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radio script THE BEASMAN go north caramaliner
GO TURD HEELS! GO TURD HEELS! BEAT THAT VILLE! BEAT THAT VILLE! LARRY, LARRY, LARRY! I BET YOU WAS UP LATE LAST NIGHT PULLIN REAL HARD FOR MIZZOU TO UPSET THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS SO I’S JUST RETURNIN THE FLAVOR. GO TURD HEELS! GO TURD HEELS! KENTUCKY BLUE LOVES CARAMALINER BLUE TONIGHT!

Malik Monk works the lane (photo: Herald-Leader)

ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GOT US A LUMPY VICTREE OVER MISS-OOR-UH LASS NIGHT BUT A WIN IS A WIN. WE’LL TAKE IT, DADGUMMIT! COACH CAL GOT A T. DE-ANDREA FOX WAS DOWN ON THE GROUND AND LOOKIN BROKE. BUT BAM AND DOM AND WILL AND MONK AND DRAKE AND THE CATS FIGGERED IT OUT AND BEAT A SCRAPPY BUNCH OF FARM BOYS WHO WAS HOPIN FOR A MIRACLE. THEY WAS LIKE THE LANNA FALCONS BUT WE IS TOM BRADY AND PATRIOTS. YOU JUST KNOW WE GONNA WIN IN THE END, DADGUMMIT! GO BIG BLUE! GO CATS! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

AND SO NOW ALL ACROSS WILDCAT COUNTRY I THINK CAT FANS IS GONNA SKIP WEDNESDAY NIGHT CHURCH SERVICES OR AT LEAST SNEAK OUT EARLY TO GIT HOME AND CHEER FOR NARTH CARAMALINER TO SHUT UP THEM FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS! I LOVE IT! U OF SMELL THINKS THEY GONNA GO IN THE DEAN DOME AND SNATCH A #1 SEED OUT OF CARAMALINER’S MOUTH. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, YOU CARDINAL CONVICTS! THEM NARTH CARAMALINER BOYS AIN’T LOST NONE AT HOME AND THEY AIN’T ABOUT TO START WITH NO CARDINAL TABLE SCRAP NOBODY RECRUITS. CARAMALINER IS BIGTIME LIKE U UH KAY WITH MACDONALD ALL-AMERICANS ALL DOWN THE BENCH.

DeMarcus Cousins (photo: NBC Sports)

SCHOOLS LIKE U UH KAY AND CARAMALINER KEEP THE N.B.A. IN BIDNIZ. THE ONLY WAY A U OF SMELL PLAYER GITS IN A N.B.A. GAME IS IF HE BUYS A TICKET OR HE’S PUSHIN A MOP DURING TIMEOUTS. SLICK RICK COULDN’T GIT A GUY TO THE PROS WITH A ROAD MAP. THAT GORGY JING-JANG ONLY GOT THERE CUZ SOME FERRENER OWNS THE TEAM AND FELT SORRY FOR HIM. THE N.B.A. AIN’T NO PLACE FOR LITTLE BROTHER CARDINAL BIRDS. DID YOU SEE THE N.B.A. ALL-STAR GAME? WHO WAS THE BIG STARS? WILDCATS, THAT’S WHO. AND NOW BIG OL BOOGIE COUSINS AND THE UNIBROW IS TEAMMATES WHO IS GONNA DOMMERATE THE WORLD. LOOK OUT LEE-BRON. THEM PELICANS JUST GOT MEAN. AND TERRENCE JONES IS ON THAT TEAM, TOO.

Isaiah Briscoe (photo: Herald-Leader)

AND THIS TIME NEXT YEAR, ALL THESE KENTUCKY WILDCATS AND SOME OF THEM TURD HEELS GONNA BE N.B.A. STARS, TOO. Y’ALL AIN’T GOT A PRAYER TONIGHT, LARRY. THE DEAN DOME GONNA BE FILT WITH CARAMALINER KIDS HOLLERIN ABOUT STRIPPERS AND SLICK RICK’S BALD SPOT. I’M A-GONNA SET BACK AND LAUGH MYSELF SILLY IN MY EASY CHAIR, WARM AND TOASTY UNDER MY WILDCAT BLANKET AND WATCHIN U OF SMELL GIT RUN OUTTA THE GYM. POP SOME POPCORN AND GIT YOUR BEVERAGE READY, CAT FANS! THIS IS GONNA BE LIKE WATCHIN CRIMINALS THROWED IN A CARAMALINER WOOD CHIPPER.

Stay away from this guy for a few weeks.

I’M GONNA BE LAUGHIN LIKE I DONE WHEN U OF SMELL GOT THEIR NC2A NOTICE OF ALLER-GATIONS. MEMBER? THEY SENT IT WRAPPED UP IN A PAIR OF GLITTERY PANTIES. AW LARRY, YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE. YOU BETTER NOT WATCH YOUR PRECIOUS CARDINAL BIRDS GIT SLAUGHTERED, LARRY. CHANGE THAT CHANYEL OVER TO THE 700 CLUB AND MAYBE PAT ROBERTSON WILL TEACH HOW TO SAVE YOUR SINFUL CARDINAL SOUL. UNLESS YOU REPENT AND ADMIT THAT YOU SINNED BY FOLLOWING SLICK RICK TO SATAN CITY, AND THEN YOU CRAWL BACK TO LEXINUN AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS, THEN MAYBE YOU GOT A TINY CHANCE OF ETERNAL SALVATION.

STICK A FARK IN YOUR CARDINALS, LARRY. YOU AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS ABOUT TO GIT A EARLY EXIT SO Y’ALL CAN GO SPEND ANOTHER SUMMER ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN TAWKIN ABOUT NEXT YEAR. MEANTIME, THE CATS IS GITTIN JUICED UP TO POKE THEM FLARIDER GATORS IN THEIR EYEBAWS AND SHOOT RIGHT UP TO THE #1 SEED WE SO RIGHTFULLY DEE-SERVE! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! DON’T GIMME NONE OF THAT THIRTY-FIVE AND FIVE STUFF. WE WON ‘EM ALL IN OUR MINDS! AIN’T NO CRYIN ON THE YACHT! GO CATS! GO BLUE! GO CARAMALINER BLUE TOO!

radio script THE BEASMAN unc heckler irks pitino as cards lose
SLICK RICK PITINO THINKS HE’S THE ROCK. HE HEARS ONE VOICE OUT OF 20 THOUSAND AND TURNS INTO THE INCREDIBLE HULK. CEPT HE AIN’T TOUGH. BUT I SEEN THAT HIS FANCY I-TALIAN SUIT RIPPED UP THERE ON THE SLEEVE. IS SLICK GITTIN HIS SUITS AT COSTCO NOW? WHAT A JOKE. U OF SMELL GITS MANHANDLED AT NARTH CARAMALINER AND SO SLICK RICK GITS ALL ROAD RAGEY, ACTING LIKE HE’S A TOUGH GUY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO LOSIN WITH CLASS? OH WAIT, US CAT FANS MEMBER SLICK FLIPPIN THE BIRD IN RUMP ARENER LAST YEAR. THAT’S JUST ANOTHER DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE BLUE AND RED. SLICK RICK BETTER BE GLAD HE GOT ALL THEM SECURITY FLUNKIES AROUND HIM CUZ HE COULDN’T WHOOP BETTY WHITE. ANYBODY UP IN THE STANDS COULD GRAB THAT SKINNY LITTLE U OF SMELL COACH AND SNAP HIM IN HALF LIKE A TREE BRANCH. HE WAS SUCH A WIMP WHEN HE WAS A BOY HIS MAMA WOULD GIVE HIM AIR SPANKINGS.

SLICK RICK IS LIKE ONE OF THEM TINY LITTLE DOGS BARKIN UP ON THE PORCH BUT AS SOON AS A REAL DOG WALKS BY HE SCAMPERS THROUGH HIS LITTLE DOGGIE DOOR AND HIDES UNDER THE BED. IF YOU’RE SO TOUGH, SLICK RICK, TELL YOUR SECURITY GUARDS TO TAKE THE NIGHT OFF AND THEN JUMP INTO THE STANDS LIKE W.W.E. SMACKDOWN. LET’S SEE YOU TUSSLE LIKE RON ARTEST DONE BACK AT INJIANNER. EVEN METTA WORLD PEACE WAS SMART ENOUGH TO BRING A FEW FRIENDS.

photo: News Observer

OH, AND IF YOU COULDN’T TELL, ALL US WILDCAT FANS LOVED SEEING YOUR PRECIOUS U OF SMELLERS LOSE A REAL GAME. ALL THE REST OF YOU’RE A.C.C. SCHEDULE IS A JOKE BUT YOU PLAY ONE REAL GAME AND FOLD LIKE A TENT.

U UH KAY BEAT NARTH CARAMALINER BUT U OF SMELL GITS BUXPOSED AGAIN AS A FRAUD.

Terry Meiners & Rick Pitino with the NCAA national championship trophy, April 26, 2013. Pitino had just delivered on a promise to his team that he would get a tattoo if they won the championship.

LARRY, SHOULD I KEEP MY VOICE DOWN? IS YOU CUDDLIN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW, PUTTING A COLD CLOTH ON HIS HEAD AND TELLIN HIM EVERTHAN’S GONNA BE OK? I CAN CALL BACK LATER IF SLICK RICK IS STILL POUTIN IN THE CARNER AND YOU NEED TO KEEP MASSAGIN HIS SHOULDERS AND TELLIN HIM HE’S THE GREATEST. POOR OL SLICK RICK IS GITTIN CRANKY IN HIS OLD AGE. I BETCHA SLICK RICK LOST HIS MIND CUZ THAT NARTH CARAMALINER FAN CALLED HIM COACH CAL.

Terry & Mary cheer the Louisville Cardinals to victory past the Kentucky Wildcats 32-14 on September 2, 2012

JUST KEEP TELLIN YOUR SECURITY GUARDS TO HODE YOU BACK CUZ YOU DON’T WANNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS IF A REAL FAN GITS A SHOT AT YOU. U OF SMELL IS FLAMIN OUT JUST LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO WHILE U UH KAY JUST WIN, WIN, WINS! I LOVE IT. AND NOW U OF SMELL GOTTA FACE SYRA-MACUSE WHO IS ON A BIGTIME ROLL NOW THAT THEY BEAT DUKE. LARRY…Y’ALL NEED TO STRAP YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK INTO ONE OF THEM HANNIBEL LECTOR FACEMASK AND STRAIGHT JACKET OUTFITS FOR THE REST OF YOUR GAMES SO ALL HE CAN DO IS SET THERE AND NOT FIGHT WITH FANS.

AND BY MUZZLIN HIM YOU CAN LET ONE OF THE ASSISTER COACHES LIKE DAVID PADGETT CALL THE SHOTS. HE CAINT DO NO WORSER THAN SLICK RICK IS DOIN. LARRY, LARRY, LARRY. THESE IS THE BEST OF TIMES WHEN THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GITTIN IT WORKING AND U OF SMELL IS BUSY TWERKIN. Y’ALL LOSIN YOUR GAMES AND THE NC2A IS GONNA BE MARCHIN INTO TOWN ANY DAY TO SNATCH DOWN YOUR PHONEY CHAMPERSHIPS BANNER FOR THE STRIPPERGATE SCANDAL. I LOVE IT!

TELL THE TEAM BUS DRIVER TO START LOOKIN UP DIE-RECTIONS TO THE N.I.T. LITTLE BROTHER U OF SMELL AINT GOIN TO NO BIG DANCE. BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS SLICK RICK WILL HAVE MORE TIME TO TAKE BOXING LESSONS SO SOME MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRL DON’T JACK HIS JAW THE NEXT TIME HE HEARS HER CALL HIM COACH CAL! GO CATS! GO BLUE!