THE BEASMAN back from vacation
I CAINT BLEEVE YOU COME BACK TO WORK, YOU SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN LOUDMOUTH LOSERVILLE LOSER. WHEN YOU WAS GONE THEM FEW DAYS AND I HEARED LOCKJAW McCRANE ON THERE I THUNK TO MYSELF—I BETCHA THEY FINALLY FIGGERED OUT THAT LARRY IS A U OF SMELL GASBAG AND THE WH&S NEEDS TO GET A FAIR AND IMPARTIAL REPLACEMENT FOR HIM. SOMEBODY LIKE MATT JONES, A GUY WHO JUST TELLS THE TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH IS THAT U UH K DOMMERATES AND U OF SMELL IS A MAGNET FOR THUGS. BUT NAW, MATT JONES NEVER TURNT UP. NEXT THING I KNOW, I TURNT ON THE LECTRIC RADIO AND I HEAR A VOICE THAT SOUNDS LIKE TWO WEASELS MAKING LOVE INSIDE A PILLOW CASE…IT’S LARRY DADGUM MINNER, BACK ON THE AIR TAWKING ABOUT HOW GREAT HE IS. YOU MAKE ME SICK WITH ALL YOUR BIGMOUTH BRAGGING, LARRY MINNER. “I WAS IN FLORIDA PLAYIN’ GOLF WHILE Y’ALL WAS FREEZING HERE.” SHUT YOUR BALD PIE HOLE, LARRY, BECAUSE AIN’T NONE OF US IMPRESSTIGATED WITH YOUR GOLF GAME. AND I AINT GONNA SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU LIKE ALL THEM OTHER SUCKUPS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I WANT YOU TO HAVE A MIZZERBLE BIRTHDAY LIKE YOU DONE LAST YEAR WHEN YOU JINXED U OF SMELL AGAINST THE VILLERNOVA. BUT NAW, THIS TIME OL LARRY WENT TO FLORIDA AND THEM CARDINALS DONE ACTED LIKE A BUNCH OF THUGS WHOOPIN UP ON LITTLY BITTY SOUTH FLORIDA TIL THEY THREW IN THE SURRENDER FLAG IN THE FIRST HALF. NO WONDER Y’ALL BEAT EM BY FARDY. THEY TOOK THEIR SHOWERS AT HALFTIME AND COME BACK IN STREET CLOTHES TO PLAY Y’ALL IN THE SECOND HALF, THAT’S WHY IT WAS A PIECE OF CAKE FOR SLICK RICK AND THEM CARDINAL TROUBLEMAKERS. THEM SOUTH FLORIDA PLAYERS SURRENDERED LIKE THEY WAS FRENCH. WHAT DO THEY SERVE AT THE CONCESSION STANDS, SNAILS AND STINKY CHEESE? I HOPE YOU SLICK RICK BUTT-KISSIN U OF SMELL FRAUDS GIT TO FEELING ALL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELFS BEFORE MARCH MADNESS CUZ YOU GONNA GIT YOUR JAW JACKED BY A REAL TEAM LIKE U UH KAY. COACH CAL AINT PLAYING AROUND. THE CATS GOT SHOCKED THERE AT ARKANSAS BUT MAYBE IT WAS COACH CAL’S WAY OF GITTIN THE CATS’ BUTTENTION. NOW THEY IS FOCUSED AND THEY GONNA GO MOW DOWN EVERBODY ELSE FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON. MEANWHILE, U OF SMELL IS OFF THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE AIN’T ENOUGH OF YOUR PLAYERS OFF THEIR HOME INCARCERATION BRACELETS TO BE ALLOWED TO GO ON ANOTHER ROAD TRIP FOR AWHILE. U UH KAY GONNA PUT THE SMACKDOWN ON JARJUH TOMORRY AND THEN GO RIGHT INTO MARCH MADNESS READY TO BRING HOME DUCK NINE-ASTY—ANOTHER NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS FOR THE BIG BLUE. HEY LARRY, I SEEN U OF SMELL FOOTBAW FINALLY GOT RID OF CLINT HURTT. WHO Y’ALL GONNA REPLACE HIM WITH, BERNIE MADOFF? Y’ALL LOVE HAVING STREET CRED CRIMINALS ON YOUR TEAM SO WHY DON’T YOU LET JUSTIN BREEBER DRIVE THE TEAM BUS WHILE HE’S HIGH ON COUGH SYRUP? AND DON’T BE MAKING NO JOKES ABOUT THAT U UH KAY COACH LOCKING HIS WIFE IN THEIR UNHEATED GAY-RAGE AND THROWING WATER ON HER WHILE THE TEMPERCHURE IS ZERO. THEM KIND OF THINGS IS PERSONAL MARRIED LIFE STUFF AND DON’T BLONG IN THE PUBLIC EYE. EXCEPT IF IT’S BOBBY PETRINKO RIDING HIS BLONDE GIRLFRIEND AROUND – THEN IT’S OK FOR MATT JONES TO BELITTLE HIM EVER DAY BECAUSE THAT KIND OF PERSONAL MARRIED LIFE STUFF IS ABOUT U OF SMELLERS. THAT’S DIFFERNT BECAUSE U OF SMELL IS A JOKE UNIVERSITY AND U UH KAY IS ONE OF THEM ACADEMIC SCHOOLS. YOU SUCK, LARRY. WHY DON’T YOU RETIRE SO MATT JONES CAN HOST YOUR TIME SLOT. HE CAN START EVER DAY BY RIDING IN ON A HARLEY AND SAYING “AIN’T NO BLONDE ON HERE WITH ME—JUST 8 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHIES— 5 MORE THAN Y’ALL GOT!” NOW THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE A ENTRANCE! GO CATS!
