THE BEASMAN baseball frenzy
HEY LARRY, YOU GOT A MINUTE TO TAWK TO ME OR IS YOU STILL ON THE OTHER LINE TELLING YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK THAT YOU LOVE HIM AND WANT TO HAVE HIS BABY? (laffs) COME ON, LAUGH A LITTLE BIT, LARRY. THIS WILL BE THE ONLY JOSHIN YOU GONNA GIT TO DO THIS WEEK CUZ YOU AND ALL YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH, NECK TATTOO, BEER BREATH, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, RANDOM MURDERIN’ U OF SMELL CARDINAL FANS IS ABOUT TO GIT YOUR JOCK ROCKED BY THE BIG BLUE KENTUCKY WILDCAT BASEBAW TEAM!

I KNOW I CALLED YOU TWO WEEKS AGO AND SAID THAT BASEBAW WAS GAY AND Y’ALL ONLY ACT LIKE YOU CARE ‘BOUT BASEBAW CUZ YOU KNOW THE WILDCATS IS BETTER’N YOU IN FOOTBAW AND BASKETBAW. BUT NOW THAT THE CATS IS IN THE SUPER REGIONAL, BASEBAW IS COOL! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! WE IS BETTER THAN BABE RUTH, YOGI BEAR, DEREK JETER, AND A-ROD ALL COMBINED, DADGUMMIT! NOW THAT KENTUCKY IS IN IT, DON’T BE BUSPRISED IF A LOT OF OTHER TEAMS FARFIT. THAT’S HOW MUCH U UH KAY SCARES ALL THE OTHER ONES.

YOU FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS DONE HAD A LITTLE LUCK OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS BUT THAT’S BECAUSE THE A.C.C. IS WEAK SAUCE AND CAINT COMPARE TO THE SUPERIOR S.E.C. BYE, BYE N.C. STATE. YOU JUST GOT CRUSHED BY S.E.C. SUPERSTAR WILDCATS! AND THESE CATS DINT HAVE TO CHEAT LIKE LOSERVILLE DOES. Y’ALL PROLLY STOLE EVERBODY’S PLAYBOOK TO CHEAT BUT YOU CAINT STEAL U UH KAY’S PLAYBOOK CUZ WE DON’T USE ONE. NAW. THE U UH KAY BASEBAW PLAYERS JUST GIT UP THERE AND SWING FOR THE FENCE EVER TIME. WE GIT MORE HOMERS THAN A DICK VITALIS IMPRESSIONATION CONTEST.

LARRY, I WANNA SET NEXT TO YOU FOR THE FIRST GAME THIS WEEK. EVER TIME U UH KAY GITS A HIT OR THROWS U OF SMELL OUT, I WANNA LICK MY FINGER AND STICK IT IN YOUR EAR AND SAY “WHAT YOU GONNA DO NOW, GAY BOY?” BY THE THIRD INNING, YOU GONNA BE LEAVIN IN TEARS, RUNNIN ON HOME TO CRY ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK.

I HEARED THAT INNERVIEW YOU DONE WITH HIM YESTERDEE. SO PATHETIC. YOU AND SLICK GIGGLE LIKE LITTLE GIRLS. ONE MINUTE Y’ALL TAWKIN ABOUT YOUR SUPPOSUBLY 5-STAR RECRUIT – WHAT A JOKE THAT IS – AND THE NEXT MINUTE YOU AND SLICK IS TAWKIN ABOUT HIS OLD MAN BASKETBAW LEAGUE AND HOW YOU MASSAGE HIS SORE MUSKELS. LIKE ANYBODY CARES! WHY DON’T YOU TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW YOU MAGICALLY GIT SOME SUPPOSUBLY 5-STAR GUY RIGHT AFTER YOU SAID YOU WASN’T GONNA FILL THAT LAST SCHOLARSHIP! SOMETHING’S ROTTEN IN DENMARK, DADGUMMIT! IS U OF SMELL CHEATIN AGAIN?

Y’ALL GOT SOME NERVE, I TELL YOU WHAT! HERE YOU IS WAITIN ON THE NC2A TO HAND DOWN THE DEATH PENALTY FOR STRIPPERGATE AND Y’ALL IS ALREADY CHEATIN AGAIN! SUDDENLY A 5-STAR WHO CAINT FIND LOSERVILLE ON A MAP AND NOW HE MAGICALLY WANTS TO BE A CARDINAL BIRD. MAYBE WE NEED TO CHECK HIS DRIVEWAY FOR A NEW CAR OR SEE IF HIS MAMA IS GOIN ALL GEORGE JEFFERSON AND “MOVIN ON UP…TO THE EAST SIDE!” WELL, COACH CAL SAYS IT DON’T MATTER IS Y’ALL GOT ONE DECENT PLAYER. YOU STILL CAINT BEAT OUR BLESSED KENTUCKY WILDCATS TEAM WITH NINE MACDONALD ALL-AMERICANS!

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – I BETCHA HE PRAYED FOR GOD TO GIVE Y’ALL ONE GOOD PLAYER SO SLICK RICK WON’T QUIT AND OPEN UP THE JOB FOR A REAL COACH WHO AINT WARSHED UP. US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WANT SLICK RICK THERE CUZ HE CAINT NEVER BEAT COACH CAL. THAT LAST GAME WAS FAKE NEWS CUZ HIGGINS WAS THE REFFERMARIE AND SO Y’ALL CAINT COUNT THAT AS A REAL WIN. U OF SMELL IS LIKE A CAT TOY IN FRONT OF SNARLIN’ WILDCAT. WE GONNA TEAR Y’ALL APART THIS WEEKEND, EVEN IF Y’ALL GIT THAT CHEATIN REFERMARIE HIGGINS TO BE THE HOME PLATE UMPIRE. THE CATS BATS IS GONNA PUT THE DOOM ON THE CARDINAL BLOOM.

IT’S OVER, U OF SMELLERS! THE ONLY OMAHA YOU CARDINAL FANS CAN GIT IS WATCHING OLD TIME PEYTON MANNING TAPES OR ARDERING A BOX OF OMAHA STEAKS. THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIOUS IS ABOUT TO GIT DOMMERATED BY THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS. BASEBAW JUST GOT COOL WITH THE NEW BLUE LOOK OF KENTUCKY! BRING ON THEM STINKY CARDINAL BIRDS! CATS IS GOIN FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!