UK and UofL played the opening of a best-of-three series while I was prepping to go on the radio so I had to write a script for either outcome.
Here’s the audio we used following U of L’s 5-2 victory in game one.
THE BEASMAN after UK baseball victory
AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! HOW BOUT THEM KENTUCKY WILDCATS, YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH SORE LOSER CARDINAL CRYBABY TRAITOR TURNCOAT! I TODE YOU THESE HERE WILDCATS WAS GONNA ROCK YOUR UNDERSIZE JOCKS, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, FLAT BILL, ROTGUT WHISKEY BREATH, SINFUL, GUN TOTIN, GRAMPA PUNCHIN CARDINAL THUGS. IT’S OVER FOR YOU PEOPLE, DON’T YOU SEE THAT? ALL THE WALLS IS FALLIN IN ON THE LITTLE CARDINAL BIRDS. THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS THIS STATE’S ONLY GREAT BASEBAW PROGRUM. I USED TO THINK BASEBAW WAS GAY BUT NOW THAT THE BIG BLUE CAN USE IT TO HUMILERATE Y’ALL STINKBREATH CARDINAL FRAUDS, I’M ALL ABOUT BASEBAW. I LAUGHED MYSELF SILLY TODAY WATCHIN ALL THEM UGLY CARDINAL FACES TURN SOUR WATCHING THEIR PRECIOUS CARDINAL FRAUDS GIT PUT IN THEIR PLACE BY THE MOST DOMMERATIN BASEBAW TEAM SINCE BABY RUTH WAS PLAYIN FOR THE NEW YARK GIANTS. THESE HERE WILDCATS AINT GOT NO QUIT IN ‘EM. WE IS THE CATS! WE IS THE BIG BLUE. Y’ALL IS JUST LITTLE BROTHER, WHINY, RUN-TO-MAMA AND CRY YOUR CROCODILE TEARS U OF SMELL FRAUDS. YOUR COACH WEARS THAT STUPID SALAD BOWL ON HIS HEAD INSTEAD OF A REAL BASEBAW HAT LIKE U UH KAY’S NEW EXCITING COACH NINJA. EVERBODY LOVES THE U UH KAY COACH CUZ HE’S FUNNY AND DON’T GIT ALL RATTLED LIKE YOUR U OF SMELL GUY WHO SHOULDA LEFT YEARS AGO TO GO TO A REAL SCHOOL. NOW AINT NOBODY WANTS HIM. AND DON’T SHOOT YOUR MOUTH OFF ABOUT HOW U OF SMELL CAN JUST WIN ON SAIRDEE AND SUNDEE CUZ YOU AND ME BOTH KNOW THAT AINT HAPPENIN. STICK A FARK IN THE DEAD CARDINAL BIRD CUZ HE’S DONE. D-U-N-E DONE! AND THAT AIN’T THE ONLY HAPPY NEWS US CAT FANS GOT!
THE BEASMAN after UK loses to UofL
(snifflin) S-S-S-S-STOP YOUR SMIRKIN, LARRY MINNER. YOU AIN’T POSED TO LAUGH AT NOBODY ELSE’S PAINFUL TIMES. BUT THERE YOU ARE, SLICK RICK’S BOYFRIEND LAUGHIN WHILE US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS HURTIN REAL BAD. THIS ONE STINGS BAD…REAL BAD! THEM KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOULDA BEAT THEM U OF SMELL FRAUDS BUT (cry) SOMEHOW THEM LYIN, CHEATIN, FLATBILL HAT FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS COME OUTTA THERE WITH A VICTREE. I BETCHA THAT HOME PLATE UMPIRE WAS RELATED TO HIGGINS THE REFFERMARIE WE THREATENED TO KILL AFTER NARTH CARAMALINER KNOCKED US OUTTA MARCH MADNESS! AND NOW THIS STUPID GAY BASEBAW THING AINT GONNA BE EASY A-WINNIN THE NEXT TWO FOR U UH KAY CUZ WE GOT TO STAY OVERNIGHT IN YOUR GHETTO TOWN.
AIN’T NONE OF OUR PLAYERS CAN GIT NO REST CUZ THEY IS ALL SLEEPIN ON THE FLOOR UNDER THEIR BEDS AFRAID THEY GONNA GIT SHOT IN THIS VIOLENT TOWN OF THUGS. OUR GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT PLAYERS COULDN’T GIT FOCUSED IN THE GAME TODAY CUZ THEY DINT KNOW WHEN A PACK OF TEENAGE THUGS MIGHT RUN ON THE FIELD AND ROB EM OR SHOOT EM IN THIS WAR ZONE GHETTO TRASH TOWN. THE U UH KAY COACH SAID HE WOULD RATHER PLAY IN SYRIA THAN IN LOSERVILLE. BUT NAW, THE NC2A SAID WE GOT TO GIT IN OUR ARMOR-PLATED TEAM BUS AND RIDE INTO LOSERVILLE AND SPEND THE NIGHT HERE INSTEAD OF GOIN BACK TO LEXINUN WHERE WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT ONE KILLING A DAY INSTEAD OF ONCE PER HOUR IN LOSERVILLE. SO WE IS TOO SKEERED TO FOCUS ON BASEBAW. OUR TEAM TRAINERS BROUGHT TOE TAGS AND BODY BAGS JUST IN CASE. THIS FILTHY AINT FIT FOR RATS TO SURVIVE BUT SOMEHOW YOU DO, YOU SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN, SNAGGLE TOOTH, TRAITOR TURNCOAT FRAUD. GO AHEAD AND HAVE YOU GIGGLES ABOUT BASEBAW CUZ US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GOT LOTS OF OTHER U OF SMELL TROUBLES TO LAUGH ABOUT.
(second half to work either way the baseball game comes out)
EVER KENTUCKY WILDCAT FAN STAYED UP LAST NIGHT READIN THE U OF SMELL AUDIT LIKE IT WAS A VALENTIME FOM COACH CAL. I’D LIKE GIVE A BIG WET KISS TO THE AUDITOR WHO CHURNED OUT THAT 137 PAGE MASTERPIECE. SHOCKER! U OF SMELL LEADERS WAS STEALING ALL THE FOUNDATION MONEY TO TREAT THEIRSELFS! DADGUMMIT! U OF SMELL IS THE BERNIE MADOFF OF COLLEGE INVESTORS! FOR EVER CHARITY DOLLAR THAT COME IN, THE U OF SMELL LEADERS WOULD STEAL TWO! LARRY, YOUR PRECIOUS CARDINAL BIRDS IS BEING RUN BY A BAND OF PIRATES THAT WOULD MAKE THE MAFIA BLUSH. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IS MISSING. THEY WAS BUYIN BUILDINGS AND RENTIN TO THEIR FRIENDS FOR POCKET CHANGE. THEY WAS FUNNELIN MONEY THROUGH FAKE ACCOUNTS TO PAY THEIRSELFS BONUS RETIREMENT MONEY, AND EVEN SELLIN THEIR BASKETBAW AND FOOTBAW TICKETS AND NOT REPORTIN THE INCOME. I HOPE THE I.R.S. SHOWS UP WITH A DOUBLE DECKER PADDY WAGON TO GIT EM ALL! LOCK EM UP! OH, LARRY. AIN’T NO RESPECTACLE COMPANY NEVER EVER EVER GONNA DONATE TO LOSERVILLE AGAIN. OL TOMMY TURTLENECK AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK GONNA HAVE TO HOLD BAKE SALES TO MAKE GAS MONEY FOR YOUR TEAM BUS.
NO MORE PRIVATE JET FLYIN FOR THEM CARDINAL TEAMS. Y’ALL GONNA HAVE TO GO GREYHOUND WHILE THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS WILL KEEP FLYIN IN FIRST CLASS STYLE. THE CATS PLAYERS WILL BE EATIN STEAK DINNERS AND POOR BROKE DOWN U OF SMELL PLAYERS WILL HAVE TO EAT BEEF JERKY AND STALE SODA POP FOR SUPPER. AND YOU STILL GOT THE DEATH PENALTY COMN FROM THE NC2A ANY DAY NOW! TAKE THAT BANNER DOWN, YOU CHEATIN FRAUDS! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! AND JUST TO PILE ON, COACH CAL SIGNED UP TO BE THE COACH OF THAT ALL-STAR TEAM THAT ROMEO LANKFORD IS TRYIN TO MAKE. I BETCHA COACH CAL GONNA SNARE HIM OUT FROM UNDER SLICK RICK’S NOSE JUST LIKE HE DONE MARQUIS TEAGUE, WHO TURNT OUT TO BE A CRUMMY PLAYER. BUT COACH CAL TOOK HIM JUST CUZ SLICK RICK THOUGHT HE HAD HIM IN THE BAG.
I BETCHA IN TWO WEEKS WHEN U OF SMELL GOT THE DEATH PENALTY AND NO MONEY TO BUY FOOD, I BETCHA THAT 5-STAR BRIAN BOWEN GONNA BEG COACH CAL TO BE A WILDCAT! DON’T U OF SMELL GOT TO SELL THAT SINFUL STRIPPER DARM FOR PUNISHMENT? YEP! MAKE THEM U OF SMELL BASKETBAW PLAYERS SLEEP IN THE COUNTY JAIL. THAT’S GONNA BE THEIR PERMANENT HOME SOMEDAY ANYWAY SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL GIT USED TO IT! I LOVE IT! BEIN A CAT FAN MEANS ALWAYS LAUGHIN WHEN U OF SMELL IS FAILIN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!