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THE BEASMAN – With Lamar Jackson beaten, is Lynn Bowden Jr the next savior of the NFL

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THE BEASMAN lynn bowie jr for MVP
LARRREEEEEE! ALMOST EVER-THANG IS BEAUTY-FULL IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, LARRY MINNER! IT’S WILDCAT BLUE FROM SEA TO SHINY SEA! (laffs) COACH CAL AND THE CATS IS CLICKIN ON ALL CYLANTROS, HEADIN BACK TO #1. NOW ALL YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD CHAIN WEARIN, NECK TATTOO LOVIN U OF SMELL LOUDMOUTHS GOT TO SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLES ABOUT LAY-MAR JACKSON! (laffs) I LOVE IT!

LAY-MAR IS A FAILURE CUZ U UH KAY WILDCAT WESLEY WOODYARD AND HIS TENNERSEE TITANS WHOOPED HIM GOOD! (laffs) BLEEVE ME…LAY-MAR GONNA MEMBER THE TITANS! (laffs) THEM TITANS WEAR BLUE, TOO, NOT NO FUNERAL PURPLE LIKE LAY-MAR THE HAS BEEN! (laffs) CARDINAL FANS IS SAD CUZ THEY CAINT KEEP TAWKIN ABOUT LAY-MAR! NOW EVERYBODY KNOWS HE WAS A FRAUD! (laffs)

Notre Dame can’t seem to put away Louisville, January 11, 2020

AND U OF SMELL BASKETBAW GOT LUCKY AGAINST THEM DRUNK CATHLICK NOTRE DAMERS, SO THAT WAS SAD, BUT THEM CARDINAL CONVICTS CAINT NEVER BEAT U UH KAY, SO THAT’S HAPPY! (laffs) Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! (laffs) THEM STOOPID DRUNK, FISHBREATH, ROSARY BEAD RUBBIN CATHLICK NOTRE DAME ROCKHEADS SHOULDA WHOOPED BALDY MACK AND THEM CARDINALS BUT THEY FOLDED AT THE LAST SECOND!

US KENTUCKY FANS WAS PULLIN REAL HARD FOR THEM POPE-LICKIN’ CATHLICK BEER-DRINKIN FOOLS BUT THEY LET LOSERVILLE SNEAK OUTTA THERE WITH A WIN. Y’ALL CATHLICKS GOTTA STOP LIGHTIN CANDLES ALL THE TIME! USE YOUR HANDS TO THROW THEM Ls DOWN! (laffs) Ls DOWN MAKES U OF SMELL PANIC AND THEN THEY LOSE! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! (laffs) MEANTIME, COACH CAL AND THE CATS GIVE ALABAMMER A BEATDOWN! (laffs)

ERRBODY AFRAID OF THE CATS! COACH CAL SAYS THERE’S 4 MILLION EXTRA U UH KAY COACHES AND OUR PLAYERS IS FINE-LEE UNNERSTANDIN WHAT THAT MEANS. BRING IT, CAT FANS! (laffs) U OF SMELL FANS AIN’T SMART LIKE GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS! BALDY MACK CALLED THE COPS CUZ ONE U OF SMELL FAN THREATENED TO KILL A CARDINAL PLAYER!

Jordan Nwora, December 2020

THAT AIN’T NOTHIN! US KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS WILL TAKE A U UH KAY PLAYER’S EN-TIRE FAMILY HOSTAGE IF HE DON’T GIT A DOUBLE DOUBLE! (laffs) THAT’S HOW US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS ROLL! (laffs) GO BLUE! GO CATS! BLUE GITS IN! COME SEE ABOUT IT! COME SEE ABOUT IT! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

NOW TONIGHT WE ALL GOT TO SET THROUGH A FRAUD FOOTBAW GAME…AIN’T NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND BLEEVES THIS HERE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS GAME IS LEGIT SINCE KENTUCKY AIN’T ONE OF THE TEAMS PLAYIN. YOU KNOW THAT’S TRUE, LARRY MINNER! KENTUCKY WAS THE BEST FOOTBAW TEAM ALL YEAR!

L.S.U. IS KINDA GOOD BUT THEY OUGHTA BE PLAYIN S.E.C. SUPER-PIRE KENTUCKY WILDCATS FOR THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS, NOT NO A.C.C. TOY BOWL CHAMP CLEMSON TIGERS WITH A LONG HAIRED, DOPE SMOKIN, HIPPIE FREAK QUARTERBACK LIKE SUNSHINE LAWRENCE! AMERICA’S FAVORITE QUARTERBACK AIN’T SUNSHINE, AIN’T JOE BURNHOLE, AIN’T TOM BRADY…IT’S KENTUCKY WILDCAT LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR!

Lynn Bowden Junior taunts Louisville with Ls down

THE N.F.L. IS GONNA SHOCK THE WORLD THIS WEEK AND GU-NOUNCE THAT THEIR MVP IS LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR WHO AIN’T PLAYED A SNAP YET BUT THEY ALREADY KNOW HE’S THE GREATEST! THAT’S A FACT, YOU BALD HAIRED, U OF SMELL BOOTLICKER! NOW THAT YOUR LITTLE HERO LAY-MAR JACKSON BEEN BUXPOSED AS A FLASH IN THE PAN U OF SMELL FAILURE, THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS WAITIN FOR LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR TO SHOW UP AND SAVE PRO FOOTBAW! IT’S TRUE, DADGUMMIT!

LAY-MAR JACKSON GOT THROWED AROUND LIKE A RAG DOLL – REMEMBER THEM TITANS! REMEMBER THEM TITANS! – AND FORGIT ABOUT LAY-MAR! FORGIT ABOUT LAY-MAR! STICK A FARK IN HIM…HE’S DONE! THE N.F.L.’s GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN HISTORY IS JUST NOW ARRIVIN TO BE BETTER THAN BRADY, BETTER THAN YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND AARON RODGERS, BETTER THAN JOE NAMATH, TERRY BRADSHAW, RUSSELL WILSON, PATRICK MAHOMO, JOHNNY U-NITAS, AND Y.A. TITTLE. LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR IS WALKIN THRU THAT DOOR! COME SEE ABOUT IT! COME SEE ABOUT IT! GO CATS! GO BLUE! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! US CAT FANS CAINT STOP OBSESSIN ABOUT U OF SMELL! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN!

The Beasman is feasting on U of Smell’s losing streak while the Cats soar

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THE BEASMAN loserville losing streak
(chuckling) ZIPPITY DO DAH, ZIPPITY DAY. MY OH MY WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY! (laffs) LOSERVILLE GOTTA LONGER LOSIN STREAK THAN I-RANIAN GENERALS HANGIN ROUND AIRPORTS! (laffs) Y’ALL CAN’T EVEN BEAT AN EGG! (laffs) U OF SMELL SUCKS SO BAD THAT CHRIS MACK GOT A JOB OFFER FROM ROOMBA! (laffs) YOU GOTTA LAFF AT MY FUNNY COMEDY JOKES, LARRY MINNER, CUZ AIN’T NOTHIN ELSE FUNNY ON THIS PATHETIC RADIO SHOW. (laffs)

photo by UK Athletics

HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW TOP 25 PO? SOMETHIN BLUE IS ON THE RISE AND SOMETHIN RED IS JUST BOUT DEAD! (laffs) I AIN’T QUIT CHUCKLIN SINCE BALDY MACK AND HIS AIRBALL-BEANOS LIMPED OUTTA RUMP ARENER SAD AND HUMILLER-FIED BY U UH KAY AGIN! (sing) IT’S STILL THE MOST WONNN-DER-FUL TIME, OF THE YEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRR! (laffs) SO LARRY…YOU FINE-LEE COME BACK TO WORK TO FACE THE MUSIC! (laffs)

I BEEN WAITIN EVER DAY TO HEAR YOUR STUPID VOICE BACK ON THE LECTRIC RADIO EVER SINCE COACH CAL PUT A SMACKDOWN ON YOUR PRECIOUS CARDINAL CONVICTS! (laffs) I TURNT ON THE RADIO AND YOU WEREN’T ON SO I THUNK – LARRY MINNER IS SKEERED! (laffs) ADMIT IT, LARRY! YOU WAS TOO DEE-PRESSED TO COME BACK AND FACE US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS! (laffs) MATT JONES OUGHT TO HAVE YOUR TIME SLOT ANYHOO! MATT JONES IS THE BEST BROADCASTIGATOR SINCE CAY-WOOD!

Chris Tomlin, Terry Meiners, and Matt Jones at WHAS studios, January 2, 2020

SO KEEP CRYIN YOUR LITTLE CARDINAL TEARS WHILE US CAT FANS LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL! KENTUCKY FOOTBAW IS #1 IN THE WORLD…ALL 32 NFL TEAMS PARKED A NEW CAR IN LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR’S DRIVEWAY TO WIN HIM OVER. IT LOOKS LIKE A COUNTRY CLUB PARKIN LOT OUT THERE! (laffs) SO ADMIT IT – LYNN BOWIE IS BETTER THAN LAY-MAR JACKSON! IT’S TRUE, YOU ROCKHEAD U OF SMELL BOOTLICKER! LAY-MAR IS OVER! THE WORLD LOVES LYNN BOWIE NOW CUZ HE’S BIG BLUE!

Lynn Bowden Jr promised “Ls down forever.”

THE BELK BOWL IS NOW BIGGER THAN THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS GAME CUZ EVERBODY KNOWS L.S.U. AND CLEMSON IS REALLY JUST PLAYIN FOR SECOND. STOOPS TROOPS KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS BETTER THAN YOUR GREEN GAY BUTT PACKERS, LARRY! (laffs)

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL SAYS U UH KAY BASKETBAW WILL BE BACK AT #1 BY NEXT WEEK CUZ HE’LL GIT THE POPE TO SLAP ALL THE VOTERS! (laffs) U UH KAY AIN’T GONNA LOSE NO MORE GAMES! EVEN IF ASHTON HAGANS GOTTA GIT HIS BAD LEG CUT OFF, COACH CAL SAYS HE’S BETTER THAN ANYBODY ON LOSERVILLE’S TEAM. (laffs)

LOSERVILLE HAS THE LONGEST LOSING STREAK IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW SO Y’ALL CAN CROW ABOUT THAT! (laffs) U UH KAY IS PERFECT IN S.E.C. PLAY, TOO. LET’S SEE, HOW IS U OF SMELL DOIN IN THE A.C.C.? OH YEAH…Y’ALL JUST LOST TO A FARMER KENTUCKY COACH NAME OF LENNER HAMILTON. HE USED TO WORK FOR ME, LARRY, AND HE COME VISIT ME ON FRIDEE NIGHT LOOKIN FOR AD-VICE ON HOW TO WHOOP LOSERVILLE.

Joe B Hall and Leonard Hamilton, January 3, 2020

I SAYS TO HIM, I SAYS “LENNER. JUST PLAY A DEE-FENSE CUZ LOSERVILLE SHOOTS LIKE STEVIE WONDER! (laffs) ALL Y’ALL FLORIDA STATERS GOTTA DO IS SCORE ONE BUCKET CUZ LOSERVILLE THROWIN UP MORE BRICKS THAN HABITAT FOR HUMANA!” (laffs) WHAT A FUN TIME TO BE A KENTUCKY WILDCAT! STOOPS TROOPS IS THE GREATEST FOOTBAW TEAM IN THE WORLD, COACH CAL IS PACKIN HIS BAGS FOR THE FINAL FOUR AGAIN, AND LOSERVILLE IS LOWER THAN A SNAKE’S BELLY IN A SINKHOLE. (laffs)

HAPPY BLUE YEAR, CAT FANS! THESE ARE THE GOOD OLD DAYS! I ALSO TODE LENNER HAMILTON TO SEE ABOUT COACHIN EVANSVILLE TOO SO THEY CAN FIRE WALTER McCARTHY THE TRAITOR TURNCOAT! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! COME SEE ABOUT IT! COME SEE ABOUT IT! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! HAPPY BLUE YEAR, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TEEF, WELFARE STAMP, TARC BUS RIDIN, DRIVE BY SHOOTIN, G.E.D. FLUNKIN U OF SMELL FOOLS! THIS HERE IS WILDCAT COUNTRY! GO BIG BLUE! HAPPY BLUE YEAR! COME SEE ABOUT IT!

Cats lose first of three in Christmas Murderers Row – The Beasman is devastated with Loserville looming ahead.

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THE BEASMAN uk loses to Utah
(cry) CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. (long cry) AIN’T NO T-T-T-TRUE BLUE K-K-K-KENTUCKY FAN WANNA CELLER-MA-BRATE THE BIRTH OF J-J-J-J-J-JESUS CUZ HE IGNORED OUR WILDCAT P-P-P-PRAYERS LAST NIGHT. (long cry) THE BIG B-B-B-B-BLUE IS NOW BEIN CALLED CAL’S QUITTERS. (long cry) CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED, DADGUMMIT!

TAKE DOWN THE TREE. STOP SINGIN’ THEM FA LA LA LA LAAAAAs, AND TELL AMMER-ZON YOU WANT A REFUND ON ALL THE PRESENTS YOU BOUGHT FROM YOUR WILDCAT MAN CAVE! IT’S OVER, LARRY. COACH CAL GOTTA GO! DADGUMMIT, HE’S JUST ANOTHER SLICK-HAIRED, SMOOTH TAWKIN I-TALIAN FRAUD!

WE NEED TO LET KINNY SKY WALKER BE THE HEAD COACH SO HE CAN TEACH THESE WIMPY WILDCATS HOW TO FIGHT, DADGUMMIT! WE LOST TO NOBODY U-TAWWW? AND WE ALSO LOST TO NOBODY OF NOBODIES EVANSVILLE! AND WE ALMOST LOSTED TO U-TAWWWWW VALLEY? DADGUMMIT, QUIT SCHEDULIN GAMES WITH ANYBODY FROM THAT FAKE RELIGION MORMON TABBER-SPACKLE CHOIR STATE! THEY’S A BUNCH OF SISTER WIFE WEIRDO DEVIL WORSHIPPERS WHO’S PROLLY CASTIN’ SPELLS ON OUR GOOD AND CLASSY CHRISTIAN WILDCATS! (cry) AND EVANSVILLE WAS JUST A FREAK SHOW, DADGUMMIT! WALTER McCARTHY IS DEAD TO US. (cry) WE IS THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS! THIS AIN’T POSED TO HAPPEN TO THE BIG BLUE! NOW U UH KAY GOTTA PLAY O-HI-ER STATE ON SAIRDEE, AND THEY POSED TO BE GOOD TOO. THEN WE GOT THE REAL CHRISTMAS KILLER NAME OF LOSERVILLE COMIN UP! (cry)

LEXINUN IS LIKE A CLARK GRISWOLD CHRISTMAS. CAT FANS IS ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER, WE DINT GIT NO BONUS, THE TREE DONE BURNT UP, THE NEIGHBORS IS LAFFING AT US, AND MOST OF OUR FANS IS JUST LIKE COUSIN EDDIE. (cry) HOW’D WE GIT HERE, DADGUMMIT! I HOPE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST IS ADOLPH RUPP, AND HE SHOWS UP FLOATIN OVER WILDCAT COUNTRY TONIGHT AND SHOWS US THE WAY BACK TO HAPPINESS. EBENEEZER BARNHART WON’T LET US HAVE NO ALKEY-HALL TO DROWN OUR SORROWS. (cry)

[WHAS programming note: former Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin walked into the radio station to talk about his controversial pardons of convicted felons so The Beasman had to call back the next day to finish the sketch. The altered audio version is here. The original script continues throughout this post.]

Vince Tyra, Chris Mack, Terry Meiners, December 4, 2019

I’M SKEERED WE GONNA LOSE CHRIS BALDY MACK AND THE U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS. AND Y’ALL CARDINAL FANS GONNA GIT EVEN WITH US FOR THE Ls DOWN BY HANGING A “KENTUCKY SHAME” BANNER LISTING ALL THE U UH KAY GUYS WHO GONE TO PRISON! TOM PAYNE, RICHIE FARMER, MICHAEL PORTER, DEANDRO LIGGINS FOR BEATIN UP HIS GIRLFRIEND. BOOGIE COUSINS FOR THREATIN TO KILL HIS BABY MAMA. TERRENCE JONES FOR STOMPIN ON A HOMELESS GUY’S HEAD. (cry)

DADGUMMIT! DON’T DO THAT CHAIN GANG DANCE TO MAKE FUN OF THE PRISONER CATS! US CAT FANS IS JUST FUNNIN WHEN WE DO Ls DOWN! MAKIN FUN OF KENTUCKY CONVICTS IS CRUEL AND SINFUL. (cry) WE IS THE CATS! WE POSED TO BE YOUR DOMMERATOR! CHRISTMAS IS MORE LIKE CRAPMESS THIS YEAR! (cry) AND I KNOW US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY FANS IS P-P-P-P-POSED TO BE CELLER-MA-BRATIN STOOPS TROOPS REE-CRUITS BUT WE CAINT FOCUS ON FOOTBAW WHEN OUR PRIDE AND JOY WILDCAT BASKETBAW TEAM IS LEAKIN OIL, LARRY MINNER!

STOP THAT SMIRKIN! I HEAR YOU SMIRKIN ON THAT PHONE RIGHT NOW! (cry) IF YOU DON’T STOP SMIRKIN ABOUT KENTUCKY FANS’ TEARS, WE GONNA GIT DEANDRO LIGGINS TO HIT YOU IN THE HEAD WITH HIS X-BOX WHILE TERRENCE JONES STOMPS YOU TO DEATH! (cry) I AIN’T PLAYIN WITH NONE OF YOU SMIRKIN U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GOLD TOOTH, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, NECK TATTOO, MAKIN BABIE OUT OF WEDLOCK FRAUDS!

ENJOY YOUR LITTLE CHRISTMAS JOY NOW CUZ IF WE LOSE TO O-HI-ER STATE ON SAIRDEE THEN COACH CAL GONNA GIT CHASED OUTTA LEXINUN AND KINNY SKY WALKER GONNA BE PLAYER COACH LIKE TIGER WOODS AND LEAD THE CATS BACK TO VICTREE LANE AGIN YOU CARDINAL DIP STICKS ONE MORE TIME!

Kenny “Sky” Walker, legend

AND SKY WALKER CAN DO IT…SPECIALLY IF HE BRINGS GOOSE GIVENS AND COW MACY BACK AS ASSISTANT PLAYER COACHES! Y’ALL GOIN DOWN LIKE THEM Ls! COME ON, KINNY! AND FIRE THAT OTHER KINNY…THE ONE NAME OF KINNY PAYNE. HE’S A CARDINAL SPY! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (cry) I DON’T WANNA LOSE TO NO U OF SMELL. I’D RATHER DIE!

Louisville no longer #1 brings Christmas joy to The Beasman and Big Blue Nation

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Louisville WBB celebrating an impending victory over Kentucky in Rupp Arena, December 15, 2019

THE BEASMAN you want some of this?
LARRREEEEEEE! LARRY DADGUM MINNER! (laffs) I WAS JUST CHECKIN THE NEW PO OUT TODAY AND IT SEEMS THAT THE #1 SLOT DON’T SAY LOSERVILLE NO MORE! (laffs) I LOVVVVVVE IT! HAVIN TO LOOK AT THAT UGLY LOSERVILLE WORD IN THE NUMBER ONE SLOT FOR TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS DONE GIVE ME A HEADACHE AND DIARRHEA. BUT I’M ALL CURED UP NOW THAT THEM ROTTEN U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS AIN’T SETTIN UP THERE ON #1 NO MORE! (laffs)

HOORAY FOR THE PO! IT AIN’T GOT A NASTY FILTHY CARDINAL BIRD SETTING UP THERE RIDIN HERD! START SLIDING BACKWARD WHERE YOU BLONG, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO, EAR GAUGE, CROSS EYED, CRACKHEAD CARDINAL FRAUDS! BALDY MACK DONE HAD HIS LUCKY STREAK BEATIN MICH-ER-GAN.

BUT THAT’S ALL DAM OVER THE WATER SO Y’ALL CAN CROW ABOUT WHOOPIN EASTERN KENTUCKY BUT THEY IS FRAUDS! JUST WAIT TIL YOU GIT REEEEEAAAAAAALLLLL KENTUCKY! (laffs) YOU CAINT CASH THAT REALITY CHECK, YOU BALD BOOTLICKER! SO SHUT YOUR STUPID CARDINAL MOUTH ABOUT HOW Y’ALL GONNA BEAT COACH CAL, LARRY MINNER!

YOU MUST BE SNIFFIN THAT MARIJU-WANNA AGAIN! U UH KAY GONNA KILL LOSERVILLE SO BAD THAT MATT BEVIN GONNA HAVE TO GIVE EVER GUY ON THE KENTUCKY ROSTER A FULL PARDON FOR MURDER! (laffs)

Vince Tyra, Chris Mack, Terry Meiners, December 4, 2019

YOU SUCK, LARRY! NOW I HEARED YOU ON THERE BRAGGIN’ ABOUT GIRL BASKETBAW! IS THAT HOW FAR YOU SLID INTO DEE-SPAIR? ACTING LIKE Y’ALL CARE ABOUT GIRL BASKETBAW? OHHHHHH…U OF SMELL GIRL BASKETBAW BEAT U UH KAY IN RUMP ARENER AND THAT’S 4 IN A ROW FOR U OF SMELL OVER THE CATS. BIG WHOOPTY-DOO!

U UH KAY GIRLS BASKETBAW PLAYERS IS GONNA BE SCIENTISTS AND LAWYERS AND DOCTORS SOME DAY! U OF SMELL BASKETBAW GIRLS GONNA BE MINIMAL WAGE WORKERS AND NOBODY NEVER GONNA HEAR FROM ‘EM AGAIN! SO TAKE YOUR LITTLE SISTER GIRL BASKETBAW VICTREE AND ENJOY IT! THE KENTUCKY WILDCAT REAL BASKETBAW RIVAL GAME IS COMIN UP DEE-CEMBER 28 AND THEN YOU GONNA SHUT YOUR SNAGGLE TOOTH, LOUDMOUTH BRAGGIN CUZ COACH CAL GONNA KNOCK YOU INTO THE NEW YEAR WITH A HEADACHE LIKE A WOODPECKER!

GO BLUE! GO CATS! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! OH, AND LARRY, YOUR PRECIOUS GREEN GAY BUTT PACKERS STILL SUCK. THEY JUST GOT LUCKY AGAINST CHICAGO BEARS CUZ DANNY TREE-VAY-THIN WAS HURT! I SEEN OTHER WILDCATS DOIN GREAT STUFF IN THE N.F.L. OL BUD DU-PREE AND BINNY SNELL WAS AMAZIN FOR THE STEELERS AND JOSH ALLEN WAS GREAT FOR THE OTHER TEAM! RANDO COBB AND THE COWBOYS WAS BIG WINNERS! AND LAY-MAR JACKSON DINT DO DIDDLY SQUAT ON SUNDEE SO YOU KNOW THE RAVENS CAINT WAIT TO GIT LYNNY BOWIE JUNIOR SO THEY GIT REAL QUARTERBACK! THAT HEISHMAN TROPHY PRESENTATION WAS A TOTAL FRAUD CUZ REAL FOOTBAW PEOPLE KNOW LYNNY BOWIE JUNIOR WAS THE BEST PLAYER IN COLLEGE FOOTBAW.

GIT ON THE BIG BLUE BANDWAGON WHILE THERE’S STILL TIME, YOU DIP STICK! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS, CARDINAL BIRDS? LET’S DO IT! AND BRING THAT FAKE LUKE HANCROCK BANNER WITH YOU SO WE CAN BURN IT ON A WILDCAT COUCH AFTER WE THUMP YOU CHUMPS AGAIN! GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

The Beasman and all Wildcat fans can celebrate Christmas now that #1 Louisville lost

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THE BEASMAN terry show opener
(sing) IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEEEAAAAAAR! ‘OL LOSERVILLE’S LOSIN, THEY TOOK A REAL BRUISIN, NOW CAT FANS ARE CRUISIN…IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEEAAAAARRRR!” (laffs) Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! SANTA IS COMIN DOWN THE CHIM-LEE AND Ls IS GOIN DOWN THE PO! (laffs)

OH LARRY…LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST TV CHRISTMAS SPECIAL EVER! WATCHIN BALDY MACK AND HIS SUPPOSE-UB-LEE #1 CARDINALS LOOK LIKE GARBAGE ON NATIONAL TV! MERRRRRRRR-EEEEEEEE CHRISTMAS, CAT FANS! (laffs and switch to singing) “I’M DREAMIN OF A BLUE AND WHITE CHRISTMAS…JUST LIKE THE WILDCATS USED TO KNOW!” (laffs)

POOR SAD LOSERVILLE. OL EBENEEZER SCROOGE TEXAS TECH JUST SMASHED YOUR CARDINAL DREAMS AND NOW IT’S A SAD LOSERVILLE CHRISTMAS…THANK YOU, JESUS! (laffs) I’LL LET YOU LICK YOUR WOUNDS LARRY AND CALL YOU BACK IN AWHILE. COACH CAL INVITED ALL US FRIENDS OF THE WILDCAT PROGRUM OVER FOR FILM SESSION WITH THE TEAM! WE GONNA WATCH LOSERVILLE GIT BEAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER! BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER! (sing) THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEEEAAAAAARRRR!” Ls DOWN, YOU BUNCH OF FAKE NEWS FRAUDS!

AND LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR JUST WON THE PAUL HORNY AWARD, TOO! (laffs) NOW IT FEELS ALL HOLLY JOLLY, DADGUMMIT! GO BLUE! GO CATS! WHO’S NOT #1 NO MORE! LOSERVILLE, THAT’S WHO TO ALL YOU WHOs DOWN IN LOSE-VILLE! (laffs) C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN louisville goes down
(laffs) OVER-RATED! (laffs) OVER-RATED! (laffs) OVER-RATED! (laffs) OH LARRY, LARRY, LARRY! (laffs) I STAYED UP WAY PAST MY BEDTIME CLAPPIN’ AND CHEERIN’ AND THROWIN’ THEM Ls DOWN ALL NIGHT TO MY DOG AND MY CAT AND MY GOLDFISH! (laffs) THEY WAS ALL A-CHUCKLIN KNOWIN THAT THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO OVER-RATED U OF SMELL CARDINAL FRAUDS WAS FINE-LEE GITTIN BUXPOSED FOR BEIN THE FRAUDS Y’ALL IS. I LOVE IT! (laffs)

OVER-RATED! (laffs) OVER-RATED! (laffs) Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! (laffs) TAKE THAT #1 OFF THE SCREEN NEXT TO YOUR SINFUL NAME. Y’ALL IS BACK TO BEIN’ THE #1 RUM DUMMY STRIPPER PO FAKE BANNER CARDINAL JOKE OF AMERICA! (laffs) COACH CAL AND THE CATS IS THE TRUE #1 BUT WE IS SMART ENOUGH TO STAY BACK IN THE WEEDS A LITTLE BIT SO THAT WE AIN’T GOT THAT FOR REAL #1 TIL THE FINAL FOUR IS HERE! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs)

The Texas Tech hippie who gave the Cards a headache all night.

WE GOT US A BRAND NEW GOVERNOR IN KENTUCKY, AND WE GOT BIG BLUE NATION BACK AHEAD OF THE CARDINAL FRAUDS, JUST THE WAY GOD INTENDED! NOW ALL US WILDCAT FANS CAN HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS! JESUS IS BORN AND U OF SMELL IS DEAD! (laffs) AWWWW, THAT WAS FUN WATCHIN’ THAT GAME LAST NIGHT CUZ LOSERVILLE WEREN’T NEVER IN IT! Y’ALL WAS THROWIN UP BRICKS LIKE HABITAT FOR HUMAN-I-TOUS! (laffs)

I BETCHA SLICK RICK WAS TURNIN CARTWHEELS OVER THERE IN GREECE CUZ HE DON’T WANT NO LOSERVILLE BEIN #1 IF HE AIN’T THE COACH NO MORE! (laffs) SLICK RICK LAFFS LIKE US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS ALL NIGHT LONG. I COULD HEAR BANJOS PLAYIN ALL THROUGH THE HOLLER LAST NIGHT AS CAT FANS COME OUT TO CELLER-MA-BRATE LOSERVILLE GOIN DOWN IN FLAMES! (laffs) Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! (laffs) NOW ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAN GO ABOUT OUR CHRISTMAS BIDNIZ WITH A POP IN OUR STEP! LOSERVILLE LOST! LOSERVILLE LOST! LOSERVILLE LOST! (laffs) THAT’S MORE FUN TO SAY THAN FA LA LA LA LAAA, LA LA LA LAAAA. (laffs)

Lynn Bowden Junior taunts Louisville with Ls down

PLUS, OUR U UH KAY QUARTERBACK DONE WON THE PAUL HORNY AWARD CUZ HE’S JUST LIKE PAUL HORNY! VERSE-UH-TILLY-US ON THE FIELD! (laffs) SO NOW WE NEED SOME TRUE BLUE KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS TO RUN UP TO NEW YARK AND SHOUT “GO BIG BLUE” UNTIL THEM HEISHMAN TROPHY PEOPLE PICK LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR THIS SAIRDEE! I HEAR TELL THEY GONNA PICK THAT BUCKET HEAD WHITE BOY FROM L.S.U.

DADGUMMIT, HE CAINT RUN LIKE LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR! WAKE UP, HEISHMAN SUCKERS! U UH KAY GOT THE REAL HEISHMAN TROPHY HERO, MR LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR, THE PAUL HORNY AWARD WINNER WHO JUST GU-NOUNCED THAT HE’S GOIN PRO AFTER THE BO GAME. ALL 32 NFL TEAMS IS FIGHTIN OVER HIM BUT I HOPE BALTIMORE PICKS HIM AND THAT MEANS LAY-MAR JACKSON WILL BE OUT OF A JOB! (laffs) GO BIG BLUE! WIN THAT HEISHMAN TROPHY AND TAKE LAYMAR’S JOB! LYNN BOWIE JUNIOR BOUT TO DO ALL THAT SO THAT U UH KAY IS YOUR CARDINAL DOMMERATOR FOREVER! (laffs)

Y’ALL CROSS EYED CARDINAL CRYBABIES IS ALWAYS ACCUSIN US CAT FANS OF BEIN OBSESSED WITH U OF SMELL CUZ WE THROW Ls DOWN ALL THE TIME! FOR ONCE…YOU’RE RIGHT! WE ARE OBSESSED WITH YOU LOSIN! YOUR CARDINAL TEARS ARE DEE-LICIOUS! (laffs) GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! DOWN GOES LOSERVILLE AND THERE IS JOY ALLLLLLL ACROSS KENTUCKY! (sing) IT’S THE MOST WUNNERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEEEAAAARRR

#tbt No count, two-bit, Cardinal loving fraud Larry Minner back in 1991 when was a true blue Wildcat fan but now he’s just a assho.

#1 Cardinals validate their ranking with win over Michigan, The Beasman is getting skeered

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THE BEASMAN cards win as #1
LARRY! LARRY! LARRY! I BEEN WANTIN’ TO VOMIT ALL DAY HAVIN’ TO HEAR ABOUT THEM NO COUNT, TWO BIT, WILDCAT WANNABE, PHONEY #1 U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS WHOOPIN’ MICH-ER-GAN! I SPENT ALL DAY YESTERDEE PRAYIN TO GOD, JESUS, ADOLPH RUPP, THE ELF ON THE SHELF, AND HOLY MACARONI THAT MICH-ER-GAN WOULD COME INTO THAT NASTY CHICKEN BUCKET AREN-ER AND KICK THE CARDINALS IN THEIR STOOPID FACES BUT…NAWWW.

Vince Tyra, Chris Mack, Terry Meiners (December 3, 2019)

NOW WE GOT TO LISSEN ALL WEEK TO ALL THAT IGNERT CHIRPIN BOUT HOW LOSERVILLE IS SO GREAT AND HOW THEY DOMMERATED EVERBODY AND THEY AIN’T LOST TO NO EVANSVILLE AND ALL THAT OTHER NONSENSE. POPPYCOCK! U OF SMELL BETTER ENJOY THEIR FAKE NEWS RANKIN WHILE THEY CAN! I KNOW Y’ALL IS STUPID BUT CHECK YOUR CALENDAR!

THEM CARDINAL CONVICTS IS ON DEATH ROW CUZ THE CATS IS WAITIN FOR YA! YEAH! WE JUST ABOUT 3 WEEKS AWAY FROM THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS STOMPIN CARDINAL FEATHERS JUST LIKE STOOPS TROOPS JUST DONE! DON’T ACT LIKE THAT FOOTBAW GAME DINT HAPPEN!

Lynn Bowden Junior taunts Louisville with Ls down

WE BURNT UP LOTS OF COUCHES BUT THEN LAST NIGHT GOT HERE AND THE JOY IS GONE IN LEXINUN. U OF SMELL HIGHLIGHTS IS ON ALL THE TVs AND IT’S HARRIBLE. NOW ALL US CAT FANS CAINT ENJOY CHRISTMAS CUZ WE GOTTA WORRY ABOUT DEE-CEMBER 28. I TODE THE OLD LADY TO TAKE DOWN ALL THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AND THROW THE TREE IN A DUMPSTER. WE AIN’T CELLER-MA-BRATIN NO BIRTH OF JESUS UNTIL US CAT FANS KNOW FOR SURE THAT THE CATS GONNA BEAT THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINALS!

WE ALMOST FIRED COACH CAL AFTER HE LOST TO NOBODY EVANSVILLE AND THEM UTAH VALLEY NOBODIES ALMOST BEAT US TOO. BUT THAT’S ALL DAM OVER THE WATER! COACH CAL DONE BEEN TODE BY US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCATS THAT IF HE DON’T BEAT LOSERVILLE, WE GONNA CHASE HIM OUTTA LEXINUN THAT NIGHT WITH PITCHFARKS AND FIRE! WE AIN’T KIDDIN! HAVIN’ TO LIVE WITH U OF SMELL #1 IS TOO PAINFUL FOR BIG BLUE NATION! WE’D RATHER SEE DUKE WIN IT ALL THAN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT U OF SMELL BEATIN THE CATS!

Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! Ls DOWN! AND IF LOSERVILLE BEATS U UH KAY IN RUMP ARENER THEN Ls DOWN MEANS WE GONNA JUMP Y’ALL IN THE PARKIN LOT! DON’T YOU BE FLASHIN NO Ls UP SIGN AT A GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FAN OR WE’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! WE GONNA KNOCK THEM Ls DOWN AND SPRAY PAINT YOUR UGLY RED SWEATERS BLUE RIGHT THERE IN RUMP ARENER! WE AIN’T PLAYIN, LARRY!

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HE BETTER GIT OFF HIS CATHOLIC PRAYIN KNEES AND START TOOTIN THAT WHISTLE IN PRACTICE 24/7 SO THE CATS IS READY FOR THEM ROTTEN CARDINALS. DON’T WORRY ABOUT PRACTICIN FOR THESE RUM DUMMIES WE GONNA PLAY NEXT. FOCUS ON BEATIN LOSERVILLE! WE IS THE CATS!

Louisville coach Chris Mack looks back at his family after his #1 Cardinals dispatched #4 Michigan.

WE POSED TO BE #1 DADGUMMIT! GIT THE CATS READY FOR LOSERVILLE SO WE CAN TAKE THEIR FAKE NEWS #1 RANK AND THROW IT IN THE DUMPSTER WITH THEIR REJECTED NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIP BANNER!

Luke Hancock and Darrell Griffith at the unveiling of their Final Four most outstanding player achievements banner. Pervis Ellison could not attend.

DICK VITALE WAS ON TV LAST NIGHT BLABBERMOUTHIN ABOUT U OF SMELL’s NEW FAKE BANNER! WHO CARES! THAT’S LIKE AN EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH PLAQUE…IT AIN’T NO CHAMPERCHIP…AND U UH KAY GOT 8 REAL ONES! WAKE UP, COACH CAL OR WE GONNA FIND SOMEBODY WHO CAN RECRUIT ALL THE ONE-AND-DONES AND ACTUALLY WIN THE DADGUM CHAMPERCHIP FOR A CHANGE! “OH, THEY’RE JUST KIDS” COACH CAL ALWAYS SAYS!

WELL BALDY CHRIS MACK GOT KIDS TOO BUT THEY GOT THE #1 RANK AND THEY IS LAUGHIN AT U UH KAY IN THE REAR VIEW! POOTY OR GIT OFF THE POT, COACH CAL! YOU GOT THREE WEEKS TO SAVE YOUR JOB! I SUGGEST YOU STOP SPENDING ALL DAY AT DUNKIN DONUTS AND START TEACHING THE BIG BLUE HOW TO DUNK! BEAT THEM CARDINALS OR (sing) “I’LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS…WITHOUT YOU…CUZ YOU GOIN TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE.”

The Beasman is sicker than Ariana Grande about UK’s horrible week

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game photos: UK athletics

THE BEASMAN bo game projections
SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE, YOU CROSS-EYED, TWO BIT U OF SMELL CARDINAL BOOTLICKER! YOU MAKE ME SICK WITH ALL YOUR STUPID U OF SMELL CHIRPIN WHEN YOU KNOW DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT U OF SMELL AIN’T POSED TO BE RANKED AHEAD OF U UH KAY. I HEARED ABOUT THAT PO AND IT MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.

MY TWITTER STARTS BLOWIN UP WITH ALL KINDA SMACK TAWK FROM BEER BREATH, NECK TATTOO, CURSIN AROUND BABIES, GODLESS, SPINELESS, BRAINLESS CARDINAL FANS SQUAWKIN ABOUT HOW LOSERVILLE IS AHEAD OF U UH KAY IN THE PO. BIG WHOOPTY DOO.

ALL YOU CARDINAL NITWITS SUDDENLY RUNNIN ROUND TAWKIN UP THE PO. IF YOU IS A U OF SMELLER, YOU IS INTERESTED IN HOs, NOT POs. (laffs) I’M STILL STINGIN FROM THAT EVANSVILLE DISASTER BUT I CAN STILL SLING THE FUNNY COMEDY JOKES, LARRY! (laff and then slowly turn it into crying) NAW…I AIN’T REALLY OVER LOSIN TO EVANSVILLE, DADGUMMIT! THEY JUST A BUNCH OF SMALL TOWN NOBODIES WHO AIN’T GOT NO BIDNIZ SCORIN MORE POINTS THAT MY KENTUCKY WILDCATS!

I HATE YOU WALTER MCCARTHY! DON’T COME AROUND HERE NO MORE ACTIN LIKE YOU LOVE THE CATS! YOU IS A BACKSTABBER! (cry) I HOPE YOU GIT SALMONELLA FROM A ROTTEN THANKSGIVING TURKEY, YOU WILDCAT DREAM CRUSHER! (cry)

I GOTTA JUST PRAY THAT U UH KAY GONNA SHAKE IT OFF LIKE TAYLOR SWIFFER AND GIT BACK TO PERFECTION! THIRTY NINE AND ONE! THIRTY NINE AND ONE! THIRTY NINE AND ONE! (laffs) BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! GO BIG BLUE! GO CATS!

LARRY, KEEP ON SMIRKIN ABOUT YOUR FOOL’S GOLD CARDINAL BIRDS CUZ IT WON’T LAST! Y’ALL GOIN DOWN IN FLAMES COME DEE-CEMBER 28TH, YOU BALD HAIRED, SNAGGLE TOOTH, TRAITOR TURNCOAT LARRY DADGUM MINNER! COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL SAYS EVANSVILLE WAS A WAKE UP CALL AND WE GONNA SEE N.B.A. LEVEL WILDCAT BASKETBAW FROM HERE ON OUT!

COME TO RUMP ARENER AND GIT YOUR WHOOPIN, U OF SMELL! LIL ARIANA GRANDE VOMITED ALL OVER THE VISITOR LOCKER ROOM AND WE JUST GONNA LEAVE IT IN THERE CUZ THAT’S WHERE U OF SMELL GOTTA GIT DRESSED IN A FEW WEEKS! (laffs) YOU GOIN DOWN, BALDY MACK! SO TAKE YOUR FANCY RANKIN IN THE PO AND DANCE AROUND RIGHT NOW CUZ IT AIN’T GONNA HOLD FOR LONG! (laffs)

WHAT ABOUT FOOTBAW! STOOPS TROOPS DONE LOOKED LIKE NATIONAL CHAMPEENS AGAIN WHOOPIN UP ON VANDERSMELT. THAT’S A BIGTIME S.E.C. WIN, LARRY MINNER! THE S.E.C. IS SO MUCH GOODER THAN ALL YOU LITTLE POP WARNER SISSY LEAGUES LIKE THE A.C.C. I THINK A.C.C. STANDS FOR “ALMOST COLLEGE COMPETITION” SO THEY KNOW IT AIN’T AS GOOD AS WHAT KENTUCKY DOES. THE CATS IS GOIN BOWLIN CUZ VANDERSMELT WAS WIN #5 AND WE PLAYIN SOME NOBODY NEXT WEEK TO GIT 6 WINS!

AND THEN SMUG LITTLE LOSERVILLE IS COMIN TO LEXINUN TWO DAYS AFTER THANKSGIVIN TO GET SLICED UP LIKE TOM TURKEY! (laffs) BIG DEAL…Y’ALL BEAT N.C. STATE AND WAKE FOREST ON THE ROAD. OHHHH…LIKE THEY’S GOOD. COME AND GIT YOU SOME OF THESE WILDCATS, CARDINAL NOBODIES! COACH GOMER PYLE SATTERFELLER AIN’T GONNA KNOW WHAT HIT HIM WHEN STOOPS TROOPS DANCE ALL OVER THE CARDINALS GRAVE! RIGHT NOW THEY’S PROJECT-TI-FYIN THAT U OF SMELL WILL PLAY TENNERSEE IN A DEE-CEMBER 30TH BO GAME AND U UH KAY GOT T.C.U. ON DECEMBER 31ST.

BUT I HOPE THAT’S WRONG AND INSTEAD THE BO PEOPLE PUT US IN THE SAME BO GAME SO WE CAN BEAT YOUR BRAINS OUT TWO TIMES IN A ROW! (laffs) BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! MATT JONES FOR PRESIDENT! MATT JONES FOR PRESIDENT! FIRE LARRY MINNER! FIRE LARRY MINNER! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! LET’S BEAT THE LITTLE NOBODY WE’S PLAYIN TONIGHT AND BURN A WALTER MCCARTHY STATUE AT HALFTIME! GO CATS! GO BLUE!

The Kentucky Cats LOVE BEING IN THE WATER

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THE BEASMAN cats win in the rain
AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! STOOPS TROOPS IS MAKIN IT RAIN, DADGUMMIT! LET IT RAIN, LET IT RAIN, LET IT RAIN! (laffs) I LOVE ME SOME KENTUCKY WILDCATS PLAYIN IN THE RAIN! THESE CATS LOVVVVE THE WATER! (laffs) HOW BOUT OUR PUNTER! MAX RYAN DONE PULT A FAKE PUNT AND RUN DOWN THE FIELD LIKE HE STOLE SOMETHIN! (laffs)

I LOVE IT! THE U UH KAY PUNTER IS BETTER THAN EVERY OTHER PLAYER IN AMERICA CEPT FOR LYNN BOWDEN JUNIOR, THE NEW SUPERSTAR U UH KAY QUARTERBACK! (laffs) DADGUMMIT, LBJ, YOU CAN LEAD OUR BLUE TROOPS INTO BATTLE ALL YOU WANT! (laffs) CAINT NOBODY STOP LYNN BOWDEN JUNIOR! HE RUNS, HE PASSES, HE JUMPS OVER FOOLS! (laffs) LYNN BOWDEN JUNIOR FOR HEISHMAN! LYNN BOWDEN JUNIOR FOR HEISHMAN! (laffs) HE’S THE GREATEST U UH KAY QUARTERBACK SINCE TIM COUCH! GOOOOOO CATS! GO BLUE!

AIN’T NO HALLER-WEEN FREAK SHOW HERE IN LEXINUN! ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA HAND OUT BLUE POPCARN BALLS AND U UH KAY COOKIES! GO BIG BOOOOOOOOOOOO! (laffs) GO BIG BOO! GO BIG BOO! WE WANT BAMA! WE WANT BAMA! THE REST OF THE S.E.C. IS PURDY NERVOUS NOW CUZ THEY KNOW THE CATS GONNA RUN THE TABLE. WE GOT FOUR NOBODIES LEFT: TENNERSEE, VANDERSMELT, BABY TENNERSEE, AND LOSERVILLE. WHAT A JOKE! STOOPS MIGHT EVEN GIVE THE PLAYERS OFF AND LET THEIR MAMAS PLAY AGAINST LOSERVILLE. Y’ALL SUCK, LARRY! TRYIN TO ACT LIKE Y’ALL DONE GOOD BEATIN VIRGINNY.

THEY’S A BASKETBAW SCHOOL NOT NO FOOTBAW PIRE! (laffs) GIT SERIOUS! Y’ALL AIN’T BEAT NOBODY GOOD THIS YEAR. THEM FISHBREATH, BEER DRINKIN CATHLICK NOTRE DAME PEDDER-FILES SLAPPED Y’ALL AROUND AND THEY JUST GOT TRASHED BY KHAKI PANTS HARBAUGH AND HIS WIMPERINES. (laffs) SO SHUT UP YOUR STUPID MOUTH ABOUT HOW U OF SMELL GONNA BEAT THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS CUZ YOU IS TAWKIN OUT OF YOUR HIND END, YOU BALD HAIRED, TRAITOR TURNCOAT, BENNER DICK ARNOLD WENT-TO-U-UH-KAY-BUT-CHEERS-FOR-LOUSYVILLE SNOWFLAKE LARRY DADGUM MINNER! (laffs)

Y’ALL BETTER GIT SKEERED RIGHT NOW CUZ LYNN BOWDEN JUNIOR AND OUR PUNTER IS WAITIN TO BREAK YOUR TINY U OF SMELL HEARTS IN A MONTH, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, DOPE SMOKIN, CRACKHEAD, SPINELESS, BRAINLESS, TOOTHLESS, CROSS-EYED LOSERVILLE CARDINAL CONVICTS! (laffs) OUR U UH KAY PUNTER COULD WHIP Y’ALL ALL BY HIS SELF IF KICKIN YOU IN THE CROTCH WAS LEGAL! (laffs) TURN ON THE CHRISTMAS MUSIC, LARRY, CUZ THIS HERE IS THE HIGH HOLY SEASON FOR CATS FANS! WE IS DOMMERATIN THE S.E.C. IN FOOTBAW AND THE HOOPS SEASON IS BACK TOO! (sing)

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEEEEEEEAAAAARRRR! (laffs) AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) U UH KAY BASKETBAW JUST STARTED UP AND COACH CAL IS HAPPY TO SHOW OFF ALL THE REE-CRUITS WE GOT THAT U OF SMELL WANTED BUT NOBODY WITH NO BRAINS WOULD EVER CHOOSE TO BE A LOSER OVER BEIN A GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT! (laffs)

COACH CAL GITS ALL THE BEST RECRUITS AND LOSERVILLE GITS THE TABLE SCRAPS OF A.C.C. NOBODIES LIKE DUKE AND NARTH CARAMALINER. Y’ALL DON’T EVEN BLONG IN THE SAME GYM AS U UH KAY, LARRY, AND YOU KNOW IT! A U UH KAY SPY TODE ME THAT UNRANKED O-HI-ER STATE COME DOWN FOR A SECRET SCRIMMAGE AGAINST BALDY MACK’S SUPPOSUBLEE FIFTH-RANKED LOUISVILLE CARDINALS AND BEAT Y’ALLS BRAINS OUT! (laffs)

I LOVE IT! GOMER PYLE SATTERFIELD STRUGGLES TO BEAT FOOTBAW NOBODIES AND BALDY MACK’S BASKETBAW BOYS CAINT WHOOP O-HI-ER TUCK-A-BUCKEYES! (laffs) GIVE UP NOW, LOSERVILLE! WE BOTH GOTTA BYE WEEK IN FOOTBAW SO USE THE EXTRA TIME TO TRANSFER TO REAL SCHOOLS THAT THE NC2A WON’T TAKE THEIR BANNERS DOWN! (laffs) I LOVE IT! CATS! CATS! CATS! AWWWWW BLUE! WHITE! U OF SMELL IS A MESS TO-NIGHT! (laffs) CATS CATS CATS! IF YOU AIN’T BLUE YOU’S JUST DOG DOO. (laffs) GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS! WE WANT BAMA! WE WANT BAMA! WE WANT BAMA!

The Beasman ain’t skeered when the kids forget to call their Old Kentucky Home

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THE BEASMAN cats losing streak
GO CATS! GO BLUE! US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS AIN’T GIVE UP ON YOU YET! I MEAN, WE DONE LINED THE STREETS FOR FREE BASKETBAW PRACTICE TICKETS BUT THAT DON’T MEAN WE DON’T CARE ABOUT FOOTBAW. STOOPS TROOPS IS SECOND BANANA ONCE COACH CAL’S NEW TEAM STARTS PRACTICIN! GO BLUE! GO CATS! FARDY & OH! POOR OL LARRY MINNER! HIS TEAMS GOT CRUSHED THIS WEEKEND. THEM SAINT X HIGH SCHOOL BOYS DON’T BLONG ON THE SAME FIELD WITH THEM TRINITY MENS!

Trinity High School football celebrates another victory over St. Xavier (Sep 2019)

YOUR SAINT X BOYS IS DIVISION 2 AND TRINITY IS LIKE A S.E.C. COLLEGE TEAM, LARRY! Y’ALL CROSS-EYED SAINT X NERDS JUST NEED TO STOP PLAYIN TRINITY CUZ THEY HUMILLER-FYING YOUR LITTLE HAS BEEN TIGER FOOTBAW PROGRUM. (laffs) I LOVE IT WHEN SAINT X LOSES, AND YOUR LITTLE GREEN GAY BUTT PACKERS LOSTED THE OTHER NIGHT TO PHILLER-DELFER! (laffs)

LARRY CAINT GO TO NO LOSERVILLE LIVE STREET PARTY CUZ BALDY CHRIS MACK GITS ALL THE BALD GUY ATTENTION! LARRY IS A STRANGER IN HIS OWN TOWN. (laffs) POOR OL TRAITOR TURNCOAT LARRY MINNER! HE THINKS I’M GONNA CRY ABOUT STOOPS TROOPS BUT I AIN’T! WE ALL GOOD THIS WEEK CUZ KENTUCKY GOT A BYE AND SO STOOPS GONNA GIT EVERTHANG BACK ON TRACK SO WE CAN WIN THE 8 GAMES WE GOT LEFT!

YOU JUST WAIT, LARRY! CATS GONNA RUN THE TABLE! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! AND LARRY, I REALLY LOVE WATCHING SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBAW WHEN ALL THE GREAT PLAYERS MENTION THEIR SCHOOLS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME.

“HELLO, MURICA! THIS HERE IS DALLAS COWBOY RANDO COBB FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKEEEEEEE!” HOORAY! BIGTIME NFL STAR RANDO COBB MEMBERS THAT HE WENT TO KENTUCKY! “THIS HERE IS LARRY WARTFORD OF THE NARLINS SAINTS! I AM A KENTUCKY WILDCAT!” HOORAY! RANDO AND LARRY BOTH SAID HELLO TO U UH KAY ON N.B.C. TELLERVISION. OH WAIT, HERE COMES TEDDY BRIDGEWATER. LET’S HEAR HIS SHOUTOUT TO THE CARDINAL CRIMINALS! (laffs) THEN TEDDY COMES ON THE TV AND SAYS “HELLO! THIS HERE IS TEDDY BRIDGEWALKER! I WENT TO MIAMI SMALLTIME HIGH SCHOOL!” (laffs) I LOVE IT! HE DINT SAY LOSERVILLE CUZ HE DON’T WANT THE WHOLE COUNTRY TO KNOW HE USED TO BE A CARDINAL CONVICT! (laffs)

WHO COULD BLAME HIM? LAY-MAR JACKSON STILL AIN’T FIGGERED OUT THAT STAYIN CONNECTED TO LOSERVILLE HURTS HIS BRAND BUT TEDDY BRIDGEWALKER DONE DROPPED Y’ALL LIKE A BAD HABIT! (laffs) KENTUCKY WILDCAT PLAYERS ALWAYS PROUDLY SHOUTOUT TO BIG BLUE NATION BUT THE FEW CARDINALS WHO MAKE IT TO THE NFL JUST MENTION THEIR ELEMENTREE SCHOOLS INSTEAD OF SAYIN THEY WENT TO LOSERVILLE. DADGUMMIT, I HEAR TELL A DEGREE FROM LOSERVILLE AIN’T AS GOOD AS A JUNIOR G.E.D. (laffs)

YOUR CARDINAL BIRDS CAINT TEASE U UH KAY ABOUT NO LOSIN STREAK CUZ Y’ALL GOT SLAPPED AROUND BY NOBODY FLORIDA STATE AND HAS BEEN NOTRE DAME, A BUNCH OF DRUNK CATHLICKS!

NOW THEY SAY LOSERVILLE IS FAVORED BY FOUR POINTS OVER BOSTON COLLEGE. WHAT A JOKE! U OF SMELL AIN’T GONNA WHOOP NO BOSTON COLLEGE UNLESS TEDDY BRIDGEWALKER COMES BACK BUT HE DONE FORGOT Y’ALL EXIST! (laffs) I SEEN AT THE LOSERVILLE LIVE THAT DONNER-VAN MITCHELL COME BACK BUT THAT WAS ONLY CUZ SLICK RICK NEEDED A LOAN TO PAY HIS LAWYER BILL. (laffs) OH LARRY, THE JOKES JUST WRITE THEIRSELFS. (laffs)

HEY, SINCE SLICK RICK AIN’T GOT NO MONEY NO MORE, IS HE GONNA GO BACK TO STRIPPER PO DANCIN FOR WIDOWS AT THE OLD FOLKS HOME? THEM OL LADIES WILL TUCK-A-BUCK IN SLICK RICK’S JOCKSTRAP SO HE CAN AFFORD TO KEEP DYIN HIS HAIR AND GITTIN BOTOX! (laffs) YOU SUCK, LOSERVILLE, YOU BUNCH OF CROOKED TEETH, WHISKEY BREATH, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE STAMP, STOLEN TELEPHONE, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, ILLITERATE, BRAINLESS, SPINELESS, CLUELESS CARDINAL CONVICTS!

MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOUR PAROLE OFFICER YOU’S GOIN TO THE CARDINAL GAME ON SAIRDEE OTHERWISE HE’LL THINK YOU’S OUT SELLIN HEROIN VAPERS AGIN! (laffs) GO CATS! GO BLUE! BLUE GITS IN! BLUE GITS IN! (laffs) THAT’S WHAT DOCTORS SAY ABOUT YOUR CARDINAL CONVICT LUNGS WHEN Y’ALL VAPE TO MUCH. BLUE GITS IN YOUR LUNGS! BLUE GITS IN YOUR LUNGS! (laffs) LET’S GO CATS! WE WANT BAMA!

For Kentucky football, targeting is triggering

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THE BEASMAN florida curse
I HATE YOU AND EVERTHANG YOU STAND FOR, LARRY MINNER. “CHANCE POOR” THAT ANY TRUE BLUE WILDCAT FAN EVER WANNA LISSEN AT YOU…ON THAT RADIO GIGGLIN LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL ABOUT LAY-MAR JACKSON AND TEDDY DIRTY WATER PLAYIN N.F.L. INSTEAD OF SOUNDIN SAD ABOUT OUR BELOVED CATS LOSIN TO THEM FLORI-DER PHONIES AGAIN! (cry) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS FANS IS LICKIN OUR WOUNDS AND Y’ALL WH&S PEOPLE JUST ON THERE TODAY HOLLERIN AND CUTTIN UP LIKE YOU’S AT A CARDINAL HOOTENANY. (cry)

DADGUMMIT, Y’ALL POSED TO BE GRIEVIN LIKE THE REST OF US, YOU CROSS-EYED, PENCIL NECK, TWO-BIT, DRUNK FOR BREAKFAST, WELFARE STAMP, CHAIN GANG, NOBODY LOSERVILLE WILDCAT WANNABES! WE GOT A FIELD GOAL KICKER NAMED SLIM CHANCE, FAT CHANCE, CHANCE POOR, OR BETTY BLUITT OR PEG LEG MEG OR WHATEVER. GIT HER OUTTA HERE AND GIT US IRON MAN TO KICK FIELD GOALS. (cry)

STOOPS TROOPS DONE GOT ROBBED BY THEM REFFERMARIES CALLIN WEAK TARGETING PENALTIES ON TWO OF OUR CATS. KENTUCKY WILDCATS AIN’T HEAD KNOCKIN THUGS LIKE LOSERVILLE CARDINAL BIRDS. U UH KAY WILDCATS IS JUST SO DADGUM TOUGH THAT OPPONENTS LOOK LIKE CRASH DUMMIES WHEN THEY GIT TACKLED BY A GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT! (cry)

MATT JONES — HE’S GONNA BE A SENATOR YOU KNOW – MATT JONES SAYS THEM REFFERMARIES IS STILL CHEATIN U UH KAY CUZ THEY’S MAD ABOUT MATT JONES PICKIN ON THAT BASKETBAW REFFERMARIE NAME OF HIGGINS. SO THAT’S WHAT THIS IS REALLY ABOUT. ALL THE ZEBRAS IS OUT TO GIT THE CATS BECAUSE THEY JEALOUS OF STOOPS AND COACH CAL.

Lexington Herald Leader

STOOPS TROOPS REALLY BEAT FLORIDER THE OTHER NIGHT IF THEM PHONEY TARGETING CALLS WASN’T MADE! HERE’S WHAT U UH KAY NEEDS TO DO SHUT DOWN THEM CHEATIN REFFERMARIES…WE NEED KENTUCKY HALL OF FAMER BOOGIE COUSINS TO GO OUT THERE FOR THE COIN TOSS AND THEN THREATEN TO PUT A BULLET IN THE REFFERMARIES’ HEADS! YEAH! I BETCHA THEY’LL STOP CALLIN FAKE TARGETING CALLS ON THE CATS ONCE BOOGIE GITS UP THEIR GRILLS! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

OH, AND LARRY…STOP BRAGGIN ABOUT YOUR CARDINAL CONVICTS BEATIN NOBODY WESTER KENTUCKY. THEY’S A BUNCH OF SWISHY BOYS WHO CAIN’T BEAT NOBODY SO BIG WHOOP! IF Y’ALL WAS IN THE S.E.C. LIKE KENTUCKY THEN YOU WOULD GIT STOMPED EVER WEEK. THE ONLY REAL GAME Y’ALL GOT IS CLEMSER, WHO CAIN’T BEAT ALABAMMER BUT ONCE EVER 20 TRIES. THE A.C.C. IS LIKE DIVISION 2 FOOTBAW. BUNCH OF WILDCAT WANNABES.

STOOPS TROOPS STILL GONNA WIN THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS CUZ WE RUNNIN THE TABLE STARTIN THIS SAIRDEE AGAINST THEM MISTERSIPPI STATE BULL DYKES. MEANTIME YOUR DOORMAT LOSERVILLE FRAUDS GONNA GIT YOUR JAW JACKED BY THEM SCUMBAG FLORIDER STATE SCRITCHERS. AND DID YOU NOTICE THAT COACH CAL DONE GOT ANOTHER TOP RECRUIT FOR NEXT YEAR? THE ONLY GUY YOUR TWIN BROTHER BALDY MACK CAN GIT HERE IS BILL MURRAY, AND HE CAINT DUNK NOTHIN BUT A DONUT! SO SHUT YOUR CROOKED TEETH MOUTH, LARRY MINNER!

Former UofL player Jonathan Greenard tackles UK quarterback Skylar Smith

YOU AND ALL THEM CARDINAL CONVICTS STILL GONNA GIT SLAPPED DOWN AGAIN FROM THE F.B.I. CUZ OF SLICK RICK’S CHEATIN. THAT’S A GIANT TARGETING PENALTY ON U OF SMELL. THE F.B.I. AND SLICK RICK’S BANKER IS TARGETING Y’ALL. SLICK GONNA SUED TO TAKE ANOTHER FARDY MILLION DOLLARS SO Y’ALL GOTTA SELL THE THINKER STATUE JUST TO PAY HIM OFF! YOU SUCK, CARDINAL BIRDS! LET’S GO, BIG BLUE NATION! GO CATS! GO BLUE! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!