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PATRICK ONEAL spent a night in the rowan county jail
TERRENCE, YOU KNOW I DONâT KISS AND TELL BUT I MUST TELL YOU ABOUT A NIGHT OF INCREDIBLE LOVEMAKING I EXPERIENCED LAST NIGHT IN THE ROWAN COUNTY JAIL. DONâT YOU KNOW WHO I AM? THIS IS PATRICK ONEAL, THE SQUARE JAWED HOLLYWOOD HUNK WHO SPEARS ALL OF THE HOT LADIES WHO CANâT RESIST MY CELEBRITY CHARM. I AM A PLAYA, A LADY CONQUERER, A SUAVE AND DEBONAIR PLAYBOY WHOSE MOVIE CREDITS INCLUDE âFRANCES THE TALKING MULE INSEMINATES A KARDASHIAN.â
DEAR BOY, I WAS DRIVING MY SISTERâS CAR EAST OF LEXINGTON ON MY WAY TO ASHLEY JUDDâS LOVE SHACK WHEN I LOST MY WAY AND BEGAN WEAVING ALL OVER THE ROAD TRYING TO READ THE GPS AND LIGHT A JOINT AT THE SAME TIME. BEFORE YOU COULD SAY âMADD MOTHERSâ I SAW BLUE LIGHTS IN MY REAR VIEW. I WAS HOPING IT WAS A FEMALE COP BECAUSE I CAN USUALLY TALK THEM OUT OF TICKETS AND INTO MAKING SWEET LOVE TO ME IN THE BACKSEAT OF THEIR CRUISERS WHILE I HANDCUFF THEM TO THE MACE CAGE. BUT NO, THIS TIME IT TURNED OUT TO BE SOME HOLY ROLLER MAN COP WHO WROTE ME A TICKET WHILE QUOTING BIBLE VERSES AND SO I TOLD HIM THAT I AM A HOLLYWOOD GOD. SO HE WROTE ME ANOTHER TICKET FOR IMPERSONATING A DEITY. AND I TOLD HIM THAT I ONCE TURNED WATER INTO WINE AND HE TASED ME BEFORE I COULD SAY THAT I TRADED A CASE OF SPRING WATER FOR A BOTTLE OF BOONEâS FARM.
THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I WOKE UP IN THE ROWAN COUNTY JAIL AT THE FEET OF A LONG HAIRED, MATRONLY GODDESS WHO RAVAGED MY BODY AND TOLD ME THAT SHE COULDNâT GET ENOUGH OF WHAT OLD PATRICK HAD TO DISH OUT. ALL NIGHT LONG SHE TUGGED AT MY GARMENTS AND BEGGED ME TO SURRENDER TO HER INSATIABLE LIBIDO. TERRENCE, EVEN OLD PATRICK HAS HIS LIMITS BUT THIS PLAIN JANE WOULDNâT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
JUST AS SHE NEARLY BIT MY LIPS OFF MY FACE, THE JAILER ARRIVED AND TOLD HIS COUSIN WYNONA JUDD TO RELEASE ME FROM THE LOVE RACK, GET DRESSED, AND GIT OUT OF HIS JAIL. SHE TURNED BACK TOWARD ME AND SAID THAT IF I EVER SETTLED FOR CHEAP ROMANCE WITH HER SISTER ASHLEY JUDD AGAIN THAT SHE WOULD KILL ME AND THEY WOULD NEVER FIND MY BODY. THEN SHE SANG âBIG BROWN BEAVERâ WINKING AT ME AND WALKING OUT. TERRENCE, THAT WOMAN FRIGHTENS ME SO IâVE GOT TO FIND A WAY TO GET ASHLEY TO STOP CRUSHING ON ME OR WYNONA WILL STAB ME.
ANYHOO, I WAS EVENTUALLY SPRUNG FROM THE ROWAN COUNTY JAIL AND NOW IâM BACK ON MY BAR STOOL AT TIM TAM TAVERN. OH, AND THAT FAMOUS GAY BASHING COUNTY CLERK WAS IN THE CELL ACROSS THE HALL FROM ME. ALL SHE DID WAS SIT ON THE TOILET ALL NIGHT SINGING AC/DCâs HELLS BELLS AND THAT âLOSING MY RELIGIONâ SONG. WONDERFUL GIRL BUT SHEâS REALLY SMELLY. DONâT YOU KNOW WHO I AM?