THE BEASMAN cats head to sweet 16 radio sketch March 19, 2018
BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN AND RUNS OVER CRANKY OLD NUNS IF WE HAVE TO! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) HEY LAREEEEEE! LARRY MINNER! START GITTIN YOUR CLUNKER GHETTO CARS OFF THE STREETS CUZ WE GONNA HAVE A U UH KAY VICTORY PARADE IN TWO WEEKS CUZ BIG BLUE BOUT TO WIN IT ALL! PAINT YOUR DOG BLUE AND HEAD SOUTH…KENTUCKY IS HEADED TO THE SWEET 16 IN THE BIG DANCE TO BEAT LITTLE BROTHER KANSAS NOBODY STATE. AND THEN COACH CAL GOTTA GO AGAINST HIS CATHLICK HERITAGE AND WHOOP UP ON THAT HOMELY NUN SISTER JEAN AND HER CATHLICK FISHBREATH THUG LOYOLA NOBODIES. THEN U UH KAY IS BACK IN THE FINAL FOUR. AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! IT’S MELTDOWN MADNESS!
THE SO-CALLED TOUGH GUYS IN OUR BRACKET DONE WENT DOWN IN FLAMES! BYE, BYE VIRGINNY! SO LONG, ARIZONER! TENNE-SEE YOU LATER! NO BLISS IN CINCINNAPLISS! UK’s ROAD TO THE FINAL FOUR IS FILLED WITH WILDCAT WANNABE NOBODIES! KANSAS STATE IS A BUNCH OF SWISHY BOYS WHO CAINT HANG WITH THE CATS. THEY HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME BEATIN’ EM U.M.B.C. RETRIEVER MIDGETS. BUT MIDNIGHT STRUCK FOR CINDERELLA. BYE, BYE MIDGETS FROM GHETTO BALTIMORE!
THE COAST IS CLEAR FOR U UH KAY TO WIN IT ALL WITH SHAY, DILLO, KNOX, AND WENYAN FUNYON. AND LISTEN AT THE THIS: U UH KAY WON TITLES BUZACTLY 20 YEARS APART. 19&58, 19&78, 19&98, AND RIGHT NOW 2018 IS TWUNNY YEARS LATER! IT’S HAPPENIN, LARRY! NOTICE HOW I SKIPPED OVER SLICK RICK’S CHAMPERCHIP IN 96? EVEN CAT FANS WANNA TAKE DOWN THAT SKEEZY BANNER! CATS IS CLEAN CUT, NOT NO RESTRUNT SEX SCUMBAGS LIKE U OF SMELL! BIG BLUE NATION IS SPENDIN’ ALL WEEK IN CATLANTA, WHERE ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! (laffs)
AND ALL YOU CARDINAL THUGS CAN DO IS SET BACK AND PRETEND LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT THE N.I.T. (laffs) WAY TO GO U OF SMELL! IN THE TOURNEYMINT OF LOSERS, Y’ALL ADVANCED TO BE EVEN BIGGER LOSERS WHEN A S.E.C. TEAM JACKS YOUR JAW! (laffs) AND IF Y’ALL CHEAT AND WIN THAT ONE, Y’ALL CAN TAKE YOUR CARDINAL SLEAZY STRIPPER POLE UP TO NEW YARK CITY FOR SLEAZY HUMILERATION! (laffs) HOW DID U UH KAY DO SO GOOD WHEN ALL OF US SAID THEY SUCKED A MONTH AGO? COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HE PRAYED TO GOD AND SAID “GOD? PLEASE SMITE THE HATEFUL NC2A FOR GIVIN THE CATS A KILLER BRACKET. THE NC2A IS ALWAYS OUT TO GIT U UH KAY.” AND GOD LISTENED CUZ HE SMITED ALL THE GOOD TEAMS BEFORE U UH KAY HAD TO PLAY ‘EM! (laffs)
NOW I’M WORRIED GOD IS GONNA LET THAT OLD NUN WIN SO I HOPE COACH CAL IS PUTTIN EXTRA BRIBE MONEY IN THE CATHLICK COLLECTION PLATE. SISTER JEAN LOOKS LIKE SISTER MEAN TO ME! SHE’S PROBLEE RAPPIN A RULER ON SOME 8-YEAR-OLD’S FINGERS RIGHT NOW. COME ON, GOD! DON’T FIX NO GAMES FOR THAT OLD LADY NUN AND HER LOYOLA CHICAGO GANGSTER THUGS. YOU CAINT LET THEM CRIMINALS WIN. CHICAGO IS A CITY FOR LOSERS LIKE THE BEARS, THE WHITE SOX, AND AL CAPONE. KENTUCKY IS GOD’S COUNTRY WITH FAST HARSES, PURDY LADIES, AND THE BEST ONE-AND-DONE BASKETBAW FACTORY IN AMERICA. HEY LARRY, WAS YOU AND SLICK RICK WATCHIN THE GAMES UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? I BETCHA YOU WAS PUTTIN SHOE POLISH ON HIS BALD SPOT AND TELLIN SLICK THAT HE WOULDA TOOK U OF SMELL ALL THE WAY.
DID YOU SEE XAVIER LOSE? THAT’S YOUR NEW COACH! HE’S A PROVEN LOSER, TOO. PERFECT FOR U OF SMELL! YOU BETTER BUY LOTS MORE SHOE POLISH LARRY CUZ THAT GUY CHRIS MACK IS BALDER THAN YOU! U OF SMELL SUPPOSE-UBLY ALREADY SIGNED THAT CHRIS MACK GUY TO REPLACE BOY PADGETT. COACH CAL CAINT WAIT TO MAKE HIM HIS NEXT LOSERVILLE BEE-OTCH. NOW LARRY, I DON’T WANNA KEEP YOU ON THE PHONE TOO LONG. I WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO MISS A N.I.T. GAME OR ANOTHER F.B.I. PRESS CONFRENCE WHERE Y’ALL IS GITTING IN MORE TROUBLE. (laffs) IF YOU NEED ME, I’LL BE WITH BIG BLUE NATION HAVING MARCH MADNESS PARTIES AND CRUSHIN FOOLS WHO THINK THEY CAN RUN WITH US. TO ALL YOU U OF SMELLERS OUT THERE…ENJOY THE N.I.T. NEXT YEAR CHRIS MACK AIN’T GOT NO RECRUITS SO EVEN THE N.I.T. GONNA REPLACE YOU WITH THAT TEAM OF LUCKY BALTIMORE MIDGETS. AT LEAST THEY DON’T COMMIT FELONIES! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN!
