radio scripts for Monday, November 28, 2016

THE BEASMAN #1 it’s over
OH BOO HOO HOOOOO! KEEP CRYIN’ YOUR CARDINAL TEARS…THEY’RE DELICIOUS! (laffs) AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS! KEEP BURNIN THEM COUCHES, CAT FANS! THIS HERE IS BIGGER ‘EN CHRISTMAS! U UH KAY DONE SLAYED THE EVIL CARDINAL DEMONS! STEPHEN JOHNSON FOR HEISMAN! MARK STOOPS FOR S.E.C. COACH OF THE YEAR! U UH KAY WILDCATS FOR THE PLAYOFFS! BOOM WILLIAMS FOR PLAYER OF THE YEAR!

AWWWW BLUE! WHITE! BLUE! WHITE! CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) IT’S FINALLY OVER FOR YOU LOWDOWN, SAGGY PANTS, BACKWARDS CAP, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, GANG BANG, U OF SMELL CARDINAL POSERS.

YOU DONE BEEN EXPOSED BY THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS! AIN’T NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU! AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY! AIN’T NO ARNGE BO! IT ALL WENT UP IN SMOKE WHEN THE GOOD GUYS MADE THE WORLD HONORABLE AGAIN! NO GLORY FOR THE FILTHY CARDINAL BIRD ADULTERY STRIPPER POLE ARROGANT OVERPRICED SCUMBAG SCOUNDREL UNIVERSITY.

Y’ALL IS BACK TO NOBODYLAND. PETRINKO IS A FRAUD. SLICK RICK GOT ANOTHER TEAM FULL OF QUITTERS. THE LOSERVILLE HAS BEENS…Y’ALL IS WILDCAT WANNABES. STOOPS IS THE NEW BEAR BRYANT. COACH CAL’S CATS IS #1 AND GITTIN READY TO CRUSH THE CARDINAL BIRDS AGAIN FOR CHRISTMAS! I LOVVVVVVVE IT!

(laffs) THE GOOD AND CLASSY AND HONORABLE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOIN TO A BIGTIME BO WHILE LOSERVILLE SLID ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BACKGROUND NOISE BO.

BOOGER HAD YOUR NUMBER THE WHOLE TIME. WE LOVE BOOGER! BOOGER SAID U OF SMELL IS A FRAUD AND DON’T BLONG IN NO PLAYOFFS BUT U OF SMELL KEPT CALLIN BOOGER A LIAR. BOOGER NAILED IT! WE LOVE BOOGER! CATS! CATS! CATS! HEY LARRY, IS BOBBY PETRINKO STILL DOIN A STAREDOWN WITH A REPORTER ASKIN WHY LAY-MAR JACKSON STAYS IN THE POCKET TOO LONG? WOW! HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?

BOBBY PETRINKO AND TOMMY TURTLENECK SPEND ALL THEIR TIME HATIN ON REPORTERS INSTEAD OF GITTIN THEIR TEAM READY FOR GAMES. LARRY, TELL BOBBY TO STUDY FILMS OF STOOPS TROOPS AND MAYBE THEN HIS TEAM WILL LEARN HOW TO PLAY REAL FOOTBAW INSTEAD OF JUST LETTIN LAY-MAR RUN AROUND LIKE A CHICKEN WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF. AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY IN LOSERVILLE UNLESS IT’S A STOLEN ONE IN A PAWN SHOP.

YOUR CITY IS FULL OF GUN-TOTIN, GANG BANG, VIOLENT THUGS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AT PEEWEE FOOTBAW GAMES. Y’ALL DON’T BLONG IN NO BIGTIME SPOTLIGHT LIKE U UH KAY. Y’ALL DON’T HAVE THE MANNERS TO ACT HONORABLE AND REPPERSENT THE NC2A LIKE CAT FANS DO! Y’ALL IS LIKE A PRISON EXERCISE YARD FILLED WITH SCARY, VIOLENT PEOPLE. NO GOOD CITY WANTS U OF SMELLERS COMIN TO TEAR UP THEIR TOWN, SPRAYPAINT CUSS WORDS AND THROW LIQUOR BOTTLES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THE NC2A KNOWS WHEN CAT FANS COME TO TOWN THAT WE IS FRIENDLY, GOD-FEARING PEOPLE WHO GONNA SPEND OUR MONEY AND ONLY SHOOT OUR GUNS IN SELF-DEFENSE. WE IS CHURCH-GOIN, AMERICA-LOVIN TRUMP PEOPLE AND THAT’S WHY THE NC2A GONNA GIVE US A BIGTIME BO AND SEND U OF SMELL TO SOME GHETTO TOWN LIKE DEE-TROIT OR NEW JERSEY WHERE THE MESS YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL FANS MAKE WON’T MAKE IT NO UGLIER.

SORRY BOUT YOUR LUCK, CARDINAL BIRDS BUT YOU SHOULDN’T STOLE THAT PLAYBOOK OR GOD WOULDN’T SMITED YOU LIKE ISS. MEANTIME ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS IS PACKIN FOR SOME SUNNY BO GAME IN MIAM-UH OR ARLANDO CUZ AMERICA LIKES CLEAN-CUT, CHURCH GOIN WINNERS LIKE THE CATS!

THANK YOU, GOD! AND COACH CAL SAYS Y’ALL BETTER KEEP YOUR CARDINAL CRYIN TOWELS HANDY CUZ YOU GONNA NEED ‘EM AGAIN IN THREE WEEKS WHEN THE BASKETBAW TEAM CRUSHES YOU LIKE THE FILTHY COCKROACHES YOU IS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, CARDINAL THUGS! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN #2 big blue Christmas
HEY LARREEEE! LARRY MINNER! PLAY THAT RAP SONG Y’ALL CARDINAL FRAUDS LOVE…WEEE READY! WEEEE READY! (laffs) WELL, Y’ALL NEED TO CHANGE THAT SONG TO “WE NOT READY!” (laffs) I LOVE IT! GOOD GUYS WIN! GOOD GUYS WIN! THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOWED Y’ALL OVERRATED FRAUDS WHO OWNS THIS HERE BLUE STATE! Y’ALL IS STILL LITTLE BROTHER AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS AIN’T UNDERRATED NO MORE!

LAY-MAR JACKSON DONE THE HEISMAN TROPHY POSE AND THEN HE FUMBLED THE BALL RIGHT WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE Y’ALL WAS GONNA WIN. KARMA! DON’T BE SHOWIN OFF CUZ PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL! TRUMP IS RIGHT… AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN NOW THAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TAWKIN ABOUT THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS BEIN FOR REAL!

EVER GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT CHRISTMAS TREE IS DECORATED WITH SPORTS PAGES DEE-CLARIN “CATS WIN! CATS WIN! CATS WIN!” EVER BOOMBOX IN KENTUCKY IS PLAYIN’ ELVIS SINGIN’ (sing) “I’LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUUUUE CHRISTMAS!” (laffs) I AIN’T SLEPT A WINK SINCE SAIRDEE, LARRY!

THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DONE SHATTERED ALL YOUR PATHETIC CARDINAL DREAMS IN ONE FOOTBAW GAME AND US CAT FANS IS EATIN IT UP LIKE CHRISTMAS DINNER! OL BOBBY PETRINKO DONE RODE AWAY ON HIS LITTLE MOTOR SCOOTER TRYIN TO FIGGER OUT WHAT WENT WRONG. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WENT WRONG – YOU RUN INTO A BUZZ SAW NAMED STOOPS TROOPS!

YOUR ARROGANT CARDINAL BIRDS WAS DOIN THE HEISMAN POSE, TAWKIN ABOUT THE PLAYOFFS OR THE ARNGE BO, BUT NOW U OF SMELL IS LIKE THE ZIKA VIRUS. EVERBODY IS RUNNIN AWAY FROM YOU! AIN’T NO BIGTIME BO FOR YOU YOU CARDINAL HAS BEENS. Y’ALL BE LUCKY TO GIT SENT TO JEFFERSONVILLE TO PLAY AT A HIGH SCHOOL PROM.

AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY FOR LAY-MAR. HE TURNS IT OVER LIKE A SHART ARDER COOK FLIPPIN FLAPJACKS! Y’ALL STINKBREATH, SNAGGLE-TOOTH CARDINAL FANS FOUNT OUT LAY-MAR JACKSON AINT QUALLERFIED TO QUARTERBACK THE TOY BOWL. NOW THE U UH KAY QB IS FOR REALZ AND HE’S THE SECOND STEVIE JOHNSON TO BREAK LOSERVILLE’S HEART. ANOTHER ONE WITH THAT NAME CRUSHED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS 9 YEARS AGO. SO THE UNIVERSITY IS OFFERING FREE TUITION TO ANYBODY WHO IS AT LEAST 6 FEET TALL AND NAMED STEVE JOHNSON.

YOU GIT A FREE RIDE AND ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS SUIT UP TO PLAY LOSERVILLE ONCE A YEAR. TUITION IS FREE AND SOME TUTOR WILL DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK. WE GONNA PUT YOUR GIANT STEVE JOHNSON ON THE JUMBOTRON THE WHOLE GAME TO SKEER THEM U OF SMELLERS INTO FOLDIN LIKE A TENT AGAIN!

I LOVE IT! HEY LARRY, WE STAYED UP BURNIN COUCHES ALL SAIRDEE NIGHT AND SUNDEE NIGHT. TONIGHT WE GONNA GO UP I-64 AND TEAR DOWN THAT BIG SIGN THAT SAYS U OF SMELL IS “MILES AHEAD.” MILES AHEAD IN WHAT? FAILURE?

TELL TOMMY TURTLENECK IF HE EVER WANTS TO WIN AGAIN THAT SIGN SHOULD SAY “LES MILES AHEAD.” IF Y’ALL HIRE HIM INSTEAD OF CRYBABY BOBBY – WHO STEALS PLAYBOOKS AND HOLLERS AT REPORTERS – THEN MAYBE LES MILES GIVE Y’ALL A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY HANG WITH KENTUCKY. AND NEXT COMES BASKETBAW. I LOVE IT!

SLICK RICK’S TABLE SCRAP REE-CRUITS GIVE UP A 22-POINT LEAD TO LOSE TO NOBODY BAYLOR WHILE COACH CAL IS CRUSHIN FOOLS BY FIDDY POINTS! LOSERVILLE IS THE HILLARY CLINTON OF SPARTS. YOU IS OLD, TIRED HAS BEENS THAT EVERBODY HATES CUZ YOU BEEN STEALIN MONEY FROM THEM FOR DECADES. HOW MUCH IS THEM LOSERVILLE TICKETS WORTH NOW! AND YOU CAINT EVEN PAY YOUR RENT IN THE FORECLOSURE YUM YUM DUM DUM ARENER!

COME ON, REPO MAN! YOU TAKE THEIR ARENER AND U UH KAY WILL TAKE THEIR HEISMAN TROPHY AND ARNGE BO AWAY FROM ‘EM! YOU SAGGY PANTS, LOUDMOUTH, ROYAL CROWN DRINKIN, ALCOHOLIC, FOULMOUTH, FOOD STAMP CASHIN, OBAMA PHONE, HANDGUN SHOOTIN CARDINAL CONVICT FANS AIN’T GITTIN NUTHIN FOR CHRISTMAS BUCEPT A HEADACHE WATCHIN U UH KAY WIN. ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!