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The Beasman got trickerated by JB Holmes’ doppelganger

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THE BEASMAN jb holmes sort of wins British Open
WOOOOOO YEAH! GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE! DADGUMMIT, THAT’S WHAT I WAS SHOUTIN’ REAL LOUD WHEN THAT BEARDED, POTBELLY GOLFER FROM KENTUCKY J.B. HOLMES WON THE BRITISH OPEN! YEAH! GO CATS! KENTUCKY RULES THE WORLD! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! (sigh) BUT THEN MY BUDDY SAYS TO ME, HE SAYS “BEASMAN…THAT AIN’T J.B. HOLMES HOLDIN UP THAT TROPHY…THAT’S SOME DRUNK IRISHMAN NAME OF SHANE LOWRY.” DADGUMMIT, I RUBBED MY EYES TWO OR THREE TIMES AND JUST THROWED THE TV REMOTE AT THE FIREPLACE.



EVERBODY ALL WEEKEND KEPT SAYIN “JB HOLMES IS LEADIN THE BRITISH OPEN! JB GONNA WIN THIS THING! GO CATS! GO J.B.!” SO WHEN I GOT HOME FROM CHURCH I TURNT ON THE GOLF AND SEEN THAT BEARDED GUY WITH A POTBELLY KEEP HITTIN ALL THEM GREAT SHOTS WITHOUT NOBODY TELLIN ME THAT WEREN’T JB! HE HIT A BIG OL SHOT RIGHT IN THE HOLE AND I JUMPED UP AND POPPED A KNOT ON MY HEAD FROM THE CEILIN FAN! DADGUMMIT, THEY LET TWINS PLAY IN THE SAME TOURNEYMINT? I WAS CHEERIN FOR THE WRONG GUY ALL DAY!

THE DRUNK IRISHMAN GOT TO KEEP THAT CLOROX JUG TROPHY AND J.B. HOLMES THE WILDCAT COME IN ALMOST LAST PLACE. HOW IN THE WORLD DID HE SHOOT A HUNDRED ON THE LAST DAY? DID SOME JEALOUS GUY LIKE TIGER WOODS PUT POISON IN J.B.’s WATER BOTTLE? J.B. WAS KILLIN IT ON THURSDEE, FRIDEE, AND SAIRDEE SO I BETCHA SOMEBODY JEALOUS OF U UH KAY DONE SLIP J.B. A MICKEY.

AIN’T NO WAY A KENTUCKY WILDCAT GONNA FOLD LIKE A CHEAP SUIT ON A SUNDEE IN A MAJOR, BUT JB DROPPED 64 PLACES ON SUNDEE! ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS WAS GONNA RUN TO THE AIRPORT TONIGHT TO CHEER J.B. COMIN HOME WITH THAT CLOROX JUG THAT ALL THEM ENGLISH SISSIES THINK IS THE GREATEST TROPHY IN THE WORLD CUZ THEY INVENTED GOLF.

Terry Meiners and JB Holmes at Valhalla, 2013

US WILDCATS GOT NEWS FOR ‘EM…THE ONLY TROPHY THAT REALLY MATTERS IS THE NC2A NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS TROPHY FOR BASKETBAW. SO KEEP YOUR CLOROX JUG, ENGLAND AND IRELAND AND SCOTLAND…AND QUIT CALLIN YOURSELFS THE U.K. KENTUCKY IS THE ONLY TRUE U.K. DADGUMMIT. ALL US BIG BLUE NATION FANS WAS GONNA LAUGH AT THAT SKINNY, UGLY PANTS WEARIN U OF SMELL LOVIN JUSTIN THOMAS FOR SUCKIN SO BAD TIL WE SEEN HE MOVED UP ON SUNDEE WHILE J.B. KEPT TUMBLIN DOWN THE LEADERBOARD.

Terry Meiners and Justin Thomas at Harmony Landing, April 2019

THAT JUSTIN THOMAS AIN’T NO TRUE LOSERVILLE CARDINAL CUZ HE WENT TO ALABAMMER TO GIT AWAY FROM YOUR GHETTO TOWN. I HOPE YOU NEVER WIN ANOTHER TOURNEYMINT, JUSTIN THOMAS, YOU CARDINAL LOVIN, SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO, RAP MUSIC, COUNTRY CLUB BRAT.

J.B. HOLMES IS A COMMON MAN OF THE PEOPLE WHO KEEPS A BIG U UH KAY LOGO ON HIS BAG TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT THE CATS. WHICH, RIGHT NOW, I GUESS THE WORLD THINKS U UH KAY SUCKS IN GOLF. THAT’S OK…THEY CAN TELL BIG 12 SCHOOLS NOT TO DO NO MORE “HORNS DOWN” HAND SIGNS, BUT THAT AIN’T STOPPIN GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS FROM THROWIN Ls DOWN AT YOU TOOTHLESS, BRAINLESS, SPINELESS, ILLIGITIMATE, BOURBON FOR BREAKFAST CARDINALS.

COME FOOTBAW SEASON, STICK A FARK IN YOU AGAIN! I LOVE IT! YOU SUCK, LOSERVILLE! AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

Kentucky can mow down a row of daffodils on the way to the Final Four

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THE BEASMAN march madness (1)

HEY LARREEEEEE…LARRY THE LOSER DONE TODE HIS BALD BUDDY CHRIS MACK TO NOT BOTHER PACKIN NO OVERNIGHT BAG. THE NC2A FOUNT ANOTHER PITINO TO WRECK YOUR PROGRUM. U OF SMELL FIRED HIS DADDY AND SLICK RICK IS SUIN U OF SMELL FOR FARDY MILLION DOLLARS. I BETCHA RICHARD PITINO GONNA HAVE ANDRE MCGEE SETTIN ON HIS BENCH ALONG WITH THREE F.B.I. AGENTS REFEREEING THE GAME. (laffs) Y’ALL AIN’T GOT A PRAYER, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, DUKE COLLAPSIN FOOLS. (laffs)

MEANTIME, AMERICA’S TEAM, THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS GONNA ROLL RIGHT THROUGH THAT WEAK SAUCE BRACKET LIKE THE BULLS IN PIMP-PLANNO. U UH KAY’S BRACKET IS LIKE THAT LOSERVILLE SINKHOLE…ALL THEM OTHER FOOLS DONE GOT SUCKED INTO THE BLACK HOLE CUZ THEY KNOW THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS COMIN TO SMASH THEIR UGLY FACES. I BETCHA $50 THAT MURRAY STATE AND NORTHERN KENTUCKY LAST LONGER IN THE BIG DANCE THAN LOSERVILLE. (laffs) IT’S PARTY TIME, CAT FANS! THE BIG BLUE IS SET UP FOR GREATNESS CUZ AIN’T NOBODY CAN LAY A GLOVE ON US.

NARTH CARAMALINER IS A BUNCH OF FRAUDS. EVEN LOSERVILLE BEAT THEM. THEY SUCK. SO YOU KNOW WE GOIN TO THE FINAL FOUR. AND ZION WILLIAMSTOWN IS SKEERED OF U UH KAY CUZ HE KNOWS THEY GOT LUCKY BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON. U UH KAY WANTS REE-VENGE. AND SEEIN TENNERSEE GIT SPANKED IN THE S.E.C. CHAMPERCHIP WAS HI-LARIOUS! THEY IS A BUNCH OF FRAUDS AND AUBURN PROVED IT.

BUT WHEN U UH KAY LOSES THE S.E.C. TOURNEYMINT CHAMPERCHIP WE ALWAYS SAY THEY’LL USE IT AS MOTOR-VATION AND THAT WE IS GLAD THEY LOST BEFORE MARCH MADNESS CUZ THAT TAKES THE PRESSURE OFF. BUT WHEN TENNERSEE DOES IT, THAT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE FRAUDS WHO GONNA FOLD IN THE NC2A.

THAT’S CAT FAN LOGIC, LARRY! LEARN IT, LIVE IT, LOVE IT! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! I’M GONNA CALL IN TO ALL THE OTHER RADIO SHOWS TO LET ‘EM KNOW U OF SMELL IS LITTLE BROTHER SCUMBAGS AND THAT U UH KAY AIN’T WHININ ABOUT OUR BRACKET FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE COACH CAL GOT HERE. (laffs)

GO BIG BLUE! GO CATS! FINAL FOUR! FINAL FOUR! AND I AIN’T TALKIN ABOUT HOW MANY TEETH YOUR MAMA GOT LEFT! (laffs) AND SHUT UP ABOUT GIRL BASKETBAW. ONLY LOSERS AND SWISHY BOYS ACT LIKE GIRL BASKETBAW MATTERS. REAL BASKETBAW FANS KNOW THAT THE KENTUCKY WILDCAT MEN’S TEAM IS COMIN THROUGH THEM BRACKETS LIKE A TAR-NADO THROUGH A BULLITT COUNTY TRAILER PARK. GIT OUTTA THE WAY TEXAS ALBACORE! HERE COME THE CATS! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! DUKE SUCKS! YOU CAINT SPELL DUKE WITHOUT A U AND K IN THE MIDDLE! GO CATS! FINAL FOUR! FINAL FOUR! FINAL FOUR! C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN march madness (2)

FOR ONCE, COACH CAL AIN’T CRYIN THE BLUES ABOUT TOO MANY TOUGH TEAMS IN OUR PATH. LOOKS TO ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS THAT THEY LINED US UP AGAINST A BUNCH OF NANCY BOYS. TEXAS ALBACORE AND WOFFORD AND WHITNEY HOUSTON. (laffs) NOTHIN BUT SWISHY BOYS IN U UH KAY’S REGIONAL. AND SEVEN S.E.C. TEAMS IS IN THE BIG DANCE, SAME AS THE A.C.C. SO SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE ABOUT THE A.C.C. BEIN THE BEST CONFRENCE, YOU BUNCH OF FLATBILL, LINE BEARD U OF SMELL CARDINAL CONVICT FANS. (laffs)

BUT I GUESS YOU CROOKED TEETH, BOURBON BREATH, SISTER-DATIN U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS FEEL PURDY GOOD ABOUT YOURSELFS NOT GOIN TO THE N.I.T. WHERE YOU BLONG, YOU BUNCH OF DIVISION TWO LITTLE BROTHER, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, STREET THUG, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN, GRAFFITI PAINTIN, G.E.D. FLUNKIN LOSERVILLE CARDINAL NOBODIES. (laffs) Y’ALL GOTTA GO TO IOWA, A STATE THAT AIN’T NEVER SEEN GANG BANG, FACE TATTOO, GOLD CHAIN WEARIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK THUG FANS LIKE LOSERVILLE GOT! (laffs)

GO LITTLE PITINO! BEAT THAT VILLE! PITINO KNOWS HOW TO MANAGE THE LAST 15 SECONDS! (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS PULLIN FOR MINNERSOTA TO SEND THE VILLE HOME ONE-AND-DONE! THAT WILL GIVE THE F.B.I. MORE TIME TO INTERRERGATE YOUR CRIMINAL CARDINAL PLAYERS WHILE THE REST OF US ENJOY WATCHIN U UH KAY WIN TITLE NUMBER NINE! (laffs)

I AIN’T GONNA LIE TO YOU, LARRY. ME AND ALL MY WILDCAT BUDDIES WAS PURDY SICK TO OUR STOMACH TO LOSE THE S.E.C. TOURNEY TO THEM PRISON JUMPSUIT ARGE TENNERSEE NOBODIES…AND THEN THEY GO TO THE CHAMPERCHIPS AND GIT BEATDOWN BY CHEATIN BRUCE PEARL. AIN’T NONE OF IT MAKES NO SENSE, DADGUMMIT.

BUT COACH CAL ALWAYS SAYS “IT BEEZE WHAT IT BEEZE.” US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS GONNA FOLLOW PEE JAY’S ADVICE AND JUST FORGIT ABOUT THE ADMIRAL AND THEM OTHER TENNERSEE FRAUDS AND GIT FOCUSED ON THAT ROW OF CUPCAKES WE UP AGAINST IN THE NC2A. TEXAS ABILENE. THAT’S A BIBLE SCHOOL BUT THEY AIN’T GOT NO PRAYER TO STOP HERRO, HAGANS, PJ, NICK, EJ, AND COACH CAL. TITLE NINE! TITLE NINE! TITLE NINE! AND I AIN’T TAWKIN ABOUT NO STUPID GIRL SPARTS. I’M TALKIN ABOUT U UH KAY GITTIN THE NINTH NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS BANNER THIS YEAR. THE A.C.C. IS A BUNCH OF FRAUD NOBODIES.

photo: Lexington Herald Leader

WE WANT THE TURD HEELS! I BETCHA NARTH CARAMALINER WON’T NEVER GIT TO U UH KAY CUZ THEY IS FOOL’S GOLD. KENTUCKY CAN WHOOP ALL THEM SISSIES IN OUR BRACKET! THEN WE WANT THE VIRGINNY WHITE SPREMACISTS! OR DUKE! THEY ALL SUCK! S.E.C. BASKETBAW IS THE BEST LEAGUE BUT THE TOURNEYMINT IS RUN BY A BUNCH OF DUKE LOVERS WHO TRY TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE THE A.C.C. IS GREAT BUT LOOK AT ALL THE S.E.C. TEAMS IN. L.S.WHO, FLARIDER, TENNERSEE, OLE MISS, MISTERSIPPI STATE, AND AUBURN IS ALL IN THERE WITH THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS SO LET THAT SINK IN.

Chris Mack celebrates with his UofL team after thumping UNC — photo by Louisville athletics

YOU A.C.C. DOORMAT CARDINAL BIRDS WILL BE OUT ON THE FIRST DAY BUT ALL YOU BRAINLESS U OF SMELLERS CAN AT LEAST WAIT FOR THE LADY BASKETBAW BRACKET TO COME OUT TONIGHT WHERE YOU ACTUALLY GOT A CHANCE TO HANG AROUND. I BETCHA THEM MANLY U OF SMELL GIRLS GONNA GIT A #1 SEED. BIG WHOOPTY DO, DADGUMMIT! BALDY MACK AND HIS BAD NEWS BEARS GONNA BE ONE-AND-DONE IN THE BIG DANCE AND SO THEN ALL Y’ALL CARDINAL CRYBABIES CAN ACT LIKE YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT GIRL BASKETBAW AND CHEER REAL LOUD FOR YOUR LADY CARD FRAUDS. I KNOW THEY BEAT UCONN ONE TIME IN 19 TRIES.

Terry Meiners and Asia Durr, WHAS studios, January 30, 2019

WELL GUESS WHAT? PURDY SOON THE COUNT WILL GO TO ONE OUT OF TWUNNY CUZ AIN’T NO WAY THAT I-TALIAN STALLION OF LADY BALL GENO AUREOLA GONNA LOSE TWICE TO THEM CARDINAL BROADS. (laffs) THAT WHOLE LADY CARDINAL TEAM LOOKS LIKE IT OUGHTA BE IN M.M.A. FIGHTIN INSTEAD OF BASKETBAW, BUT GO AHEAD AND ACT LIKE Y’ALL CARE. REAL BASKETBAW FANS KNOW THAT THE KENTUCKY WILDCAT MEN’S TEAM IS COMIN THROUGH THEM BRACKETS LIKE A TAR-NADO THROUGH A BULLITT COUNTY TRAILER PARK. GIT OUTTA THE WAY TEXAS ALBACORE! HERE COME THE CATS! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! DUKE SUCKS! YOU CAINT SPELL DUKE WITHOUT A U AND K IN THE MIDDLE! GO CATS!

UofL hits the skids and The Beasman ain’t too blue about it

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THE BEASMAN cathlick magic
POOR, POOR CARDINAL BIRDS. DONE LOST ‘EM THREE IN A ROW AND AIN’T NO RELIEF IN SIGHT. MARCH SADNESS STARTS TOMORROW IN YOUR GHETTO TOWN WHILE THE REST OF BIG BLUE NATION GITS READY TO WIN ANOTHER CHAMPERCHIPS! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! BUT OL U OF SMELL CAINT EVEN BEAT NOBODY BOSTON BAKED BEAN COLLEGE. (laffs)

TOO BAD, SO SAD! (laffs) YOU KNOW LARRY, I’D LIKE TO SAY ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS FANS IS FEELIN PITY FOR YOU LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES BUT I DON’T WANNA LIE RIGHT HERE ON THE LECTRIC RADIO. (laffs) Y’ALL U OF SMELL FAILURES NEED TO DO LIKE DONALD TRUMP AND JUST WALK AWAY! TRUMP DONE THAT WITH THAT LITTLE KOREA GANGSTER KIM JONG KIM KIM AND THAT’S WHAT BALDY SEWER MOUTH CHRIS MACK GOTTA DO. JUST PULL THE CURTAINS AND DISMANTLE THE U OF SMELL FAILURE BASKETBAW PROGRUM. IT’S OVER, LARRY. (laffs)

EVER SINCE TOMMY TURTLENECK CHASED MY BUDDY DENNY CRUMMY OUTTA THERE AND RE-PLACED HIM WITH THAT SLICK HAIRED I-TALIAN CHEATER NAME OF SLICK RICK, Y’ALL BEEN A LAUGHIN STOCK. (laffs) SLICK GOT Y’ALL A FAKE NEWS CHAMPERCHIP BUT THE NC2A WISED UP AND YANKED DOWN THE FAKE U OF SMELL BANNER SO DENNY CRUMMY IS STILL THE ONLY NATIONAL CHAMPEEN COACH IN YOUR GHETTO TOWN. (laffs) MEANTIME, THE #1 SEED KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GONNA GO DOWN TO TENNERSEE AND POP A KNOT ON THEIR STUPID ROCK TOP FOREHEADS ONE MORE TIME! (laffs)

Keldon Johnson. He is good.

WE GONNA SINK THE ADMIRAL’S BATTLESHIP JUST LIKE WE DONE TWO WEEKS AGO! COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – WE DONE TODE COACH CAL WHEN HE GOES TO MASS THIS WEEK HE NEEDS TO SAY A LOT OF THEM FAKE CATHLICK PRAYERS TO TELL THE CATHLICK FAKE GOD TO MAKE SURE THE NOTRE DAME HUMILERATES U OF SMELL ON SENIOR DAY! (laffs) I LOVE IT! BALDY MACK IS A CATHLICK BUT HE AIN’T GOT NO CATHLICK MAGIC LIKE COACH CAL CUZ BALDY MACK DON’T GO TO MASS EVER DAY.

BALDY MACK JUST GOES IN THEM GHETTO STREETS TO LEARN HIM MORE OF THEM NASTY CUSS WORDS TO YELL ON NATIONAL TV. THAT’S SOME REAL CLASS Y’ALL GOT GOIN ON, LARRY MINNER! COACH CAL GONNA PRAY EXTRA HARD FOR TOUCHDOWN JESUS TO HELP THEM CATHLICK FISH EATIN, BINGO PLAYIN, BEER DRINKIN, GENUFLECTIN, GOIN TO CONFESSION INSTEAD OF TAKIN RESPONSIBILITY FOR SINNIN NOTRE DAME IRISH BAR FIGHTIN WHISKEY BREATH HEATHENS PUT ONE LAST A.C.C. BEATDOWN ON NOBODY U OF SMELL.

THEN FINALLY SOMEBODY GONNA WAKE UP AND SEND THEM PHONEY BALONEY CARDINAL BIRDS TO THE N.I.T. WHERE Y’ALL BLONG EVER YEAR! (laffs) OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED! GOOOOOO BIG BLUE! THE WILDCATS IS RATED A #1 SEED IN THE BIG DANCE WHERE U OF SMELL GONNA GIT LEFT OUT AGAIN.

COME ON, YOU CATHLICK HEATHENS. DRINK LOTS OF THAT HOLY WATER SO YOUR FAKE CATHLICK GOD WILL GIVE Y’ALL NOTRE DAME FISH BREATH BREEDERS THE FIGHTIN IRISH SPIRIT YOU NEED TO STOMP ON THEM FLUNKY CRIMINAL CARDINALS. GO AHEAD AND DRINK YOUR IRISH WHISKEY DURING THE GAME TOO CUZ LOSERVILLE AINT GOT NO MORALS.

Mike, Terry, Lisa, and Lynn Meiners (November 2018)

EVERBODY IN THAT GHETTO TOWN IS HIGH ON LIQUOR OR METH OR SNIFFIN THE MARIJUANA. (laffs) BUNCH OF DOPEHEAD LOSERS! BE CLASSY LIKE THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS, YOU CARDINAL FLUNKIES! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

SADDEST KENTUCKY NIGHT EVER? Cats and Cards toasted at the final buzzer

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THE BEASMAN uk and u of smell torched at the buzzer
(cry) I AIN’T HAD A WINK OF SLEEP, LARRY MINNER. (cry) IT FINE-LEE STOPPED RAININ BUT NOW THE EN-TIRE STATE OF KENTUCKY IS DROWNIN IN OUR OWN TEARS. (cry) WHY? WHY? WHY? (cry) THIS CAINT BE HAPPENIN TO US GOOD AND CLASSY BIG BLUE NATION FANS. (cry) COACH CAL GOT TO GO. HE DONE LOST THAT PRIZE REE-CRUIT TO DADGUM JARJUH ON MONDEE AND THEN THE CATS GIT JOBBED AT THE BUZZER LAST NIGHT CUZ THEM REFFERMARIES AIN’T AFRAID OF COACH CAL NO MORE. (cry)

LARRY…I DON’T WHETHER TO POOTY MY PANTS OR WIND MY WATCH. DADGUMMIT, STICK A FARK IN COACH CAL – US BIG BLUE FAITHFUL IS DONE WITH HIS WEAK SAUCE COACHIN AT THE END OF GAMES! HE SUCKS! WHY DID THE CATS LET THAT CROOKED TEETH L.S.WHO NOBODY GUARD DRIBBLE STRAIGHT TO THE BUCKET WITH 4 SECONDS LEFT? (cry) HOW IN THE WORLD THEM REFFERMARIES DON’T CALL THAT GOALTENDERIZIN’ I DON’T KNOW. (cry)

WE IS THE CATS! AIN’T NO CROCKER-DILE EATIN, STINKY ARMPIT, FRENCH FROG CAJUN BOBBY BOO-SHAY LOOZ-EE-ANNA INBRED L.S.WHO NOBODIES POSED TO BEAT NO U UH KAY IN RUMP ARENER. (cry) BUT OLD MAN COACH CAL – HE GONE SEE-NILE! HE JUST TURNT 60 SO HE’S WARSHED UP – COACH CAL SETTIN THERE LETTIN THE STRIPE SHIRT GUYS GIT AWAY WITH IT. (cry)

DADGUMMIT, ADOLPH RUPP WOULDA GONE OUT THERE AND RIPPED THE REF’S HEAD OFF AND SPIT DOWN HIS NECK HOLE TIL SOMEBODY CALLED IT GOALTENDERIZIN! (cry) OH LARRY. AND I COULDN’T DEE-CIDE IF I WANTED THEM ROTTEN DUKIES TO WIN AT LOSERVILLE OR FOR U OF SMELL TO HUMILFY COACH RAT FACE SHITSHETSKI. Y’ALL DUMB CARDINAL BIRDS HAD ‘EM ON THE ROPES AND THEN COACH SHIT-SHETSKI HOLLERED AT THEM REFFERMARIES AND SO THEY STARTED CALLIN ALL KINDA FOULS ON LOSERVILLE TO HELP DUKE GIT BACK IN IT. (cry)

BUT DADGUMMIT IT DINT MAKE ME HAPPY. I HATE LOSERVILLE BUT I HATE DUKE EVEN MORE SO IT WAS A BAD NIGHT ALL AROUND. LOSERVILLE WAS POSED TO GIT STOMPED BY THE DUKIES BUT INSTEAD THE CARDINAL BIRDS LOOKED LIKE THEY WAS HALFWAY RESPECTACLE AND SO NOW Y’ALL PROBLEE GONNA GIT IN THE BIG DANCE INSTEAD OF THE N.I.T. WHERE YOU BLONG. (cry)

IT AIN’T NO HAPPY TIME IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, LARRY MINNER. OLD BALDY MACK DONE GOT U OF SMELL PLAYIN PURDY GOOD AFTER PITINO LEFT A DUMPSTER FIRE. US CAT FANS DON’T LIKE THAT. (cry)

AND NOW U UH KAY IS LOOKIN WOBBLY WITH #1 TENNERSEE COMIN TO TOWN. (cry) IF THE WILDCATS LOSE TO TENNERSEE IN RUMP ARENER THEN BIG BLUE NATION GONNA LOSE ITS MIND WITH A HOME LOSIN STREAK. COACH CAL GONNA FIND ALL HIS FURNITURE IS PACKED SO WE CAN CHASE HIM OUTTA LEXINUN WITH TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS. I THINK IT’S TIME FOR REX CHAMPMAN AND KINNY SKY WALKER TO BE THE CO-COACHES OF U UH KAY AND SAVE US BEFORE MARCH MADNESS. (cry)

AND NOW I HEAR TELL THE DEMMER-CRAT PARTY DONE TURNT ON MATT JONES SO HE AIN’T GONNA BE ABLE TO BEAT SNITCH MCCONNELL, A BIGTIME LOSERVILLE SUPPORTER. INSTEAD THEY GONNA GIT AMY MCGRATH, THE GIRL COMBAT PILOT TO RUN AGAINST SNITCH. WELL SHE ALREADY LOST A CONGRESS RACE TO ANDY BARR, A GUY WITH THE PERSONALITY OF A STORE MANNEQUIN SO SHE AIN’T GOT A SHOT AT BEATIN SNITCH. THIS HERE IS THE WORST WEEK EVER, LARRY MINNER! AIN’T NOTHIN GOIN U UH KAY’S WAY! (cry)

IF I HAD A TIME MACHINE I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK TO THE HAPPIEST TIME IN U UH KAY HISTREE…THE DAY THE NC2A YANKED DOWN LOSERVILLE’S CHAMPERCHIPS BANNER. BUT LOOK AT US NOW. TWO YEARS LATER AND US G-G-G-G-GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCATS DONE GOT OUR HEARTS YANKED OUT AND STOMPED ON BY THEM CROSS-EYED CAJUNS. (cry)

LOOK OUT, TENNERSEE. IF Y’ALL BEAT US SAIRDEE NIGHT, US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA BOARD OUR GIANT ARK AND COME DOWN THERE TO DEE-STORY THE WHOLE STATE OF TENNERSEE. YEAH! WE GONNA SMASH ALL THE BANJOS SO CAINT NOBODY PLAY ROCKY TOP NO MORE. WE GONNA BURN DOWN DOLLYWOOD AND THEN DRIVE THE CHATTERNOOGA CHOO CHOO OFF A BRIDGE. THIS HERE AIN’T NO TIME TO POKE THE CATS! JUST DO LIKE YOU DONE FOR THE PAST FARTY YEARS…LAY DOWN AND LET THE CATS DOMMERATE YOU. IT’S THE WAY GOD WANTS IT. EVEN HE WAS CRYIN OVER THAT MISSED GOALTENDERIZIN CALL.

Cats crush Cards and The Beasman claims Brohm and Rondale ain’t a-comin’

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THE BEASMAN cats crush cards
TOUCHDOWWWWWWNNNNNN KENTUCKY! (laffs) THE CATS IS STILL OUT THERE SCORIN, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, CROOKED TEETH, CROWN ROYAL FOR BREAKFAST, BRAINLESS, SPINELESS, GUTLESS LOSERVILLE THUGS! TOUCHDOWWWWNNNN KENTUCKY! AND THEY IS GOIN FOR TWO AFTER EVER TOUCHDOWN CUZ LOSERVILLE CAINT STOP A TODDLER FROM GETTING TO THE END ZONE! (laffs) I HOPE YOU U OF SMELLERS FINALLY ACCEPT YOUR FATE AS LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES. Y’ALL COULDN’T BEAT A DIVISION 3 TEAM OF CROSS-EYED COMPUTER NERDS. (laffs)

I HEARD JEFF BROHM JUST KISSED HIS PURDUE BOSS ON THE MOUTH AND SAID “PLEASE LET ME STAY. I CAINT DO NOTHIN TO FIX THAT LOSERVILLE DUMPSTER FIRE!” SO THEN PURDUE CUT JEFF BROHM’S PAY IN HALF AND ALL HE SAID WAS “THANK YOU! THAT’S STILL BETTER’N HAVIN TO COACH U OF SMELL! I WANNA BOILER UP FOR MINIMAL WAGE!” (laffs) LARRY, I GOTTA TELL YOU HOW MUCH I ADMIRE YOU. SERIOUS BIDNIZ. MOST OF US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS FIGGERED YOU WOULDA CALLED IN SICK TODAY BUT HERE YOU IS, READY FOR BIG BLUE NATION TO RIP YOU TO SHREDS LIKE STOOPS TROOPS DONE TO U OF SMELL. (laffs)

56 TO TIN. AND IT COULDA BEEN TWO HUNDERD FIDDY SIX TO TIN. (laffs) DADGUMMIT, I TODE YOU TO PUT FRESH LIGHTBULBS IN THE U UH KAY SCOREBOARD CUZ BENNY AND TERRY TOUCHDOWN WAS GONNA LIGHT IT UP LIKE A CALIFARNIA WILDFIRE! (laffs)

AIN’T YOUR HEAD HURTIN FROM GETTIN IT SMASHED IN BY MY WILDCATS? WE WAS LOOKIN ALL OVER FOR YOU AFTER THE GAME BUT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SAID YOU JUMPED OFF THE TOP OF THE SECOND DECK TO TRY TO KILL YOURSELF. (laffs) BUT YOU LANDED ON A SOFT PILE OF LOSERVILLE CRYIN TOWELS AND JUST HAD TO WALK HOME TALKIN TO YOURSELF. (laffs) MATT JONES DROVE THE TEAM BUS HOME TO LEXINUN BUT FIRST HAD TO SOD VINCE TY-ROID’S YARD. HE’S A U UH KAY TRAITOR JUST LIKE YOU, LARRY MINNER.

Mike Meiners, Terry Meiners, Lisa Meiners Rohleder, and Lynn Meiners Hesse, November 24, 2018

MEMBER HOW I TODE YOU NOT TO GO TRAITOR TURNCOAT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW. SLICK DUMPED YOU. TOMMY TURTLENECK DONE GOT RUN OFF. BOBBY PETRINKO HOPPED ON HIS MOTOR-SICKLE WITH A TALL BLOND AND NOW U OF SMELL GOT NOTHIN. VINCE TY-ROID GOT NO MONEY IN THE BANK SO INSTEAD OF HIRING A COACH, Y’ALL GONNA USE PLAYSTATION TO CALL YOUR WEAK SAUCE OFFENSE. BROHM AIN’T COMIN, YOU BUNCH OF CARDINAL NITWITS.

RONDALE MOORE DON’T WANNA GO TRAITOR TURNCOAT TO PURDUE. Y’ALL AIN’T GITTIN HIM TO BE YOUR BINNY SNELL, SO SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE ABOUT RONDALE. Y’ALL DEAD TO HIM. LOSERVILLE IS RADIOACTIVE, LARRY. ALL THE RATS IS JUMPIN SHIP. THE ONLY IDIOT THEY COULD FIND TO COACH BASKETBAW IS YOUR TWIN, OBVIOUSLY WITH THE SAME LOW I.Q. AS YOU.

WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO THAT CURSED STADIUM AND TRY TO JUMP OFF THE SECOND DECK AGAIN? I THINK THEY MOVED THEM SOGGY CRYING TOWELS SO THIS TIME YOU CAN SPLATT AND END IT ALL, YOU PENCIL NECK LOSERVILLE FRAUD! (laffs)

MY KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOIN BOWLIN! ONE OF THE BIGTIME NEW YEAR’S DAY BOWLS IS GONNA COME CALLIN THE CATS CUZ BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! THE BLUE WAVE FINALLY ARRIVED! KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS IS LIKE CHILDREN OF DIVORCE…WE GIT TWO CHRISTMASES. STOOPS GIVE US THE FIRST ONE BY BASHIN U OF SMELL AND COACH CAL GONNA GIVE US A SECOND CHRISTMAS BY PUTTIN A BEATDOWN ON BALDY AND HIS F.B.I. SUSPECTS! (laffs)

OH LARRY, I AIN’T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE ME AND ADOLPH RUPP TODE TEXAS WESTERN THEY COULDN’T STAY IN OUR HO-TEL BACK IN 66. (laffs) BUT THEN THEY BEAT US AND I AIN’T NEVER FELT REAL JOY AGAIN SINCE SAIRDEE NIGHT IN THE CARDINAL GHETTO STADIUM. (laffs) GIT READY FOR BIGTIME BOWLIN, CAT FANS! WE GONNA LOAD UP THE TRUCKS AND GO SHOOT UP WHATEVER TOWN THEY GIVE US! TELL MOM & EM TO PACK UP THE STYROFOAM COOLERS AND MASON JARS. WE GONNA SELLER-MA-BRATE NEW YEAR’S WILDCAT STYLE…KISSIN SIS AT MIDNIGHT AND WHOOPIN ALABAMMER ON NATIONAL TEEVEE!

Mark Meiners with siblings Terry, Lisa, and Lynn at Cardinal Stadium, November 24, 2018

AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! GO CATS! GO BLUE! DUCK YOUR HEADS, CARDINAL FANS! WHEN WE DROVE HOME TO LEXINUN, WE SEEN A BUNCH OF F.B.I. CARS HEADIN TOWARD LOSERVILLE! THEY COMIN TO ARREST MORE OF YOU FOR WELFARE CHEATIN, DRUG RUNNIN, OR TAKING SHOE COMPANY MONEY! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! LET’S BURN A COUCH!

100% chance of a Blue Wave beatdown, Beasman chants DEAD MAN WALKING!

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(laffs) TELL THE CARDINAL STADIUM CREW TO PUT ALL NEW LIGHTBULBS IN THE SCOREBOARD CUZ THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS BOUT TO LIGHT IT UP LIKE A CALIFARNIA WILDFIRE! (laffs) IF THEM CRABBY OLD PEOPLE THINK TOP GOLF IS TOO BRIGHT, THEY SURE AIN’T GONNA LIKE HOW STOOPS TROOPS GONNA TORCH U OF SMELL! (laffs)

LARRY, LARRY, LARRY! THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS COMIN TO YOUR GHETTO TOWN TO FINALLY PUT THEM LOSERVILLE CARDINALS OUTTA THEIR MISERY. THAT TEMPORARY COACH WAS SO BAD THAT BOBBY PETRINO AST HIM TO BECOME ANOTHER SON-IN-LAW. (laffs) THAT NEW COACH IS SO WORTHLESS THAT U OF SMELL TRIED TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER $14 MILLION TO GO AWAY. (laffs) LARRY, U OF SMELL FOOTBAW IS LIKE A RACE HARSE WITH THREE BROKEN LEGS. IT’S ALL OVER. PUT ‘EM OUT OF THEIR MISERY.

DON’T Y’ALL CARDINAL FLUNKIES GOT NO SENSE? FAR-FIT THIS GAME RIGHT NOW AND SAVE YOURSELFS MORE BIMBARRASMENT. YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY DONE CANCELED YOUR POLICY CUZ ALL THEM CARDINAL INJURIES GONNA BANKRUPT THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. FARFIT NOW, U OF SMELL. FOR ONCE, DO THE RIGHT THING WITHOUT HAVING A JUDGE FORCE YOU TO! (laffs)

STOOPS IS LICKIN HIS CHOPS TO TREAT U OF SMELL LIKE THEM SAUDI ARABIANS DONE TO THAT REPORTER. (laffs) BINNY SNELL SO MAD HE DINT GIT NO HEISHMAN TROPHY THAT HE’S GONNA TAKE OUT HIS FRUSTER-ZATION ON U OF SMELL.

AND BINNY SAYS HE MIGHT NOT EVEN WEAR A HELMET CUZ U OF SMELL CAN’T TACKLY NOBODY NO HOW. (laffs) TERRY TOUCHDOWN GONNA DO WHAT TIM COUCH DONE WHEN Y’ALL OPENED THAT PINK SEAT STADIUM. TERRY GONNA LAY ABOUT 300 POINTS ON YOU CARDINAL FOOLS IN THE FIRST HALF. STOOPS GONNA LET MATT JONES AND RYAN LEMOND CALL THE PLAYS IN THE 2ND HALF. WE MIGHT EVEN LET THE UK PLAYERS’ MAMAS COME IN AND PLAY THE FOURTH QUARTER INSTEAD OF THEIR SONS. (laffs)

KASH DANIELS IS STILL SO MAD ABOUT CAT FANS NOT FILLIN UP THE KROGER FIELD FOR SENIOR DAY. HE IS TELLING THE ALL-BLUE CROWD IN LOSERVILLE STADIUM THIS SAIRDEE TO DO A SENIOR DAY DO-OVER FOR ALL THE DEE-PARTIN WILDCATS. SERIOUSLY LARRY, WHAT IS LOSERVILLE GONNA DO WITH A HOUSE FULL OF WILDCAT FANS?

IF YOU WANNA MAKE BIG MONEY THEN HAVE THE CONCESSION STANDS SELL NOTHIN BUT MOONSHINE, SQUIRREL BURGERS, AND CHEWIN DU-BACCA. (laffs) MOST OF THE CAT FANS WILL BE PACKIN HEAT SO THEY CAN SHOOT AT THE NAMES HANGIN UP THERE IN THE CARDINAL RING OF HONOR. (laffs) POOR CARDINAL BIRDS. THEY MUST FEEL LIKE THEY IS GETTING READY TO GO TO THE PRISON ‘LECTRIC CHAIR. (shout) DEAD MAN WALKIN! DEAD MAN WALKIN! (laffs)

LARRY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT LITTLE DIVISION 3 SCHOOL THAT CANCELED NEXT YEAR’S FOOTBAW SEASON? EVEN THEIR LOSIN STREAK AIN’T AS LONG AS LOSERVILLE’S! (laffs) LARRY, WHY DON’T Y’ALL DROP DOWN TO DIVISION 3 AND TAKE THEIR PLACE SO THATAWAYS Y’ALL HAVE A CHANCE TO KEEP YOUR LOSSES TO UNDER 50 POINTS! (laffs) DEAD MAN WALKIN! DEAD MAN WALKIN! (laffs) OH, THIS HERE IS GONNA BE THE BEST THANKSGIVIN EVER. STOOPS TROOPS GIT TO CRUSH LOSERVILLE IN THEIR OWN HOUSE, THEN GO ON TO A BIGTIME BO GAME WHILE U OF SMELL STAYS HOME.

AND ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS THANKFUL THAT THE F.B.I. INVERSTERGATION STILL AIN’T FIGGERED OUT WHATEVER COACH CAL IS DOIN TO RECRUIT A NEW ONE-AND-DONE ALL-STAR LINEUP EVER YEAR WITHOUT NOBODY TELLIN ABOUT CASH PAYMENTS! (laffs) SINCE Y’ALL IGNERNT LOSERVILLE FANS AIN’T SMART ENOUGH TO FARFIT, BUCKLE UP YOUR CHINSTRAPS. YOU BUNCH OF CROSS-EYED, REDNECK, STINKBREATH, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOD HATIN, DRUG TAKIN, FOOD STAMP CASHIN, SPINELESS, GUTLESS, GRAFFITI PAINTIN, ILLITERATE, RAPIN, ROBBIN, RABBLE-ROUSIN LOSERVILLE THUGS BOUT TO LEARN WHAT A DOMMERATIN BLUE WAVE IS ALL ABOUT!

LIKE THEY TODE THEM CALIFARNIA HIPPIES WHEN THE FIRE WAS COMIN: GIT OUT NOW OR YOU BOUT TO DIE! (laffs) AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! THE BLUE WAVE IS BOUT TO FLOOD YOUR GHETTO TOWN AND GIVE IT THE BATH IT NEEDS! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN MADNESS – Did Slick Rick and Larry break up for good?

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THE BEASMAN slick dumps larry
HEY LAREEEE! LARRY DADGUM MINNER! (laffs) I CAN’T BLEEVE YOU AIN’T CHECKED INTO OUR LADY UH PEACE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS. YOU GOT TO BE DOWNRIGHT DEE-PRESSED OVER ALL KINDA THANGS. THROW THEM STUPID Ls UP, YOU LOSERS! L STANDS FOR LOSER! L STANDS FOR LOSER! (laffs) YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS GOT BLASTED OUT OF THE STADIUM AGAINST BIGTIME S.E.C. FOOTBAW. OL NICK SABAN KICKED YOUR CARDINAL BEAKS SO HARD YOU CAIN’T EVEN WHISTLE DIXIE! THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOWED THEY IS ANOTHER S.E.C. PIRE BY TROUNCIN MICHERGAN LASS SAIRDEE, AND NOW WE GONNA WHOOP US SOME FLOR-I-DER GATORS.

CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP DOWN ON THAT STREAK CUZ IT’S OVER! THE STREAK IS DEAD, JUST LIKE U OF SMELL SPARTS! (laffs) IT’S SO FUN BEIN A KENTUCKY WILDCAT RIGHT NOW CUZ THE CATS IS COOL AND CARDS IS STOOL. (laffs) YOU THUNK I WAS GONNA SAY DROOL, RIGHT? (laffs)

photo: Lexington Herald Leader

POOR LARRY. I SHOULDN’T BE POKIN YOU WITH A STICK CUZ YOU IS DEE-PRESSED RIGHT NOW. (laffs) BUT I CAINT HELP IT! EVERBODY TAWKIN ABOUT HOW YOU AND SLICK RICK BUTEENER MUSTA BROKE UP. POOR OL WARSHED UP SLICK RICK IS GOIN ON EVERBODY’S SHOW TO PROMOTE HIS SAD LITTLE BOOK ABOUT HOW HE USED TO BE GREAT.

I HEARED SLICK RICK ON THE RADIO WITH TONY CRUISE. I HEARED SLICK RICK ON THE RADIO WITH RAMSEY AND RUSH LIMBO! I HEARED SLICK RICK ON THE LELO CONWAY SHOW WHERE MATT BEVIN CALLED SLICK A SAD, PATHETIC CRAZY NUTBALL HAS BEEN NOBODY CHEATER. (laffs) AND SLICK RICK WAS ON THE HOP-HIP STATION TAWKIN WITH THEM SAGGY PANTS DEEJAYS AND THEN SLICK RICK WAS ON THE COUNTRY STATION TAWKIN WITH THE STINKY BOOTS MORNING SHOW. AND SLICK RICK WAS ON THE OLDIES STATION TAWKIN TO GRAVEYARD GARY.

BUT THERE IS ONE LECTRIC RADIO SHOW WHERE SLICK RICK DINT CALL INTO…THE BALD HAIRED, TRAITOR TURNCOAT LARRY MINNER RADIO SHOW! (laffs) SLICK RICK BUTEENER AND LARRY MINNER MUSTA GOT A DEE-VORCE CUZ SLICK RICK USED TO ALWAYS TAWK TO LARRY FIRST. WHERE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND, LARRY? DID HE THROW YOUR BELONGINGS OFF OF BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? DID YOU TWO LOVER BOYS CALL IT QUITS FOR GOOD THIS TIME, OR IS HE JUST DATING OTHER BALD DEEJAYS TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS? (laffs)

OH BOO HOO HOO! LARRY & SLICK DONE GONE TO THE HEARTBREAK HOTEL BUT THEY IS STAYIN IN SEPARATE ROOMS! WELL LARRY, FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, DO THE SMART THING. FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH U UH KAY! YOU WENT TO SCHOOL IN LEXINUN AND SO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A WILDCAT! YOU WALK AROUND SMILING ALL THE TIME TAWKIN ABOUT THE CATS VICTREES AND THEN YOU CHUCKLE ABOUT THE LATEST LOSERVILLE FAILURE! COME ON BACK, LARRY. I’LL PUT A GOOD WORD IN WITH COACH CAL AND MAYBE WE CAN FIND YOU A SEAT IN THE NOSEBLEED SECTION UP THERE NEXT TO TOM PAYNE AND RICHIE FARMER. (laffs)

COME ON HOME, LARRY. WE WON’T MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR TOO LONG. WELL…MAYBE WE WILL! YOU KNOW US CAT FANS, ALWAYS BUB-SESSIN’ ON U OF SMELL SO YOU GONNA HEAR SOME FUNNY COMEDY JOKES. MOVE TO LEXINUN AND MATT JONES WILL GIVE YOU A MINIMAL WAGE JOB MOPPIN UP VOMIT AT HIS U UH KAY BAR & GRILLE! COME ON, LARRY. QUIT CRYIN ABOUT SLICK RICK SCREWIN YOU AND THEN TURNIN ON YOU. JUST BE THANKFUL HE DINT LEAVE YOU CRYIN AND HUMILERATED IN A RESTRUNT BOOTH! (laffs) AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! YOU’S GOIN DOWN, FLORIDER! DRAIN THAT SWAMP! DRAIN THAT SWAMP! AND THEN YOU CAN FILL THE SWAMP WITH THOUSANDS OF SLICK RICK’S UNSOLD BOOKS! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

Cats losing streak ends so now UK fans are free to resume taunting others

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THE BEASMAN cats now righteous
WELL CARDINAL BOY, THE WORLD DONE GOT BACK ON ITS AXLE. Y’ALL SUCK AGAIN AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DOMMERATED ALABAMMER. SO THE STREAK IS DEAD AND GONE AND US CAT FANS IS BACK TO TAUNTIN LOSERS LIKE YOU. PLUS, COACH CAL DON’T GOTTA MOVE INTO BILLY CLYDE’S BASEMENT AND THE REST OF COLLEGE BASKETBAW TEAMS IS A-SHAKIN IN THEIR BOOTS KNOWIN THAT THE CATS IS GITTIN READY TO CRUSH EVER FOOL IN THEIR WAY OF THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS.

MEANTIME, U OF SMELL GOT CRUSHED LIKE A BUG BY NARTH CARAMALINER, A SCHOOL THAT’S SMART ENOUGH TO INTIMERDATE THE NC2A FROM GIVIN EM NO PENALTIES. THEM TURD HEELS SLAPPED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS LIKE THEY WAS RAG DOLLS IN A HURRICANE. LARRY, Y’ALL TWO BIT, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TOOTH, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE QUEEN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN LOSERVILLE THUGS AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT TROUBLE AHEAD NOW.

THE NC2A IS BRINGIN THE HAMMER DOWN ON YOUR FAKE NEWS BANNER. TOMMY TURTLENECK AIN’T GONNA WIN NO LAWSUIT TO GIT PAID AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK OWES THEM MONEY. SLICK IS A KNOWN CHEATER SO HE OWES ALL YOU STUPID CARDINAL FANS REE-FUNDS ON ALL THEM TICKETS AND POSTERS Y’ALL BOUGHT THINKIN YOU WAS SUPPORTIN A LEGITERMATE TEAM.

SLICK RICK IS THE BERNIE MADOFF OF COLLEGE COACHES. HE WAS RUNNIN A PONZI SCHEME OF LIES, STRIPPERS, AND PAYOFFS TO RECRUITS. OH, AND I HEARED YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK GOT HIS EYEBALL POKED OUT BY A JEALOUS HUSBAND WHO CAUGHT SLICK LOOKIN AT HIS WIFE’S SHART SHARTS. IT WEREN’T A DEE-TACHED RETINA…IT WAS A DEE-TACHED JAW AFTER THAT HUSBAND GOT A-HOLT OF HIM. LARRY, WHY CAINT YOU LOSERVILLE PEOPLE CHEER FOR HONEST COACHES? BOBBY PETRINKO IS A RAT FINK AND YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA GIT RUN OFF NEXT.

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL IS HONEST JOHN. HE DON’T BREAK NO RULES AND SO THAT’S WHY U UH KAY GOES THROUGH SOME DOWN YEARS LIKE THIS ONE. WE DON’T CHEAT LIKE SLICK TRIED TO DO IN LOSERVILLE. AND COACH CAL DON’T LIE TO HIS PLAYERS LIKE SLICK DID. WHAT DID SLICK RICK SAY TO DONNERVAN MITCHELL LAST YEAR? HE SAID, “OH SON. STAY IN SCHOOL. YOU AIN’T READY TO GO TO NO BIGTIME NBA.” WELL…LOOKY AT WHO WON THE NBA SLAM DUNK CONTEST!

Donovan Mitchell wins 2018 NBA all star weekend dunk competition wearing a Darrell Griffith jersey

IT WAS THE SAME GUY THAT SLICK RICK BADGERED TO STAY AT LOSERVILLE. WELL WHO’S THE SMART GUY NOW? DONNERVAN MITCHELL IS THE NBA ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AND SLICK RICK IS WORKING AS A GREETER AT WAL-MART SO HE GOT HEALTH INSURANCE TO PAY OFF HIS POKED-OUT EYEBALL! WAKE UP, LARRY! THESE CATS IS COMIN BACK AND YOU U OF SMELLER’S BOUT TO GIT THE DEATH PENALTY SO YOU CAINT PLAY FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. LARRY, LEXINUN WANTS TO BE A SANCTUARY CITY TO ALL YOU WAYWARD, BROKE DOWN CARDINAL FANS WHO AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT THE UGLY U OF SMELL SHIRT ON YOUR BACK.

Y’ALL U OF SMELL HOBOs NEED TO COME OVER TO LEXINUN AND LET US GIVE YOU A FREE BIG BLUE NATION SHIRT AND LET Y’ALL SPEND A FEW YEARS BEIN OUR JANITORS AND HARSE STALL POOP SCOOPERS. AND IF YOU WORK REAL HARD AND LEARN HOW TO SAY “GO BIG BLUE,” YOUR PATHETIC LIFE OF BEIN A U OF SMELL FRAUD CAN BE OVER AND BEHIND YOU.

YOU CAN THRIVE IN LEXINUN AS A SERVANT TO LIFETIME TRUE BLUE FANS WHO WON’T HATE YOU SO MUCH NO MORE CUZ WE IS GOOD AND CLASSY! AND IF YOU DEE-CIDE TO GO ON BEIN A STUPID U OF SMELL FAN WITH NO FUTURE, GO AHEAD. AFTER DUKE GITS THROUGH WITH YOU, Y’ALL GONNA BE BLOODIED UP TWICE AS BAD AS NARTH CARAMALINER DONE DID TO YOU. GO DUKE! GO DUKIES! BEAT THEM ROTTEN CARDINAL BIRDS! CAT FANS LOVE DUKE THIS WEEK AND THIS WEEK ONLY! AWWWWWW D-U-K-E DUKE! DUKE! DUKE!

During its most tumultuous year ever, the University of Louisville still found joy in Lamar

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University of Louisville players hoist the Governor’s Cup in Lexington’s Kroger Field, November 25, 2017 (photo: Will Clark, WHAS Radio)

Lamar Jackson kept Louisville from a complete crash-and-burn during its parade of basketball and academic scandals. Thank God for Lamar. His complete domination of UK in the regular season finale was brilliant.

Louisville’s Lamar Jackson dominated Kentucky all day in the 2017 Governor’s Cup rivalry game. (photo: Louisville football)

And Lamar’s brilliance shone all season.

======= My prediction from earlier in the week =======

Saturday marks the end of Lamar’s regular season career at UofL. My prediction is that Lamar has another 400 yard game (throwing and running). Final score: Louisville 45, Kentucky 28

Thank you, Lamar. At least the Heisman Trophy voters got it right last year. They’re ignoring Lamar this year and it only drives him harder.

READ: An NFL writer reviews Lamar’s strengths and weaknesses.

The Beasman laments losing to U of Smell and says UK players are afraid to sleep in dangerous Ville

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UK and UofL played the opening of a best-of-three series while I was prepping to go on the radio so I had to write a script for either outcome.

Here’s the audio we used following U of L’s 5-2 victory in game one.

THE BEASMAN after UK baseball victory
AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! HOW BOUT THEM KENTUCKY WILDCATS, YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH SORE LOSER CARDINAL CRYBABY TRAITOR TURNCOAT! I TODE YOU THESE HERE WILDCATS WAS GONNA ROCK YOUR UNDERSIZE JOCKS, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, FLAT BILL, ROTGUT WHISKEY BREATH, SINFUL, GUN TOTIN, GRAMPA PUNCHIN CARDINAL THUGS. IT’S OVER FOR YOU PEOPLE, DON’T YOU SEE THAT? ALL THE WALLS IS FALLIN IN ON THE LITTLE CARDINAL BIRDS. THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS THIS STATE’S ONLY GREAT BASEBAW PROGRUM. I USED TO THINK BASEBAW WAS GAY BUT NOW THAT THE BIG BLUE CAN USE IT TO HUMILERATE Y’ALL STINKBREATH CARDINAL FRAUDS, I’M ALL ABOUT BASEBAW. I LAUGHED MYSELF SILLY TODAY WATCHIN ALL THEM UGLY CARDINAL FACES TURN SOUR WATCHING THEIR PRECIOUS CARDINAL FRAUDS GIT PUT IN THEIR PLACE BY THE MOST DOMMERATIN BASEBAW TEAM SINCE BABY RUTH WAS PLAYIN FOR THE NEW YARK GIANTS. THESE HERE WILDCATS AINT GOT NO QUIT IN ‘EM. WE IS THE CATS! WE IS THE BIG BLUE. Y’ALL IS JUST LITTLE BROTHER, WHINY, RUN-TO-MAMA AND CRY YOUR CROCODILE TEARS U OF SMELL FRAUDS. YOUR COACH WEARS THAT STUPID SALAD BOWL ON HIS HEAD INSTEAD OF A REAL BASEBAW HAT LIKE U UH KAY’S NEW EXCITING COACH NINJA. EVERBODY LOVES THE U UH KAY COACH CUZ HE’S FUNNY AND DON’T GIT ALL RATTLED LIKE YOUR U OF SMELL GUY WHO SHOULDA LEFT YEARS AGO TO GO TO A REAL SCHOOL. NOW AINT NOBODY WANTS HIM. AND DON’T SHOOT YOUR MOUTH OFF ABOUT HOW U OF SMELL CAN JUST WIN ON SAIRDEE AND SUNDEE CUZ YOU AND ME BOTH KNOW THAT AINT HAPPENIN. STICK A FARK IN THE DEAD CARDINAL BIRD CUZ HE’S DONE. D-U-N-E DONE! AND THAT AIN’T THE ONLY HAPPY NEWS US CAT FANS GOT!

THE BEASMAN after UK loses to UofL
(snifflin) S-S-S-S-STOP YOUR SMIRKIN, LARRY MINNER. YOU AIN’T POSED TO LAUGH AT NOBODY ELSE’S PAINFUL TIMES. BUT THERE YOU ARE, SLICK RICK’S BOYFRIEND LAUGHIN WHILE US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS HURTIN REAL BAD. THIS ONE STINGS BAD…REAL BAD! THEM KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOULDA BEAT THEM U OF SMELL FRAUDS BUT (cry) SOMEHOW THEM LYIN, CHEATIN, FLATBILL HAT FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS COME OUTTA THERE WITH A VICTREE. I BETCHA THAT HOME PLATE UMPIRE WAS RELATED TO HIGGINS THE REFFERMARIE WE THREATENED TO KILL AFTER NARTH CARAMALINER KNOCKED US OUTTA MARCH MADNESS! AND NOW THIS STUPID GAY BASEBAW THING AINT GONNA BE EASY A-WINNIN THE NEXT TWO FOR U UH KAY CUZ WE GOT TO STAY OVERNIGHT IN YOUR GHETTO TOWN.

AIN’T NONE OF OUR PLAYERS CAN GIT NO REST CUZ THEY IS ALL SLEEPIN ON THE FLOOR UNDER THEIR BEDS AFRAID THEY GONNA GIT SHOT IN THIS VIOLENT TOWN OF THUGS. OUR GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT PLAYERS COULDN’T GIT FOCUSED IN THE GAME TODAY CUZ THEY DINT KNOW WHEN A PACK OF TEENAGE THUGS MIGHT RUN ON THE FIELD AND ROB EM OR SHOOT EM IN THIS WAR ZONE GHETTO TRASH TOWN. THE U UH KAY COACH SAID HE WOULD RATHER PLAY IN SYRIA THAN IN LOSERVILLE. BUT NAW, THE NC2A SAID WE GOT TO GIT IN OUR ARMOR-PLATED TEAM BUS AND RIDE INTO LOSERVILLE AND SPEND THE NIGHT HERE INSTEAD OF GOIN BACK TO LEXINUN WHERE WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT ONE KILLING A DAY INSTEAD OF ONCE PER HOUR IN LOSERVILLE. SO WE IS TOO SKEERED TO FOCUS ON BASEBAW. OUR TEAM TRAINERS BROUGHT TOE TAGS AND BODY BAGS JUST IN CASE. THIS FILTHY AINT FIT FOR RATS TO SURVIVE BUT SOMEHOW YOU DO, YOU SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN, SNAGGLE TOOTH, TRAITOR TURNCOAT FRAUD. GO AHEAD AND HAVE YOU GIGGLES ABOUT BASEBAW CUZ US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GOT LOTS OF OTHER U OF SMELL TROUBLES TO LAUGH ABOUT.

(second half to work either way the baseball game comes out)

EVER KENTUCKY WILDCAT FAN STAYED UP LAST NIGHT READIN THE U OF SMELL AUDIT LIKE IT WAS A VALENTIME FOM COACH CAL. I’D LIKE GIVE A BIG WET KISS TO THE AUDITOR WHO CHURNED OUT THAT 137 PAGE MASTERPIECE. SHOCKER! U OF SMELL LEADERS WAS STEALING ALL THE FOUNDATION MONEY TO TREAT THEIRSELFS! DADGUMMIT! U OF SMELL IS THE BERNIE MADOFF OF COLLEGE INVESTORS! FOR EVER CHARITY DOLLAR THAT COME IN, THE U OF SMELL LEADERS WOULD STEAL TWO! LARRY, YOUR PRECIOUS CARDINAL BIRDS IS BEING RUN BY A BAND OF PIRATES THAT WOULD MAKE THE MAFIA BLUSH. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IS MISSING. THEY WAS BUYIN BUILDINGS AND RENTIN TO THEIR FRIENDS FOR POCKET CHANGE. THEY WAS FUNNELIN MONEY THROUGH FAKE ACCOUNTS TO PAY THEIRSELFS BONUS RETIREMENT MONEY, AND EVEN SELLIN THEIR BASKETBAW AND FOOTBAW TICKETS AND NOT REPORTIN THE INCOME. I HOPE THE I.R.S. SHOWS UP WITH A DOUBLE DECKER PADDY WAGON TO GIT EM ALL! LOCK EM UP! OH, LARRY. AIN’T NO RESPECTACLE COMPANY NEVER EVER EVER GONNA DONATE TO LOSERVILLE AGAIN. OL TOMMY TURTLENECK AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK GONNA HAVE TO HOLD BAKE SALES TO MAKE GAS MONEY FOR YOUR TEAM BUS.

NO MORE PRIVATE JET FLYIN FOR THEM CARDINAL TEAMS. Y’ALL GONNA HAVE TO GO GREYHOUND WHILE THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS WILL KEEP FLYIN IN FIRST CLASS STYLE. THE CATS PLAYERS WILL BE EATIN STEAK DINNERS AND POOR BROKE DOWN U OF SMELL PLAYERS WILL HAVE TO EAT BEEF JERKY AND STALE SODA POP FOR SUPPER. AND YOU STILL GOT THE DEATH PENALTY COMN FROM THE NC2A ANY DAY NOW! TAKE THAT BANNER DOWN, YOU CHEATIN FRAUDS! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! AND JUST TO PILE ON, COACH CAL SIGNED UP TO BE THE COACH OF THAT ALL-STAR TEAM THAT ROMEO LANKFORD IS TRYIN TO MAKE. I BETCHA COACH CAL GONNA SNARE HIM OUT FROM UNDER SLICK RICK’S NOSE JUST LIKE HE DONE MARQUIS TEAGUE, WHO TURNT OUT TO BE A CRUMMY PLAYER. BUT COACH CAL TOOK HIM JUST CUZ SLICK RICK THOUGHT HE HAD HIM IN THE BAG.

I BETCHA IN TWO WEEKS WHEN U OF SMELL GOT THE DEATH PENALTY AND NO MONEY TO BUY FOOD, I BETCHA THAT 5-STAR BRIAN BOWEN GONNA BEG COACH CAL TO BE A WILDCAT! DON’T U OF SMELL GOT TO SELL THAT SINFUL STRIPPER DARM FOR PUNISHMENT? YEP! MAKE THEM U OF SMELL BASKETBAW PLAYERS SLEEP IN THE COUNTY JAIL. THAT’S GONNA BE THEIR PERMANENT HOME SOMEDAY ANYWAY SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL GIT USED TO IT! I LOVE IT! BEIN A CAT FAN MEANS ALWAYS LAUGHIN WHEN U OF SMELL IS FAILIN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!