WHAS radio script, Friday, April 4, 2014, 5:45 p.m.

THE BEASMAN final four
THOSE WEREN’T NO THUNDERSTARMS YOU HEARD ALL NIGHT – THAT WAS GOD JUMPING UP AND DOWN BUCITED ABOUT HIS KENTUCKY WILDCATS BACK IN THE FINAL FOUR.

DADGUMMIT, IT’S ABOUT TIME THE MAN UPSTAIRS DONE SET THINGS RIGHT AGAIN. HE LISTENED TO THE PRAYERS OF GOOD LITTLE WILDCAT BOYS AND GIRLS AND HE SAID, “WELL, I GUESS I DONE TAUGHT EM HOW TO BE HUMBLE WITH ROBERT MORRIS LAST YEAR AND THEN NOT LETTING EM HAVE THE FARDY AND OH THEY THUNK WAS A SURE THANG. OK, NOW THEY CAN DOMMERATE AGAIN.” THANK YOU, GOD. US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WON’T GIT ARROGANT NEVER AGAIN. WE WON’T GIT ALL UP IN THE GRILL OF THEM SLIMY U OF SMELL LOSERS WHO BEEN PRANCING AROUND THROWIN UP THEIR STUPID Ls FOR THE PAST YEAR.

NAW, GOD, WE DONE LEARNED OUR LESSON TO SHUT OUR WILDCAT ARROGANCE DOWN UNTIL AFTER WE WIN CHAMPERCHIPS, THEN WE IS ALLOWED TO GIT UP IN THEIR SNAGGLE TOOTH UGLY CARDINAL FACES AND TELL EM THEY IS GAY AND THEY IS N.I.T. AND THEY IS LITTLE BROTHER NOBODY HAS BEENS. THAT’S THE LESSON, RIGHT GOD?

WELL LARRY, NOW IT MAKES SENSE THAT YOU AND ALL YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL BUDDIES WEAR BLACK ALL THE TIME. IT MUST BE LIKE A FUNERAL IN YOUR POINTY CARDINAL HEADS TO KNOW THAT YOUR PROGRUM IS DEAD AND THAT U UH KAY IS YOUR LORD AND MASTER AGAIN. THE FINAL FOUR WEEKEND IS HERE AND ALL THE STARS ARE LINED UP RIGHT IN THE BIG BLUE SKY. THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS ABOUT TO RECLAIM THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS BY FIRST BEATING A BUNCH OF PASTY WHITE BOY, COW MILKING, BEER SWILLING, BRATWURST BREATH, CHEESEHEADS FROM WESS-CONSIN. THEN COME MONDEE NIGHT BILLY DONNERVAN GONNA GIT HIS ARROGANT BALLOON BURSTED JUST LIKE GOD DONE TO THE U UH KAY LAST YEAR. CATS CUT DOWN THE NETS. U OF SMELLERS SHUT THEIR BIG STINKBREATH MOUTHS, AND BIG BROTHER U UH KAY PAINTS THE WHOLE STATE BLUE AGAIN AND TREATS U OF SMELL LIKE IT’S MOREHEAD.

BUT HANG ON…I GOT TO BUCK-NOWLEDGE THE U OF SMELL CHAMPEENS OF A SMALLER SCALE. I SEEN SLICK RICK WAS COURTSIDE AT THE N.I.T. I LOVE IT. LET’S ALL SAY IT TOGETHER, CAT FANS. N-I-T N-I-T N-I-T. LITTLE RICHARD PITINO WINS THE N-I-T SO YOU LOSERVILLE LOSERS CAN PRETEND LIKE YOU GOT SOMETHING TO CHEER ABOUT WHILE THE BIG BLUE NATION IS SWARMING ALL AROUND LIKE A PACK OF WATERFRONT PARK TEENAGERS LOOKING FOR SOME FREE TATER CHIPS FROM THE QUICKIE MART. BUT DON’T GIVE LITTLE PITINEER TOO MUCH CREDIT BECAUSE HE WON THE N.I.T. WITH TUBBY’S PLAYERS. GIT IT? EVERTHANG COMES FULL CIRCLE. SLICK RICK GOT TO RUN OFF TO THE N.I.T. TO STAY AWAY FROM THE FINAL FOUR CUZ HE DON’T WANT TV CAMERAS IN HIS FACE ASKING ABOUT THE WILDCATS.

BUT LARRY, AT LEAST YOU LOSERVILLE LIARS CAN BRAG THAT YOUR GIRL PLAYER IS THE BEST 3 POINT SHOOTER OUT THERE. SHE DONE BEAT ALL THE GIRLS AND THEN BEAT THE BOY CHAMPEEN TO WIN THE 3 POINT CONTEST TO PROVE THAT LOSERVILLE DON’T SUCK AT EVERTHANG. AS SOON AS U UH KAY WINS THE CHAMPERCHIP, IF Y’ALL GOT THE GUTS, THE WILDCATS WILL SEND THE HARRISON TWINS OVER TO YOUR DEADBEAT FORECLOSURE ARENER AND THEY WILL BOTH BEAT SHONI SHIMMER IN A THREE POINT COMPERTITION JUST TO PROVE THAT Y’ALL CAINT BEAT US IN NOTHING, YOU BUNCH OF RED SHIRT WEARING, NECK TATTOO, CROWN ROYAL DRINKING, TARC BUS RIDING, TEENAGE MOB, MAKING BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, GHETTO TOWN, SPRAYPAINTIN CUSS WORDS, SAGGY PANTS, GOD HATIN, HEATHEN, DON’T KNOW YOUR DADDY, LITTLE BROTHER HAS BEEN U OF SMELL CARDINAL NOBODIES. YOU BETTER GIT REAL DRUNK RIGHT NOW CUZ YOU GONNA BE MISERABLE WATCHING U UH KAY WIN IT ALL THIS WEEKEND. AND DON’T TRY TO COME TO THE FINAL FOUR, LOSERVILLE PEOPLE, BECAUSE YOU CAINT PAY FOR TICKETS WITH FOOD STAMPS. GO CATS! GO CATS! GO BIG BLUUUUUUUUUUEEEE!
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