The University of Louisville football team hired Lexington native Mike Summers as co-offensive coordinator. He happens to be married to the Beasman’s daughter. That can’t sit well with his father-in-law.
THE BEASMAN son-in-law traitor turncoat
STOP TAWKIN ABOUT YOUR GREEN GAY BUTT PACKERS. AINT NOBODY CARES HERE IN WILDCAT COUNTRY! I BEEN PUKIN UP BLOOD EVER SINCE SAIRDEE, DADGUMMIT, AND IT AIN’T CUZ YOUR FLUNKY U OF SMELL LOSERVILLE LITTLE BROTHERS BEAT THE DOOKIES. U UH KAY DON’T CARE ABOUT SLICK RICK’S HAS BEENS. NAW, US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS AIN’T AFRAID OF NO BROKEBACK DUKE COACH SHIT-SHETSKI THE FOULMOUTH REFEREE’S PET. U UH KAY CAN BEAT DUKE BY A LOT MORE THAN YOUR SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO, RAP MUSIC LOVIN CARDINAL BIRDS DONE. YOU JUST WATCH, YOU BALD TRAITOR!
COACH CAL GONNA RUN THE TABLE THE REST OF THE WAY AND WIN IT ALL. BUT ABOUT THAT PUKIN BLOOD STUFF…(cry a little) LARRY…I BEEN TRAUMERTIZED WORSE THAN EVER! (cry) DADGUMMIT, MY SWEET DAUGHTER COME RUNNIN’ IN MY HOUSE ON SAIRDEE AND SHE SAYS, “DADDY, I GOT SOME REAL TURRIBLE NEWS!” AND I SAYS, ‘WHAT? DID YOU GIT ONE OF THEM STUPID TATTOOS ON YOUR NAY-NAY? WE CAN SCRUB IT OFF WITH A BRILLER PAD!” BUT SHE SAYS, “NAW DADDY, IT’S WORSER THAN THAT!” AND SO I SAYS, “YOU DINT RUN OFF WITH SOME HIPPIES AND SNORT MARY-JUANER, DID YA?” AND SHE SAYS, “NO DADDY, IT’S YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE!” AND SO I SAYS, “DADGUMMIT, IS YOU A LOWDOWN U OF SMELL CARDINAL LOVIN TRAITOR TURNCOAT?” THEN MY DAUGHTER STARTS A-CRYIN AND SAYIN IT WEREN’T HER GOIN BENERDICT ARNOLD ON BIG BLUE NATION.
IT’S HER NO-COUNT HUSBAND MIKE SUMMERS. HE JUST GOT NAMED THE U OF SMELL OFFENSIVE LINE COACH, BRINGING THAT UGLY RED TERROR BACK INTO OUR FAMILY. I BOUT FELL OVER AND POOTIED MY PANTS. THE MAN WHO LAYS HIS HEAD NEXT TO MY SWEET LITTLE DAUGHTER DONE JOINED THE LOSERVILLE DEMONS. MY SON-IN-LAW, THE FATHER OF MY GRANDBABIES DONE SIGNED UP TO BE A NO COUNT, TWO BIT, SNAGGLE TOOTH, CROSS-EYED, STINKBREATH, PLAYBOOK-STEALIN, U OF SMELL CARDINAL CONVICT COACH.
HE’S FROM LEXINUN! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO BIG BLUE NATION? MY DAUGHTER SAYS HE COME HOME AND ANNOUNCED HE GOTTA NEW JOB, THEN STARTED TAWKIN OUTTA HIS HEAD AND SHE THUNK HE JOINED ISIS. TURNT OUT TO BE WORSER…HE JOINED U OF SMELL! HE TODE MY DAUGHTER TO PACK UP CUZ THEY WAS MOVIN TO THE WORST COLLEGE SPARTS TOWN IN AMERICA. JUST LIKE ONE OF THEM FLAKY PEOPLE WHO CAINT GIVE UP BAD HABITS, MY ROCKHEAD SON-IN-LAW DON’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT BEIN A DUMMY. HE COACHED AT U OF SMELL LONG TIME AGO WITH BOBBY THEN HE FOLLOWED HIM TO THE NFL AND ARKANSAS.
THAT’S WHEN MY DAUGHTER THUNK THE NIGHTMARE WAS OVER. WE PAID FOR 6 MONTHS OF THERAPY LIKE WHEN YOU DE-PROGRAM A MOONIE. BUT HE MUSTA SNAPPED OR SOMETHING. I WENT OVER THERE THIS MARNIN AND HIT HIM IN A FACE WITH A TWO-BY-FOUR BUT HE JUST KEPT SAYIN “GO CARDS” LIKE HE’S IN A CARDINAL TRANCE. HE’S DOIN THAT STUPID L SIGN, WEARING A FLATBILL HAT, GOT A GRILL ON HIS TEETH, AND HE KEEPS CALLING A.C.C. RADIO GUYS ASKIN IF THEY GOT A PLAYBOOK TO SELL. MY SON-IN-LAW DONE TURNT INTO A CARDINAL CRYBABY! LARRY, AFTER I QUIT HITTIN HIM WITH THAT BOARD I DONE LAID DOWN THE LAW TO HIM.
“Thanks, Coach Berezowitz. Happy holidays!”
I SAYS TO HIM: YOU GOTTA GIT MY GIRL A HOUSE OUT IN BULLITT COUNTY WHERE LOTS OF GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS LIVE SO SHE CAN FRIEND EM UP. WE DON’T WANT HER AND THE KIDS AROUND ALL THESE IDIOT CARDINAL LOUDMOUTHS. MY BOY-IN-LAW CAINT BRING NO U OF SMELL CLOTHES, HOODIES, SAGGY PANTS, OR CARDINAL BONGS INTO THEIR HOUSE CUZ THEY COULD POISON THE MINDS OF MY GRANDKIDS. I WANT THEIR DOORBELL TO PLAY THE U UH KAY FIGHT SONG AND U UH KAY POSTERS IN EVER ROOM. AND THEY GOTTA PAINT THEIR DOG BLUE. AND IF MY IDIOT SON EVER STEALS A PLAYBOOK THEN IT BETTER BE TO HELP STOOPS TROOPS.
I GOT THE RED FEVER. YOU SUCK, LOSERVILLE. THANKS FOR RUININ MY FAMILY. I DONE TOOK A SHARPIE TO HIS FACE IN ALL OUR FAMILY PHOTOS SO IT LOOKS LIKE MY DAUGHTER IS MARRIED TO A MAN WITH A BOWLIN BALL HEAD. MY DAUGHTER’S CRYIN. I’M SO TORE UP. AND I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW. THEY REJECTED US FOR BEIN TOO WEIRD. COACH CAL ALWAYS SAYS “NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT” BUT DADGUMMIT, THIS HERE IS THE TITANIC!