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The Beasman: Virginny brings misery on Main Street to Suckville

THE BEASMAN va shocks Louisville – radio sketch Friday, March 2, 2018

(laffs) I’M STILL LAUGHIN ABOUT THE VIRGINNY GUY HITTING THE THREE AT THE BUZZER TO BEAT LOSERVILLE. OH LARRY. (laffs) YOU GOT TO ADMIT THAT WAS A BIGGER LONGSHOT THAN KIM JONG UN SHOOTIN A NUKE-U-LAR MISSILE AND HITTIN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY RIGHT ON THE HEAD. (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS KINDA HOPIN Y’ALL WOULD BEAT VIRGINNY SO WE COULD SAY WE BEAT Y’ALL BY 30 AND Y’ALL BEAT #1 SO THAT MEANS KENTUCKY IS THE BEST. (laffs) BUT THAT’S OK…IT WAS STILL FUN WATCHIN ALL THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS CRY THEIR CROCKER-DOW TEARS THINKIN THEY WAS ABOUT TO BE SOMEBODY. BUT YOU AIN’T.

WHEN YOU WOKE UP TODAY YOU CARDINAL CONVICTS HAD TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE WHAT YOU SEE EVER DAY: A LOSER. Y’ALL HAD VIRGINNY RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT ‘EM BUT YOUR DUMB BUNNY PLAYERS FOULT A GUY BEHIND THE THREE POINT LINE. THEN YOUR GUY DING DONG DELL DID THE HARLEM SHUFFLE A-DANCIN BEHIND THE END LINE SO THEM VIRGINNY PEOPLE GOT THE BAW WITH LESS THAN A SECOND ON THE CLOCK AND DOWN TWO POINTS. BUT RUM DUMMY LOSERVILLE JUST STANDS THERE AND LETS THE VIRGINNY GUY THROW UP A PRAYER AND HE BANKS IT IN FOR THE WIN. (laffs) US KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS LAUGHED AND PLAYED OUR BANJOES ALL NIGHT LONG.

THAT WAS AWESOME! LOSERVILLE FELT REAL GOOD ABOUT THEIRSELFS FOR MOST OF THAT GAME AND THEN VIRGINNY RIPPED THAT SCAB OFF THEIR TATTOOED NECKS AND GIVE ‘EM A JOLT OF PAIN THEY AIN’T NEVER GONNA FORGIT. SAY IT WITH ME, LARRY! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! YOU CARDINAL CRIMINALS HAVE HAD A REAL GOOD YEAR. THEY FIRED SLICK RICK AND REPLACED HIM WITH BOY PADGETT WHO CAINT CATCH A BREAK. THEN Y’ALL HAD TO TAKE DOWN THAT FRAUD BANNER AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER WITH MOHAMMER ALI’S OLYMPIC MEDAL. AND SO NOW YOU IS ON THE BUBBLE BUT IF YOU BEAT #1 VIRGINNY THEN YOU IS GONNA MAKE MARCH MADNESS. BUT….WHOOPS! THE WAHOOS DONE PULT THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER YOU WITH A BRILLIANT FINISH AND NOW U OF SMELL CAN PACK THEIR GUILTY BAGS UP FOR A QUICK VISIT TO THE N.I.T.! I LOVE IT! I GUESS YOU AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK WAS WATCHIN UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. WAS YOU RUBBIN SHOE POLISH ON HIS BALD SPOT AND TELLIN HIM HOW GREAT HE IS, LARRY? I BETCHA SLICK RICK LOVED IT THAT BOY PADGETT COULDN’T BEAT NO BIGTIME TEAMS THIS YEAR CUZ THAT MEANS THE FANS WILL CALL FOR SLICK RICK TO COME BACK.

BUT THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN CUZ THEM TWO PUMP CHUMPS GRISSOM AND POSTEL SAYS THEY IS PRESSURE WARSHIN ALL THE SCUM OUT OF U OF SMELL AND THEY DON’T WANT NO SLICK RICK OR TOMMY TURTLENECK COMIN BACK. IT’S OVER FOR Y’ALL CRIMINAL CARDINAL BIRDS.

via WDRB.com

JUST STAY IN N.C.2.A. PRISON AND WATCH YOUR KENTUCKY WILDCATS LIGHT IT UP FOR MARCH MADNESS. FLORIDER IS GOIN DOWN TO THE CATS, THEN WE GONNA WIN THE S.E.C., AND THEN WE GONNA BOWL OVER ANYBODY THAT GITS IN OUR WAY IN THE MARCH MADNESS.

LARRY, Y’ALL BE SURE TO PAY YOUR CABLE BILL AT THE LOCAL WHOREHOUSE SO YOUR CARDINAL PLAYERS DON’T MISS NONE OF U UH KAY’S EXCITING MARCH MADNESS VICTREES! AND AFTER WE WIN A NEW BANNER, WE’LL ASK THE N.C.2.A. TO GIVE US A EXTRA ONE SO WE CAN HANG THAT BEAUTIFUL BLUE BANNER UP IN THE YUM YUM RAFTERS WHERE Y’ALL SEEM TO HAVE A VACANCY!

(laffs) POOR LARRY. HE WAS JUMPIN UP AND DOWN THINKIN HIS CARDINAL HAS BEENS WAS GONNA FINALLY HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS BUT…PSYCH! THAT VIRGINNY GUY HITS A BOMB AND SUDDENLY CARDINAL TOWN TURNS BACK INTO SUCKVILLE. I HOPE SOMEBODY PUTS UP BILLBOARD TELLIN YOU TO GIT OUTTA TOWN AND LET MATT JONES HAVE YOUR SHOW, YOU TWO BIT, CROSS EYED, SAGGY PANTS RAP MUSIC, WELFARE STAMP FRAUD! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!

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