No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: 1.- how many hands you have, and 2.- which one is wearing the glove.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
(via email from someone who wished they’d been golfing instead of working)
Parks & Recreation actor Adam Scott breaks down Vanilla Ice’s only hit.
I tried to take it out of context but was told I couldn’t accomplish that on my own.
Thousands are now rallying around former Boy Scouts leader Greg Bourke, a gay parent of two children. Greg and his partner have been together for 30 years and are, from my firsthand knowledge, outstanding parents.
My thoughts on shielding children from homosexuals: Unless you’re raising your children in a Little House on the Prairie, you can’t shield them from seeing same-sex parents at PTA, school functions, scout meetings, company picnics, playgrounds, grocery stores, and even church. [Boy Scout CEO: The “vast majority of the parents of youth we serve value their right to address issues of same-sex orientation within their family, with spiritual advisers, and at the appropriate time and in the right setting.”] No one disputes a parental right to leadership unless, of course, you’re gay. But the light of day doesn’t lie to your children. They see that gay people are parents, too.
NEWSPRINT: Here is the complete story published on September 18, 2012 in The Courier-Journal.
If you prefer to dismiss religious people, be ready to replace the billions of dollars in social services they provide worldwide. Our economy would collapse if it had to replace the services faith-based organizations provide.
Catholic Charities has fed millions with tens of millions of dollars. They fight for social justice, against the death penalty, and rebuild communities destroyed by drug abuse and irresponsible parenting.
Religious organizations still have people in Haiti cleaning up earthquake debris long after governments lost interest. Hurricane Katrina relief is still in the hands of faith-based groups.
Who provides the lion’s share of rent-free space for Alcoholics Anonymous and a host of other 12 step groups to keep addicts sober? Who builds homes for the poor, installs electricity or running water in third world countries? Who started House of Ruth, providing services to patients and families dealing with AIDS/HIV?
They are the religious people who are constantly derided as haters, simpletons, and controlling fools. Before casting aspersions upon someone with whom you disagree, at least have the decency to respect the social services they provide for the betterment of all. Even better, sign off your computer and pick up a shovel. They could use some help.
Some people immediately complain that religions receive tax exempt status which would provide money for more government controlled social services. Religions are not corporations creating products. They provide social services as an extension of a spiritual mission.
Do the same people who complain about churches receiving tax breaks ever use the tax code to their advantage? Do any of the complainers use the mortgage interest deduction, child tax credits, or other tax deductions to ease their tax burden? Surely not. Faith based organizations provide the societal safety net that diminished government funds cannot cover.
Who shepherds people transitioning back into society after prison terms? While most people walk to the other side of the street to avoid convicts, they are embraced by faith based groups who assist them in trying to become productive members of society. The government does nothing except employ parole officers to monitor ex-cons’ activities. Benevolent people are the convicts’ only hope of becoming reintroduced to society.
Lots of people run to their local missions to “give back” every Thanksgiving. They serve meals and take out the garbage and sweep the floor and then go home and feel good about “teaching the kids about others who are less fortunate.” Guess what? Those poor people are hungry the other 364 days of the year. And who feeds them day after day after day while you’re tucked into your nice neighborhood? Those rotten faith based people are at it again…being good to the downtrodden EVERY day, not just for a momentary Thanksgiving guilt-averting cameo appearance.
Oh, and what are the names of those places? St. Vincent de Paul. St. John’s Homeless Shelter. Wayside Christian Mission. St. Joseph Orphanage. All those Saint and Christian words sure do get in the way of arguing that religious people are a pack of intolerant haters. Who’s doing the heavy lifting for society?
I am not advocating for any particular religious affiliation. I am simply pointing out that they provide valuable service to society and should not be compared with riotous zealots rampaging in middle eastern streets over a movie. Lighten up, religion bashers. Everyone has a place in our society.