THE BEASMAN six wildcats arrested
I AIN’T HAD A WINK O SLEEP WORRYIN IF ANY MORE KENTUCKY WILDCATS GONNA GIT SENT TO THE POKEY! (cry) I BOUT HADDA STROKE WHEN THEY SAID 6 U UH KAY FOOTBAW PLAYERS POINTED A GUN AT A LOYAL TRUE BLUE KENTUCKY WILDCAT FAN.

I MEAN, IF THEY WAS PISTOL WHIPPIN A LOSERVILLE CARDINAL FAN, I COULD TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. BUT NAW…WE GOT US A BONER-FIED BIG BLUE BOO HOO!

US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS LOVE TAUNTIN OTHER SCHOOLS WHEN THEY’S IN TROUBLE. BUT CATS POINTIN GUNS AT OTHER CATS AIN’T GONNA WIN US THE NOBEL PRIEST PRIZE. (cry) OUR CLASSY CAT PLAYERS DONE BEAT UP SOME FRATERNITY PUNK BUT HE IS A WILDCAT FRATERNITY PUNK SO WE POSED TO LOVE HIM! NOW WE’S IN TRUBBA! (cry) THEY SAY U UH KAY FOOTBAW HOME GAMES NOW GONNA PLAY AT EDDYVILLE! (cry)

DON’T YOU SMIRK, YOU BALD HAIRED U OF SMELL DIRTBAG! YOU SHUT YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL BUTT-KISSIN MOUTH TAWKIN BOUT U UH KAY PLAYERS GITTIN ARRESTED, LARRY MINNER! YOU LOSERVILLE FANS GOT ALL THEM BAIL BONDSMEN ON SPEED DIAL CUZ YOUR CARDINAL CONVICTS IS ALWAYS GITTIN ARRESTED FOR BEIN GANG BANG, GUN TOTIN, MARY-JUH-WANNER SNIFFIN, MAKIN BABIES OUTTA WEDLOCK, DRUG PEDDLIN CRIMINALS! (cry) BIG BLUE NATION TURNT TO BIG BLUE INCARCERATION. (cry) THEY MAWKIN US ON EXPN.

STEPHEN A SMIFF CALLS US GUN-TUCKY! (cry) CHARLES BARKLEY BET $1 MILLION DOLLARS THAT EVERY U UH KAY FORMATION WOULD BE THE SHOTGUN! (cry) THEY’S ALL LAUGHING AT THE CATS, LARRY! (cry) IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN SAY THAT OUR GUN TOTIN FOOTBAW PLAYER WAS PRACTICIN FOR THE NEXT OLYMPICS?

WE HAD TWO KENTUCKY WILDCATS WIN GOLD MEDALS FOR SHOOTIN. CAN WE JUST SAY HE WAS IMMERTATIN TEAM USA? (cry)

AND ALL YOU CROSS-EYED U OF SMELL FANS IS POSTING UPSIDE DOWN PICTURES OF U UH KAY PLAYERS DOIN Ls DOWN CUZ THEN THE PITCHER MAKES IT LOOK LIKE Ls UP! THAT’S FAKE NEWS! THAT’S FALSE ADVERTISIN! AIN’T NO U UH KAY PLAYER SHOWIN Ls UP JUST CUZ Y’ALL TURNT HIS PHOTO UPSIDE DOWN! (cry)

DON’T Y’ALL CARDINALS TAUNT US BIG BLUE NATION CUZ WE IS GOOD AND CLASSY! COACH CAL WOULDN’T UH LET THIS HAPPEN ON HIS WATCH! WHEN U UH KAY BASKETBAW GUYS STOMP ON HOMELESS PEOPLE OR BEAT UP THEIR BABY MAMAS, IT’S ALL FORGIVEN CUZ THEY IS BASKETBAW HEROES!

BUT STOOPS TROOPS DON’T GIT THE SAME BLIND EYE, DADGUMMIT! MARK STOOPS GOT TO GIT THIS PROGRUM UNDER CONTROL! THE WILDCATS GONNA GIT DISSED BY THE S.E.C. THEY’LL DUMP US FOR SOME OTHER BIGTIME PROGRUM LIKE O-HI-ER STATE OR CLEMSON! (cry)

LARRY, IF Y’ALL LOSERVILLE PEOPLE HAD JUST ONE DECENT BONE IN YOUR BODY, YOU’D LET ONE OF YOUR LOSERVILLE FOOTBAW PLAYERS TAKE THE BLAME, SAYIN HE WAS THE ONE WITH THE GUN. OF COURSE THE JUDGE WOULD BLEEVE IT CUZ ALL U OF SMELL PLAYERS IS CRIMM-ER-RULZ. LARRY, IF U OF SMELL WOULD DO US THIS ONE SOLID SO THAT OUR STAR PLAYER DON’T GOT TO LEAVE THE TEAM, WE PROMISE TO ONLY BEAT Y’ALL BY LESS THAN 10 PONTS! IS IT A DEAL?

TALK TO YOUR COACH GOMER PYLE SATTERFIELD AND GIT BACK TO US BEFORE THE WARDEN GOES HOME AT SUNDOWN. AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! JUST WHEN ERRBODY WAS BUCITED TO EAT THEIR BANNANNERS WITH THE PEEL STILL ON…NOW WE GOT TO DEAL WITH GUN CHARGES INSTEAD OF BRAGGIN ON OUR CRAZY GO-RILLA QUARTERBACK! (laffs) GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! AWWW G-U-N-S GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! STOP TURNING THEM Ls DOWN PHOTOS UPSIDE DOWN TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE U UH KAY IS SAYIN Ls UP! THAT’S FAKE NEWS AND WE’LL GIT YOU BANNED FROM THE FACEBOOK AND TWITTER MACHINE, YOU CARDINAL LIARS!

GO BLUE! GO CATS! FREE BAIL FOR THE U UH KAY PARTY CRASHERS! BAIL EM OUT! GO CATS!