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Jailbirds for Jesus

–radio copy–
PATRICK ONEAL spent a night in the rowan county jail

TERRENCE, YOU KNOW I DON’T KISS AND TELL BUT I MUST TELL YOU ABOUT A NIGHT OF INCREDIBLE LOVEMAKING I EXPERIENCED LAST NIGHT IN THE ROWAN COUNTY JAIL. DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? THIS IS PATRICK ONEAL, THE SQUARE JAWED HOLLYWOOD HUNK WHO SPEARS ALL OF THE HOT LADIES WHO CAN’T RESIST MY CELEBRITY CHARM. I AM A PLAYA, A LADY CONQUERER, A SUAVE AND DEBONAIR PLAYBOY WHOSE MOVIE CREDITS INCLUDE “FRANCES THE TALKING MULE INSEMINATES A KARDASHIAN.”

patrick oneal

DEAR BOY, I WAS DRIVING MY SISTER’S CAR EAST OF LEXINGTON ON MY WAY TO ASHLEY JUDD’S LOVE SHACK WHEN I LOST MY WAY AND BEGAN WEAVING ALL OVER THE ROAD TRYING TO READ THE GPS AND LIGHT A JOINT AT THE SAME TIME. BEFORE YOU COULD SAY “MADD MOTHERS” I SAW BLUE LIGHTS IN MY REAR VIEW. I WAS HOPING IT WAS A FEMALE COP BECAUSE I CAN USUALLY TALK THEM OUT OF TICKETS AND INTO MAKING SWEET LOVE TO ME IN THE BACKSEAT OF THEIR CRUISERS WHILE I HANDCUFF THEM TO THE MACE CAGE. BUT NO, THIS TIME IT TURNED OUT TO BE SOME HOLY ROLLER MAN COP WHO WROTE ME A TICKET WHILE QUOTING BIBLE VERSES AND SO I TOLD HIM THAT I AM A HOLLYWOOD GOD. SO HE WROTE ME ANOTHER TICKET FOR IMPERSONATING A DEITY. AND I TOLD HIM THAT I ONCE TURNED WATER INTO WINE AND HE TASED ME BEFORE I COULD SAY THAT I TRADED A CASE OF SPRING WATER FOR A BOTTLE OF BOONE’S FARM.

jesus day off

THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I WOKE UP IN THE ROWAN COUNTY JAIL AT THE FEET OF A LONG HAIRED, MATRONLY GODDESS WHO RAVAGED MY BODY AND TOLD ME THAT SHE COULDN’T GET ENOUGH OF WHAT OLD PATRICK HAD TO DISH OUT. ALL NIGHT LONG SHE TUGGED AT MY GARMENTS AND BEGGED ME TO SURRENDER TO HER INSATIABLE LIBIDO. TERRENCE, EVEN OLD PATRICK HAS HIS LIMITS BUT THIS PLAIN JANE WOULDN’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

wynonna

JUST AS SHE NEARLY BIT MY LIPS OFF MY FACE, THE JAILER ARRIVED AND TOLD HIS COUSIN WYNONA JUDD TO RELEASE ME FROM THE LOVE RACK, GET DRESSED, AND GIT OUT OF HIS JAIL. SHE TURNED BACK TOWARD ME AND SAID THAT IF I EVER SETTLED FOR CHEAP ROMANCE WITH HER SISTER ASHLEY JUDD AGAIN THAT SHE WOULD KILL ME AND THEY WOULD NEVER FIND MY BODY. THEN SHE SANG ‘BIG BROWN BEAVER” WINKING AT ME AND WALKING OUT. TERRENCE, THAT WOMAN FRIGHTENS ME SO I’VE GOT TO FIND A WAY TO GET ASHLEY TO STOP CRUSHING ON ME OR WYNONA WILL STAB ME.

ahley wynona judd

ANYHOO, I WAS EVENTUALLY SPRUNG FROM THE ROWAN COUNTY JAIL AND NOW I’M BACK ON MY BAR STOOL AT TIM TAM TAVERN. OH, AND THAT FAMOUS GAY BASHING COUNTY CLERK WAS IN THE CELL ACROSS THE HALL FROM ME. ALL SHE DID WAS SIT ON THE TOILET ALL NIGHT SINGING AC/DC’s HELLS BELLS AND THAT “LOSING MY RELIGION” SONG. WONDERFUL GIRL BUT SHE’S REALLY SMELLY. DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

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