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The Beasman is still tore up about another Florida jinx game

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THE BEASMAN florida curse continues
(crying) LARRY…I CAINT TAKE IT NO MORE. STOP TAWKIN BOUT THAT GOLFER FROM LOSERVILLE AND TAWK ABOUT WHAT WE GONNA DO NOW WITH U UH KAY! (crying) I’M SO TORE UP. (crying) THE FLORIDER JINX IS CRUSHIN MY WILDCAT HEART. (crying) LITTLE WILDCAT KIDS COULDN’T GO TO SCHOOL TODAY CUZ THEY’S DEE-PRESSED. THEIR WILDCAT MOMMIES AND DADDIES STAYED HOME DRINKIN, CRYIN, AND CUSSIN THEM REFFERMARIES. (crying) IT AIN’T F-F-F-FUNNY WHEN U UH KAY LOSES.

IT’S ONLY FUNNY WHEN U OF SMELL IS A F-F-F-F-FAILURE. (crying) I THUNK FOR SURE WHEN THE CATS WAS UP 27-14 THAT THE 30-YEAR JINX WAS OVER. WE WAS HIGH-FIVIN AND LAUGHIN AND TAWKIN BOUT HOW U OF SMELL SUCKS AND HOW KENTUCKY IS GOODER THAN ALABAMMER AND EVERBODY ELSE. (crying) US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS TURNT TOWARD THE FLORIDER SECTION TO GIVE GATOR CHOMP HUMILERATION TO THEIR FANS. WE WAS SHOUTIN “LOOOOOOOSER!” AT ALL THEM FLORIDER PEOPLE.

Oops. Someone forgot to place their hand over his heart for the national anthem.

“YOU SUCK, YOU BUNCH OF TRUMP LOVIN, BEACH BUM, HURRICANE TRASH NOBODIES. GO ON HOME TO YOUR FLOODED BASEMENTS. WE IS THE CATS!” AND SUDDENLY WE ALL LOOK UP AND SOME FLORIDER CHEATER GOES OUT FOR PASS WITHOUT NO WILDCAT TO GUARD HIM. (crying) TOUCHDOWN…FOR THE SECOND TIME! (hard crying) MY WILDCATS DONE GOT PUNKED AGAIN BY THEM COCONUT HEAD FLORIDER CHEATERS, DAGUMMIT. (crying) YOU POSED TO LET THE OTHER TEAM KNOW YOU IS STANDING THERE UNGUARDED.

IT’S THE LAW! IT’S SO DISHONEST TO SNEAK OUT THERE ALONE AND STAY QUIET. THAT’S CHEATIN IF YOU ASK ME. (crying) QUIT THAT SMIRKIN, LARRY MINNER. STOP SMIRKIN ABOUT U UH KAY GITTIN JOBBED BY THE REFFERMARIES AGAIN. YOU KNOW THEM NO COUNT, CROSS-EYED, CROOKED REFERMARIES WAS GITTIN PAID OFF TO CALL HODING ON U UH KAY ON THAT LAST PLAY. (crying) WE WAS GONNA KICK THAT FIELD GOAL AFTER BENNY GOT US DOWN TO THE 25 YARD LINE BUT THEM CHEATIN REFFERMARIES CALLED IT BACK AND THEN WE HAD TO KICK A 99 YARD FIELD GOAL. HORRIBLE!

photos: Kentucky.com

(crying) I DON’T THINK I BLEEVE IN GOD NO MORE, LARRY. ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS PRAYIN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER: “PLEASE GOD, LET OUR CATS WIN FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 19&55 AND WE PROMISE WE’LL GO TO CHURCH EVER DAY JUST LIKE COACH CAL!” BUT GOD DINT LISSEN. HE LET FLORIDER WIN AND THEY MOCKED US WITH THEIR GATOR CHOMPS ALL THE WAY OUT TO THE PARKIN LOT. YOU KNOW WHAT? COACH CAL NEVER WINS NO NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS BUT HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY. I THINK GOD IS AGIN THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS! MAYBE US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS NEED TO TAKE A KNEE DURING THE OPENING PRAYER! (crying)

BUT EVEN IN OUR MISERY, US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAN STILL SOMETHIN TO SMILE ABOUT. U OF SMELL IS STILL GITTIN THE DEATH PENALTY! LET’S CELERMABRATE THE NC2A TELLIN THEM SKANKY GRAMMAW STRIPPER LOVIN U OF SMELLERS TO TAKE THAT BANNER DOWN! IT’S FAKE NEWS! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! LET’S HAVE US A BIG BLUE PEPPER RALLY IN FRONT OF THE DEADBEAT YUM YUM ARENER WHEN THE NC2A BRINGS THAT LADDER TRUCK IN THERE TO YANK DOWN THAT LYIN BANNER!

Michigan guard Trey Burke (3) walks off the court as confetti falls on Louisville players, including Russ Smith (2), Luke Hancock (11), Stephan Van Treese (44) and Zach Price (25), after the NCAA Final Four tournament college basketball championship game, Monday, April 8, 2013, in Atlanta. Louisville won 82-76. (AP Photo/Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Curtis Compton)

IT NEVER HAPPENED! HOORAY CATS! U UH KAY IS THE LAST KENTUCKY TEAM TO WIN IT ALL, NOT NO SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, MAN WEARIN EARRINGS, STINKBREATH, FOULMOUTH, GRAMMAW STRIPPER, CHILD ABUSE, HEROIN NEEDLE, GANG BANG DRIVE BY SHOOTERS, BACKWARDS CAP, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, GRAFFITI PAINTIN, HAIRY GIRL ARMPIT, WHISKEY FOR BREAKFAST, BRAINLESS, G.E.D. FLUNKIN THUG U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS. SO WE GOT THAT GOIN FOR US, WHICH IS NICE! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

The Beasman can’t stop laughing about Clemson trouncing UofL

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THE BEASMAN cats on fire as cards fold
(unaired portion of script) THEY DISSED US, LARRY! THEY DINT SHAKE OUR HANDS SO THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS HAD TO CRUSH THEIR SOUTH CARAMALINER SOULS FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN A ROW! WE ARE UK! WE ARE BIG BLUE! KENTUCKY PROUD! STOOPS TROOPS! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! WE LOVE US SOME KENTUCKY WILDCATS! BENNY SNELL SAID IT BEST: WE BE 3 AND OH! WE BE 3! WE BE 3! WE BE 3! I ARE A COLLEGE STUDENT! I ARE A COLLEGE STUDENT.

photos: UK athletics

GOOOOO BIG BLUE! BUT THE STOOPID TOP 25 PO STILL DON’T GOT NO U UH KAY IN IT. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS WRONG WITH THEM LUNKHEADS WHO VOTE? IS THEY ALL ON DRUGS? WELL ONCE WE BEAT UP THEM FLORIDER GATORS COME SAIRDEE NIGHT THEN WE WILL SEE WHO BLONGS IN THE TOP 25 AND WHO IS A FRAUD! WHAT A WEEKEND! CATS WIN! CATS WIN! CATS WIN! AND GAME DAY AINT NEVER COMIN BACK TO Y’ALL’S GHETTO TOWN CUZ YOU CAINT GIVE EM A GOOD GAME. CARDINALS GOT BLOWED OUT AND US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS LOVIN EVER MINUTE OF IT! FIRE HONEST BOBBY! FIRE HONEST BOBBY! HIRE JEFF BROHM! HIRE JEFF BROHM! (laffs) I LOVE STIRRIN THE POT, LARRY.

Y’ALL PATHETIC U OF SMELL FANS GOT TO TAKE YOUR LUMPS AND ADMIT THAT U UH KAY IS YOUR MASTER IN FOOTBAW AND BASKETBAW! WE BEAT YOU LAST FALL AND WE BEEN ON A ROAD WINNING STREAK EVER SINCE! Y’ALL SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS LAUGHED AT US WHEN WE SAID BEATIN U OF SMELL IN THE PIZZA OVEN WAS THE TURNAROUND FOR U UH KAY FOOTBAW. WELL LOOK AT BOTH OF US NOW, YOU FRUIT LOOP! THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS AMERICA’S TEAM AND U OF SMELL JUST GOT ANOTHER BEATDOWN ON NATIONAL TELLERBISION.

OL LEE CORSO PUT ON THAT CARDINAL HEAD AND THE CLEMZER DINT TAKE TOO KIND TO IT. LEE CORSO MUST BE SEE-NILE! BETTER GIT HIM A FULLTIME NURSE CUZ HE’S OUTTA HIS MIND. THE ONLY THING Y’ALL DID RIGHT WAS WEAR BLACK CLOTHES BECAUSE IT WAS A CARDINAL FUNERAL! (laffs) AND POOR OL SLICK RICK PUT ON LAY-MAR JACKSON’S TIGHT JERSEY LIKE HE THUNK HE WAS A NEW YARK FASHION MODEL. WHAT A JOKE! THE ONLY PASS SLICK RICK KNOWS HOW TO THROW IS TO SOME STRUMPET TO SNEAK IN THE DARM AND COMMIT SINS WITH HIS PLAYERS.

ADMIT IT, LARRY! IT IS ALL OVER FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK AND HIS SINFUL SIDEKICK BOBBY PETRINKO. Y’ALL JUST NEED TO PIRE WARSH ALL THEM CRIMINAL COACHES OUTTA YOUR GHETTO TOWN AND START OVER. I BETCHA THE STATUE OF JOHNNY UNITAS WOULDA PLAYED BETTER THAN ANYBODY ON YOUR TEAM! MEANTIME U UH KAY IS THE TOAST OF AMERICA. WE GOT US COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY. AND WE GOT US MARK STOOPS, WHO USED TO BE STOOPID BUT NOW THAT HE’S WINNIN WE ALL LOVE HIM. KENTUCKY IS THE GOLD STANDARD AND LOSERVILLE IS THE MOLD STANDARD. Y’ALL IS CRUSTY, MOLDY, TIRED HAS BEENS THAT IS THE LAUGHING STOCK OF AMERICA.

photo: UofL athletics

PUT ME ON HODE FOR THE MARK STOOPS CALL-IN SHOW. HE TAWKS TO HIS FANS WHILE BOBBY PETRINKO DON’T TAKE NO CALLS AND GITS AST QUESTIONS THAT HIS STAFF MEMBERS WRITE IN ADVANCE. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL! U UH KAY GONNA FINALLY WHOOP FLARIDER AND ALL THE CURSES WILL BE AS DEAD AS LOSERVILLE’S 2013 BANNER! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! YOU SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, WHISKEY FOR BREAKFAST, FOULMOUTH, STINKBREATH, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, UNCHRISTIAN, UNHINGED, UNAMERICAN SCUMBAG U OF SMELL THUGS IS FINALLY GITTIN WHAT’S COMIN TO YOU….A BIG, FAT TRIP TO NOBODYLAND.

GAME DAY AINT COMIN BACK. BOWL BIDS AINT COMIN BACK. MARCH MADNESS AINT COMIN BACK. THE ONLY THING COMIN BACK TO LOSERVILLE IS NC2A INVESTERGATORS BRINGIN A BIG TALL LADDER TO CLIMB UP IN THE DEADBEAT YUM YUM ARENER TO CUT DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS BANNER, AND THEN THEY GONNA REPO THAT FRAUD HEISMAN TROPHY! BETTER SET YOUR GPS FOR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, LARRY.

YOU AND YOUR TIGHT JERSEY WEARIN BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK ABOUT TO GIT RUN OUTTA TOWN WORSE THAN CLEMZER DONE TO YOUR OVERRATED FOOTBAW TEAM. BETTER PUT SOME FRESH LIGHTBULBS IN YOUR SCOREBOARD FOR NEXT SAIRDEE WHEN Y’ALL GIT TROUNCED BY CUPCAKE STATE! AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

Bevin excoriates Beshear over continuing challenges to his administration

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Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin has had it up to here with Attorney General Andy Beshear. Last week, Bevin directed many state agencies to cut budgets by 17.4%. Beshear claims the governor is breaking the law by replenishing the state’s nearly depleted rainy day fund.

The governor and attorney general are regular guests on my radio show. It just so happened that today was the governor’s scheduled monthly appearance. He was loaded for bear.

LISTEN

Andy Beshear’s next scheduled radio appearance is September 19th at 4:10 PM on 840WHAS.

See you then.

Jen on hurricanes and American upheaval, MOTHER!

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Haha. Bwahahahahahaha.

When Jennifer Lawrence talks…

…some people lose their minds trying to read too much into it.

Even SNOPES (a known hoax site) had to weigh in on the overreaction.

Jennifer Lawrence responds:

“My remarks were taken grossly out of context. Obviously I never claimed that President Trump was responsible for these tragic hurricanes. That is a silly and preposterous headline.”

Promoting her new film MOTHER! on Jimmy Fallon’s show, Jen also talked about her trip to Louisville where ax throwing became a memorable moment (approx 6 minutes into video).

I hope this is the theme song for the crazy horror film MOTHER!

And since we’re looking ahead, here’s the first trailer for Jennifer’s next film Red Sparrow (opening March 2, 2018)

Most annoying songs ever

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Everyone has a roster of songs that are so irksome that just one note induces an immediate station switch. In no particular order, I despise each of these songs and never want to hear them again because I never wanted to hear them in the first place.

Kill me now so I don’t have to hear Terry Jacks whine one more time. But what’s even worse is the sound of grownups chanting ooga shagga ooga shagga ooga shagga ooga…

And the absolute worst song of all time…

Freeway Rick Ross walks a straight line today

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Once America’s top cocaine dealer, Freeway Rick Ross has traveled an arduous path. He hid his drug dealing profession from his mom by purchasing buildings instead of pricey cars and flashy clothes.

Terry Meiners and Freeway Rick Ross, September 6, 2017

Ross notes the irony of buying drugs from foreigners funded by the U.S. government. Freeway Rick sold over a billion dollars of cocaine in the 1980s. Eventually he wound up in prison, learned to read, taught himself legal strategies, and made it back into the free world.

But now he wants to teach young people, particularly black males, that “the life” is a fake fantasy. He knows today’s opioid crisis could be the end of us all.

Freeway Rick Ross wants to stop people from making the mistakes he made.

He dropped by my radio studio today to tell some of his story.

He doesn’t want to talk about Rapper Rick Ross. He just wants his name back.

He’s already succeeded in getting his life back.

The Beasman: UK pimp slaps USM while U of Smell limps past Purdue

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Kentucky photos via UK athletics on Twitter

AWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! GO BIG BLUE! WE IS #1 IN FOOTBAW. COACH CAL IS #1 IN HURRICANE FUNDRAISIN. AND U OF SMELL STILL SUCKS LIKE LAST YEAR! BIG BLUE NATION RULES THE WORLD! HEY LAREEEEEEEEE! LARRY DADGUM MINNER! YOUR CARDINAL BIRDS LOOKED LIKE THEY STILL GOT THE FUMBLE-ITIS THEY HAD LASS YEAR WHEN U UH KAY BEAT ‘EM AND TURNT EM INTO NOBODIES. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH THEM CARDINAL CONVICTS, LARRY? DO THEY THINK THAT FOOTBAW IS A SUBPOENA OR A HAND GRENADE? AIN’T NONE OF ‘EM WANTS TO HODE ONTO IT.

LAY-MAR JACKSON WAS OK BUT THE REST OF EM SUCKED. I TELL YOU WHAT, ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS PULLIN HARD FOR THEM ROTTEN BROHM BROTHERS TO UPSET U OF SMELL AND PUT A BIG SMILE ON BIG BLUE NATION’S FACE. GO PURDUE! BEAT THAT VILLE! EVER TIME PURDUE WOULD MAKE A MOVE, ALL OF BIG BLUE NATION WAS LAUGHIN AND PRAYIN FOR THE UPSET. DADGUMMIT, IT WAS LOOKIN GOOD FOR MOST OF THE GAME BUT THEM ROTTEN CARDINAL BIRDS LIMPED AWAY WITH A FRAUD VICTREE.

BUT LEMME TELL YOU, AIN’T NO WAY U OF SMELL CAN BEAT CLEMSON, FLORIDA STATE, OR THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS. STOOPS TROOPS GONNA PIMP SMACK Y’ALL AROUND LIKE WE DONE LAST YEAR, LARRY. THE WILDCATS PUT THE HAMMER DOWN ON SOUTHERN MISTERSIPPI REAL FAST AND SO THE REST OF THE GAME WE WAS JUST EXPERIMENTIN WITH DIFFERNT COMBER-ATIONS. SO THE CATS IS GONNA RUN THE TABLE THIS YEAR AND WIN THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS IN FOOTBAW AND BASKETBAW.

EVEN YALL STUPID U OF SMELLERS GOTTA ADMIT THAT COACH CAL IS A SAINT. HE JUST COMES ON TV AND IMMEDIATELY BIG BLUE NATION DIGS DEEP AND GIVES A MILLION DOLLARS TO THEM TEXAS PEOPLE WHAT’S DOG PADDLIN FROM THE HARVEY THING. THE ONLY TIME U OF SMELL RAISES MONEY IS TO POST BOND FOR ALL Y’ALLS CRIMINAL PLAYERS AND LEGAL FEES FOR Y’ALL COACHES IN TROUBLE WITH THE NC2A. COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – GOT ALL THEM NBA PLAYERS ON SPEED DIAL TO RAISE CHARITY MONEY.

IF SLICK RICK NEEDS TO TAWK TO HIS FARMER PLAYERS HE JUST GOES DOWN TO SKID ROW TO FIND ‘EM ALL SHOOTIN CRAPS AND SELLIN DOPE FOR A LIVIN. WHAT IS U OF SMELL GONNA DO FOR THE FLOOD VICTIMS, SEND EM SOME OLD LADY STRIPPERS? I LOVE IT.

U UH KAY GOT IT GOIN ON, LARRY. AND QUIT TAWKIN ABOUT HOW OUR RECEIVER WAS ON THE TWITTER MACHINE COMPLAININ ABOUT HIS PLAYIN TIME. TURNT OUT SOME U OF SMELLER HACKED HIS ACCOUNT. SU-PRISE, SU-PRISE. WHY DON’T Y’ALL SNAGGLE TOOTH, BEER BREATH, NECK TATTOO, MAN BUN, DIRTY BEARD, BACKWARDS CAP, GRAFFITI PAINTIN, GRAMPA PUNCHIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK CARDINAL PEOPLE CLEAN UP YOUR OWN HOUSE. THE FIRST THING YOU CAN DO IS FETCH A LADDER TO CLIMB UP AND TAKE DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS BANNER. TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! THAT’S A FRAUD BANNER. THE ONLY U OF SMELL BANNERS THAT IS REAL IS THE ONES DENNY CRUMMY GOT FOR Y’ALL.

Denny Crum, July 2017 (photo by Danny Alexander for TOPS Louisville magazine)

AND I WANNA SAY A SPECIAL HELLO TO DENNY CUZ I KNOW HE GOT SICK WHILE HE WAS FISHIN. I’M GLAD HE’S OK NOW CUZ I NEED TO TAKE HIM OUT AND CATCH MORE FISH THAN HIM LIKE I ALWAYS DO. DENNY IS THE ONLY GOOD CARDINAL. SLICK RICK AND THE REST OF THEM ANDRE MCGEE STRIPPER POLE SCUMBAGS IS A DISS-GRACE TO THE STATE OF KENTUCKY. THE ONLY THING U OF SMELL DOES BETTER THAN U UH KAY IS COMMIT CRIMES. CONGRATULATIONS ON HAVIN ONE SKILL, U OF SMELLERS.

Louisville St. Xavier’s Justin Thomas, five wins on the PGA Tour in 2017

AND QUIT ACTIN LIKE JUSTIN THOMAS IS A CARDINAL BIRD. HE WENT TO ALABAMMER CUZ HE KNOWED THE S.E.C. IS THE BEST. HE ONLY SAID HE LIKES U OF SMELL SO Y’ALL WON’T BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN WHILE HE’S AWAY PLAYIN GOLF. YOU SUCK, LARRY! GO CATS! GO BLUE! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

There is one perfect job

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Meet Elizabeth O’Neill McCall. She is the master taster at Woodford Reserve, a bourbon owned by Brown-Forman.

That’s right. She has been trained as a taster of bourbons. At work. THIS IS HER JOB!

Never, ever think that every job has a down side. Elizabeth is living the dream the rest of us can only imagine.

My perfect Friday night ensemble.