THE BEASMAN first call after loss
(crying) I DON’T WANNA GIT OUTTA BED, YOU BALD HAIRED, SNAGGLE TOOTH, SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN CARDINAL FRAUD. LARRY, COME OVER HERE AND JUST HOLD MY PILLER DOWN OVER MY FACE UNTIL I STOP WIGGLIN. I KEEP THINKIN I DON’T WANNA LIVE NO MORE CUZ I CAINT STAND GITTIN MOCKED BY CARDINAL LOUDMOUTHS LIKE YOU. BUT I CALLED MY PREACHER AND HE SAID IF I COMMIT SEWER-CIDE THEN I IS GOIN TO HADES WHERE I WILL SPEND ETERNITY WITH NOTHIN BUT SINFUL, DEVIL WORSHIPPIN U OF SMELL FANS, SO I GOT TO FIGGER OUT HOW TO GO ON LIVIN. PLUS I GOT A ‘SPONSOR-BILITY TO ALL THE OTHER GOOD & CLASSY CAT FANS OUT THERE TO HELP EM WHEN WE IS ALL TORE UP LIKE ISS. (cries) WE IS ALL HURTIN BAD…REAL BAD RIGHT NOW, LARRY MINNER. IT AIN’T POSED TO BE LIKE ISS. POSED TO BE US COCKY CAT FANS IS DANCIN AROUND WAGGIN OUR FINGERS IN YOUR STUPID, POINTY HEAD, RAP MUSIC CARDINAL HEADS. BUT NAW…WE DONE…WE DONE…LOSTED AGAIN TO THE MOTOR-SICLE RIDIN CHEATER NECK BRACE CRAZY MAN BOBBY PETREENER AND HIS LITTLE BROTHER CARDINAL CONVICTS. (cries)
COME ON, GOD. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US AGAIN? WHY DO YOU HATE WILDCAT FOOTBAW, GOD? WE KNOW YOU LOVE COACH CAL CUZ HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY. IF WE MAKE COACH STOOPS GO TO BABDIZ CHURCH EVER DAY WOULD YOU WAVE YOUR MAGIC GOD HANDS SO U UH KAY CAN START BEATIN LOSERVILLE IN FOOTBAW? (cries) ALL THESE POOR WILDCAT CHILRENN COULDN’T GO TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE THEY IS STILL UPSET ABOUT THE CATS LOSIN. WILDCAT LADIES IS SO SAD THEY CAINT GIT UP AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR WILDCAT FAMBLIES. AND I’M EXPECIALLY SAD ABOUT ALL THE WILDCAT FAN MEN WHO HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK TODAY AND FACE A BUNCH OF SMIRKIN, NO COUNT, SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO, TRASH TAWKIN, ADULTERY-SUPPORTIN LOSERVILLE LOSER FANS. (cries) I CAINT DO IT YET, LARRY. I’M STAYIN HERE IN MY DARK ROOM UNTIL I FEEL LIKE GITTIN UP AGAIN AND FACIN JERKS LIKE YOU IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.
I WISH IT WAS LATE DEE-CEMBER AND COACH CAL WAS BEATIN SLICK RICK TODAY SO US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS HAD SOMETHIN TO BE HAPPY ABOUT, BUT WE STILL GOT A MONTH TO GO BEFORE THAT HAPPENS. A WHOLE MONTH OF GLOATIN, IDIOT, BAD BREATH, HOME INCARCERATION BRACELET BREAKIN U OF SMELL FANS RUNNIN AROUND MOCKIN THE GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS DISGUSTIN. I CAINT GO ON LIVING WITH THE THOUGHT OF U OF SMELL GOIN BOWLIN WHILE U UH KAY COLLAPSES AGAIN. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF COACH CAL COULD LEAD OUR FOOTBAW TEAM TO VICTREE. I’M JUST HOPIN BASKETBAW CHEERS US UP AGAIN. I MEAN, WE DONE BEAT DUKE THIS SEASON BUT NOW IT DON’T FEEL MAGIC CUZ U OF SMELLERS IS RUNNIN AROUND LAFFIN AT OUR PAIN. YOU’RE GAY, LARRY. YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK BETTER KNOW THAT COACH CAL IS REALLY GONNA BRING A BEATDOWN NOW BECAUSE BOBBY NECK BRACE ADULTERY EXPERT PETREENER RUN UP THE SCORE ON STOOPS TROOPS.
YOU AND SLICK RICK BETTER RE-TIRE AND RUN OFF TO GAY ISLAND SO YOU DON’T GOT TO FEEL THIS KINDA PAIN I’M FEELIN NOW. COME ON, GOD. STEP UP AND GO “ALL IN” WITH U UH KAY. RIGHT NOW YOU IS JUST A HALFWAY GOD WHO HELPS COACH CAL RECRUIT AND COACH BUT STOOPS CAINT COACH US OUTTA WET PAPER SACK. BE A FULLTIME BIG BLUE GOD, NOT SOME PART-TIMER GOD WHO JUST HELPS US WITH BASKETBAW. ALL IN, GOD. ALL IN! I’M GONNA TAKE SOME MORE MICHAEL JACKSON GAS AND GO BACK TO SLEEP, YOU CROSS-EYED, SNAGGLE TOOTH, SMIRKIN, U OF SMELL BUTTLICKIN HOMER. WHEN I WAKE UP…(cry)…MAYBE THIS WILL ALL BE SOME HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE!
THE BEASMAN cats lose 2nd call
(weakened voice) LARRY? IS THIS THE NO COUNT LOSERVILLE CRYBABY LOUDMOUTH LARRY-THE-TRAITOR-MINNER? (cries) I HATE YOU AND NOW I HATE MATT JONES, TOO. ALL Y’ALL RADIO LOUDMOUTHS IS A BUNCH OF LYIN FRAUDS. YOU AND MATT JONES BOTH PREDICTED THAT THE CATS WOULD WIN AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED, DADGUMMIT. Y’ALL AINT NO NOSTRIL-DOMMUS. US GOOD CLASSY KENTUCKY FANS SPENT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO FIX UP COMMERWEALTH STADIUM BUT IT AINT CHANGED THE CURSE OF BAD FOOTBAW DOWN ON THE FIELD. (cries) I BEEN PUKIN ALL OVER MY SHOES AND AIN’T GOT NO SLEEP SINCE THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS LOSTED AGAIN TO THE SAGGY PANTS, GANG BANG, STRIPPER POLE LOVIN LOSERVILLE CARDINAL CRIMINALS.
WE EVEN HAD CAT FANS FIGHTING IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER THE GAME. ONE CAT FAN PISTOL WHIPPED ANOTHER WILDCAT FAN LIKE THEY THUNK THEY WAS IN A RAP VIDEO. BIG BLUE NATION IS STARTIN TO ACT LIKE U OF SMELLERS. HOW DID IT ALL FALL DOWN, DADGUMMIT? THE CATS WAS PERFECT IN THE FIRST HALF AND U OF SMELL COULDN’T STOP US. GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS UP IN THE STANDS WAS SCREAMIN IN THE FACES OF U OF SMELL FANS CALLIN ‘EM PROSTITUTE LOVERS AND TUCK-A-BUCK STRIPPER FANS. AT HALFTIME, WE WAS ALL LAUGHIN, CARRYIN ON, DRINKIN OUR HOMEMADE HOOTCH AND CALLING CARDINAL FANS GAY BOYS AND THUG LOVERS.
ME AND GROVER THE FAKE COP WENT OUT IN THE PARKING LOT AND KEYED ANY CAR WITH A U OF SMELL BUMPER STICKER. WE TOOK OFF OUR SHIRTS AND CHEST BUMPED GOVERNER BU-SHEER. WE WANTED TO TAUNT LOSERVILLE CRIMINAL FANS IN THE WHOLE SECOND HALF BUT DADGUMMIT, U UH KAY NEVER SCORED AGAIN. THE COMMERWEALTH CURSE KICKED IN AGAIN. U OF SMELL PUT THAT LAMAR JACKSON GUY IN THERE AND HE RUN AROUND LIKE HE STOLE SOMETHING, WHICH HE PROBLEE DID. BUT OUR DUMB U UH KAY COACH STOOPY POOPY DINT DO NOTHING TO STOP THE DEVILS FROM LOSERVILLE. THEY JUST KEPT JACKIN OUR BIG BLUE JAWS AND LAUGHIN AT US.
WE CHASED JOKER PHILLIPS OUTTA TOWN AND GOT US STOOPY POOPY AND IT TURNS OUT JOKER WON MORE GAMES. NOW WE IS STUCK SETTIN AT HOME WHILE THE CARDINAL PROSTITUTE PARTY BOYS IS GOIN TO ANOTHER BO GAME. IT MAKES MY BIG BLUE BELLY SICK. AND LARRY, I BET ALL MY SAVINGS ON U UH KAY BECAUSE MATT JONES SAID HE HAD A GOOD FEELIN AND SAID THAT GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL. SO I WENT TO THE BANK AND CASHED OUT MY RETIREMENT AND BET IT ON THE CATS. BUT NAW, U OF SMELL GOT THE GOVERNOR CUP FOR 5 YEARS IN A ROW AND I’M ON SKID ROW. I NEED A GO FUND ME SO I DON’T LOSE MY BIG BLUE MOBILE HOME. HECK, I BOUGHT MY DOG ON LAYAWAY SO I MIGHT LOSE HIM, TOO.
LARRY, YOU AND MATT JONES IS A COUPLE OF CON MEN WHO TRICKED ALL THE GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS BECAUSE Y’ALL RADIO LIARS IS ALL DEMONS. Y’ALL BETTER DO YOUR LAFFIN NOW BECAUSE LES MILES IS COMIN TO SAVE U UH KAY NEXT. HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! HAVE YOUR FUN, CARDINAL JACKASSES, CUZ COACH CAL GONNA SMASH SLICK RICK UPSIDE THE HEAD AND SEND YOU GOLD TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, OBAMA PHONE, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, TARC BUS RIDIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK U OF SMELL CARDINALS RIGHT BACK TO LITTLE BROTHER LAND WHERE YOU BLONG! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! YOU’RE GAY, LARRY. HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! HOs BEFORE PROs. HOs BEFORE PROs. HOs BEFORE PROs. FARDY & OH!
