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Cats lose. Beasman wants Coach Cal fired and that rotten Sister Jean excommunicated

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THE BEASMAN cats lose
(cry) I WOULDN’T A-SHOOK THEIR HANDS, NEITHER. BUNCH OF STREET THUG, SCRAPPING, LYIN, CHEATING, BRASS KNUCKLE, CAT O NINE TAILS, BASEBAW BAT SWINGING, PUNK, HIPPIE, SNOWFLAKE, M.M.A., FACE KICKIN, NOBODY, KANSAS WHEAT FIELD TRASH.

(cry) I AIN’T SLEPT A DADGUM WINK, LARRY MINNER. THIS CAINT BE REAL. (cry)

WE IS THE CATS! AIN’T NOBODY POSED TO PUSH US AROUND AND DO ALL THAT BALL SLAPPIN, REACH-IN, SHAWNEE PARK DIRT BOWL, RUMBLIN’, GUN TOTIN, DRIVE-BY SHOOTIN, NECK TATTOO, 8-ON-5, GANG BANG, BRAWLER BALLIN AGAINST THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS! WHO DO THEY THINK THEY IS, SOME PRISON PLAYGROUND TEAM?

(cry) THEM REFFERMARIES WAS LETTIN THEM KANSAS STATE THUGS CLAW AWAY AT OUR HANDSOME, GOD-FEARIN, MAMA-LOVIN, PURDY, GRACEFUL, HIGH-STEPPIN, SMOOTH SAILIN, WORLD CLASS KENTUCKY WILDCATS!

I KNOW THEY CALLED 30 FOULS ON THEM BUT THEY SHOULDA CALLED A HUNDERD THIRTY FOULS ON ‘EM…IN THE FIRST HALF! (cry) AND NOW IT’S ALL OVER. I BET CBS IS GONNA CANCEL THE REST OF THE TOURNEYMINT CUZ AIN’T NOBODY GONNA WATCH WITHOUT NO KENTUCKY WILDCATS PLAYIN IN IT. MARCH MADNESS IS NOW LESS POP-A-LAR THAN WATCHING PING PONG ON EXPN AT 3 O’CLOCK IN THE MARNIN. RATINGS GO IN THE TARLIT.

CAT FANS IS ALL DRIVIN HOME FROM CATLANTA ON FLOODED HIGHWAYS FILLED WITH TEARS OF CAT FANS ROLLIN OUT OF THE PICKUP TRUCKS AND RUSTY R.V.s. (cry) WHO WANTS TO LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE ISS? COACH CAL IS A FAILURE AGAIN.

HE GITS THE #1 RECRUITIN CLASS YEAR AFTER YEAR AND ALL WE DO IS FIZZLE OUT COME MARCH MADNESS! COACH CAL SHOULDA HAD 9 CHAMPERCHIPS BY NOW, BUT ALL HE GOT IS A MEASLY ONE AND THE F.B.I. IS MAKIN THAT ONE LOOK SHAKY. (cry)

I GUESS COACH CAL IS THE LINDSEY VONN OF COACHES. HE LOOKS GOOD COMIN OUT THERE BUT THEN HE WINDS UP SNAPPIN HIS LEG LIKE A PRETZEL ONCE THE GAME GITS STARTED. HE DON’T KNOW HOW TO COACH! THAT MUST BE WHY HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – TO ASK GOD TO TEACH HIM HOW TO COACH.

Sister Jean Dolores-Schmidt celebrates (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)

AND NOW YOU KNOW GOD IS GONNA SEE TO IT THAT SMART ALECK OLD NUN IS GONNA WIN IT ALL. I SEEN HER ON THERE GRINNIN ALL NIGHT WHILE U UH KAY WAS LOSIN. HER ONLY JOB IS TO PRAY ALL DAY SO NATURALLY GOD GONNA BUTTER HER BISCUIT MORE THAN COACH CAL. THEY TELL ME HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY BUT I HEARD HE SLEEPS THROUGH MOST OF IT. WELL NOW ALL US CAT FANS AIN’T GONNA SLEEP NO MORE TIL NEXT SEASON GITS HERE AND WE GIT TRICKED BY COACH CAL’S FOOL’S GOLD ONE MORE TIME. (cry) I KNOWED IT WAS A BAD SIGN WHEN RICHIE FARMER GOT ARRESTED ON U UH KAY’S GAME DAY.

THEN ASHLEY JUGGS SHOWED UP AND BROUGHT HER BAD MOJO. SHE AIN’T HAD A HIT MOVIE SINCE THAT SHARK ATE HER RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF “JAWS.” WE GOT TO CHANGE IT ALL UP, CAT FANS. LET’S GIT RID OF COACH CAL, HIRE KINNY SKY WALKER, GIT RID OF THEM DUMB CHECKERBOARD UNI-FARMS, AND WHEN THESE SHOE COMPANIES GIVE OUR PLAYERS’ FAMILIES A HUNDERD THOUSAND, MAKE ‘EM SIGN A CONTRACT TO PLAY AT LEAST THREE YEARS FOR THE CATS….AT A HUNDERD THOUSAND A YEAR, OF COURSE! (cry)

AND DADGUMMIT, DON’T TAKE NO TIME OFF. GIT OUT THERE AND TAKE A HUNDERD THOUSAND PRACTICE FREE THROWS, YOU BUNCH OF NITWITS! (cry)

Cards get their jaws jacked in the NIT, the Beasman suggest a Toys R Us strategy to go out of business

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THE BEASMAN cards pounded by miss state
(laffs) I BEEN A-LAUGHIN ALL LAST NIGHT AND TODAY WATCHING U OF SMELL’S DUMPSTER FIRE TURN INTO A INFERNO! GOVERNOR BLEVINS NEEDS TO DEE-CLARE THE U OF SMELL ATHLETICS DEE-PARTMENT A DISASTER AREA. IN CASE YOU DINT GIT THE LICENSE PLATE NUMBER OFF THE TRUCK THAT SMASHED YOUR N.I.T. DREAMS, IT SAID “MISTERSIPPI STATE.” (laffs)

photo of David Padgett by Gov. Matt Bevin

LOOK OUT, CARDINAL BIRDS…HERE COMES ANOTHER SLAM DUNK DOWN ON YOUR POINTY CHEATIN HEADS! LARRY, THE S.E.C. JACKS LITTLE BROTHER’S JAW AND EVERTHANG IS HAP-HA-HAPPY IN BIG BLUE NATION! HOW YOU DOIN, LARRY? I’M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR NOT KILLIN YOURSELF. I FIGGERED LOTS OF CARDINAL CRYBABY FANS WOULD JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE AFTER THAT N.I.T. DISASTER LAST NIGHT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK Y’ALL ALL WANNA HANG AROUND TO CHEER AGAINST U UH KAY.

(laffs) AIN’T GONNA DO YOU NO GOOD! THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GONNA WIN IT ALL AND THEN SHOVE THAT TROPHY UP IN YOUR UGLY, SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FACES. Y’ALL TAKE DOWN A BANNER AND U UH KAY PUTS UP A NEW ONE! I LOVE IT! SERIOUS BIDNIZ, LARRY. DO Y’ALL PINHEAD CARDINAL FANS FINALLY UNDERSTAND THAT THE S.E.C. IS WHERE ALL THE GREAT TEAMS PLAY? THE A.C.C. AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A BUNCH OF SWISHY BOY WILDCAT WANNABES.

LARRY, IT’S FINALLY TIME FOR U OF SMELL TO TAKE A HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR…THAT IS…IF THE MIRROR AIN’T FILLED WITH COCAINE, AND SAY TO YOURSELF “IS IT TIME TO GIVE UP BASKETBAW FOR GOOD?” I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT. THE F.B.I. DONE EXPOSED YOU AS SHOE PIMP CHEATERS. THE NC2A DONE EXPOSED YOUR STRIPPER POLE AND GRANDMA PROSTERTUTES. AND SLICK RICK DONE HAD SEX ON A RESTRUNT TABLE.

LARRY, U OF SMELL BASKETBAW IS LIKE TOYS R US. IT’S TIME TO JUST CLOSE IT UP AND GO OUTTA BIDNIZ FOREVER. Y’ALL TRIED. Y’ALL CHEATED…BUT YOU TRIED. AND NOW IT’S OVER.

YOU DON’T GOTTA GO PAY THAT BALD GUY IN CINCINNAPLISS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO MOVE DOWN HERE AND SAVE YOU. U OF SMELL IS BROKE ANYWAY. SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE, THE MONEY, AND THE SHAME AND JUST DO LIKE TOYS R US… SHUT IT ALL DOWN FOR GOOD. YOU GOT NO RECRUITS FOR NEXT YEAR. YOUR PROGRUM IS THE BUTT OF JOKES. SLICK RICK AND TOMMY TURTLENECK BURNT IT DOWN TO THE GROUND SO THE DECENT THING FOR Y’ALL TO DO IS BURY IT AND JUST LET THE WHOLE STATE CHEER FOR KENTUCKY. COME ON…SAY IT WITH ME. AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

LET BIG BLUE NATION PAINT YOUR CHICKEN BUCKET SO THAT A NICE N.B.A. TEAM FILLED WITH FORMER WILDCATS CAN COME IN HERE AND SHOW Y’ALL WHAT REAL BASKETBAW LOOKS LIKE. (laffs) AND YOU NEED TO REE-TIRE AND LET MATT JONES HAVE YOUR RADIO SHOW SO US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAN GIT ON ALL DAY AND TAWK ABOUT COACH CAL AND HOW HE DON’T CHEAT AND HOW ALL THESE SUPERSTARS COME TO U UH KAY WITHOUT NO SHOE MONEY CUZ THEY JUST LOVE THE CATS. WELL, EXCEPT FOR BAM. HE GOT $48,000 BUT COACH CAL DINT KNOW ABOUT IT. AND NERLENS NOEL ONLY GOT $4,400. THAT’S LUNCH MONEY FOR A N.B.A. STAR LIKE HIM. AND KEVIN KNOX JUST GOT A SAMWICH AND A YOOHOO DRINK. EVERBODY ELSE LIKE JOHN WALL, BOOGIE, ANTHONY DAVIS, KARL ANTHONY TOWNS, AND JULIUS RANDLE…THEY ALL COME HERE FOR FREE CUZ THEY LOVE THE BIG BLUE.

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HE WENT TO CHURCH TWICE THIS MARNIN TO THANK THE LARD FOR MAKIN LOSERVILLE DIE A PAINFUL DEATH. COACH CAL TODE GOD TO SMITE U OF SMELL FOR BEIN SINNERS AND GOD DONE WHAT COACH CAL SAID. AND SO COACH CAL GONNA GO TO MASS AGAIN TONIGHT TO TELL GOD TO MAKE SURE THAT CRANKY OLD NUN SISTER JEAN GOTTA LOSE ON THURSDEE. IF U UH KAY AND THAT NUN BOTH ADVANCE TO SAIRDEE, COACH CAL DON’T WANT THAT ROTTEN NUN TO PULL RANK AND GIT GOD TO FIX THE GAME FOR HER.

SO CAT FANS…SET BACK, RELAX, AND BE SURE TO MAWK ALL THEM U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE QUEEN, FOULMOUTH, MOUTHBREATHER, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN, SPINELESS, TOOTHLESS, CROSS-EYED, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, GODLESS, BRAINLESS, BEER BREATH CARDINAL CONVICT FANS. TELL ‘EM BLUE GITS IN AND RED IS DEAD. BLUE GITS IN AND RED IS DEAD. BLUE GITS IN AND RED IS DEAD! GO CATS! GO BLUE! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

Beasman: classy Cats move to Sweet 16, Chris Mack heading to Louisville

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THE BEASMAN cats head to sweet 16 radio sketch March 19, 2018
BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN AND RUNS OVER CRANKY OLD NUNS IF WE HAVE TO! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) HEY LAREEEEEE! LARRY MINNER! START GITTIN YOUR CLUNKER GHETTO CARS OFF THE STREETS CUZ WE GONNA HAVE A U UH KAY VICTORY PARADE IN TWO WEEKS CUZ BIG BLUE BOUT TO WIN IT ALL! PAINT YOUR DOG BLUE AND HEAD SOUTH…KENTUCKY IS HEADED TO THE SWEET 16 IN THE BIG DANCE TO BEAT LITTLE BROTHER KANSAS NOBODY STATE. AND THEN COACH CAL GOTTA GO AGAINST HIS CATHLICK HERITAGE AND WHOOP UP ON THAT HOMELY NUN SISTER JEAN AND HER CATHLICK FISHBREATH THUG LOYOLA NOBODIES. THEN U UH KAY IS BACK IN THE FINAL FOUR. AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! IT’S MELTDOWN MADNESS!

THE SO-CALLED TOUGH GUYS IN OUR BRACKET DONE WENT DOWN IN FLAMES! BYE, BYE VIRGINNY! SO LONG, ARIZONER! TENNE-SEE YOU LATER! NO BLISS IN CINCINNAPLISS! UK’s ROAD TO THE FINAL FOUR IS FILLED WITH WILDCAT WANNABE NOBODIES! KANSAS STATE IS A BUNCH OF SWISHY BOYS WHO CAINT HANG WITH THE CATS. THEY HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME BEATIN’ EM U.M.B.C. RETRIEVER MIDGETS. BUT MIDNIGHT STRUCK FOR CINDERELLA. BYE, BYE MIDGETS FROM GHETTO BALTIMORE!

THE COAST IS CLEAR FOR U UH KAY TO WIN IT ALL WITH SHAY, DILLO, KNOX, AND WENYAN FUNYON. AND LISTEN AT THE THIS: U UH KAY WON TITLES BUZACTLY 20 YEARS APART. 19&58, 19&78, 19&98, AND RIGHT NOW 2018 IS TWUNNY YEARS LATER! IT’S HAPPENIN, LARRY! NOTICE HOW I SKIPPED OVER SLICK RICK’S CHAMPERCHIP IN 96? EVEN CAT FANS WANNA TAKE DOWN THAT SKEEZY BANNER! CATS IS CLEAN CUT, NOT NO RESTRUNT SEX SCUMBAGS LIKE U OF SMELL! BIG BLUE NATION IS SPENDIN’ ALL WEEK IN CATLANTA, WHERE ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! (laffs)

AND ALL YOU CARDINAL THUGS CAN DO IS SET BACK AND PRETEND LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT THE N.I.T. (laffs) WAY TO GO U OF SMELL! IN THE TOURNEYMINT OF LOSERS, Y’ALL ADVANCED TO BE EVEN BIGGER LOSERS WHEN A S.E.C. TEAM JACKS YOUR JAW! (laffs) AND IF Y’ALL CHEAT AND WIN THAT ONE, Y’ALL CAN TAKE YOUR CARDINAL SLEAZY STRIPPER POLE UP TO NEW YARK CITY FOR SLEAZY HUMILERATION! (laffs) HOW DID U UH KAY DO SO GOOD WHEN ALL OF US SAID THEY SUCKED A MONTH AGO? COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HE PRAYED TO GOD AND SAID “GOD? PLEASE SMITE THE HATEFUL NC2A FOR GIVIN THE CATS A KILLER BRACKET. THE NC2A IS ALWAYS OUT TO GIT U UH KAY.” AND GOD LISTENED CUZ HE SMITED ALL THE GOOD TEAMS BEFORE U UH KAY HAD TO PLAY ‘EM! (laffs)

NOW I’M WORRIED GOD IS GONNA LET THAT OLD NUN WIN SO I HOPE COACH CAL IS PUTTIN EXTRA BRIBE MONEY IN THE CATHLICK COLLECTION PLATE. SISTER JEAN LOOKS LIKE SISTER MEAN TO ME! SHE’S PROBLEE RAPPIN A RULER ON SOME 8-YEAR-OLD’S FINGERS RIGHT NOW. COME ON, GOD! DON’T FIX NO GAMES FOR THAT OLD LADY NUN AND HER LOYOLA CHICAGO GANGSTER THUGS. YOU CAINT LET THEM CRIMINALS WIN. CHICAGO IS A CITY FOR LOSERS LIKE THE BEARS, THE WHITE SOX, AND AL CAPONE. KENTUCKY IS GOD’S COUNTRY WITH FAST HARSES, PURDY LADIES, AND THE BEST ONE-AND-DONE BASKETBAW FACTORY IN AMERICA. HEY LARRY, WAS YOU AND SLICK RICK WATCHIN THE GAMES UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? I BETCHA YOU WAS PUTTIN SHOE POLISH ON HIS BALD SPOT AND TELLIN SLICK THAT HE WOULDA TOOK U OF SMELL ALL THE WAY.

DID YOU SEE XAVIER LOSE? THAT’S YOUR NEW COACH! HE’S A PROVEN LOSER, TOO. PERFECT FOR U OF SMELL! YOU BETTER BUY LOTS MORE SHOE POLISH LARRY CUZ THAT GUY CHRIS MACK IS BALDER THAN YOU! U OF SMELL SUPPOSE-UBLY ALREADY SIGNED THAT CHRIS MACK GUY TO REPLACE BOY PADGETT. COACH CAL CAINT WAIT TO MAKE HIM HIS NEXT LOSERVILLE BEE-OTCH. NOW LARRY, I DON’T WANNA KEEP YOU ON THE PHONE TOO LONG. I WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO MISS A N.I.T. GAME OR ANOTHER F.B.I. PRESS CONFRENCE WHERE Y’ALL IS GITTING IN MORE TROUBLE. (laffs) IF YOU NEED ME, I’LL BE WITH BIG BLUE NATION HAVING MARCH MADNESS PARTIES AND CRUSHIN FOOLS WHO THINK THEY CAN RUN WITH US. TO ALL YOU U OF SMELLERS OUT THERE…ENJOY THE N.I.T. NEXT YEAR CHRIS MACK AIN’T GOT NO RECRUITS SO EVEN THE N.I.T. GONNA REPLACE YOU WITH THAT TEAM OF LUCKY BALTIMORE MIDGETS. AT LEAST THEY DON’T COMMIT FELONIES! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN!

The N.I.T. is basketball’s walk of shame, and UK fans are loving it for Louisville

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THE BEASMAN NIT cheers
HEY LAAAAAARRRRREEEEEEE! LARRY MINNER! I BET YOU AND ALL YOUR BRAINLESS, GUTLESS, LOSERVILLE LOSER FRIENDS IS BUCITED ABOUT TONIGHT CUZ Y’ALL IS TAKIN YOUR TALENTS TO THE N.I.T.! DOES EXPN PLAY THAT SONG – (sing) WE’RE COMIN’ TO YOUR CIT-TEEE! BRING MEDIOCRE BASKETBAW TO YOUR CIT-TEE!” (laffs) RUMOR HAS IT THAT THE N.I.T., THE TOURNAMENT OF SHAME, MAKES ALL THE TEAMS PLAY DOWN IN THE BASEMENT OF THE ARENER. IS THAT TRUE? (laffs) SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES WHO CHEAT. THEY GOT TO HIDEAWAY FROM DECENT SOCIETY AND PLAY THEIR NOBODY-WANTS-YOU GAMES OUTTA SIGHT, OUTTA MIND.

WHERE YOU GONNA BE SETTIN, LARRY? I WANNA SET RIGHT NEXT TO YOU AND CHEER FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER LOSERVILLE BUDDIES IN THE BIGTIME N.I.T. (laffs) I PULT A UGLY RED SWEATSHIRT OUTTA THE DUMPSTER AND IT LOOKS LIKE I’M ONE OF Y’ALL CUZ IT GOT BULLET HOLES, BLOOD, AND WHISKEY SPILT ALL OVER IT. (laffs)

SERIOUS BIDNIZ, LARRY! ME AND LOTS OF OTHER KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS BOUGHT US SOME OF THEM CHEAP N.I.T. TICKETS SO WE CAN MAWK Y’ALL CARDINAL BIRDS FOR BEIN LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES! I MEAN, COME ON, EVEN YOUR PLAYERS VOTED AGAINST PLAYIN IN THE N.I.T. BUT BOY PADGETT AND VINCE THE TYRANT MADE ‘EM DO IT. THEY SAID: U OF SMELL AIN’T BEEN SHAMED ENOUGH – LET’S WIN US A N.I.T. BANNER SO SOMEDAY THEY CAN FORCE US TO TAKE IT DOWN, TOO!

THIS IS GONNA BE FUN WATCHIN LOSERVILLE JUST ROLL OVER AND LET NARTHERN KENTUCKY JACK THEIR JAWS! (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA BE CHEERIN REAL HARD FOR NARTHERN KENTUCKY…I MEAN…THEY GOT KENTUCKY IN THEIR NAME SO THEY GOTTA BE SUPERIOR TO YOUR FLAKY LITTLE STRIPPER POLE FANBOY U OF SMELLERS! (laffs) COME ON, LARRY…LIGHTEN UP! YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIT USED TO THE N.I.T. CUZ THAT’S WHERE Y’ALL GONNA BE FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS WHILE YOU PICK YOURSELF UP OUTTA CHEATER JAIL. LET ME HELP Y’ALL CARDINAL FANS LEARN YOU SOME CHEERS! READY! “N.I.T. N.I.T. – WHERE CHEATERS GO FOR ETERNITY! N.I.T. N.I.T. – WHERE U OF SMELL WILL ALWAYS BE!” (laffs) “WHY ARE CAT FANS FILLED WITH GLEE? CUZ LOSERVILLE’S IN THE N.I.T.!” (laffs) IT’S GONNA BE A BIG NIGHT IN LOSERVILLE WITH ALL THIS N.I.T. PARTYIN. BARS ARE SELLIN ONLY THE CRUMMY BEERS. RESTRUNTS IS SERVING OLD, NASTY FOOD THAT NOBODY WANTS. AND THE ARENER JUMBOTRONS WILL BE SHOWIN HIGHLIGHTS OF THE BIG DANCE CUZ NOBODY WANTS TO WATCH THE BORING N.I.T. BALLGAME PLAYIN DOWN ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF ‘EM. (laffs)

COME ON, LARRY! CHEER UP! IF YOUR UNHAPPY CARDINAL PLAYERS SOMEHOW SLOUCH THEIR WAY TO A VICTREE TONIGHT, THEN Y’ALL GIT TO MEET TENNERSEE STATE, AND THEY GONNA CRUSH Y’ALL LIKE A BUG! BUT BECAUSE YOU’S IN THE N.I.T. YOU HAVE TO LET YOUR GIRLS BASKETBAW TEAM GIT PRIORITY SO Y’ALL DON’T EVEN KNOW WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THE ARENER! (laffs)

WOW! THEM LOSERVILLE CARDINAL STRIPPER POLE BOYS IS BIGTIME! I MEAN, FOR BEIN SECOND CLASS CITIZENS! GIT FIRED UP, PEOPLE! IT’S N.I.T. NIGHT IN LOSERVILLE, ALWAYS THE SECOND BEST KIND OF NIGHT TO HAVE! N.I.T. N.I.T. – THAT’S WHERE ALL THE LOSERS BE! (laffs) N.I.T. STANDS FOR “NOT INVITED TOURNAMENT.” LARRY, Y’ALL IS LIKE THE LAST KID ON THE PLAYGROUND NOBODY PICKS TO PLAY DODGEBALL. TOO BAD, SO SAD.

WHY DON’T Y’ALL CHANGE THAT BILLBOARD ON I-64 TO SAY: “U OF SMELL – THE N.I.T. IS MILES AHEAD!” JUST THINK, IF LOSERVILLE SOMEHOW WINS THE N.I.T., THAT WILL MAKE Y’ALL THE #69 BEST TEAM IN AMERICA, WHICH SEEMS SOMEHOW SCANDALOUSLY CORRECT. (laffs) OH, THE JOKES RIGHT THEMSELVES, LITTLE BUDDY. HEY LARRY, WHAT IS LOSERVILLE GONNA DO NEXT TO BE SECOND BEST? START SELLING PLASTIC BASEBALL BATS? TELL THE CHEFS TO SELL COLD BROWNS? MAKE THE KENTUCKY DERBY ONLY FOR SHETLAND PONIES? (laffs) COME ON, LARRY. YOU GOT TO LAUGH AT THESE FUNNY COMEDY JOKES CUZ AT THIS POINT THAT’S ALL Y’ALL LOSERVILLE LOSERS GOT LEFT. I’M ACTUALLY CHEERING FOR LOSERVILLE TO WIN A BUNCH OF N.I.T. GAMES SO YOUR BASKETBAW WALK OF SHAME STRETCHES OUT FOR ALL US CAT FANS TO ENJOY. AWWWWW C-A-R-D-S N.I.T. N.I.T. N.I.T. LITTLE BROTHER CHAMPS-TO-BE!

The Beasman: Virginny brings misery on Main Street to Suckville

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THE BEASMAN va shocks Louisville – radio sketch Friday, March 2, 2018

(laffs) I’M STILL LAUGHIN ABOUT THE VIRGINNY GUY HITTING THE THREE AT THE BUZZER TO BEAT LOSERVILLE. OH LARRY. (laffs) YOU GOT TO ADMIT THAT WAS A BIGGER LONGSHOT THAN KIM JONG UN SHOOTIN A NUKE-U-LAR MISSILE AND HITTIN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY RIGHT ON THE HEAD. (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS KINDA HOPIN Y’ALL WOULD BEAT VIRGINNY SO WE COULD SAY WE BEAT Y’ALL BY 30 AND Y’ALL BEAT #1 SO THAT MEANS KENTUCKY IS THE BEST. (laffs) BUT THAT’S OK…IT WAS STILL FUN WATCHIN ALL THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS CRY THEIR CROCKER-DOW TEARS THINKIN THEY WAS ABOUT TO BE SOMEBODY. BUT YOU AIN’T.

WHEN YOU WOKE UP TODAY YOU CARDINAL CONVICTS HAD TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE WHAT YOU SEE EVER DAY: A LOSER. Y’ALL HAD VIRGINNY RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT ‘EM BUT YOUR DUMB BUNNY PLAYERS FOULT A GUY BEHIND THE THREE POINT LINE. THEN YOUR GUY DING DONG DELL DID THE HARLEM SHUFFLE A-DANCIN BEHIND THE END LINE SO THEM VIRGINNY PEOPLE GOT THE BAW WITH LESS THAN A SECOND ON THE CLOCK AND DOWN TWO POINTS. BUT RUM DUMMY LOSERVILLE JUST STANDS THERE AND LETS THE VIRGINNY GUY THROW UP A PRAYER AND HE BANKS IT IN FOR THE WIN. (laffs) US KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS LAUGHED AND PLAYED OUR BANJOES ALL NIGHT LONG.

THAT WAS AWESOME! LOSERVILLE FELT REAL GOOD ABOUT THEIRSELFS FOR MOST OF THAT GAME AND THEN VIRGINNY RIPPED THAT SCAB OFF THEIR TATTOOED NECKS AND GIVE ‘EM A JOLT OF PAIN THEY AIN’T NEVER GONNA FORGIT. SAY IT WITH ME, LARRY! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! YOU CARDINAL CRIMINALS HAVE HAD A REAL GOOD YEAR. THEY FIRED SLICK RICK AND REPLACED HIM WITH BOY PADGETT WHO CAINT CATCH A BREAK. THEN Y’ALL HAD TO TAKE DOWN THAT FRAUD BANNER AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER WITH MOHAMMER ALI’S OLYMPIC MEDAL. AND SO NOW YOU IS ON THE BUBBLE BUT IF YOU BEAT #1 VIRGINNY THEN YOU IS GONNA MAKE MARCH MADNESS. BUT….WHOOPS! THE WAHOOS DONE PULT THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER YOU WITH A BRILLIANT FINISH AND NOW U OF SMELL CAN PACK THEIR GUILTY BAGS UP FOR A QUICK VISIT TO THE N.I.T.! I LOVE IT! I GUESS YOU AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK WAS WATCHIN UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. WAS YOU RUBBIN SHOE POLISH ON HIS BALD SPOT AND TELLIN HIM HOW GREAT HE IS, LARRY? I BETCHA SLICK RICK LOVED IT THAT BOY PADGETT COULDN’T BEAT NO BIGTIME TEAMS THIS YEAR CUZ THAT MEANS THE FANS WILL CALL FOR SLICK RICK TO COME BACK.

BUT THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN CUZ THEM TWO PUMP CHUMPS GRISSOM AND POSTEL SAYS THEY IS PRESSURE WARSHIN ALL THE SCUM OUT OF U OF SMELL AND THEY DON’T WANT NO SLICK RICK OR TOMMY TURTLENECK COMIN BACK. IT’S OVER FOR Y’ALL CRIMINAL CARDINAL BIRDS.

via WDRB.com

JUST STAY IN N.C.2.A. PRISON AND WATCH YOUR KENTUCKY WILDCATS LIGHT IT UP FOR MARCH MADNESS. FLORIDER IS GOIN DOWN TO THE CATS, THEN WE GONNA WIN THE S.E.C., AND THEN WE GONNA BOWL OVER ANYBODY THAT GITS IN OUR WAY IN THE MARCH MADNESS.

LARRY, Y’ALL BE SURE TO PAY YOUR CABLE BILL AT THE LOCAL WHOREHOUSE SO YOUR CARDINAL PLAYERS DON’T MISS NONE OF U UH KAY’S EXCITING MARCH MADNESS VICTREES! AND AFTER WE WIN A NEW BANNER, WE’LL ASK THE N.C.2.A. TO GIVE US A EXTRA ONE SO WE CAN HANG THAT BEAUTIFUL BLUE BANNER UP IN THE YUM YUM RAFTERS WHERE Y’ALL SEEM TO HAVE A VACANCY!

(laffs) POOR LARRY. HE WAS JUMPIN UP AND DOWN THINKIN HIS CARDINAL HAS BEENS WAS GONNA FINALLY HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS BUT…PSYCH! THAT VIRGINNY GUY HITS A BOMB AND SUDDENLY CARDINAL TOWN TURNS BACK INTO SUCKVILLE. I HOPE SOMEBODY PUTS UP BILLBOARD TELLIN YOU TO GIT OUTTA TOWN AND LET MATT JONES HAVE YOUR SHOW, YOU TWO BIT, CROSS EYED, SAGGY PANTS RAP MUSIC, WELFARE STAMP FRAUD! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!

Cats losing streak ends so now UK fans are free to resume taunting others

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THE BEASMAN cats now righteous
WELL CARDINAL BOY, THE WORLD DONE GOT BACK ON ITS AXLE. Y’ALL SUCK AGAIN AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DOMMERATED ALABAMMER. SO THE STREAK IS DEAD AND GONE AND US CAT FANS IS BACK TO TAUNTIN LOSERS LIKE YOU. PLUS, COACH CAL DON’T GOTTA MOVE INTO BILLY CLYDE’S BASEMENT AND THE REST OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW TEAMS IS A-SHAKIN IN THEIR BOOTS KNOWIN THAT THE CATS IS GITTIN READY TO CRUSH EVER FOOL IN THEIR WAY OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS.

MEANTIME, U OF SMELL GOT CRUSHED LIKE A BUG BY NARTH CARAMALINER, A SCHOOL THAT’S SMART ENOUGH TO INTIMERDATE THE NC2A FROM GIVIN EM NO PENALTIES. THEM TURD HEELS SLAPPED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS LIKE THEY WAS RAG DOLLS IN A HURRICANE. LARRY, Y’ALL TWO BIT, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TOOTH, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE QUEEN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN LOSERVILLE THUGS AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT TROUBLE AHEAD NOW.

THE NC2A IS BRINGIN THE HAMMER DOWN ON YOUR FAKE NEWS BANNER. TOMMY TURTLENECK AIN’T GONNA WIN NO LAWSUIT TO GIT PAID AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK OWES THEM MONEY. SLICK IS A KNOWN CHEATER SO HE OWES ALL YOU STUPID CARDINAL FANS REE-FUNDS ON ALL THEM TICKETS AND POSTERS Y’ALL BOUGHT THINKIN YOU WAS SUPPORTIN A LEGITERMATE TEAM.

SLICK RICK IS THE BERNIE MADOFF OF COLLEGE COACHES. HE WAS RUNNIN A PONZI SCHEME OF LIES, STRIPPERS, AND PAYOFFS TO RECRUITS. OH, AND I HEARED YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK GOT HIS EYEBALL POKED OUT BY A JEALOUS HUSBAND WHO CAUGHT SLICK LOOKIN AT HIS WIFE’S SHART SHARTS. IT WEREN’T A DEE-TACHED RETINA…IT WAS A DEE-TACHED JAW AFTER THAT HUSBAND GOT A-HOLT OF HIM. LARRY, WHY CAINT YOU LOSERVILLE PEOPLE CHEER FOR HONEST COACHES? BOBBY PETRINKO IS A RAT FINK AND YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA GIT RUN OFF NEXT.

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL IS HONEST JOHN. HE DON’T BREAK NO RULES AND SO THAT’S WHY U UH KAY GOES THROUGH SOME DOWN YEARS LIKE THIS ONE. WE DON’T CHEAT LIKE SLICK TRIED TO DO IN LOSERVILLE. AND COACH CAL DON’T LIE TO HIS PLAYERS LIKE SLICK DID. WHAT DID SLICK RICK SAY TO DONNERVAN MITCHELL LAST YEAR? HE SAID, “OH SON. STAY IN SCHOOL. YOU AIN’T READY TO GO TO NO BIGTIME NBA.” WELL…LOOKY AT WHO WON THE NBA SLAM DUNK CONTEST!

Donovan Mitchell wins 2018 NBA all star weekend dunk competition wearing a Darrell Griffith jersey

IT WAS THE SAME GUY THAT SLICK RICK BADGERED TO STAY AT LOSERVILLE. WELL WHO’S THE SMART GUY NOW? DONNERVAN MITCHELL IS THE NBA ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AND SLICK RICK IS WORKING AS A GREETER AT WAL-MART SO HE GOT HEALTH INSURANCE TO PAY OFF HIS POKED-OUT EYEBALL! WAKE UP, LARRY! THESE CATS IS COMIN BACK AND YOU U OF SMELLER’S BOUT TO GIT THE DEATH PENALTY SO YOU CAINT PLAY FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. LARRY, LEXINUN WANTS TO BE A SANCTUARY CITY TO ALL YOU WAYWARD, BROKE DOWN CARDINAL FANS WHO AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT THE UGLY U OF SMELL SHIRT ON YOUR BACK.

Y’ALL U OF SMELL HOBOs NEED TO COME OVER TO LEXINUN AND LET US GIVE YOU A FREE BIG BLUE NATION SHIRT AND LET Y’ALL SPEND A FEW YEARS BEIN OUR JANITORS AND HARSE STALL POOP SCOOPERS. AND IF YOU WORK REAL HARD AND LEARN HOW TO SAY “GO BIG BLUE,” YOUR PATHETIC LIFE OF BEIN A U OF SMELL FRAUD CAN BE OVER AND BEHIND YOU.

YOU CAN THRIVE IN LEXINUN AS A SERVANT TO LIFETIME TRUE BLUE FANS WHO WON’T HATE YOU SO MUCH NO MORE CUZ WE IS GOOD AND CLASSY! AND IF YOU DEE-CIDE TO GO ON BEIN A STUPID U OF SMELL FAN WITH NO FUTURE, GO AHEAD. AFTER DUKE GITS THROUGH WITH YOU, Y’ALL GONNA BE BLOODIED UP TWICE AS BAD AS NARTH CARAMALINER DONE DID TO YOU. GO DUKE! GO DUKIES! BEAT THEM ROTTEN CARDINAL BIRDS! CAT FANS LOVE DUKE THIS WEEK AND THIS WEEK ONLY! AWWWWWW D-U-K-E DUKE! DUKE! DUKE!

UofL severs ties with final two shoe scandal connections

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The University of Louisville threw a little more water onto its dumpster fire of scandals by releasing student-athlete Brian Bowen and assistant basketball coach Kenny Johnson today.

Kenny Johnson is no longer with the University of Louisville basketball team.

Bowen’s scholarship to attend UofL remains valid but he was told he will never play basketball for the Cardinals after the FBI revealed secret meetings about shoe company money being funneled to his family.

Johnson was terminated likely as another illustration by the school to the NCAA that it was cleaning house of the entire Rick Pitino leadership team, save for new acting head basketball coach David Padgett and a few support staffers.

David Padgett, Kenny Klein, Vince Tyra, and CJ sports writer Jeff Greer (photo: Sam Upshaw Jr Courier-Journal)

Rick Pitino tells me he is completely finished with coaching although he told ESPN earlier this week that (when he is proven innocent in the shoe company scandal) if any school approaches him about a coaching position, he will consider returning to the game.

Tom Jurich said on my radio show that several schools have contacted him but he will stay in the shadows for now.

With Jurich, Pitino, most of the assistant coaches, and several administrative departures, it appears that board chair David Grissom has only one immediate target remaining: football coach Bobby Petrino. Many suspect that Grissom – urged by Papa John’s founder John Schnatter – wants to completely clean house without forcing interim president Postel to get his hands dirty. That would also mean that David Padgett, originally part of the Pitino team, will be jettisoned by Grissom’s board next April after completing the current season.

Courier Journal, November 24, 2017

It’s Grissom’s show and Postel’s duty to kiss his ring in order to earn the official title of university president. Postel can claim he has nothing to do with these massive changes but in-house emails say otherwise.

Dr Greg Postel and board chairman David Grissom, October 18, 2017 (photo: Howie Lindsey)

For Pitino to land a 5-star like Brian Bowen, who hadn’t been on the radar screen, took Cards fans by surprise. Then when the FBI dropped its investigative bombshell citing payments to Bowen’s family, the massive meltdown from “scandal fatigue” crushed the UofL program and its fan base.

Rick Pitino on WHAS Radio with Terry Meiners, June 5, 2017

But why kill off Tom Jurich, the man who built UofL’s athletic department into America’s top growing program?

No one can answer that question other than board chair David Grissom, and he’s not talking.

iHeart VP Earl Jones, Tom Jurich, Tony Cruise, and Terry Meiners (November 2, 2017)

There is a paper trail indicating that Grissom and interim president Dr. Greg Postel have been slowly choking out the University of Louisville Athletic Association board, a support system in place for 30+ years. The plan would be for athletics leadership to report directly to the school’s board of trustees (see: Grissom).

And so now all UofL can do is wait for the final determination from the NCAA on the school’s appeal over sanctions from a 2015 dormitory stripper scandal. The shoe company meltdown came in 2017 while the NCAA was mulling over punishment for the earlier Level 1 infractions amounting to “improper benefits” for recruits and student athletes.

Will the NCAA be placated to spare the 2013 National Championship Banner? Odds say it will get the same treatment that Bowen and Johnson received and Petrino is about to receive. History.

Michigan guard Trey Burke (3) walks off the court as confetti falls on Louisville players, including Russ Smith (2), Luke Hancock (11), Stephan Van Treese (44) and Zach Price (25), after the NCAA Final Four tournament college basketball championship game, Monday, April 8, 2013, in Atlanta. Louisville won 82-76. (AP Photo/Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Curtis Compton)

Rick Pitino on being fired from Louisville

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Rick Pitino, ESPN Sportscenter, October 19, 2017

Here’s Rick Pitino’s first interview after being fired this week as head coach of the University of Louisville men’s basketball team.

Pitino lawyer Steve Pence promised a bare knuckle fight if his client were to be fired. So far they’ve sued apparel company adidas for alleged damage to Pitino’s reputation. No legal action has yet been filed against the University of Louisville.

With David Padgett now in charge of the Louisville basketball team, all university employees associated with the program have been ordered by the school to have no contact with Pitino.

Rick has many detractors who are not necessarily Kentucky fans. Yahoo sports columnist Dan Wetzel isn’t buying a thing he watched in Pitino’s interview.

Thanks for that, Danny Downer.

True buddies are still there for Rick. Count me in that camp. Friends are friends. That’s how we roll.

Once Shining Moment: UofL’s rock bottom is at hand

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The University of Louisville athletics department is imploding over the massive FBI sting that rocked much of the college basketball world today.

The best college sports town in America is tone deaf. As UofL awaits an NCAA decision that could wipe out years of glory, two more Cardinal coaches cry out “Hold my beer. We can make it worse with fraud and corruption to enrich agents and financial leeches.”

Federal law enforcement documents reveal references to one, maybe two, University of Louisville assistant coaches negotiating with shoe company Adidas on the landing spot for one or more prized recruits.

A side note: those connected to assistant coach David Padgett say he was shocked to learn of today’s indictments and has zero knowledge of any connection to UofL.

That leaves assistants Jordan Fair and Kenny Johnson in the speculative deep fryer.

There’s no wiggle room at the top for the bosses.

There is a real possibility that Rick Pitino and Tom Jurich will both step aside on Wednesday or by the end of the week. Jurich has been at odds with interim President Greg Postel since his appointment last winter after Dr. Neville Pinto bolted for squeaky clean Cincinnati.

In July, Dr. Postel presented Mr. Jurich with a list of tasks. Point #1 was to fire Rick Pitino over the stripper scandal that led to a program beatdown from the NCAA.

Jurich refused Postel’s directive.

Meeting at Vincenzo’s restaurant just prior to Postel’s announcement that the school had reached a new lease agreement with the KFC Yum Center, Jurich was stiff armed from participating in the negotiation. Postel had tightened his grip on a seemingly autonomous athletics program.

Today’s confirmation of Louisville’s involvement in the FBI sting came from Postel, not the athletics department.

Many of the schools affected today are first timers to the scandal walk of shame. UofL’s prior dumpster fire of misbehavior is turning into a potential nuclear blast.

Rick Pitino’s attorney Steve Pence promises that UofL “won’t fire Pitino without a bare knuckle fight.” Pence predicts that Pitino would prevail in a legal struggle over his reported $44 million buyout.

Email within UofL dated September 22, 2017 noted media inquiries about Pitino’s personal service contracts and annual payments from Adidas. At least one media outlet was asking for records dating back to 2001.

Pitino told me today that his Adidas deals go back to his days at the University of Kentucky and that all of that information is public.

Someone obviously tipped off the media to a simmering investigation involving Adidas and coaches at least five days prior to this morning’s FBI arrests.

Can Rick Pitino survive. It’s hard to imagine but he has fought his way through seemingly hopeless battles before.

An answer to the school’s appeal to salvage its 2013 NCAA Championship and 2012 Final Four appearance is expected any day.

Michigan guard Trey Burke (3) walks off the court as confetti falls on Louisville players, including Russ Smith (2), Luke Hancock (11), Stephan Van Treese (44) and Zach Price (25), after the NCAA Final Four tournament college basketball championship game, Monday, April 8, 2013, in Atlanta. Louisville won 82-76. (AP Photo/Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Curtis Compton)

Tom Jurich has steadfastly stood by Rick Pitino, a Hall of Fame coach whose last several recruiting classes have been his best since his Kentucky days in the 90s.

If Jurich goes, a mass exodus of Cardinals coaches could start sending out resumes. Tonight, two other high value UofL head coaches tell me that they have not been contacted by the Postel people to test their interest in staying on board if they suddenly get a new boss.

That’s the only ray of light I can find at this hour.

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AUDIO FROM JUNE 5, 2017: Rick Pitino on the surprise commitment of Brian Bowen

Rick Pitino halftime hilarity – Who knows what’s next?

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University of Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino and I had a ton of fun with his TV show during his first 12 years in Louisville. The contract eventually went to a different TV station and we lost our weekly silliness.

Here’s a typical show. It originally aired on December 20, 2008. The final segment (at approx 21 minutes in) shows a montage of the goofball halftime interviews we would do for laughs. Once I launched my second question, I had no idea what Pitino would say to break my shoes. ESPN Sportscenter eventually picked it up one night. Pitino saw it and texted: “Our act finally made it to national TV.” Mission accomplished.

Coach P is still one of the best interview subjects in all of media. He gives thoughtful, insightful answers and never forgets to add some humor. That skill set will serve him well whenever he steps away from coaching and goes to TV commentary.

Pitino tells me today that he is ready to go back to work on Monday with that same head of steam he brings every year.