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Cats losing streak ends so now UK fans are free to resume taunting others

Posted on February 18, 2018 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

THE BEASMAN cats now righteous
WELL CARDINAL BOY, THE WORLD DONE GOT BACK ON ITS AXLE. Y’ALL SUCK AGAIN AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DOMMERATED ALABAMMER. SO THE STREAK IS DEAD AND GONE AND US CAT FANS IS BACK TO TAUNTIN LOSERS LIKE YOU. PLUS, COACH CAL DON’T GOTTA MOVE INTO BILLY CLYDE’S BASEMENT AND THE REST OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW TEAMS IS A-SHAKIN IN THEIR BOOTS KNOWIN THAT THE CATS IS GITTIN READY TO CRUSH EVER FOOL IN THEIR WAY OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS.

MEANTIME, U OF SMELL GOT CRUSHED LIKE A BUG BY NARTH CARAMALINER, A SCHOOL THAT’S SMART ENOUGH TO INTIMERDATE THE NC2A FROM GIVIN EM NO PENALTIES. THEM TURD HEELS SLAPPED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS LIKE THEY WAS RAG DOLLS IN A HURRICANE. LARRY, Y’ALL TWO BIT, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TOOTH, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE QUEEN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN LOSERVILLE THUGS AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT TROUBLE AHEAD NOW.

THE NC2A IS BRINGIN THE HAMMER DOWN ON YOUR FAKE NEWS BANNER. TOMMY TURTLENECK AIN’T GONNA WIN NO LAWSUIT TO GIT PAID AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK OWES THEM MONEY. SLICK IS A KNOWN CHEATER SO HE OWES ALL YOU STUPID CARDINAL FANS REE-FUNDS ON ALL THEM TICKETS AND POSTERS Y’ALL BOUGHT THINKIN YOU WAS SUPPORTIN A LEGITERMATE TEAM.

SLICK RICK IS THE BERNIE MADOFF OF COLLEGE COACHES. HE WAS RUNNIN A PONZI SCHEME OF LIES, STRIPPERS, AND PAYOFFS TO RECRUITS. OH, AND I HEARED YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK GOT HIS EYEBALL POKED OUT BY A JEALOUS HUSBAND WHO CAUGHT SLICK LOOKIN AT HIS WIFE’S SHART SHARTS. IT WEREN’T A DEE-TACHED RETINA…IT WAS A DEE-TACHED JAW AFTER THAT HUSBAND GOT A-HOLT OF HIM. LARRY, WHY CAINT YOU LOSERVILLE PEOPLE CHEER FOR HONEST COACHES? BOBBY PETRINKO IS A RAT FINK AND YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA GIT RUN OFF NEXT.

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL IS HONEST JOHN. HE DON’T BREAK NO RULES AND SO THAT’S WHY U UH KAY GOES THROUGH SOME DOWN YEARS LIKE THIS ONE. WE DON’T CHEAT LIKE SLICK TRIED TO DO IN LOSERVILLE. AND COACH CAL DON’T LIE TO HIS PLAYERS LIKE SLICK DID. WHAT DID SLICK RICK SAY TO DONNERVAN MITCHELL LAST YEAR? HE SAID, “OH SON. STAY IN SCHOOL. YOU AIN’T READY TO GO TO NO BIGTIME NBA.” WELL…LOOKY AT WHO WON THE NBA SLAM DUNK CONTEST!

Donovan Mitchell wins 2018 NBA all star weekend dunk competition wearing a Darrell Griffith jersey

IT WAS THE SAME GUY THAT SLICK RICK BADGERED TO STAY AT LOSERVILLE. WELL WHO’S THE SMART GUY NOW? DONNERVAN MITCHELL IS THE NBA ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AND SLICK RICK IS WORKING AS A GREETER AT WAL-MART SO HE GOT HEALTH INSURANCE TO PAY OFF HIS POKED-OUT EYEBALL! WAKE UP, LARRY! THESE CATS IS COMIN BACK AND YOU U OF SMELLER’S BOUT TO GIT THE DEATH PENALTY SO YOU CAINT PLAY FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. LARRY, LEXINUN WANTS TO BE A SANCTUARY CITY TO ALL YOU WAYWARD, BROKE DOWN CARDINAL FANS WHO AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT THE UGLY U OF SMELL SHIRT ON YOUR BACK.

Y’ALL U OF SMELL HOBOs NEED TO COME OVER TO LEXINUN AND LET US GIVE YOU A FREE BIG BLUE NATION SHIRT AND LET Y’ALL SPEND A FEW YEARS BEIN OUR JANITORS AND HARSE STALL POOP SCOOPERS. AND IF YOU WORK REAL HARD AND LEARN HOW TO SAY “GO BIG BLUE,” YOUR PATHETIC LIFE OF BEIN A U OF SMELL FRAUD CAN BE OVER AND BEHIND YOU.

YOU CAN THRIVE IN LEXINUN AS A SERVANT TO LIFETIME TRUE BLUE FANS WHO WON’T HATE YOU SO MUCH NO MORE CUZ WE IS GOOD AND CLASSY! AND IF YOU DEE-CIDE TO GO ON BEIN A STUPID U OF SMELL FAN WITH NO FUTURE, GO AHEAD. AFTER DUKE GITS THROUGH WITH YOU, Y’ALL GONNA BE BLOODIED UP TWICE AS BAD AS NARTH CARAMALINER DONE DID TO YOU. GO DUKE! GO DUKIES! BEAT THEM ROTTEN CARDINAL BIRDS! CAT FANS LOVE DUKE THIS WEEK AND THIS WEEK ONLY! AWWWWWW D-U-K-E DUKE! DUKE! DUKE!

During its most tumultuous year ever, the University of Louisville still found joy in Lamar

Posted on November 23, 2017 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

University of Louisville players hoist the Governor’s Cup in Lexington’s Kroger Field, November 25, 2017 (photo: Will Clark, WHAS Radio)

Lamar Jackson was doing more Lamar Jackson things for @UofLFootball today. pic.twitter.com/W1dk4xttT6

— ACC Digital Network (@theACCDN) November 25, 2017

Lamar Jackson kept Louisville from a complete crash-and-burn during its parade of basketball and academic scandals. Thank God for Lamar. His complete domination of UK in the regular season finale was brilliant.

Louisville’s Lamar Jackson dominated Kentucky all day in the 2017 Governor’s Cup rivalry game. (photo: Louisville football)

.@uoflfootball celebrates their win over #Kentucky in the #GovernorsCup game. @KYNewsNet @840WHAS @KYNewsNet @CardsRadio pic.twitter.com/Mb9JocNtwq

— Will Clark (@WClark840WHAS) November 25, 2017

And Lamar’s brilliance shone all season.

The best ever!!! @Lj_era8 @UofLFootball @HeismanTrophy #RingTheBell pic.twitter.com/KBf2jG0W3N

— Bobby Petrino (@CoachPetrinoUL) November 22, 2017

======= My prediction from earlier in the week =======

Saturday marks the end of Lamar’s regular season career at UofL. My prediction is that Lamar has another 400 yard game (throwing and running). Final score: Louisville 45, Kentucky 28

Thank you, Lamar. At least the Heisman Trophy voters got it right last year. They’re ignoring Lamar this year and it only drives him harder.

READ: An NFL writer reviews Lamar’s strengths and weaknesses.

The Beasman laments losing to U of Smell and says UK players are afraid to sleep in dangerous Ville

Posted on June 10, 2017 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

UK and UofL played the opening of a best-of-three series while I was prepping to go on the radio so I had to write a script for either outcome.

Here’s the audio we used following U of L’s 5-2 victory in game one.

THE BEASMAN after UK baseball victory
AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! HOW BOUT THEM KENTUCKY WILDCATS, YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH SORE LOSER CARDINAL CRYBABY TRAITOR TURNCOAT! I TODE YOU THESE HERE WILDCATS WAS GONNA ROCK YOUR UNDERSIZE JOCKS, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, FLAT BILL, ROTGUT WHISKEY BREATH, SINFUL, GUN TOTIN, GRAMPA PUNCHIN CARDINAL THUGS. IT’S OVER FOR YOU PEOPLE, DON’T YOU SEE THAT? ALL THE WALLS IS FALLIN IN ON THE LITTLE CARDINAL BIRDS. THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS THIS STATE’S ONLY GREAT BASEBAW PROGRUM. I USED TO THINK BASEBAW WAS GAY BUT NOW THAT THE BIG BLUE CAN USE IT TO HUMILERATE Y’ALL STINKBREATH CARDINAL FRAUDS, I’M ALL ABOUT BASEBAW. I LAUGHED MYSELF SILLY TODAY WATCHIN ALL THEM UGLY CARDINAL FACES TURN SOUR WATCHING THEIR PRECIOUS CARDINAL FRAUDS GIT PUT IN THEIR PLACE BY THE MOST DOMMERATIN BASEBAW TEAM SINCE BABY RUTH WAS PLAYIN FOR THE NEW YARK GIANTS. THESE HERE WILDCATS AINT GOT NO QUIT IN ‘EM. WE IS THE CATS! WE IS THE BIG BLUE. Y’ALL IS JUST LITTLE BROTHER, WHINY, RUN-TO-MAMA AND CRY YOUR CROCODILE TEARS U OF SMELL FRAUDS. YOUR COACH WEARS THAT STUPID SALAD BOWL ON HIS HEAD INSTEAD OF A REAL BASEBAW HAT LIKE U UH KAY’S NEW EXCITING COACH NINJA. EVERBODY LOVES THE U UH KAY COACH CUZ HE’S FUNNY AND DON’T GIT ALL RATTLED LIKE YOUR U OF SMELL GUY WHO SHOULDA LEFT YEARS AGO TO GO TO A REAL SCHOOL. NOW AINT NOBODY WANTS HIM. AND DON’T SHOOT YOUR MOUTH OFF ABOUT HOW U OF SMELL CAN JUST WIN ON SAIRDEE AND SUNDEE CUZ YOU AND ME BOTH KNOW THAT AINT HAPPENIN. STICK A FARK IN THE DEAD CARDINAL BIRD CUZ HE’S DONE. D-U-N-E DONE! AND THAT AIN’T THE ONLY HAPPY NEWS US CAT FANS GOT!

THE BEASMAN after UK loses to UofL
(snifflin) S-S-S-S-STOP YOUR SMIRKIN, LARRY MINNER. YOU AIN’T POSED TO LAUGH AT NOBODY ELSE’S PAINFUL TIMES. BUT THERE YOU ARE, SLICK RICK’S BOYFRIEND LAUGHIN WHILE US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS HURTIN REAL BAD. THIS ONE STINGS BAD…REAL BAD! THEM KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOULDA BEAT THEM U OF SMELL FRAUDS BUT (cry) SOMEHOW THEM LYIN, CHEATIN, FLATBILL HAT FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS COME OUTTA THERE WITH A VICTREE. I BETCHA THAT HOME PLATE UMPIRE WAS RELATED TO HIGGINS THE REFFERMARIE WE THREATENED TO KILL AFTER NARTH CARAMALINER KNOCKED US OUTTA MARCH MADNESS! AND NOW THIS STUPID GAY BASEBAW THING AINT GONNA BE EASY A-WINNIN THE NEXT TWO FOR U UH KAY CUZ WE GOT TO STAY OVERNIGHT IN YOUR GHETTO TOWN.

AIN’T NONE OF OUR PLAYERS CAN GIT NO REST CUZ THEY IS ALL SLEEPIN ON THE FLOOR UNDER THEIR BEDS AFRAID THEY GONNA GIT SHOT IN THIS VIOLENT TOWN OF THUGS. OUR GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT PLAYERS COULDN’T GIT FOCUSED IN THE GAME TODAY CUZ THEY DINT KNOW WHEN A PACK OF TEENAGE THUGS MIGHT RUN ON THE FIELD AND ROB EM OR SHOOT EM IN THIS WAR ZONE GHETTO TRASH TOWN. THE U UH KAY COACH SAID HE WOULD RATHER PLAY IN SYRIA THAN IN LOSERVILLE. BUT NAW, THE NC2A SAID WE GOT TO GIT IN OUR ARMOR-PLATED TEAM BUS AND RIDE INTO LOSERVILLE AND SPEND THE NIGHT HERE INSTEAD OF GOIN BACK TO LEXINUN WHERE WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT ONE KILLING A DAY INSTEAD OF ONCE PER HOUR IN LOSERVILLE. SO WE IS TOO SKEERED TO FOCUS ON BASEBAW. OUR TEAM TRAINERS BROUGHT TOE TAGS AND BODY BAGS JUST IN CASE. THIS FILTHY AINT FIT FOR RATS TO SURVIVE BUT SOMEHOW YOU DO, YOU SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN, SNAGGLE TOOTH, TRAITOR TURNCOAT FRAUD. GO AHEAD AND HAVE YOU GIGGLES ABOUT BASEBAW CUZ US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GOT LOTS OF OTHER U OF SMELL TROUBLES TO LAUGH ABOUT.

(second half to work either way the baseball game comes out)

EVER KENTUCKY WILDCAT FAN STAYED UP LAST NIGHT READIN THE U OF SMELL AUDIT LIKE IT WAS A VALENTIME FOM COACH CAL. I’D LIKE GIVE A BIG WET KISS TO THE AUDITOR WHO CHURNED OUT THAT 137 PAGE MASTERPIECE. SHOCKER! U OF SMELL LEADERS WAS STEALING ALL THE FOUNDATION MONEY TO TREAT THEIRSELFS! DADGUMMIT! U OF SMELL IS THE BERNIE MADOFF OF COLLEGE INVESTORS! FOR EVER CHARITY DOLLAR THAT COME IN, THE U OF SMELL LEADERS WOULD STEAL TWO! LARRY, YOUR PRECIOUS CARDINAL BIRDS IS BEING RUN BY A BAND OF PIRATES THAT WOULD MAKE THE MAFIA BLUSH. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IS MISSING. THEY WAS BUYIN BUILDINGS AND RENTIN TO THEIR FRIENDS FOR POCKET CHANGE. THEY WAS FUNNELIN MONEY THROUGH FAKE ACCOUNTS TO PAY THEIRSELFS BONUS RETIREMENT MONEY, AND EVEN SELLIN THEIR BASKETBAW AND FOOTBAW TICKETS AND NOT REPORTIN THE INCOME. I HOPE THE I.R.S. SHOWS UP WITH A DOUBLE DECKER PADDY WAGON TO GIT EM ALL! LOCK EM UP! OH, LARRY. AIN’T NO RESPECTACLE COMPANY NEVER EVER EVER GONNA DONATE TO LOSERVILLE AGAIN. OL TOMMY TURTLENECK AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK GONNA HAVE TO HOLD BAKE SALES TO MAKE GAS MONEY FOR YOUR TEAM BUS.

NO MORE PRIVATE JET FLYIN FOR THEM CARDINAL TEAMS. Y’ALL GONNA HAVE TO GO GREYHOUND WHILE THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS WILL KEEP FLYIN IN FIRST CLASS STYLE. THE CATS PLAYERS WILL BE EATIN STEAK DINNERS AND POOR BROKE DOWN U OF SMELL PLAYERS WILL HAVE TO EAT BEEF JERKY AND STALE SODA POP FOR SUPPER. AND YOU STILL GOT THE DEATH PENALTY COMN FROM THE NC2A ANY DAY NOW! TAKE THAT BANNER DOWN, YOU CHEATIN FRAUDS! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! AND JUST TO PILE ON, COACH CAL SIGNED UP TO BE THE COACH OF THAT ALL-STAR TEAM THAT ROMEO LANKFORD IS TRYIN TO MAKE. I BETCHA COACH CAL GONNA SNARE HIM OUT FROM UNDER SLICK RICK’S NOSE JUST LIKE HE DONE MARQUIS TEAGUE, WHO TURNT OUT TO BE A CRUMMY PLAYER. BUT COACH CAL TOOK HIM JUST CUZ SLICK RICK THOUGHT HE HAD HIM IN THE BAG.

I BETCHA IN TWO WEEKS WHEN U OF SMELL GOT THE DEATH PENALTY AND NO MONEY TO BUY FOOD, I BETCHA THAT 5-STAR BRIAN BOWEN GONNA BEG COACH CAL TO BE A WILDCAT! DON’T U OF SMELL GOT TO SELL THAT SINFUL STRIPPER DARM FOR PUNISHMENT? YEP! MAKE THEM U OF SMELL BASKETBAW PLAYERS SLEEP IN THE COUNTY JAIL. THAT’S GONNA BE THEIR PERMANENT HOME SOMEDAY ANYWAY SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL GIT USED TO IT! I LOVE IT! BEIN A CAT FAN MEANS ALWAYS LAUGHIN WHEN U OF SMELL IS FAILIN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

Wednesday is the Turd Day of the week

Posted on February 22, 2017 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

radio script THE BEASMAN go north caramaliner
GO TURD HEELS! GO TURD HEELS! BEAT THAT VILLE! BEAT THAT VILLE! LARRY, LARRY, LARRY! I BET YOU WAS UP LATE LAST NIGHT PULLIN REAL HARD FOR MIZZOU TO UPSET THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS SO I’S JUST RETURNIN THE FLAVOR. GO TURD HEELS! GO TURD HEELS! KENTUCKY BLUE LOVES CARAMALINER BLUE TONIGHT!

Malik Monk works the lane (photo: Herald-Leader)

ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GOT US A LUMPY VICTREE OVER MISS-OOR-UH LASS NIGHT BUT A WIN IS A WIN. WE’LL TAKE IT, DADGUMMIT! COACH CAL GOT A T. DE-ANDREA FOX WAS DOWN ON THE GROUND AND LOOKIN BROKE. BUT BAM AND DOM AND WILL AND MONK AND DRAKE AND THE CATS FIGGERED IT OUT AND BEAT A SCRAPPY BUNCH OF FARM BOYS WHO WAS HOPIN FOR A MIRACLE. THEY WAS LIKE THE LANNA FALCONS BUT WE IS TOM BRADY AND PATRIOTS. YOU JUST KNOW WE GONNA WIN IN THE END, DADGUMMIT! GO BIG BLUE! GO CATS! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

AND SO NOW ALL ACROSS WILDCAT COUNTRY I THINK CAT FANS IS GONNA SKIP WEDNESDAY NIGHT CHURCH SERVICES OR AT LEAST SNEAK OUT EARLY TO GIT HOME AND CHEER FOR NARTH CARAMALINER TO SHUT UP THEM FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS! I LOVE IT! U OF SMELL THINKS THEY GONNA GO IN THE DEAN DOME AND SNATCH A #1 SEED OUT OF CARAMALINER’S MOUTH. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, YOU CARDINAL CONVICTS! THEM NARTH CARAMALINER BOYS AIN’T LOST NONE AT HOME AND THEY AIN’T ABOUT TO START WITH NO CARDINAL TABLE SCRAP NOBODY RECRUITS. CARAMALINER IS BIGTIME LIKE U UH KAY WITH MACDONALD ALL-AMERICANS ALL DOWN THE BENCH.

DeMarcus Cousins (photo: NBC Sports)

SCHOOLS LIKE U UH KAY AND CARAMALINER KEEP THE N.B.A. IN BIDNIZ. THE ONLY WAY A U OF SMELL PLAYER GITS IN A N.B.A. GAME IS IF HE BUYS A TICKET OR HE’S PUSHIN A MOP DURING TIMEOUTS. SLICK RICK COULDN’T GIT A GUY TO THE PROS WITH A ROAD MAP. THAT GORGY JING-JANG ONLY GOT THERE CUZ SOME FERRENER OWNS THE TEAM AND FELT SORRY FOR HIM. THE N.B.A. AIN’T NO PLACE FOR LITTLE BROTHER CARDINAL BIRDS. DID YOU SEE THE N.B.A. ALL-STAR GAME? WHO WAS THE BIG STARS? WILDCATS, THAT’S WHO. AND NOW BIG OL BOOGIE COUSINS AND THE UNIBROW IS TEAMMATES WHO IS GONNA DOMMERATE THE WORLD. LOOK OUT LEE-BRON. THEM PELICANS JUST GOT MEAN. AND TERRENCE JONES IS ON THAT TEAM, TOO.

Isaiah Briscoe (photo: Herald-Leader)

AND THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, ALL THESE KENTUCKY WILDCATS AND SOME OF THEM TURD HEELS GONNA BE N.B.A. STARS, TOO. Y’ALL AIN’T GOT A PRAYER TONIGHT, LARRY. THE DEAN DOME GONNA BE FILT WITH CARAMALINER KIDS HOLLERIN ABOUT STRIPPERS AND SLICK RICK’S BALD SPOT. I’M A-GONNA SET BACK AND LAUGH MYSELF SILLY IN MY EASY CHAIR, WARM AND TOASTY UNDER MY WILDCAT BLANKET AND WATCHIN U OF SMELL GIT RUN OUTTA THE GYM. POP SOME POPCORN AND GIT YOUR BEVERAGE READY, CAT FANS! THIS IS GONNA BE LIKE WATCHIN CRIMINALS THROWED IN A CARAMALINER WOOD CHIPPER.

Stay away from this guy for a few weeks.

I’M GONNA BE LAUGHIN LIKE I DONE WHEN U OF SMELL GOT THEIR NC2A NOTICE OF ALLER-GATIONS. MEMBER? THEY SENT IT WRAPPED UP IN A PAIR OF GLITTERY PANTIES. AW LARRY, YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE. YOU BETTER NOT WATCH YOUR PRECIOUS CARDINAL BIRDS GIT SLAUGHTERED, LARRY. CHANGE THAT CHANYEL OVER TO THE 700 CLUB AND MAYBE PAT ROBERTSON WILL TEACH HOW TO SAVE YOUR SINFUL CARDINAL SOUL. UNLESS YOU REPENT AND ADMIT THAT YOU SINNED BY FOLLOWING SLICK RICK TO SATAN CITY, AND THEN YOU CRAWL BACK TO LEXINUN AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS, THEN MAYBE YOU GOT A TINY CHANCE OF ETERNAL SALVATION.

STICK A FARK IN YOUR CARDINALS, LARRY. YOU AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS ABOUT TO GIT A EARLY EXIT SO Y’ALL CAN GO SPEND ANOTHER SUMMER ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN TAWKIN ABOUT NEXT YEAR. MEANTIME, THE CATS IS GITTIN JUICED UP TO POKE THEM FLARIDER GATORS IN THEIR EYEBAWS AND SHOOT RIGHT UP TO THE #1 SEED WE SO RIGHTFULLY DEE-SERVE! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! DON’T GIMME NONE OF THAT THIRTY-FIVE AND FIVE STUFF. WE WON ‘EM ALL IN OUR MINDS! AIN’T NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! GO CATS! GO BLUE! GO CARAMALINER BLUE TOO!

radio script THE BEASMAN unc heckler irks pitino as cards lose
SLICK RICK PITINO THINKS HE’S THE ROCK. HE HEARS ONE VOICE OUT OF 20 THOUSAND AND TURNS INTO THE INCREDIBLE HULK. CEPT HE AIN’T TOUGH. BUT I SEEN THAT HIS FANCY I-TALIAN SUIT RIPPED UP THERE ON THE SLEEVE. IS SLICK GITTIN HIS SUITS AT COSTCO NOW? WHAT A JOKE. U OF SMELL GITS MANHANDLED AT NARTH CARAMALINER AND SO SLICK RICK GITS ALL ROAD RAGEY, ACTING LIKE HE’S A TOUGH GUY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LOSIN WITH CLASS? OH WAIT, US CAT FANS MEMBER SLICK FLIPPIN THE BIRD IN RUMP ARENER LAST YEAR. THAT’S JUST ANOTHER DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE BLUE AND RED. SLICK RICK BETTER BE GLAD HE GOT ALL THEM SECURITY FLUNKIES AROUND HIM CUZ HE COULDN’T WHOOP BETTY WHITE. ANYBODY UP IN THE STANDS COULD GRAB THAT SKINNY LITTLE U OF SMELL COACH AND SNAP HIM IN HALF LIKE A TREE BRANCH. HE WAS SUCH A WIMP WHEN HE WAS A BOY HIS MAMA WOULD GIVE HIM AIR SPANKINGS.

SLICK RICK IS LIKE ONE OF THEM TINY LITTLE DOGS BARKIN UP ON THE PORCH BUT AS SOON AS A REAL DOG WALKS BY HE SCAMPERS THROUGH HIS LITTLE DOGGIE DOOR AND HIDES UNDER THE BED. IF YOU’RE SO TOUGH, SLICK RICK, TELL YOUR SECURITY GUARDS TO TAKE THE NIGHT OFF AND THEN JUMP INTO THE STANDS LIKE W.W.E. SMACKDOWN. LET’S SEE YOU TUSSLE LIKE RON ARTEST DONE BACK AT INJIANNER. EVEN METTA WORLD PEACE WAS SMART ENOUGH TO BRING A FEW FRIENDS.

photo: News Observer

OH, AND IF YOU COULDN’T TELL, ALL US WILDCAT FANS LOVED SEEING YOUR PRECIOUS U OF SMELLERS LOSE A REAL GAME. ALL THE REST OF YOU’RE A.C.C. SCHEDULE IS A JOKE BUT YOU PLAY ONE REAL GAME AND FOLD LIKE A TENT.

U UH KAY BEAT NARTH CARAMALINER BUT U OF SMELL GITS BUXPOSED AGAIN AS A FRAUD.

Terry Meiners & Rick Pitino with the NCAA national championship trophy, April 26, 2013. Pitino had just delivered on a promise to his team that he would get a tattoo if they won the championship.

LARRY, SHOULD I KEEP MY VOICE DOWN? IS YOU CUDDLIN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW, PUTTING A COLD CLOTH ON HIS HEAD AND TELLIN HIM EVERTHAN’S GONNA BE OK? I CAN CALL BACK LATER IF SLICK RICK IS STILL POUTIN IN THE CARNER AND YOU NEED TO KEEP MASSAGIN HIS SHOULDERS AND TELLIN HIM HE’S THE GREATEST. POOR OL SLICK RICK IS GITTIN CRANKY IN HIS OLD AGE. I BETCHA SLICK RICK LOST HIS MIND CUZ THAT NARTH CARAMALINER FAN CALLED HIM COACH CAL.

Terry & Mary cheer the Louisville Cardinals to victory past the Kentucky Wildcats 32-14 on September 2, 2012

JUST KEEP TELLIN YOUR SECURITY GUARDS TO HODE YOU BACK CUZ YOU DON’T WANNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS IF A REAL FAN GITS A SHOT AT YOU. U OF SMELL IS FLAMIN OUT JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO WHILE U UH KAY JUST WIN, WIN, WINS! I LOVE IT. AND NOW U OF SMELL GOTTA FACE SYRA-MACUSE WHO IS ON A BIGTIME ROLL NOW THAT THEY BEAT DUKE. LARRY…Y’ALL NEED TO STRAP YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK INTO ONE OF THEM HANNIBEL LECTOR FACEMASK AND STRAIGHT JACKET OUTFITS FOR THE REST OF YOUR GAMES SO ALL HE CAN DO IS SET THERE AND NOT FIGHT WITH FANS.

AND BY MUZZLIN HIM YOU CAN LET ONE OF THE ASSISTER COACHES LIKE DAVID PADGETT CALL THE SHOTS. HE CAINT DO NO WORSER THAN SLICK RICK IS DOIN. LARRY, LARRY, LARRY. THESE IS THE BEST OF TIMES WHEN THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GITTIN IT WORKING AND U OF SMELL IS BUSY TWERKIN. Y’ALL LOSIN YOUR GAMES AND THE NC2A IS GONNA BE MARCHIN INTO TOWN ANY DAY TO SNATCH DOWN YOUR PHONEY CHAMPERSHIPS BANNER FOR THE STRIPPERGATE SCANDAL. I LOVE IT!

TELL THE TEAM BUS DRIVER TO START LOOKIN UP DIE-RECTIONS TO THE N.I.T. LITTLE BROTHER U OF SMELL AINT GOIN TO NO BIG DANCE. BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS SLICK RICK WILL HAVE MORE TIME TO TAKE BOXING LESSONS SO SOME MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRL DON’T JACK HIS JAW THE NEXT TIME HE HEARS HER CALL HIM COACH CAL! GO CATS! GO BLUE!

Cards top Cats 73-70 guaranteeing Blue Christmas

Posted on December 22, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

UofL played a terrific game against a talent-heavy Kentucky squad, relieving pressure on what’s been a lopsided rivalry. Big win for Louisville. Great night for Quentin Snider & Deng Adel vs UK’s vaunted guard tandem of Malik Monk and De’Aaron Fox.

Quentin Snyder evades Malik Monk in Cards victory. (photo by Matt Stone, the Courier-Journal)

My radio buddy The Beasman isn’t happy about his Cats, his Coach, or his Christmas.

Malik Monk gets an earful from John Calipari (photo by Lexington Herald Leader)

Along with Heisman Trophy winner Lamar Jackson, Louisville Ballard alum Quentin “Q” Snider both became the toasts of the holiday season on Planet Red.

One little Q down in Louville knew…
this Christmas would not be blue#L1C4 pic.twitter.com/RqR8d6Eqn2

— Terry Meiners (@terrymeiners) December 22, 2016

THE BEASMAN cats lose to cards
(sad with sniffles) MAYBE COACH CAL SHOULDA STOLE YOUR PLAYBOOK, YOU BUNCH OF CROSS-EYED, TWO-BIT, GOD-HATIN LOSERVILLE SCUM. I JUST CAINT BLEEVE IT, LARRY, I JUST CAINT. I HOPE YOU AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS PROUD OF YOURSELFS.…AIN’T NO MERRY CHRISTMAS ACROSS KENTUCKY NOW.

Jaylen Johnson is feeling it

NOBODY GOT NO SLEEP LAST NIGHT. LITTLE WILDCAT CHILDREN IS CRYIN IN THEIR MAMA’S ARMS, THINKIN SANTY CLAUS DONE TURNT ON BIG BLUE NATION. GROWED MEN IS SETTIN BY THEIR POT BELLY STOVES WONDERIN IF COACH CAL IS WARSHED UP. COON DOGS IS HIDIN FROM GITTIN KICKED. WILDCAT WIVES DONE FALLED OUT OF LOVE WITH COACH CAL. U UH KAY FANS IS TAKIN DOWN THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AND JUST HOPIN THAT MARCH MADNESS WILL HURRY UP AND GIT HERE. AIN’T NO HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS TO BE HAD IN KENTUCKY NOW.

Deng Adel had a big night against Kentucky

(get fired up) DADGUMMIT, THAT WILDCAT MALIK MONK WAS POSED TO BE THE NEW MICHAEL JORDAN! WELL HE SUCKED AGAINST U OF SMELL, SHOOTIN LIKE STEVIE WONDER AND LETTIN THAT LITTLE WHITE BOY LEVITCH KEEP HIM IN CHECK. DADGUMMIT, THAT’S LIKE GITTIN GUARDED BY THE JOHNNY UNITAS STATUE. BUT MONK COULDN’T GIT IT DONE. MAYBE THAT WAS A IM-POSTER OUT THERE WEARIN NUMBER 5 CUZ THAT SURE WEREN’T THE GUY WE SEEN AGIN NARTH CARAMALINER! AND DEE-RON FOX WEREN’T NO GOODER.

Sean Jarboe and Terry Meiners celebrate UofL’s victory over UK in suite 71 at the Yum Center, December 21, 2016

FOX COULDN’T GUARD A CLOSET DOOR AND DINT SCORE ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR MONK THE FLUNK. I THUNK YOU SAID DEE-RON FOX WAS LIGHTNIN IN A BOTTLE! HE’S MORE LIKE MOLASSES IN A BOTTLE. THEM U UH KAY GUARDS WAS TURRIBLE AND U OF SMELL’S LITTLE GUY LOOKED ALL-WORLD.

Louisville Ballard product Quentin Snider was on fire against Kentucky

THAT QUINLEN SNIDER MADE BASKETS LIKE HE NEVER DONE BEFORE. COACH CAL SHOULDA HAD BIG OL DEREK WILLIS OUT THERE POPPIN QUINLIN SNIDER UPSIDE THE HEAD BUT NAWWW, CAL JUST LET HIM KEEP ON SHOOTIN. BIG OL BAM WAS POST TO BE THE DOMMERATOR BUT THAT EGYPTIAN FELLER WITH THE TOUPEE HELD HIS OWN. I MEAN BAM GOTTA COUPLE OF DUNKS BUT HE SHOULDA HAD ABOUT A HUNDERD MORE. THE EGYPTIAN FELLER’S HAIR NEVER GOT MESSED UP THE WHOLE TIME SO I GUESS BAM DINT RUFFLE HIM. AND BRISCOE IS A FRAUD. GIT HIM OUTTA THERE. AND THAT WENYAN FUNYON ONION OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS CAINT PLAY A LICK, NEITHER.

Rick Pitino

COACH CAL IS PICKIN UP BAD RECRUITS THESE DAYS. KENTUCKY NEEDS TO GO OUT THERE AND FIND THE NEW COW MACYS AND THE NEW SAM BOWIES INSTEAD OF THESE SISSY PRETENDERS WE GOT RIGHT NOW. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL AM I GONNA DO FOR CHRISTMAS CHURCH SERVICE? MY PREACHER IS GONNA BE TAWKIN ABOUT CHRISTMAS MIRACLES AND I’LL BE CUSSIN BACK THAT GOD DONE SMITED U UH KAY. WE DINT GIT NO MIRACLE. WE GOTTA LUMP OF COAL! NOW I’M THINKIN ABOUT U UH KAY GOIN TO THE N.I.T. INSTEAD OF TARMINTIN U OF SMELL IDIOTS LIKE I USUALLY DO.

UofL radio boys Terry Meiners and Tony Vanetti taunt UK fangirl Kelsey Starks during championship week 2013 when ALL employees were directed to wear red.

DADGUMMIT, US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAINT EVEN COME OUT OF THE HOUSE TIL THE BO GAMES NOW OR ELSE WE GONNA GIT TEASED BY BOOZE-BREATH CARDINAL LOUDMOUTHS CALLIN US OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED! MEANTIME ALL THESE GANG BANG, SNAGGLE TOOTH U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, BACKWARDS CAP, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE QUEEN, OBAMA PHONE, GUN TOTIN, THUG WANNABE LOSERVILLE CARDINAL BIRD FANS IS OUT THERE LAUGHING THEIR HO, HO, HO, HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS, DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF JOLLY. AIN’T NO FA LA LA LA LAAAA’ING IN WILDCAT COUNTRY.

THANKS FOR NOTHIN, COACH CAL. YOU MIGHT AS WELL PAINT YOUR FACE GREEN AND BE THE U UH KAY GRINCH NOW THAT OUR SEASON IS RUINT AND WE CAINT EVEN ENJOY U OF SMELL’S SCANDALS OR STOOPS TROOPS WINNIN THE FOOTBAW GAME. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS WHO WINS THE BASKETBAW GAME AND SO NOW U UH KAY FANS GOT TO DO THE WALK OF SHAME. YOU SUCK, COACH CAL. AND GIT RID OF THAT LOSERVILLE REJECT KENNY PAYNE AS ASSISTANT COACH. HE’S TURNIN YOU INTO A U OF SMELL RUM DUMMY. CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED. AND IF YOU DON’T RUN THE TABLE THE REST OF THE WAY, SO IS YOUR CONTRACT.

Stay away from this guy for a few weeks.

Watch this edited version of the entire game in only 20 minutes. Nice going, Cardinals! #L1C4

The Beasman: God smites Cards for playbook theft, Cats shock the world

Posted on November 27, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

radio scripts for Monday, November 28, 2016

THE BEASMAN #1 it’s over
OH BOO HOO HOOOOO! KEEP CRYIN’ YOUR CARDINAL TEARS…THEY’RE DELICIOUS! (laffs) AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS! KEEP BURNIN THEM COUCHES, CAT FANS! THIS HERE IS BIGGER ‘EN CHRISTMAS! U UH KAY DONE SLAYED THE EVIL CARDINAL DEMONS! STEPHEN JOHNSON FOR HEISMAN! MARK STOOPS FOR S.E.C. COACH OF THE YEAR! U UH KAY WILDCATS FOR THE PLAYOFFS! BOOM WILLIAMS FOR PLAYER OF THE YEAR!

AWWWW BLUE! WHITE! BLUE! WHITE! CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) IT’S FINALLY OVER FOR YOU LOWDOWN, SAGGY PANTS, BACKWARDS CAP, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, GANG BANG, U OF SMELL CARDINAL POSERS.

YOU DONE BEEN EXPOSED BY THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS! AIN’T NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU! AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY! AIN’T NO ARNGE BO! IT ALL WENT UP IN SMOKE WHEN THE GOOD GUYS MADE THE WORLD HONORABLE AGAIN! NO GLORY FOR THE FILTHY CARDINAL BIRD ADULTERY STRIPPER POLE ARROGANT OVERPRICED SCUMBAG SCOUNDREL UNIVERSITY.

Y’ALL IS BACK TO NOBODYLAND. PETRINKO IS A FRAUD. SLICK RICK GOT ANOTHER TEAM FULL OF QUITTERS. THE LOSERVILLE HAS BEENS…Y’ALL IS WILDCAT WANNABES. STOOPS IS THE NEW BEAR BRYANT. COACH CAL’S CATS IS #1 AND GITTIN READY TO CRUSH THE CARDINAL BIRDS AGAIN FOR CHRISTMAS! I LOVVVVVVVE IT!

(laffs) THE GOOD AND CLASSY AND HONORABLE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOIN TO A BIGTIME BO WHILE LOSERVILLE SLID ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BACKGROUND NOISE BO.

BOOGER HAD YOUR NUMBER THE WHOLE TIME. WE LOVE BOOGER! BOOGER SAID U OF SMELL IS A FRAUD AND DON’T BLONG IN NO PLAYOFFS BUT U OF SMELL KEPT CALLIN BOOGER A LIAR. BOOGER NAILED IT! WE LOVE BOOGER! CATS! CATS! CATS! HEY LARRY, IS BOBBY PETRINKO STILL DOIN A STAREDOWN WITH A REPORTER ASKIN WHY LAY-MAR JACKSON STAYS IN THE POCKET TOO LONG? WOW! HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?

BOBBY PETRINKO AND TOMMY TURTLENECK SPEND ALL THEIR TIME HATIN ON REPORTERS INSTEAD OF GITTIN THEIR TEAM READY FOR GAMES. LARRY, TELL BOBBY TO STUDY FILMS OF STOOPS TROOPS AND MAYBE THEN HIS TEAM WILL LEARN HOW TO PLAY REAL FOOTBAW INSTEAD OF JUST LETTIN LAY-MAR RUN AROUND LIKE A CHICKEN WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF. AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY IN LOSERVILLE UNLESS IT’S A STOLEN ONE IN A PAWN SHOP.

YOUR CITY IS FULL OF GUN-TOTIN, GANG BANG, VIOLENT THUGS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AT PEEWEE FOOTBAW GAMES. Y’ALL DON’T BLONG IN NO BIGTIME SPOTLIGHT LIKE U UH KAY. Y’ALL DON’T HAVE THE MANNERS TO ACT HONORABLE AND REPPERSENT THE NC2A LIKE CAT FANS DO! Y’ALL IS LIKE A PRISON EXERCISE YARD FILLED WITH SCARY, VIOLENT PEOPLE. NO GOOD CITY WANTS U OF SMELLERS COMIN TO TEAR UP THEIR TOWN, SPRAYPAINT CUSS WORDS AND THROW LIQUOR BOTTLES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THE NC2A KNOWS WHEN CAT FANS COME TO TOWN THAT WE IS FRIENDLY, GOD-FEARING PEOPLE WHO GONNA SPEND OUR MONEY AND ONLY SHOOT OUR GUNS IN SELF-DEFENSE. WE IS CHURCH-GOIN, AMERICA-LOVIN TRUMP PEOPLE AND THAT’S WHY THE NC2A GONNA GIVE US A BIGTIME BO AND SEND U OF SMELL TO SOME GHETTO TOWN LIKE DEE-TROIT OR NEW JERSEY WHERE THE MESS YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL FANS MAKE WON’T MAKE IT NO UGLIER.

SORRY BOUT YOUR LUCK, CARDINAL BIRDS BUT YOU SHOULDN’T STOLE THAT PLAYBOOK OR GOD WOULDN’T SMITED YOU LIKE ISS. MEANTIME ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS IS PACKIN FOR SOME SUNNY BO GAME IN MIAM-UH OR ARLANDO CUZ AMERICA LIKES CLEAN-CUT, CHURCH GOIN WINNERS LIKE THE CATS!

THANK YOU, GOD! AND COACH CAL SAYS Y’ALL BETTER KEEP YOUR CARDINAL CRYIN TOWELS HANDY CUZ YOU GONNA NEED ‘EM AGAIN IN THREE WEEKS WHEN THE BASKETBAW TEAM CRUSHES YOU LIKE THE FILTHY COCKROACHES YOU IS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, CARDINAL THUGS! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN #2 big blue Christmas
HEY LARREEEE! LARRY MINNER! PLAY THAT RAP SONG Y’ALL CARDINAL FRAUDS LOVE…WEEE READY! WEEEE READY! (laffs) WELL, Y’ALL NEED TO CHANGE THAT SONG TO “WE NOT READY!” (laffs) I LOVE IT! GOOD GUYS WIN! GOOD GUYS WIN! THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOWED Y’ALL OVERRATED FRAUDS WHO OWNS THIS HERE BLUE STATE! Y’ALL IS STILL LITTLE BROTHER AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS AIN’T UNDERRATED NO MORE!

via Lexington Herald Leader

LAY-MAR JACKSON DONE THE HEISMAN TROPHY POSE AND THEN HE FUMBLED THE BALL RIGHT WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE Y’ALL WAS GONNA WIN. KARMA! DON’T BE SHOWIN OFF CUZ PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL! TRUMP IS RIGHT… AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN NOW THAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TAWKIN ABOUT THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS BEIN FOR REAL!

EVER GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT CHRISTMAS TREE IS DECORATED WITH SPORTS PAGES DEE-CLARIN “CATS WIN! CATS WIN! CATS WIN!” EVER BOOMBOX IN KENTUCKY IS PLAYIN’ ELVIS SINGIN’ (sing) “I’LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUUUUE CHRISTMAS!” (laffs) I AIN’T SLEPT A WINK SINCE SAIRDEE, LARRY!

Kevin Harned and Terry Meiners, two guys who know nothing about sports

THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DONE SHATTERED ALL YOUR PATHETIC CARDINAL DREAMS IN ONE FOOTBAW GAME AND US CAT FANS IS EATIN IT UP LIKE CHRISTMAS DINNER! OL BOBBY PETRINKO DONE RODE AWAY ON HIS LITTLE MOTOR SCOOTER TRYIN TO FIGGER OUT WHAT WENT WRONG. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WENT WRONG – YOU RUN INTO A BUZZ SAW NAMED STOOPS TROOPS!

via Pat McDonogh

YOUR ARROGANT CARDINAL BIRDS WAS DOIN THE HEISMAN POSE, TAWKIN ABOUT THE PLAYOFFS OR THE ARNGE BO, BUT NOW U OF SMELL IS LIKE THE ZIKA VIRUS. EVERBODY IS RUNNIN AWAY FROM YOU! AIN’T NO BIGTIME BO FOR YOU YOU CARDINAL HAS BEENS. Y’ALL BE LUCKY TO GIT SENT TO JEFFERSONVILLE TO PLAY AT A HIGH SCHOOL PROM.

AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY FOR LAY-MAR. HE TURNS IT OVER LIKE A SHART ARDER COOK FLIPPIN FLAPJACKS! Y’ALL STINKBREATH, SNAGGLE-TOOTH CARDINAL FANS FOUNT OUT LAY-MAR JACKSON AINT QUALLERFIED TO QUARTERBACK THE TOY BOWL. NOW THE U UH KAY QB IS FOR REALZ AND HE’S THE SECOND STEVIE JOHNSON TO BREAK LOSERVILLE’S HEART. ANOTHER ONE WITH THAT NAME CRUSHED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS 9 YEARS AGO. SO THE UNIVERSITY IS OFFERING FREE TUITION TO ANYBODY WHO IS AT LEAST 6 FEET TALL AND NAMED STEVE JOHNSON.

YOU GIT A FREE RIDE AND ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS SUIT UP TO PLAY LOSERVILLE ONCE A YEAR. TUITION IS FREE AND SOME TUTOR WILL DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK. WE GONNA PUT YOUR GIANT STEVE JOHNSON ON THE JUMBOTRON THE WHOLE GAME TO SKEER THEM U OF SMELLERS INTO FOLDIN LIKE A TENT AGAIN!

via Lexington Herald Leader

I LOVE IT! HEY LARRY, WE STAYED UP BURNIN COUCHES ALL SAIRDEE NIGHT AND SUNDEE NIGHT. TONIGHT WE GONNA GO UP I-64 AND TEAR DOWN THAT BIG SIGN THAT SAYS U OF SMELL IS “MILES AHEAD.” MILES AHEAD IN WHAT? FAILURE?

TELL TOMMY TURTLENECK IF HE EVER WANTS TO WIN AGAIN THAT SIGN SHOULD SAY “LES MILES AHEAD.” IF Y’ALL HIRE HIM INSTEAD OF CRYBABY BOBBY – WHO STEALS PLAYBOOKS AND HOLLERS AT REPORTERS – THEN MAYBE LES MILES GIVE Y’ALL A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY HANG WITH KENTUCKY. AND NEXT COMES BASKETBAW. I LOVE IT!

SLICK RICK’S TABLE SCRAP REE-CRUITS GIVE UP A 22-POINT LEAD TO LOSE TO NOBODY BAYLOR WHILE COACH CAL IS CRUSHIN FOOLS BY FIDDY POINTS! LOSERVILLE IS THE HILLARY CLINTON OF SPARTS. YOU IS OLD, TIRED HAS BEENS THAT EVERBODY HATES CUZ YOU BEEN STEALIN MONEY FROM THEM FOR DECADES. HOW MUCH IS THEM LOSERVILLE TICKETS WORTH NOW! AND YOU CAINT EVEN PAY YOUR RENT IN THE FORECLOSURE YUM YUM DUM DUM ARENER!

COME ON, REPO MAN! YOU TAKE THEIR ARENER AND U UH KAY WILL TAKE THEIR HEISMAN TROPHY AND ARNGE BO AWAY FROM ‘EM! YOU SAGGY PANTS, LOUDMOUTH, ROYAL CROWN DRINKIN, ALCOHOLIC, FOULMOUTH, FOOD STAMP CASHIN, OBAMA PHONE, HANDGUN SHOOTIN CARDINAL CONVICT FANS AIN’T GITTIN NUTHIN FOR CHRISTMAS BUCEPT A HEADACHE WATCHIN U UH KAY WIN. ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

High holy season returns to Kentucky

Posted on October 28, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

The joy quotient in the Commonwealth of Kentucky shoots through the ceiling every November when basketball season begins. It’s a religion in the state.

Other states celebrate Rhodes scholars changing the world. We celebrate sweaty teenagers who can dunk a ball or sprint with a pigskin. That’s just who we are.

Terry and Aidan

Only 2:26 into the game, John Calipari is ejected from his UK team’s battle with South Carolina. UK went on to crush the Gamecocks.

>>>>>>>>>RADIO SCRIPT>>>>>>>>>

THE BEASMAN tipoff luncheon air date 10-28-16
WELL, THERE’S YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK OUT THERE TO THE TIPOFF LUNCHEON TELLING HIS LIES AGAIN.

“OHHH. U OF SMELL FANS IS GONNA BE HAPPY AGAIN CUZ WE GONNA GO OUT THERE AND WIN ANOTHER BANNER.” THAT’S A BUNCH OF HORSE PUCKEY.

Damion Lee and Trey Lewis surrounded by teammates, February 5, 2016

WHAT KIND OF BANNER IS THAT I-TALIAN MAFIA MAN TAWIN BOUT…A MEMORIAL BANNER FOR A FUNERAL? Y’ALL GITTIN THE DEATH PENALTY, LARRY, AND THEY GONNA MAKE YOU TAKE DOWN YOUR BANNER FROM 3 YEARS AGO. JUST CUZ SLICK RICK SAYS Y’ALL DONE BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH DON’T MEAN THAT’S WHAT THE NC2A DEE-CIDES.

James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano

BACK WHEN THEY CAUGHT ME GIVIN HUNDERD DOLLAR HANDSHAKES I GIT OUT OF IT BY GIVING THEM NC2A BOYS THOUSAND DOLLAR HANDSHAKES BUT Y’ALL CAINT GIT AWAY WITH THAT TODAY BECAUSE IT WILL BROADCAST LIVE ON THE FACEBOOK TWITTER MACHINE BY A GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FAN.

Y’ALL JUST NEED TO SHUT UP AND TAKE YOUR MEDICINE CUZ YOU CHEATED WITH DANCIN GIRLS AND KARDASHIAN NUTS & SLUTS, DADGUMMIT! THE NEW BASKETBAW SEASON IS FINALLY HERE!

COACH CAL AND THE FARDY & OH WILDCATS IS GONNA CRUSH EVERYBODY LIKE A BUG WHILE U OF SMELL CAINT CONCERTRATE CUZ Y’ALL BUSY LOOKIN OVER YOUR SHOULDER FOR THE DEATHHHHHH PENALTY! YOU GITTIN THE DEATHHHHHH PENALTY!

I LOVE IT, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, BLING BLING, OBAMA PHONE, NECK TATTOO, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, FOULMOUTH, ROYAL CROWN SWILLIN, LINEBEARD, INBRED, TOOTHLESS, BRAINLESS CARDINAL CONVICTS.

AND YOUR FOOTBAW TEAM SUCKS, TOO. THEY IS SO AFRAID OF PLAYIN U UH KAY THAT THEY RUN OFF TO SIGN A DEAL TO PLAY LITTLE BITTY BROTHER WESTERN KENTUCKY HILLCROPPERS. AND LAY-MAR JACKSON SUCKS, LARRY. HE AIN’T GONNA WIN THE HEISMAN TROPHY NO MORE THAN BETTY WHITE GOTTA CHANCE TO WIN.

THEY TELL ME EVERBODY JUST STEERS CLEAR OF LAY-MAR JACKSON CUZ HE DON’T LIKE TO TAKE SHIRES. HE SMELLS SO BAD CAINT NOBODY WANT TO TACKLE HIM. WELL STOOPS TROOPS GONNA WEAR THEM NASAL STRIPS OVER THEIR NOSTRIL HOLES SO THEY DON’T GIT REE-PELLED BY NO LAY-MAR AND THEY GONNA KNOCK HIM BACK, KNOCK HIM BACK, ALLLLL THE WAY TO HACKENSACK, DADGUMMIT!

Y’ALL GOIN DOWN TO U UH KAY IN A FEW WEEKS, LARRY. STOOPS TROOPS GOT IT FIGGERED OUT NOW. WE GONNA POUND ON MIZZ-OOR-UH TOMORRY AND MEANTIME VIRGINNY GONNA UPSET THE NASTY CARDINAL BIRDS TO MAKE IT THE PERFECT WEEKEND.

THEN COACH CAL SAYS WE GOT TO SMACK AROUND THE CLARION ON SUNDEE NIGHT SO OTHER TEAMS START THINKIN ABOUT FARFITIN’ NOW TO SAVE BIMBARRASSMENT LATER. THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER! LAY-MAR JACKSON GONNA LOSE THE HEISMAN TROPHY WHEN THEY SHOCK THE WORLD AND GIVE IT TO BOOM WILLIAMS!

——————–STOOPS TROOPS GONNA BEAT BOBBY PETRINKO SO HE’LL GIT MAD AND RIDE AWAY ON HIS LITTLE MOTORCYCLE FOR GOOD.

THEN COACH CAL GONNA HUMMILERATE SLICK RICK RIGHT THERE IN THE DEADBEAT FORECLOSURE YUM YUM BUM BUM CENTER. THEN THE NC2A GONNA GIVE Y’ALL THE DEATH PENALTY FOR BRINGIN KARDASHIAN NUTS & SLUTS TO GIT RECRUITS.

AND NOW I HEAR TELL THE N.B.A. IS COMIN TO LOSERVILLE AFTER THE GUMMIT MAKES U OF SMELL STOP STEALIN ALL THE PROFITS FROM THE ARENER! IT’S ALL GONNA HAPPEN TWIXT NOW AND NEW YEAR’S DAY! AND THE BEST PART IS, WE ALREADY KNOW IF THE N.B.A. COMES TO LOSERVILLE, THE TEAM WILL BE FILLED WITH FARMER KENTUCKY WILDCATS BECAUSE U OF SMELL CAINT GIT NO PLAYERS TO THE PROS!

LOSERVILLE WILL FINALLY BE FILT UP WITH GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCAT LEGENDS WHILE U OF SMELL HAS TO GO BACK TO CHARGIN $5 A TICKET TO SEE THEIR GAMES AT BROADBENT ARENER…IF YOU CAN EVEN FILL THAT UP!

AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! DEATH PENALTY FOR U OF SMELL! DEATH PENALTY FOR U OF SMELL! TAKE THAT FRAUD BANNER DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN!

With our neighbors at the Petrino Foundation pregame party

The only thing all Kentuckians can agree upon every November is that we love thoroughbred racing.

Coach Cal and Rick Pitino: crying on the yachts

Posted on June 21, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

With perpetual local interest in basketball, media outlets have found an off season storyline. The head basketball coaches at UK and U of L are in a war of words. Last week, Kentucky’s John Calipari launched a not-very-subtle slam at Louisville’s Rick Pitino, saying that coaches know about scandalous behavior when it happens on campus.

Louisville is stewing in a sex scandal related to prostitutes brought into its basketball dorm. The NCAA is expected to make its final ruling soon.

Calipari’s notorious vacated Final Fours at UMass and Memphis were rooted in off-campus misdeeds by players.

After Calipari’s radio rant last week with Mike Lupica, Pitino returned fire this week on my radio show.

AUDIO:

Pitino also commented on Governor Matt Bevin’s dismissal of U of L‘s board of trustees and president, but the public scarfs up the personal sniping between the rival coaches.

Noting Calipari’s famously borrowed phrase: “There’s no crying on the yacht.” Play on, playas.

My radio character The Beasman was not moved by Pitino’s rebuttal.

THE BEASMAN pitino slams calipari – air date 06/21/16

YOU MAKE ME SICK, LARRY MINNER, WITH ALL YOUR WILDCAT BASHIN ON THE LECTRIC RADIO. YOU AND YOUR SINFUL BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK BUTEENO WAS ON THE RADIO ATTACKING COACH CAL, A GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT COACH WHO GOES TO MASS EVER DAY.

YOU AND SLICK RICK JUST CAINT BUCEPT THE TRUTH THAT COACH CAL WAS TELLING, ABOUT HOW COACHES KNOW IF SCANDALS IS GOIN ON RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSE. SLICK RICK KNOWED THERE WAS TRAMPS DANCIN ON THE STRIPPER POLE. HE JUST IGNORED IT BECAUSE HE WAS TRYIN TO GIT SOME 5-STAR RECRUITS BY GIVING THEM NEKKED DANCERS AND S-E-X. BUT Y’ALL DINT GIT NO GOOD RECRUITS. U OF SMELL CHEATED AND STILL WOUNT UP WITH SCRUB PLAYERS.

Only 2:26 into the game, John Calipari is ejected from his UK team’s battle with South Carolina. UK went on to crush the Gamecocks.

FACE IT, LARRY. SLICK RICK IS A HAS BEEN NOBODY AND THE SAINTED COACH CAL IS THE #1 RECRUITER IN THE WORLD. THAT PROVES THAT GOD IS A WILDCAT FAN. HE SENT US COACH CAL TO CLEAN UP THE SCANDALOUS WAYS OF EDDIE SUTTON, SLICK RICK, AND TUBBY. AND LOOK AT THEM GUYS TODAY. THE LARD SENT ALL THEM OFF TO OBSCURITY IN NOBODYLAND WHILE COACH CAL, WHO GOES TO MASS EVER DAY, GITS ALL THE BEST RECRUITS BECAUSE GOD WANTS HIM TO.

This meme also blazed onto UK fan sites only hours after the story went public

SO YOU AND YOUR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK CAN GIT ON THE RADIO EVER DAY AND WHINE ABOUT COACH CAL TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS BUT IT AINT GONNA CHANGE THE FACT THAT Y’ALL IS LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES. U UH KAY IS ALWAYS GONNA BE YOUR MASTER AND ALL WE DO IS WIN, WIN, WIN! YEAH! AND COACH CAL DON’T GOTTA GIT ON YOUR PUNY RADIO SHOW TO BRAG.

HE’S GOIN NATIONWIDE ON EXPN TOMORRY TO LET AMERICA SEE HOW HE GITS ALL HIS #1 RECRUITS WITH HONOR, NOT NO STRIPPERS AND PROSTERTUTES. THEM EXPN GU-NOUNCERS IS GONNA TELL COACH CAL HOW GREAT HE IS AND BASH U OF SMELL FOR BEIN WILDCAT WANNABES. FACE IT, LARRY, YOU AND SLICK RICK LEFT THE ROMAN EMPIRE OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW AND NOW ALL Y’ALL GOT IS DUSTY OLD TROPHIES AND A SKANKY STRIPPER PO.

YOUR FUTURE IS SO DARK YOU SHOULD RENAME YOUR TEAM MASCOT “MIDNIGHT.” MAMA ALWAYS SAID “AIN’T NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT.” MAMA WAS RIGHT CUZ THAT’S WHEN ALL THE U OF SMELL SCANDALS HAPPEN.

COACH CAL KNOWS EVERTHANG THAT GOES ON HIS BIG BLUE CAMPUS. WILDCAT PLAYERS DON’T NEVER DO NOTHIN WRONG AND IF SOMEBODY REPORTS THAT, THEN THEY IS LIARS WHO IS OUT TO GIT COACH CAL. BUT IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING NASTY ABOUT U OF SMELL, IT’S TOTALLY TRUE. SO JUST KEEP UP WITH YOUR LIES, LIES, LIES, LARRY. MEANTIME COACH CAL JUST GONNA WIN, WIN, WIN! I HOPE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF U OF SMELL IS HUGH HEFNER AND THE BOARD OF TRUSTEES IS THE KARDASHIANS. THATAWAYS Y’ALL CAN JUST BE HONEST ABOUT THE SCUMBAGS Y’ALL IS.

COACH CAL IS PROBLEE AT MASS RIGHT NOW PRAYIN FOR YOUR SINFUL SOULS, CARDINAL FANS. EVERTHANG AT U UH KAY IS GOOD AND CLASSY AND U OF SMELL IS STILL THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND. AND BY THE WAY, DON’T GO MOVING THAT CONFEDERATE STATUE OUT IN FRONT OF U OF SMELL CUZ IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT STRIPPER POLE.

IT’S A PERFECT FIT FOR U OF SMELL’S SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, MAN WEARING EARRINGS, FOOD STAMP CASHIN, GRAMPA PUNCHIN, MUHAMMAD ALI MUSLIM WORSHIPPIN, CRYBABY, SNAGGLE TOOTH, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, GUN TOTIN, BIBLE BURNIN, SATAN LOVIN, CARDINAL NOBODY CHEATERS. MIND YOUR OWN BIDNIZ, SLICK RICK. IT’S SO SKANKY, AIN’T NOBODY CAN COME ON CAMPUS UNLESS THEY’S WEARING A HAZMAT SUIT! GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE! CATS! CATS! CATS! YOU’RE GAY, LARRY!

The Beasman roiled by radio renewal with WHAS

Posted on April 28, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

THE BEASMAN renew with rofl (airs April 28, 2016)

YOU MAKE ME SICK WITH ALL YOUR U OF SMELL RAH-RAH-RAH NONSENSE, YOU BALD HAIRED, TWO BIT, TRAITOR TURNCOAT WENT-TO-U-UH-KAY-BUT-ACT-LIKE-YOU-LOVE THE CARDINAL CRIMINALS. I HEERED THE BAD NEWS. THEM RADIO RATS AT I HEART & WH&S AND THE 790-KRD DONE RENEWED THEIR VOWS WITH THE ENEMA U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS UNTIL THE YEAR TWUNNY TWUNNY TWO. IT’S DISGUSTERCATING, DADGUMMIT.

WHY IN THE SAM HILL DOES KENTUCKY’S #1 RADIO STATION GIANT SIGNAL BLOW TORCH WH&S WANT TO PUMP OUT FIFTY THOUSAND WATTS OF CARDINAL CRIMINAL ACTIVITY WHEN YOU ALL COULD BE ON THERE TAWKIN UP THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS? IT DON’T MAKE NO SENSE, YOU IDIOTS. WHO YOU GONNA PROMOTE NEXT ON THERE, ISIS?

WH&S IS POSED TO BE A KENTUCKY WILDCATS RADIATOR STATION ONLY. ALL THAT BIG PIRE HELPS ALL THE GOOD AND CLASSY U UH KAY FANS HEAR THE WILDCATS GAMES PLAYIN OFF ANYTHING METAL, LIKE CARS UP ON BLOCKS, STOVES SETTIN ON FRONT PORCHES, AND THE METAL PLATES INSIDE GRANDADDY’S HEAD. BUT NAW, Y’ALL DONE MADE ANOTHER DEAL WITH THE RED DEVIL…THE U OF SMELL DEN OF SIN, WHERE SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, STRIPPER POLE, TOOTHLESS, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, OBAMA PHONE, G.E.D. FLUNKIN CARDINAL FANS GIT TO HEAR ALL THEIR LOSERVILLE TAWK SHOWS WHERE THEY LIE ABOUT THE CATS. U OF SMELLERS LIE ABOUT U UH KAY MARCH MADNESS FAILRUES, FOOTBAW FAILURES, AND ACCUSE THE GOOD & CLASSY COACH CAL OF CHEATIN.

DADGUMMIT, SOME SHOVEL HEAD U OF SMELL IDIOT WAS ON A LITTLE WHILE AGO PRAISING THEM INJIANNER HOOSIERS FOR BREAKING KENTUCKY HEARTS IN MARCH MADNESS. HE SAID THAT COACH CAL WAS LIKE TED CRUZ, THINKIN ABOUT BASKETBAW RINGS BUT WE CAINT WIN ‘EM NO MORE. I’D LIKE TO RING YOUR NECK, LOSER. COACH CAL KNOWS IT’S CALLED A RIM. AND ANOTHER U OF SMELL LOUDMOUTH WAS ON WH&S LAUGHING AT HOW COACH CAL CAINT LOSES WITH ALL THEM MACDONALD ALL AMERICANS WHILE LITTLE VILLER-NOVA WINS IT ALL WITH NOBODIES. YOU OBNOXIOUS U OF SMELL TAUNTERS AINT GOOD AND CLASSY LIKE U UH KAY FANS.

LARRY, AS LONG AS Y’ALL WH&S PEOPLE IS TAUNTIN U UH KAY WITH YOUR RENEWED LOVE AFFAIR WITH LOSERVILLE, WHY DON’T Y’ALL GO AHEAD AND START RUNNIN INJIANNER GAMES! AND WESS-CONSIN, TOO! I BETCHA Y’ALL WOULD CARRY ROBERT MORRIS GAMES JUST TO HURT US CAT FANS EVEN MORE. IF I WAS RUNNIN U UH KAY, I WOULD JUST GIT SOME COAL MINER TO PUT A GIANT RADIO TIRE ON TOP OF RUMP ARENER AND PUMP OUT A MILLION WATTS OF NOTHIN BUT U UH KAY TAWK 24/7. WE WOULDN’T NEED NO TRAITOR TURNCOAT WH&S U OF SMELL LOVIN FRAUDS NO MORE.

Ashley Judd, ultimate Cats fan

LET’S JUST START UP W-C-A-T….WILDCATS RADIO, BLASTIN A SIGNAL UP INTO THE WILD BIG BLUE YONDER. I WON’T CAW YOUR STUPID SHOW NO MORE. NAW. I WILL BE THE MARNIN HOST ON W-C-A-T WILDCATS RADIO AND TAWK ABOUT THE CATS BEIN GREAT AND LOSERVILLE GOIN IN THE TARLIT. THEN AT LUNCHTIME MATT JONES COULD TAKE OVER FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. WE WOULD PUMP HAPPY U UH KAY NEWS TO THE EN-TIRE U-NITED STATES AND ALL THE WAY OUT TO MARS SO MATT DAMON OR ANY OTHER ASTRONAUT STUCK UP THERE COULD CHEER FOR THE CATS!

Chuck Smrt, Rick Pitino, Tom Jurich, and James Ramsey (Feb 5, 2016 via WLKY)

IS YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK STILL HIDING OUT UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? I HEAR TELL HE DONE TAWKED TO THE NC2A AND ALL HE DONE WAS SHAKE HIS HEAD NO TO EVER QUESTION LIKE HE’S SLING BLADE. THE NC2A INVESTERGATOR WOULD AST QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO GOT THE MONEY FOR THEM PROSTERTUTES AND SLICK RICK WOULD JUST GRUNT BACK “Y’ALL GOT ANY FRENCH FRIED BU-TATERS?” OH, GO AHEAD AND PLAY DUMB, SLICK. NOW THAT THEY DONE LET NARTH CARAMALINER OFF THE HOOK FOR IMAGINARY CLASSES I’M SURE THEY AIN’T GONNA DO NOTHIN OVER SOME MIDDLE AGE SKANKS DANCIN AROUND NEKKID.

self-proclaimed madam and prostitute Katina Powell, author of the book Breaking Cardinal Rules, claiming that she provided U of L players and recruits with sexual partners over a four year period

DADGUMMIT, THERE WAS ABOUT A HUNDERD THOUSAND NEKKED MIDDLE AGE LOSERVILLE SKANKS DANCIN AT THUNDER OVER LOSERVILLE AND AIN’T NOBODY CARED CUZ Y’ALL AINT GOT NO MORALS. YOU SUCK, WH&S. NEXT TIME I HEAR A U OF SMELL COACH SHOW ON THERE I’M GONNA BE LIKE BEYONCE AND TAKE A BASEBAW BAT TO SMASH MY RADIO. I KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE, BALDY. YOU AIN’T BECKY WITH THE GOOD HAIR. GIT OFF MY PHONE, YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL APOLOGIST. Y’ALL GO AHEAD AND BROADCAST U OF SMELL GAMES. JUST MAKE SURE YOU CRANK IT UP LOUD FOR THE KENTUCKY GAME SO ALL YOUR PINHEAD CARDINAL FANS CAN HEAR COACH CAL BEATIN YOU FOR THE NINTH TIME IN A ROW! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE!

Three times less than perfect

Posted on December 15, 2013 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

Kentucky Wildcats basketball coach John Calipari speaks to the media following UK’s third loss in a season some expected to be flawless. North Carolina beat Kentucky 82-77 in the Wildcats’ first true road game.

Calipari said that UNC “deserved to win” and that his guys “need to get knocked in the teeth” in order to learn.

“Hopefully you’ll see progress,” Calipari wished out loud.

photo: Gerry Broome, Associated Press

Although many fans thought that this magnificent #1 recruiting class would give UK a perfect “40 and oh” season, this loss to North Carolina on the heels of losses to Baylor and Michigan State have dampened spirits across the Commonwealth of Kentucky.

UK hosts archrival Louisville in two weeks. Suddenly, Cats fans are not as confident as they have been since Calipari assembled what many call “the greatest recruiting class ever.”

Meanwhile, the very popular radio sketch of UK fanatic The Beasman sets up like this:

BEASMAN coach cal is a spy For air Monday, Dec. 16, 2013
I CAIN’T HOLD IT IN NO LONGER. I’M SO SICK AN TARD OF MY WILDCATS LOSIN, I’M STARTIN TO THINK COACH CAL IS A DOUBLE NAUGHT SPY SENT HERE BY U OF SMELL TO SABBERTAGE THE GREAT KENTUCKY WILDCATS. DADGUMMIT, LARRY MINNER…DON’T YOU START SMIRKIN. I KNOW YOU AND SLICK RICK IS SMIRKIN RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS A-FLOUNDERIN. I TELL YOU WHAT…I AIN’T EVEN GOT THE STRENGTH TO SMACK TAWK NO MORE. WE WAS GONNA BE FARDY AND OH AND LOOK AT US NOW. WE GONNA BE LUCKY TO BE TWUNNY AND TWUNNY. SOME OF US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS THINK COACH CAL MIGHT BE A SPY JUST LIKE BILLY CLYDE GILLESPER. ADMIT IT, LARRY. YOU AND SLICK RICK PLANTED COACH CAL HERE TO SECRETLY BLOW UP THE GREAT KENTUCKY TRADITION. I KNOW THEY WON IT ALL A FEW YEARS AGO BUT THAT WAS PROBLEE JUST TO THROW US OFF BY GITTIN OUR HOPES UP REAL HIGH THAT EVER SEASON WAS GONNA BE FARDY AND OH WITH U UH KAY DOMMERATIN LIKE THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS, JUST TOYING WITH THE OPPONENTS. BUT RIGHT AFTER THAT ONE FOOL’S GOLD CHAMPERCHIPS TO GIT US ALL TO PAY MORE FOR TICKETS AND SEAT LICENSES…WHAT HAPPENED? WE WENT STRAIGHT TO THE N.I.T. AND GOT BUGGERED BY LITTLE OL BOBBY MO. WE GOT PUNKED AND MOCKED AND RUN OUT OF NOBODYLAND BY LITTLE STINKIN’ BOBBY MO. WE SHOULDA FIRED COACH CAL THAT NIGHT FOR HUMILERATIN ALL THE GOOD CLASSY KENTUCKY FANS WHO HAD TO CRY THERSELFS TO SLEEP AND GIVE THEIR CHILDREN ADDERALL TO GIT THEIR MINDS OFF THE HORROR. BUT NAW, WE DINT FIRE COACH CAL…WE LET HIM START TAWKIN HIS FANCY EAST COAST TAWK AND WE PUT THE FISH HOOKS RIGHT BACK IN OUR WILDCAT MOUTHS. MATT JONES TODE US TO CALM DOWN AND TRUST IN COACH CAL, AND SINCE MATT JONES IS OUR MASTER, WE DONE WHAT WE WAS TODE. AND THEN COACH CAL STARTED ALL HIS BERNIE MADOFF CON MAN TAWKIN ABOUT “HEY Y’ALL, I GOT US ANOTHER BIG BLUE #1 RECRUTING CLASS AND WE’S GONNA GO FARDY AND OH.” AND SO WE HAD TO SET THROUGH WATCHING THEM LOSERVILLE CARDINAL DEMONS GO AND WIN IT ALL AFTER THEIR GUY KEVIN WARE BROKE HIS LEG AND BECAME AMERICA’S SWEETHEART. THAT WAS TOUGH TO SET THROUGH, COACH CAL, BUT ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS JUST KEPT SAYIN “HAVE YOUR FUN, LOSERVILLE, BECAUSE COACH CAL AND MATT JONES SAYS THE BEST TEAM EVER ASSEMBLED IS COMING TO LEXINUN.” AND WE BLEEVED ALL THEIR FAKE BIG BLUE LIES. “HERE COMES THE HARRISON TWINS. JAMES YOUNG. WE GOT BIG OL JULIUS RANDLE. MARCUS LEE. WILLIE CAULEY GOLDIBLOCKS IS BACK. AND JON HOOD IS MISTER KENTUCKY BASKETBAW. AINT NOBODY CAN STAY WITHIN 50 POINTS OF THESE HERE WILDCATS!” LOOK AT US NOW, LARRY MINNER. SICK, TIRED, THROWING UP IN BUCKETS, AND HALF-SKEERED WE’S GONNA LOSE TO OUR ARCH-ENEMAS WITH SLICK RICK DANCIN ALL OVER THE RUMP ARENER FLOOR. THIS HERE IS A CONSPIRACY, AINT IT? DID TOMMY TURTLENECK JURICH SECRETLY PAY OFF COACH CAL TO COME IN HERE AND RUIN KENTUCKY? THAT’S WHAT’S GOIN ON, AIN’T IT? DADGUMMIT, IF COACH CAL LOSES TO SLICK RICK RIGHT HERE ON THE RUMP ARENER FLOOR THEN WE ALL GONNA GO OVER AND THROW HIS FURNITURE ONTO A FLATBED AND LEAD HIM TO THE EDGE OF TOWN AND TELL HIM TO GO BACK TO MEMPHIS AND NEVER, EVER COME BACK HERE. THIS HERE IS SOME KIND OF SECRET PACT AMONG SLICK-HAIRED I-TALIAN CATHLICKS, AINT IT? WE IS DONE AT KENTUCKY HIRING COACHES WITH SLICK HAIR AND FANCY SUITS. DADGUMMIT, MITCH BARNHART, IF YOU AINT IN ON THE CONSPIRACY, GIT ON THE PHONE AND TELL TRAVIS FORD TO COME HOME TO KENTUCKY. IT’S TIME WE GIVE THE BIG BLUE PROGRUM BACK IN THE HANDS OF A KENTUCKIAN. ONCE I LEFT, THAT FERRENER EDDIE SUTTON DROVE U UH KAY IN A DITCH, AND WE BEEN POSSESSED EVER SINCE. COME HOME, TRAVIS FORD. MAKE US THE ARROGANT, CONDESCENDING, IN-YOUR-FACE, SMACK TAWKIN BIG BLUE NATION THAT WE USED TO BE BEFORE COACH CAL TURNS US INTO BOBBY MO’S PERMANENT BEE-OTCH. SAVE US, TRAVIS. SAVVVVVEEEEE USSSSSSSS!

Joe B Hall and Terry Meiners, 2010