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The Beasman celebrates the all-new Rupp Arena–Cal Palace

radio script: 02-10-2014

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2014

THE BEASMAN rupp update
HEY LARRY, WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS THEY TALKING ABOUT ALL DAY ON EXPN ABOUT YOU GOING TO THE NFL. DADGUMMIT, SEEMS LIKE EVER STORY ON THERE IS ALL ABOUT YOU, YOU GAY BOY, THINKING YOU GONNA GIT DRAFTED IN THE NFL. THE ONLY NFL INNERESTED IN YOU IS THE NERDS & FOOLS LEAGUE. QUIT TALKING ABOUT YOUR GAYNESS AND START TAWKING ABOUT WHAT EXPN SHOULD BE HIGHLIGHTING ALL DAY TODAY – COACH CAL’S BIRFDAY. (sing) “HAPPY BIRFDAY, COACH CAL. HAPPY BIRFDAY, COACH CAL. KENTUCKY LOVES CAL, YOU KNOW — EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT FARDY AND OH!” IT SHOULD BE A HOLLERDAY IN THE COMMERWEALTH OF KENTUCKY WHEN COACH CAL HAS A BIRFDAY BECAUSE HE BRINGS SO MUCH HAPPINESS TO ALL OF US WHO LOVE THE BIG BLUE.

john calipari shocked

WE TAKE OUR LEAD FROM OUR GOOD AND CLASSY COACH, NOT NO GUY WHO LETS HIS BOY WEAR A CHICKEN SUIT ON NATIONAL TELLERBISHION. WHY WAS SLICK RICK’S BOY DRESSED UP LIKE A CHICKEN? BECAUSE THE KFC YUM CENTER WANTED A FREE COMMERCIAL TO SELL MORE KFC CHICKEN, AIN’T THAT IT, LARRY MINNER?

rick-pitino-ryan-chicken

I SEEN YOUR STUPID TV SHOW THE OTHER DAY WITH YOU AND SLICK RICK SETTING THERE LIKE A COUPLE OF BUMPKINS CUZ YOU DINT HAVE NO GAME TO PLAY AGAIN. HERE’S WHY. OTHER TEAMS KNOW IF THEY GOTTA PLAY AGAINST A WEAK INFERIOR OPPONENT LIKE LOSERVILLE THEN THAT’S GONNA KILL THEIR RPI SO THEY JUST ALL WANNA DROP LOSERVILLE OFF THEIR SCHEDULE. AND I TELL YOU WHAT, U UH KAY IS GONNA DROP LOSERVILLE IN A COUPLE YEARS, TOO. ONCE WE GIT RUMP ARENER ALL FIXED UP, WE AIN’T GONNA INVITE GHETTO TRASH LIKE LOSERVILL TO COME AND CONTAMINATE OUR NEW FANCY ARENER. LARRY, YOU U OF SMELLERS LOVE ACTING LIKE YOUR CHICKEN BUCKET ARENER IS ALL NEW AND FANCY BUT NOW U UH KAY IS GONNA TOP THAT WITH THE ALL-NEW RUMP ARENER PALACE, WITH GOLD BACK SEATS AND FANCY DIAMOND STUDDED RIMS AND A FLOOR MADE OUT OF WOOD SLATS FROM ADOLPH RUPP’S BOYHOOD HOME. YEAH. THE NICKNAME WILL BE “THE CAL PALACE” BUT NOT PERMANENT IN CASE WE TURN ON HIM FOR NOT WINNING ENOUGH TITLES. AND THEY GONNA HONOR ALL THE OTHER FARMER COACHES WITH STUFF LIKE THE BILLY CLYDE BEER WAGON WITH PURDY GIRLS POSING WITH OUR HANDSOME, BUCESSFULL FANS. AND BE SURE TO VISIT THE NEW EDDIE SUTTON LOTTERY BOOTH WHERE EVER GAME SOME LUCKY FAN GETS A EMERY ENVERLOPE WITH A THOUSAND DOLLARS STUFFED INSIDE. AND THE BIG HALLWAY TO WALK IN GONNA BE CALLED JOE B HALL. AND DON’T FORGIT ABOUT THE ASHLEY JUGGS KISSIN BOOTH. IT’S $5 BUT YOU GIT TO WATCH HER STUFF IT IN HER BRA SO IT’S WORTH IT. AND YOU CAN TAWK TO RICHIE FARMER ON SKYPE IN THE “WHERE ARE THE NOW?” BOOTH. PLUS, WE GONNA HAVE FANCY RESTROOMS WHERE YOU CAN STAND UP TO PEE OR JUST STAND THERE AND SPIT YOUR CHAW. AND THEY IS EXPANDING THE LADIES RESTROOM TO A 4-HOLER. YOU SPECIALLY GONNA LOVE THE CONCESSION STANDS WITH PIGS ROASTIN ON A SPIT SO YOU CAN GIT YOU SOME FRESH PORK SAMMICHES AND CUT YOU OFF A LUCKY PIG’S FOOT. NO WAIT, THAT’S AT THE LIVE RABBIT BOOTH RIGHT DOWN THE JOE B HALL.

terry joe b hall

ANYHOW, WE IS GONNA MAKE IT FANCY WITH VALET TRUCK PARKING AT THE FRONT DOOR, WITH TWO DUKES OF HAZZARD LOOKALIKES JUMPING IN YOUR TRUCK AND DRIVING IT THROUGH A SWOLLEN CRICK AND THEN OVER A DIRT COURSE TO GIVE IT THAT LIVED-IN LOOK. MEANWHILE, YOUR OLD LADY CAN GIT A WILDCAT PEDICURE BY STICKING HER FEET INTO A TANK FULL OF CARP THAT WILL NIBBLE ‘EM INTO SHAPE. AND THE BOYS CAN STAND RIGHT THERE AND WET A LINE TO CATCH ALL THE CARP THEY WANT. TAKE IT TO THE CONCESSION STAND AND THEN WATCH THE GOVERNOR CHOP IT UP AND KEEP HALF FOR TAXES. OH, AND IT’S OK TO BRING YOUR GUNS INTO THE NEW RUMP ARENER, BUT THEY GOTTA BE SQUIRT GUNS FULL OF KENTUCKY BOURBON SO YOU CAN SQUIRT A TREAT TO YOUR BUDDY AFTER EVERY KENTUCKY DUNK. DON’T WORRY, THE SECURITY PEOPLE GOT REAL GUNS SO THEY CAN KEEP TERRORISTS AND U OF SMELL FANS OUT. GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY COACH CAL. YOU BETTER ENJOY IT BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T WIN IT ALL THIS YEAR IT’LL BE YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY.

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