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You really do suck but you’re not sorry

Dear Sarcastic Millennials, Thanks for the smackdown.

Actually, we invented the Internet and video games, the electronic crack you can’t ignore. We’ve added millions of life’s upgrades over the past forty years in spite of daunting odds and occasional financial setbacks.

And we perfected the sarcasm that you’re attempting to replicate with your video We Suck & We’re Sorry. Ever heard of Saturday Night Live? 1975, bitches.

But we’ve persevered. That’s what winners do. They try. When we’ve failed, we try again.

Your Millennial generation seems to do a lot of whining about not starting out at the top. Your greatest inventions appear to be Facebook and Twitter, mechanisms of self-promotion/pirating/bullying that lose hundreds of millions of dollars each year while snuffing out life affirming personal interaction.

Culturally, you mostly offer intellectually bankrupt hipsters mimicking cool stuff your parents created. Got any fresh ideas, classic rock kids?

Oh, that’s right. You’re saving the planet. You, a little speck of a creature who thinks your every exhale changes the status of a 5.972E24 kg mass of planet.

Learn ya’ some scale, Magellan.

an while u at it lern u sum spelln an punktuashun lol omg smh

You are a colorful bunch. Today’s a good day to “borrow” more money from mom to go get another neck tattoo, because wearing the same shirt every day is not mundane at all. If you’d studied ancient Egyptian history you would know that gravity will ultimately twist your “tribal” ink into unreadable blobs of failure, you inert, spoiled, self-absorbed King Tut Nots.

You don’t even see the irony in posting a non-revenue producing video that bashes the people who’ve fed, clothed, educated, and funded your life (including paying for the expensive laptop computer to make your narcissistic YouTube selfie).

We, your parents, had minimum wage jobs, too; sometimes more than one so that we could slowly pay down our student loans and eek out an existence.

Welcome to life, crybabies. You can either get off your dead ass and start working your way up from the bottom like we did, or you can keep Instagramming snarky photos of how unfair it is that no evil corporation will start you as a top tier management type because “you’re special.”

The only trophies you deserve are the same ones we received, a pair of work boots and a meager wage. Lace ‘em up and shut up until you are mature enough to utter words of wisdom from the experience of earning your own way in this world.

You don’t need to tell us how hard life is. We’ve already blazed our own trails, and we did it without insulting our parents in the process.

You’ve got 99 problems, alright, but a winning attitude ain’t one.

dad. husband. observer. media personality. pathological flyer.