THE BEASMAN #1
(long laffs) LARRY? (laffs) DID YOU GIT (laffs) DID YOU GIT THE NUMBER OFF THAT WILDCAT THAT RUNNED Y’ALL DOWN? (long laffs) I CAINT BLEEVE U OF SMELL IS STILL IN BIDNIZ. USUALLY WHEN SOMEBODY SUFFERS A TRAGEDY LIKE THAT, THE NATIONAL GUARD AND THE RED CROSS COME IN TO CHECK FOR SURVIVORS. (laffs) DID THEY DEE-CLARE LOSERVILLE A DISASTER AREA OR A LOST CAUSE? (laffs) LITTLE BOY PADGETT GOT WHOOPED SO BAD HIS PARENTS GOT ARRESTED. (gaffs)

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS YOU CARDINAL FRAUDS GONNA CHEER FOR NOW? EVEN THE N.I.T. DON’T WANT YOU! (laffs) I HEAR TELL Y’ALL CHANGING THE SCHOOL COLORS FROM RED & BLACK TO ALL-BLACK. (laffs) COACH CAL JUST ANNOUNCED THAT NEXT YEAR HE’S GONNA LET LOSERVILLE START 8 PLAYERS TO SEE IF THEY CAN HANG WITH 5 WILDCATS. (laffs) CAT FANS BURNT SO MANY COUCHES THAT LEXINUN IS NOW PART OF THE SMOKIES. (laffs)

COME ON, LARRY…LAUGH A LITTLE BIT. YOUR OWN PLAYERS IS SO BIMBARRASSED THEY GOIN’ SHIRTLESS THE REST OF THE SEASON TO STAY ANONYMOUS! (laffs) AND THEY JUST PRINTED THE TICKETS FOR THE NEXT U OF SMELL GAME — IT SAYS ON THERE: “I WOUDN’T SHOW UP IF I WAS YOU.” (laffs) COME ON, LARRY. THESE HERE IS FUNNY COMEDY JOKES AND YOU KNOW YOU WANNA LAUGH. STOP BEIN A SORE LOSER AND ADMIT THAT IT’S ALL OVER FOR YOUR LITTLE FRAUD SCHOOL OF CHEATIN AND STEALIN.

YOUR FOOTBAW TEAM AIN’T GOT LAY-MAR JACKSON NO MORE. BOY PADGETT IS IN OVER HIS HEAD AND ALL THEM HALL OF FAME A.C.C. COACHES IS WAITIN TO DO WHAT COACH CAL DONE DONE TO HIM. QUIT NOW, LOSERVILLE! US WILDCATS IS STILL BASKIN IN THE GLOW OF HUMILERATIN OUR ARCH ENEMA ON NATIONAL TELLERBISION. THEN WE WHOOPED JARJUH TO START S.E.C. PLAY! CATS GOIN TO THE FINAL FOUR TO HANG ANOTHER BANNER WHILE Y’ALL CLIMBIN UP THERE TO CUT DOWN YOUR BANNER! (laffs) AND DON’T GIT ALL SWOLE UP ABOUT HOW YOUR GIRL BASKETBAW TEAM IS SO GREAT. IT DON’T MATTER HOW MANY GAMES THEY WIN, THEY VENTUALLY GONNA GIT STOMPED BY UCONN. AND GIT REAL – IT’S GIRL BASKETBAW – ONLY DEEP VOICE GIRLS AND SWISHY BOYS CARE ABOUT THAT STUFF.

FACE IT, LARRY. TWUNNY SEVENTEEN WAS THE YEAR OF THE DEAD CARDINAL AND TWUNNY EIGHTEEN IS THE YEAR CATS! COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL SAYS HIS BIG BLUE HEROES DONE FOUNT OUT HOW GREAT THEY CAN BE BY SMASHIN LOSERVILLE’S UGLY FACE IN. JARJUH WAS TOUGHER CUZ THEY’S S.E.C. NOW THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS GONNA KEEP THAT MO ROLLIN RIGHT INTO MARCH MADNESS WHILE U OF SMELL GITS THE DEATH PENALTY. DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH PENALTY! IT’S OVER, YOU CHEATIN SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, CROWN ROYAL SWILLIN, GOD HATIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, WELFARE STAMP CASHIN, STREET TRASH CARDINAL THUGS! GIT OUT OF OUR STATE AND MOVE TO CHICAGO WITH ALL THEM OTHER GANG BANG, GOLD TOOTH, BABY MAMA, HOODIE WEARIN, ILLITERATE, TOOTHLESS, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN, BACKWARDS CAP HEATHENS!

KENTUCKY IS FOR CHURCH-GOIN CHRISTIANS WHO ACT POLITE, SAY YESSIR AND NO MAAM, KEEP OUR DAUGHTERS WITH THEIR OWN KIND, AND OUR BOYS OUT OF PRISON. WILDCAT COUNTRY IS THE ENTIRE STATE SO PACK UP YOUR LOSERVILLE CRIME AND SMOG AND TAKE IT SOMEWHERES WHERE STUPID PEOPLE LIVE. WE DON’T WANT YOUR KIND IN BIG BLUE NATION. AND TELL BOY PADGETT TO CANCEL THE CONTRACT WITH U UH KAY. COACH CAL DON’T WANNA WASTE OUR WILDCATS TIME PLAYIN YOU FRAUDS. HE SAYS THE CATS WOULD GIT A TOUGHER CHALLENGE PLAYIN AGAINST 5 STORE MANNEQUINS. AT LEAST THEY WON’T ALL FOUL OUT BEFORE HALFTIME. (laffs) YOU SUCK! AWWWWW C-A-TS- CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN #2
AWWWW DADGUMMIT, YOU ANSWERED THE DADGUM PHONE! NOW I GOTTA PAY MATT JONES FIVE DOLLARS. (laffs) LARRY…I LOST A BET. AFTER THE CATS THUMPED YOUR CARDINAL CREAMPUFFS AND THEN LAY-MAR JACKSON THROWED 900 INNER-CEPTIONS TO LOSE THE U OF SMELL BO GAME, I TURNT TO MATT JONES AND SAID “BETCHA FIVE BUCKS LARRY MINNER KILLS HISSELF FOR BEIN A TRAITOR TURNCOAT.” MATT JONES SAID NAW, THAT LARRY MINNER GOT TOO BIG A EGO TO HURT HISSELF. SO THERE GOES FIVE DOLLARS UP IN SMOKE! (laffs) BUT AT LEAST NOW I DON’T HAVE TO GIT UP EVER MARNIN CHECKIN THE OBIT-U-MARYS LOOKIN FOR YOUR UGLY MUG.

Kentucky beats Louisville by 30 and actually drops one spot to #17 in the AP poll

— Matt Jones (@KySportsRadio) January 1, 2018

(laffs) POOR LARRY. HIS ADOPTED CARDINAL CREAMPUFFS CAINT EVEN HANG WITH BELLARMINE NO MORE. I BETCHA BOY PADGETT IS TRYIN TO SCHEDULE TRINITY HIGH SCHOOL INSTEAD OF ALL THEM A.C.C. TEAMS WHAT’S GONNA CRUSH YOUR TARNISHED CARDINAL SOUL. THE U OF SMELL BASKETBAW PROGRUM AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A LAUGHINSTOCK. ALL ACROSS AMERICA PEOPLE KNOWS Y’ALL IS LITTLE BROTHER FRAUDS. AND THERE YOU IS, A FARMER WILDCAT FAN, ALL ALONE IN YOUR SADNESS INSTEAD OF CELLER-MABRATIN WITH ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS!

YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS ALL FORGOT NOW. TOMMY TURTLENECK IS A GREETER AT WAL-MART. THE U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS IS BACK TO LITTLE BROTHER LAND, SMALL TIME, DIVISION TWO NOBODIES. U OF SMELL IS BROKE, BIMBARRASSED, AND HERE COMES THE FBI AND NC2A TO CRUSH YOUR FUTURE. BOY, I THINK EVERBODY WOULD UNDERSTAND IF YOU KILT YOURSELF, LARRY. STICK A FARK IN YOU! THE CARDINALS IS D-E-A-D SO WHY DON’T YOU JOIN EM?

COACH CAL AND CATS EVEN TRIED TO EASE UP FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF THE GAME BUT U OF SMELL COULDN’T GUARD A CLOSET DOOR. WE SHOULDA SENT OL REX CHAMPMAN AND RICHIE FARMER COME OUT THERE TO RUN THE OFFENSE TO SEE IF THE CARDINALS COULD HANG WITH GRAMPAS. (laffs) AND YOUR CARDINAL FOOTBAW TEAM LOSTED TO A MISTERSIPPI STATE TEAM WITHOUT NO COACH, NO STARTIN QUARTERBACK, AND NO MOMENTUS. BUT MISTERSIPPI’S COACH HANDED OUT COPIES OF COACH CAL’S BOOK “SUCCESS IS THE ONLY CHOICE” AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! COACH CAL HELPED MISTERSIPPI STATE KEEP THAT S.E.C. DOMMERANCE OVER LOSERVILLE. HOW’D Y’ALL DO IN LAST YEAR’S BO AGAINST LSU? SEE, LARRY! U OF SMELL DON’T BLONG ON THE FLOOR WITH NO S.E.C. PIRES…Y’ALL IS SMALL POTATOES A.C.C. ACCEPT YOUR LITTLE BROTHER PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE.

AND A BIG OL MERRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE CHRISTMAS TO ALL THE GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS! WE DINT WANT TO CELLERMABRATE CHRISTMAS UNTIL WE WAS SURE THAT U OF SMELL WAS HEARTBROKE AGAIN…AND WE GOT A DOUBLE DOSE WITH BASKETBAW THEN FOOTBAW! (laffs) NOW US WILDCAT FANS IS HAVIN A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS FROM BEATIN JARJUH THE OTHER NIGHT AND RIGHT ON UP UNTIL WE WIN IT ALL IN MARCH MADNESS! LEAVE YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP, CAT FANS! AT LEAST THE BLUE ONES! CATS! CATS! CATS! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BLUE! BENNY SNELL GOT CHEATED IN OUR BO GAME OR WE WOULDA WON THAT. BUT IT DINT REALLY MATTER CUZ WE SMEARED DEAD CARDINAL GUTS ALL OVER THE RUMP ARENER FLOOR EARLIER THAT DAY AND THAT’S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS! MERRY CAT CHRISTMAS! (sing) I’LL HAVE A BLUUUUUUUUUUUE, BLUE BLUE CHRISTMAS EVER YEAR (laffs) OH, LARRY! I HOPE YOU GOT YOU SOME NEW HEDGE CLIPPERS FOR CHRISTMAS. SINCE THEY FIRED SLICK RICK, TOMMY TURTLENECK, AND ALL THEM OTHER CHEATIN SCUMBAG U OF SMELL PEOPLE, YOU BOUT THE ONLY GUY LEFT TO CLIMB UP THAT LADDER WITH YOUR CLIPPERS AND CUT DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS CHAMPERCHIP BANNER! (laffs)

LARRY, Y’ALL NEED TO DO ONE OF THEM LONG FUNERAL PROCESSIONS IN THE STREETS LIKE YOU DONE FOR MOHAMMED ALI WHERE ALL THE CARDINAL FANS LINE THE STREETS AND THROW FLOWERS ON THE CARDINAL BIRD’S HEARSE. AND THEN THE FBI COULD FOLLOW UP WITH A PARADE OF PADDY WAGONS TO LOCK UP ALL THE CRIMINAL FANS WITH WARRANTS OUT ON EM. (laffs) KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE! I LOVE WHEN THE WILDCATS IS DOMMERATIN LITTLE BROTHER! (laffs) COME ON, NEW YEAR! MAKE IT WORST FOR U OF SMELL! THAT’S ALL WE WANT! AWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!