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Holy Toledo! U uh Kay footbaw gets less attention than Fraidy Cat Matt

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📾 Lexington Herald Leader

THE BEASMAN game time
GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! PAY COACH STOOPS! PAY COACH STOOPS! BEAT TOE-LEEDER! BEAT TOE-LEEDER! (laffs) OL’ BALD-HAIRED LARRY MINNER IS THE LONELIEST GUY IN KENTUCKY. (laffs) YOU THE ONLY GUY STILL AT WORK! ERRBODY ELSE OFF HAVING THEIR LABOR DAY WEEKEND SO NOBODY IS LISSENIN TO YOUR STUPID RADIO SHOW! (laffs) YOU OUGHTA ASK BOOGIE COUSINS TO PUT A BULLET IN YOUR BALD HEAD! (laffs) FREE BOOGIE! FREE BOOGIE! THAT AIN’T BOOGIE ON THE TAPE!

LARRY MINNER, THE KARMA TRAIN IS COMIN FOR YOU MONDEE NIGHT! (laffs) YOU’LL BE CRYIN LIKE A BABY WHEN THEM DRUNK CATHLICKS GIT HERE FOR FOOTBAW! (laffs) YOUR CARDINAL FEATHERS GONNA BE SPRAYED ALL OVER THE TRAIN YARD BY THEM FAKE RELIGION DRUNK CATHLICKS AND US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA LOVE EVER MINUTE OF IT! (laffs) CAT FANS WILL BE LAFFIN LIKE WE IS WATCHIN HEE HAW! (laffs)

WE IS BIG NOTRE DAME FANS UNTIL NEXT WEEK, THEN U UH KAY WILL GO BACK TO CALLIN EM FISHBREATH CATHLICK, ROSARY BEAD RUBBIN, BINGO PLAYIN, BEER GUZZLIN, BABYMAKIN, STATUE WORSHIPPIN HEATHENS! (laffs) LET’S TAWK BIG BLUE
LOYAL WILDCATS LIKE ME AND COACH STOOPS CANT FIGGER WHY SAIRDEE’S WILDCAT GAME AINT SOLD OUT. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS A-GOIN ON? IS ALL THE GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS GOIN TO THE LAKE INSTEAD OF CHEERING ON STOOPS TROOPS?

DADGUMMIT, PUT DOWN THEM FISHIN POLES AND SHOW UP TO CHEER ON THE CATS! STOOPS DONE GOT A BIG PAY RAISE FOR MAKING THE CATS THE TOUGHEST FOOTBAW TEAM IN MURICA SO THE LEAST WE COULD DO IS PRETEND LIKE WE CARE! TOE-LEEDER SUCKS BUT SHOW UP ANYHOO SO COACH STOOPS DON’T LEAVE TO TAKE THE ALABAMMER JOB. YOU KNOW ALABAMMER WOULD FIRE NICK SABER IN A NEW YARK MINUTE TO GIT STOOPS! GO CATS! GO BLUE!

LARRY, I’M SURE YOU BIGTIME JEALOUS OF MATT JONES CUZ HE DONE GOT ALL THE PUBLICERATION FOR ACTIN’ LIKE HE MIGHT RUN AGIN SNITCH MCCONNELL. WE ALL KNOW MATT JONES IS LYIN JUST TO GIT HEADLINES, BUT THAT’S GOOD FOR BIG BLUE NATION. IF A LOSERVILLE GUY LIKE LARRY MINNER SAID HE MIGHT RUN FOR OFFICE, PEOPLE WOULDN’T VOTE FOR HIM TO BE DOG CATCHER! (laffs) LARRY, LARRY, LARRY! WHY DON’T YOU JUST QUIT TRYIN TO BE LIKE MATT JONES! WHEN HE BECOMES A SENATOR, MAYBE YOU CAN BE HIS CHAUFFEUR! (laffs)

MATT JONES IS PROOF THAT BIG BLUE NATION DOMMERATES THE WORLD. HE’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN TRUMP! (laffs) AIN’T GONNA BE 12 PEOPLE THERE LIKE A DONALD TRUMP JR RALLY! MATT JONES PACKS ‘EM IN LIKE FREE GUMMIT CHEESE GIVEAWAYS! COACH STOOPS SHOULD AST MATT JONES TO DO A POLITICAL RALLY AT HALFTIME OF ALL U UH KAY GAMES AND THEN WE WOULD FINALLY SELL OUT ALL THE TICKETS! COME ON, CAT FANS! SPEND SOME OF THAT METH MONEY FOR U UH KAY FOOTBAW TICKETS! LET’S GO! BIG BLUE NATION! SENATOR MATT JONES GONNA BE THERE KISSIN HANDS AND SHAKIN BABIES! AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

Mitch McConnell checks in from Twitter jail to talk guns and protesters

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell gave me an exclusive interview today that made news around the world. Senator McConnell finally addressed gun reform issues that have roiled America following last week’s dual mass shootings.

Mitch McConnell at home resting following a shoulder fracture (August 2019)

McConnell, homebound and healing from a fractured shoulder, also talked about protesters shouting threatening, profane chants at his home during late evening hours.

My phone started blowing up right away with links to The New York Times, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN, Fox News, ABC, and others who blasted out many of McConnell’s quotes about his call from President Trump that morning and how to slog forward to find bipartisan agreement on background checks, red flag laws, and more.

New York Times, August 8, 2019

According to McConnell, Trump is “anxious” to get some movement on gun legislation.

McConnell also gave his first comments on the profane protesters shouting for hours at night in front of his home. The organizer put it all on Facebook live but the McConnell “Team Mitch” twitter account was suspended with a directive to delete the protester video for its violent language and content.

The day after our radio interview, Twitter execs reopened the Team Mitch account. Multiple GOP groups threatened to pull advertising dollars for Republican candidates but Twitter claims they “reviewed this case more closely” and restored the account. Um…OK.

Team Mitch used a GIF of Mitch’s head on the body of “Shawshank Redemption” character Andy Dufresne just after he escapes the notorious prison.

McConnell told me he is not scared in his home and would “not be intimidated” by the swarm of haters outside. The senator claimed he doesn’t hear their chants while he watches baseball games.

The Courier Journal reports that state representative Attica Scott continues to suggest that protesters keep harassing McConnell at his home, where he eats, anyplace he goes.

screenshot: Fox News

Later, Kentucky Sports Radio’s Matt Jones came on the radio with me to discuss how his media career will continue during a (potential) senate run against McConnell. Jones and I dove into issues about guns, spirituality, raunchy protesters, and why he still chooses to receive a paper paycheck.

July voices: McConnell, Bevin, Yarmuth, Matt Jones, Damion Lee, Mayor Fischer, Daniel Cameron, and American hero Jimmy Green

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The Squad: Reps. Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Ayanna Pressley

As “The Squad” thrills extreme left-wingers, torches traditional liberals, and irks right wingers, a prominent liberal media voice is trying to slow the roll of the Four Horsewomen of Wokeback Mountain.

READ MAUREEN DOWD

In the midst of political upheaval over The Squad, the president’s GO BACK tweets, and racist Trump crowd chants, we’ve had a very strong 840WHAS interview roster over the past 10 days. These voices of prominent Kentuckians offer perspectives from different vantage points.

Thanks to the Senate majority leader, the Governor of Kentucky, Kentucky’s 3rd district congressman, the mayor of Louisville, plus a prominent media host, former UofL basketball player, and a former football player hoping to become Kentucky’s next attorney general. Plus, there is a special guest at the end of this post. Enjoy.

Always great to hear from Russ Smith.

I get very little pushback from interviewing progressives. I receive massive pushback from progressives when I interview conservatives. Vile, vulgar, vicious intolerance of another’s opinion thwarts harmony. E pluribus unum: from many, one.

New York Times liberal columnist Maureen Dowd recently assessed the conundrum for young progressives who are trashing older progressives for not being more extreme.

“The progressives act as though anyone who dares disagree with them is bad. Not wrong, but bad, guilty of some human failing, some impurity that is a moral evil that justifies their venom.”

Let’s close with an American hero. Jimmy Green was injured in the U.S. Army decades ago. He lost the use of his legs and went into deep depression. But he found a way to fix his attitude, stop complaining, and learn to love life again.

Listen to his inspiring story hero. God Bless you, Jimmy. God Bless all of us.

Matt Jones bounced from TV until he decides whether he’ll run for senate

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Lexington’s WLEX-TV pulled Ky Sports Radio founder Matt Jones from his nightly TV show called Hey Kentucky. Jones suggested in an interview with me that political foes pushed the TV station to bench Jones or risk the loss of commercial revenue from PACs aiming to support other Democrats in the 2020 senate race.

Journalist Al Cross says Matt Jones has an unfair advantage with his multiple media platforms, but that Jones “is not a journalist, he’s an entertainer.”

In the 840WHAS Radio interview, Jones talked of Mitch McConnell’s lack of connection with working class Kentuckians, Amy McGrath’s struggles, and state representative Charles Booker’s strengths in a potential Democrat primary next spring.

Meanwhile, as Matt Jones dawdles over his decision, another former Marine officer has jumped into the race.

The Beasman always bring the Summer Slam

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THE BEASMAN laker cats
YOU ARE A POOR EXCUSE FOR A MAN, LARRY MINNER. I AXEY-DENT-LEE TURNT ON YOUR STOOPID RADIO SHOW AND ALL YOU’S TAWKIN ABOUT IS SWIMMIN WITH DOLPHINS, BREAKDANCING, EATIN AT A PINK RESTRUNT, AND SOME 15-YEAR-OLD TENNIS GIRL NAME OF COCO. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? A REAL MAN GOES SWIMMIN WITH SHARKS, LINE DANCES, AND THE ONLY 15-YEAR-OLD HE CARES ABOUT IS A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH! (laffs) TURN IN YOUR MAN CARD, YOU PENCIL NECK, PINHEAD!

(laffs) WHERE YOU BEEN, YOU BALD HAIRED FRAUD? IS YOU AND SLICK RICK SPENDING THE SUMMER UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN AGAIN? (laffs) “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU, SLICK!” (laffs) I CAINT BLEEVE WH&S DINT HAVE SENATOR MATT JONES FILL IN FOR YOU WHILE YOU WAS GONE, LARRY! THEY HAD THEM LOUDMOUTH REDNECKS DWIGHT AND TONY VESPUCCI WORKIN INSTEAD OF YOU SO IT STILL SUCKED LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES. MATT JONES IS Y’ALLS ONLY GOOD RADIO DEEJAY, SO PUT HIM ON MORE, YOU CROSS-EYED, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, STINKBREATH U OF SMELL CARDINAL FRAUD! (laffs)

I CAINT WAIT TIL MATT JONES WHOOPS SNITCH MCCONNELL AND SENDS THAT LOSERVILLE TURTLE MAN BACK TO THE SWAMPS. KENTUCKY NEEDS MATT JONES TO BE OUR SENNER-TUR CUZ HE’LL GIT UP THERE IN WARSHINUN AND TAWK UP THE CATS! GO MATT JONES! GO MATT JONES! U-NITER STATES SENNER-TUR! MATTY BANGS SAID HIS FIRST OFFICIAL ACTION WOULD BE TO PASS A LAW DEE-CLARIN THAT U UH KAY ALWAYS GIT A #1 SEED RIGHT HERE IN OUR REGION. AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

THEN SENNER-TUR MATT JONES PROMISES TO PASS A LAW CHANGING THE NAME OF 1400 PENNSURVANIA AVENUE TO THE “BLUE & WHITE HOUSE!” AND THEY WOULD HANG A GIANT U UH KAY FLAG UP THERE ON THE FRONT PORCH SO THE WORLD WOULD SEE AMERICA’S TRUE TEAM IS THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS, NOT NO GIRL SOCCER NONSENSE! ALL THEM SOCCER GIRLS DO IS RUN AROUND A COW PASTURE FOR 3 HOURS AND SCORE TWO TIMES. BOOOOOOOORRRRRRR-INNNNNNNGGGGG!

NOW THAT LADY SOCCER MATCH IN THE WORLD CUP WAS STILL GOOD FOR MURICA TO SHOW EVERBODY ELSE THAT THEY SUCK. AND OUR USA GUY MEGAN WITH THE PURPLE HAIR WAS PURDY GOOD BUT I BETCHA HE COULDN’T PLAY FOR COACH CAL. NAW, COACH CAL DON’T WANT NO ‘MURICA-HATIN PURPLE HAIR REBEL PLAYIN FOR THE CATS CUZ WE DON’T ACT LIKE THAT.

OUR PLAYERS STAND FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AND DON’T CUSS ON TV LIKE THAT PURPLE HAIR GUY. KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOOD AND CLASSY, NOT LIKE KAPER-NECK OR ANY OF THEM U OF SMELL CARDINAL CONVICTS. WILDCATS IS ALL-AMERICANS EVER YEAR! LARRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS SAD WHEN YOUR MAYOR HAD TO SHUT DOWN THE LOCAL PRISON BECAUSE OF BUDGET CUTS BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE U OF SMELL COACHES DID ALL THEIR BEST RECRUITING. (laffs)

YOU CAN LAUGH AT MY FUNNY COMEDY JOKES ANYTIME YOU WANT, LARRY. (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS NOW LOST ANGELES LAKERS FANS CUZ THEY GOT THE UNIBROW, BOOGIE, AND RONDO. AND LEE-BRON JAMES IS COACH CAL’S OTHER SON SO IT’S LIKE HE’S BIG BLUE, TOO. THE LAKERS BEEN SUCKIN SO THEY CHASED AWAY MAGIC JERKSON AND THE NEW MANAGEMENT DEE-CIDED TO GO WITH THE BLUE GITS IN STRATEGY. THEY GONNA WIN IT ALL NOW! SO YOU CARDINAL BIRDS ENJOY YOUR LITTLE BASEBAW SUCCESS AND I THINK SOFTBAW, TOO, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE BIGTIME SPARTS OF FOOTBAW, BASKETBAW, AND BEIN #1 FOR PAYIN YOUR BASKETBAW COACH FOR HARDLY NEVER MAKING THE FINAL FOUR, KENTUCKY DOMMER-ATES! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

The Amy McGrath train wreck campaign is already off the rails

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After months of speculation, former Marine combat pilot Amy McGrath (Lt. Col., ret) announced that she is ready to challenge Mitch McConnell for the U.S. Senate. Her launch video was impressive but her stated campaign goals made no sense. She claimed that she is the better candidate to advance the Donald Trump agenda that she claims is being stopped by McConnell. The sycophantic Morning Joe panelists did not question that ludicrous claim.

“What’s your website?” the MSNBC panelists eagerly asked to help McGrath raise money. DeadOnArrival.com seems more appropriate.

McConnell’s team immediately shut down any thought that McGrath is a conservative. Team Mitch posted a video showing McGrath telling supporters that she’s the most progressive person in Kentucky.

Rep. John Yarmuth, Kentucky’s top Democrat, was similarly confused by the McGrath strategy to hoodwink Kentuckians into thinking that she’ll advance Trump’s agenda. He joked on the radio that he was highly offended by McGrath’s claim because he is the most Liberal person in Kentucky.

DAY TWO: Amy McGrath waffles on whether she would have voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. Hours later…FLIP FLOP.

Once again, the McGrath strategy to cozy up to Trump fans backfired. McGrath needs to stick to her true progressive beliefs and stop the charade of conservative fakery.

Kentucky Sports Radio founder Matt Jones, a Duke educated lawyer, has not ruled out a run against McGrath in the Democrat primary.

Jones has basked in the glow of multiple national profile pieces that have elevated his profile.

In defense of the campaign of McGrath, Kentucky state representative Attica Scott published a passionate takedown of Mitch McConnell’s record. Scott accuses McConnell, the most powerful man in politics, of strategically snaring government money for constituents who can help him while ignoring people of color.

Scott linked her comments to a recent POLITICO story highlighting McConnell’s massive procurements for various Kentucky projects, an unprecedented feat for any Kentucky officeholder. The POLITICO piece did not mention multiple other McConnell-led funding grants for the University of Kentucky, the Lexington airport, and others which total about $15 additional million.

A small, poor state with 8 electoral votes is somehow prioritized for massive government grants. That is not really seen as a problem for the majority of Kentucky residents. Therein lies the problem for anyone who challenges Senator Mitch McConnell.

Stay tuned. Just as they have been for the past 36 years, Kentucky’s Democrats are stirred up like a nest of hornets over McConnell’s muscle.

McGrath’s bizarre pandering and hazy vision is alienating supporters in droves. Matt Jones could make a strong run with his Kentucky Wildcats fan base allegiance, and don’t count out Attica Scott to consider launching an African American frame of reference into the 2020 contest.

For America at large, the journey between now and election day 2020 must eventually pass through Reparation Station after it clears ICE ICE BABY. Enjoy the ride, peeps.

Could Senator Matt Jones really whoop Snitch McConnell? It’s Beasman’s dream

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THE BEASMAN blackshear goes to Florida
HEY LARRRRRREEEEEE! LARRY DADGUM MINNER! (laffs) I HEARED YOU PLAYIN THAT TURRIBLE RAP MUSIC ON THE RADIO TAWKIN BOUT HOW U OF SMELL STILL GOT THEIR CHAMPERCHIPS RING! HOW STUPID IS THAT? (laffs) Y’ALL DINT WIN, YOU BIG RUM DUMMIES. (laffs) THE NC2A DONE YANKED DOWN THAT BANNER AND CHASED SLICK RICK OUTTA TOWN! Y’ALL JUST TRICKIN YOUR SELFS THANKIN YOU IS THE CHAMPEENS. NAW, YOU IS CHEATIN, STRIPPER POLE, NASTY GIRL LOVIN, PAYIN OFF RECRUIT DADDIES, NECK TATTOO, CARDINAL LOSERS. (laffs) OWN IT, LARRY! OWN IT! (laffs) OHHHHH
AND DID YOU SEE WHO WOUNT UP WINNING THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIES? THE GOOD CHRISTIAN SMART BOYS FROM VANDERSMELT! S.E.C.! S.E.C.! S.E.C.! (laffs) YEAH
OLD LOSERVILLE TRIED TO CUSS ‘EM OUT OF THE WORLD SERIES WHEN YOUR LOSERVILLE PITCHER KEPT HOLLERIN ‘F-YOU, VANDERSMELT! F-YOU! WE IS THE CARDINAL BIRDS AND WE IS F-ING SUPERSTARS! (laffs) AND OL VANDERSMELT WHOOPED LOSERVILLE AND MADE Y’ALL LOOKED LIKE SEWER MOUTH TRAILER TRASH LOSERS
ALL TAWK AND NO ACTION. I LOVED IT! (laffs) WAY TO GO VANDERSMELT! CLASS BEATS TRASH EVER TIME! VANDERSMELT IS FINE UPSTANDING YOUNG MEN WHO DON’T NEVER CUSS OR CALL OTHER TEAMS HOBOSEXUALS. NAW! JUST U OF SMELL IS THE FOULMOUTH TRASH SCHOOL AND E.S.P.N. KEPT ON SHOWIN IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER! IT WAS MY FAVORITE HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR! CLEAN CUT, ALL-AMERICAN VANDERSMELT OVERPIRES FILTHY, NECK TATTOO, FAKE CHRISTIAN CARDINAL BIRDS WHO KNEEL DOWN TO PRAY ON THE FIELD AND THEN GIT UP AND HOLLER ‘F-YOU’ AT THE OTHER TEAM, THEIR MAMAS, AND EVEN LITTLE KIDS IN THE STANDS. Y’ALL LOSERVILLE CARDINALS AIN’T GOT NO CLASS, LARRY MINNER! SO LET’S JUST ENJOY THE SUMMER AND WAIT FOR FOOTBAW TO START WHEN NOTRE DAME PUTS A BEATDOWN ON U OF SMELL TO MAKE BIG BLUE NATION HAPPY RIGHT OFF THE JUMP! (laffs) ALL I GOT TO DO THIS SUMMER IS STUFF ENVERLOPES FOR THE SENATOR MATT JONES CAMPAIGN TO BEAT SNITCH MCCONNELL. GO MATT JONES! GO MATT JONES! HE’S THE ONLY DOOKIE US CAT FANS LOVE! DADGUMMIT, ON LAST NIGHT’S DEE-BATE, THEY ALL MADE FUN OF SNITCH MCCONNELL BUT NONE OF THEM RUM DUMMY DEMMER-CRATS SAID “ELECT MATT JONES!” THAT’S WHAT THEY NEED TO DO
TAWK UP MATT JONES ON TONIGHT’S DEE-BATE. SNITCH MCCONNELL IS A DADGUM U OF SMELL FAN SO US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS DON’T WANT HIM REPPERSENTIN BIG BLUE NATION! WE WANT MATT JONES! WATCH TONIGHT CUZ I BET CRAZY BERNIE SANDERS IS GONNA DEE-MAND FREE U UH KAY TICKETS FOR EVERBODY AND MATT JONES FOR SENATOR! THE DEBATE CROWD WILL GO CRAZY! (laffs) ALL YOU FILTHY U OF SMELLERS IS CONVICTS SO YOU AIN’T ALLOWED TO VOTE ANYHOW. AND DON’T Y’ALL CARDINAL BASKETBAW LOSERS BE TEASIN NO CAT FANS ABOUT KERRY BLACKSHEAR GOIN TO FLORIDA INSTEAD OF U UH KAY. HE SUCKS! WE NEVER REALLY WANTED HIM ANYWAY. HE’S A LOSER! COACH CAL WAS JUST KIDDIN WHEN HE SAID HE WANTED HIM. COACH CAL DONE GOT THREE MORE WILDCATS IN THE NBA SO THAT’S WHY REAL STARS STILL COME TO U UH KAY. THAT’S WHY COACH CAL CHASED HIS OWN SON BRAD CALIPARI OUTTA TOWN CUZ HE SUCKS, TOO. COACH CAL AND MISSES COACH CAL TODE THEIR SON BRAD TO GO TO THE OTHER GREAT DIVISION ONE TEAM IN KENTUCKY SO WATCH FOR HIM TO SHOW UP AT BELLARMINE ANY DAY NOW! (laffs) YOU SUCK, LOSERVILLE! KEEP CUSSIN OUT OTHER TEAMS TO INSPIRE THEM TO WIN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS! WE’LL TAKE ALL THE CUSS WORDS YOU CAN THROW AT US! (laffs) I’LL SEND YOU SOME IRISH SPRING COO-PONS SO YOU CAN KEEP WARSHIN YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

The Beasman bout to Nuh-Wore-uh y’all Cards fans out

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THE BEASMAN who’s coming back?
HEY LARRY! LARRY MINNER! IT’S THAT STUPID TIME OF YEAR WHEN PEOPLE START PRE-DICTIFYING NEXT YEAR’S BASKETBAW TEAMS WITH SCIENTIFIC POs. THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS LOADED FOR NEXT YEAR SO Y’ALL U OF SMELL LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES AIN’T GOTTA PRAYER OF WHOOPIN US! (laffs) I LOVE IT! EVER YEAR, U OF SMELL IDIOTS START TAWKIN ABOUT “WAIT TIL YOU SEE NEXT YEAR’S CARDINAL BIRDS TEAM!” (laffs) AND THEN U UH KAY SMASHES YOUR FACE IN AGAIN AND Y’ALL SNAGGLE TOOTH, NECK TATTOO, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, GRAFITTI PAINTIN, WHISKEY FOR BREAKFAST CARDINAL FOOLS START CRYIN ABOUT “WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR!” (laffs)

Brad Calipari (2018) photo: Lexington Herald Leader

BUT THE TRUTH IS COACH CAL GOT U OF SMELL’S NUMBER. DON’T MATTER IF IT’S THE I-TALIAN RESTRUNT SEX ADDICT WHO’S COACHIN OR LITTLE TOWN BALDY MACK WHO’S COACHIN OR EVEN DENNY DUMMY
U UH KAY IS YOUR DOMMERATOR, YOU LITTLE BROTHER NOBODY FOOLS! (laffs) EVEN COACH’S BOY BRAD CALIPARI KNOWS HE AIN’T FIT TO HANG WITH U UH KAY SO HE’S GOIN SOMEWHERE’S ELSE. BUT WHEREVER BRAD GOES IT’LL BE BETTER THAN LOSERVILLE. I HEARED YOU IDIOTS A LITTLE WHILE AGO TAWKIN ABOUT JORDAN NUH-WORA COMIN BACK. (laffs) SO WHAT! HE SUCKS AND SO DOES STEVEN E-NOCKED-UP! (laffs)

AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH NUH-WORA’S NAME? IT STARTS WITH A N BUT THEN WE POSED TO SAY WORE-UH. IS HIS MAMA DEE-LITERATE? (laffs) IT DON’T MATTER WHAT HE CALLS HISSELF
THE NBA DON’T WANT HIM SO HIM AND THAT E-NOCKED-UP GUY HAD TO CRAWL BACK TO BALDY MACK AND BEG TO STAY IN SCHOOL. CUZ ONCE YOU LEAVE U OF SMELL, THE NEXT STEP IS TO DEE-LIVER PIZZAS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE SO WHY WOULDN’T YOU WANNA STAY IN SCHOOL WITH STRIPPERS AND SEX PARTIES! (laffs)

WUZZUP WITH THAT NEW PO? SOME IDIOT LISTS U OF SMELL AS #2 IN THE PRESEASON PO BEHIND MICHERGAN STATE. (laffs) AND HE GOT DUKE #3 AND U UH KAY #4. WHAT A JOKE! LOSERVILLE IS RANKED AHEAD OF KENTUCKY AND DUKE? (laffs) LOSERVILLE AIN’T GOT NOTHIN BUT A BUNCH OF RETREADS WHO COULDN’T BEAT NOBODY LAST YEAR AND FADED OUT OF THE NC2A TOURNEYMINT WHEN BABY PITINO TRASHED YOU. (laffs)

Dwayne Sutton (24) and Jordan Nwora (33) defend against Notre Dame (March 3, 2019)

SO NOW Y’ALL GOT THE SAME GUYS AND YOU ADD IN ONE IRISH GUY AIDAN NICKELBACK. (laffs) WHAT’S HE DO? SING BAD SONGS WHILE HE MISSES ALL HIS FREE THROWS? (laffs) JUST GIVE UP, LOSERVILLE. YOU KNOW YOU IS THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS LITTLE BROTHERS FOREVER. COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – COACH CAL DONE CONVINCED THE NBA TO LET US KEEP SUPERSTAR WILDCATS NICK RICHARDS AND EJ MONTGOMERY. THE NBA DINT WANT TO BUT COACH CAL TODE THE NBA THAT WE DONE GIVE YOU MOST OF THE PROS YOU GOT NOW SO LET US KEEP THESE TWO SO THAT U UH KAY CAN WIN IT ALL IN THE NC2A.

via Twitter

THEM NBA OWNERS IS SAD TO NOT GIT A CHANCE TO SCOOP UP NICK AND EJ BUT THEY KNOW THEY GOT TO KEEP KENTUCKY HAPPY SO HERE WE GO, CAT FANS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! THIS HERE NEXT KENTUCKY WILDCATS TEAM IS GONNA PLAY ALL ITS EXER-BITION GAMES AGAINST NBA TEAMS AND MAYBE EVEN THE NBA ALL-STAR TEAM JUST TO GIT THE CATS SOME COMPERTITION! KENTUCKY IS GONNA BE ALL-WORLD THIS YEAR AND NOT LOSE TO NO TENNERSEE FRAUDS LIKE WE DONE LAST YEAR WHEN THEM REFFERMARIES WAS OUT TO GIT US.

MATTER OF FACT, COACH CAL SAYS AFTER WE WHOOP TENNERSEE REAL GOOD DOWN IN KNOXVILLE THIS SEASON, WE GONNA DRIVE OUR KENTUCKY TEAM BUS RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF THE TENNERSEE PLAYERS’ ILLEGAL FREE CARS OUT IN THE PARKING LOT. (laffs) SMASH ‘EM LIKE WE’S IN A MONSTER TRUCK SHOW! THAT’S WHAT YOU TENNERSEE HILLBILLY PRISON ARNGE WEARING FRAUDS DEE-SERVE AFTER EMBARRASSING THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS LAST YEAR. AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) #4 IN THE PO WITH U OF SMELL #2 AHEAD OF US. THAT PO GUY MUST BE SNIFFIN THE MARIJUANA AGAIN! AIN’T NOTHIN BUT KENTUCKY GLORY AHEAD! MATT JONES IS GONNA BE A SENATOR AND COACH CAL IS GONNA BE THE NEXT GOVERNOR AFTER THE CATS WIN IT ALL AGAIN! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

SADDEST KENTUCKY NIGHT EVER? Cats and Cards toasted at the final buzzer

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THE BEASMAN uk and u of smell torched at the buzzer
(cry) I AIN’T HAD A WINK OF SLEEP, LARRY MINNER. (cry) IT FINE-LEE STOPPED RAININ BUT NOW THE EN-TIRE STATE OF KENTUCKY IS DROWNIN IN OUR OWN TEARS. (cry) WHY? WHY? WHY? (cry) THIS CAINT BE HAPPENIN TO US GOOD AND CLASSY BIG BLUE NATION FANS. (cry) COACH CAL GOT TO GO. HE DONE LOST THAT PRIZE REE-CRUIT TO DADGUM JARJUH ON MONDEE AND THEN THE CATS GIT JOBBED AT THE BUZZER LAST NIGHT CUZ THEM REFFERMARIES AIN’T AFRAID OF COACH CAL NO MORE. (cry)

LARRY
I DON’T WHETHER TO POOTY MY PANTS OR WIND MY WATCH. DADGUMMIT, STICK A FARK IN COACH CAL – US BIG BLUE FAITHFUL IS DONE WITH HIS WEAK SAUCE COACHIN AT THE END OF GAMES! HE SUCKS! WHY DID THE CATS LET THAT CROOKED TEETH L.S.WHO NOBODY GUARD DRIBBLE STRAIGHT TO THE BUCKET WITH 4 SECONDS LEFT? (cry) HOW IN THE WORLD THEM REFFERMARIES DON’T CALL THAT GOALTENDERIZIN’ I DON’T KNOW. (cry)

WE IS THE CATS! AIN’T NO CROCKER-DILE EATIN, STINKY ARMPIT, FRENCH FROG CAJUN BOBBY BOO-SHAY LOOZ-EE-ANNA INBRED L.S.WHO NOBODIES POSED TO BEAT NO U UH KAY IN RUMP ARENER. (cry) BUT OLD MAN COACH CAL – HE GONE SEE-NILE! HE JUST TURNT 60 SO HE’S WARSHED UP – COACH CAL SETTIN THERE LETTIN THE STRIPE SHIRT GUYS GIT AWAY WITH IT. (cry)

DADGUMMIT, ADOLPH RUPP WOULDA GONE OUT THERE AND RIPPED THE REF’S HEAD OFF AND SPIT DOWN HIS NECK HOLE TIL SOMEBODY CALLED IT GOALTENDERIZIN! (cry) OH LARRY. AND I COULDN’T DEE-CIDE IF I WANTED THEM ROTTEN DUKIES TO WIN AT LOSERVILLE OR FOR U OF SMELL TO HUMILFY COACH RAT FACE SHITSHETSKI. Y’ALL DUMB CARDINAL BIRDS HAD ‘EM ON THE ROPES AND THEN COACH SHIT-SHETSKI HOLLERED AT THEM REFFERMARIES AND SO THEY STARTED CALLIN ALL KINDA FOULS ON LOSERVILLE TO HELP DUKE GIT BACK IN IT. (cry)

BUT DADGUMMIT IT DINT MAKE ME HAPPY. I HATE LOSERVILLE BUT I HATE DUKE EVEN MORE SO IT WAS A BAD NIGHT ALL AROUND. LOSERVILLE WAS POSED TO GIT STOMPED BY THE DUKIES BUT INSTEAD THE CARDINAL BIRDS LOOKED LIKE THEY WAS HALFWAY RESPECTACLE AND SO NOW Y’ALL PROBLEE GONNA GIT IN THE BIG DANCE INSTEAD OF THE N.I.T. WHERE YOU BLONG. (cry)

IT AIN’T NO HAPPY TIME IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, LARRY MINNER. OLD BALDY MACK DONE GOT U OF SMELL PLAYIN PURDY GOOD AFTER PITINO LEFT A DUMPSTER FIRE. US CAT FANS DON’T LIKE THAT. (cry)

AND NOW U UH KAY IS LOOKIN WOBBLY WITH #1 TENNERSEE COMIN TO TOWN. (cry) IF THE WILDCATS LOSE TO TENNERSEE IN RUMP ARENER THEN BIG BLUE NATION GONNA LOSE ITS MIND WITH A HOME LOSIN STREAK. COACH CAL GONNA FIND ALL HIS FURNITURE IS PACKED SO WE CAN CHASE HIM OUTTA LEXINUN WITH TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS. I THINK IT’S TIME FOR REX CHAMPMAN AND KINNY SKY WALKER TO BE THE CO-COACHES OF U UH KAY AND SAVE US BEFORE MARCH MADNESS. (cry)

AND NOW I HEAR TELL THE DEMMER-CRAT PARTY DONE TURNT ON MATT JONES SO HE AIN’T GONNA BE ABLE TO BEAT SNITCH MCCONNELL, A BIGTIME LOSERVILLE SUPPORTER. INSTEAD THEY GONNA GIT AMY MCGRATH, THE GIRL COMBAT PILOT TO RUN AGAINST SNITCH. WELL SHE ALREADY LOST A CONGRESS RACE TO ANDY BARR, A GUY WITH THE PERSONALITY OF A STORE MANNEQUIN SO SHE AIN’T GOT A SHOT AT BEATIN SNITCH. THIS HERE IS THE WORST WEEK EVER, LARRY MINNER! AIN’T NOTHIN GOIN U UH KAY’S WAY! (cry)

IF I HAD A TIME MACHINE I WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK TO THE HAPPIEST TIME IN U UH KAY HISTREE
THE DAY THE NC2A YANKED DOWN LOSERVILLE’S CHAMPERCHIPS BANNER. BUT LOOK AT US NOW. TWO YEARS LATER AND US G-G-G-G-GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCATS DONE GOT OUR HEARTS YANKED OUT AND STOMPED ON BY THEM CROSS-EYED CAJUNS. (cry)

LOOK OUT, TENNERSEE. IF Y’ALL BEAT US SAIRDEE NIGHT, US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA BOARD OUR GIANT ARK AND COME DOWN THERE TO DEE-STORY THE WHOLE STATE OF TENNERSEE. YEAH! WE GONNA SMASH ALL THE BANJOS SO CAINT NOBODY PLAY ROCKY TOP NO MORE. WE GONNA BURN DOWN DOLLYWOOD AND THEN DRIVE THE CHATTERNOOGA CHOO CHOO OFF A BRIDGE. THIS HERE AIN’T NO TIME TO POKE THE CATS! JUST DO LIKE YOU DONE FOR THE PAST FARTY YEARS
LAY DOWN AND LET THE CATS DOMMERATE YOU. IT’S THE WAY GOD WANTS IT. EVEN HE WAS CRYIN OVER THAT MISSED GOALTENDERIZIN CALL.

Silence of the NCAA – death penalty, where is thy sting?

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The week passes without an official notice from the NCAA on whether the University of Louisville’s appeal of sanctions will be honored. All speculation is that the NCAA will affirm the original sanctions that include nullifying the 2013 men’s basketball national championship, the 2012 Final Four appearance, and return of monies earned by the school for any games where ineligible players performed. Ineligibility was assigned to any player who had received sexual favors during a three year period where alleged prostitute Katina Powell provided women to players, recruits, and recruit chaperones.

Pro tip: that’s not how you scrub the internet

But the NCAA’s silence doesn’t keep The Beasman quiet.

RADIO SKETCH JANUARY 26, 2018

Joe B Hall and Terry Meiners, Rupp Arena, February 2017

YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU TRAITOR TURNCOAT WILDCAT BACKSTABBER. I HEAR YOU ON THERE SMIRKIN AND ACTIN LIKE IT’S A HAP-HAP-HAPPY DAY! THIS AIN’T NO TIME FOR JOSHIN, YOU CROSS-EYED RED BELLY FRAUD! THE NC2A COMIN TO TOWN TO DROP THE HAMMER ON YOUR POINTY HEAD, STRIPPER POLE SWINGIN, PROSTERTUTE, TOOTHBRUSH STEALIN CARDINAL CONVICTS!

YOU BETTER STOP CHUCKLIN ON THESE HERE DARK DEE-PRESSION DAYS IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, YOU SNAGGLE TOOTH, BALD HAIRED, BACKWARDS CAP, RAP MUSIC, SAGGY PANTS, TOOTHLESS, BRAINLESS U OF SMELL BOOTLICKER.

THE OTHER DAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY I GOT SICK TO MY STOMACH LISSENIN AT PEOPLE KISS YOUR KEISTER AND SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. AIN’T NO WILDCAT FAN LIKES YOUR BIRTHDAY. WE IS ALL WAITIN FOR YOUR O-BIT-YER-MARY WHEN YOU DIE, YOU LOUDMOUTH, SLICK RICK BUTTKISSER. EVEN IF WE WON THE OTHER NIGHT, U UH KAY DONE LOSTED TOO MANY GAMES AND NOW WE GOT TO GO INTO WEST VIRGINNY AND FACE BOB THUGGINS AND HIS MOUNTAIN QUEERS. EVEN MATT JONES SAYS WE PROLEE AINT GONNA WIN TOMORRY SO THIS PERIOD AIN’T HAPPY FOR NOBODY IN BIG BLUE NATION. AIN’T NOBODY LIKES YOU GIGGLIN WHEN THE CATS LOSE.

Tony Vanetti, Terry Meiners, Matt Jones (November 2015)

WE WANT MATT JONES ON THE RADIO TO GUIDE US THROUGH THESE DESPERATE DAYS, NOT NO SNICKERIN LARRY MINNER WHAT’S MAWKIN BIG BLUE PAIN. MATT JONES IS A TRUE BLUE KENTUCKY TREASURE CUZ HE LOVES THE CATS AND MOCKS CARDINAL BIRDS. LARRY, U UH KAY IS WHAT MAKES KENTUCKY GREAT AND SO WE GOTTA GIT THE CATS FIXED. DADGUMMIT, WHAT ABOUT COACH CAL. IS HE A FRAUD? WAS HE PLANTED HERE BY U OF SMELL TO WRECK THE WILDCAT DYNASTY? WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS COACH CAL TAWKIN ABOUT SAYIN HE WAS HAPPY THAT THE CATS LOST TO FLORIDER? IS HE GONNA JOIN THE WEST VIRGINNY CHEERLEADERS TOMORRY AND DO SUMMER SAULTS IF WE GIT BEHIND? DADGUMMIT! TRUE BLUE WILDCATS AIN’T NEVER HAPPY LOSIN TO NOBODY, COACH CAL. DID YOU FALL AND HIT YOUR HEAD? YOU TAWKIN CRAZY!

LARRY, WHY DON’T YOU AST YOUR BOYFRIEND GOVERNOR MATT BLEVINS TO FLY ALL THE FLAGS AT HALF STIFF. TELL GOVERNOR BLEVINS TO QUIT TAWKIN ABOUT PENSIONS AND BUDGETS AND GIT FRANKFORT WORKIN ON FIXIN THE WILDCATS. AMERICA NEEDS THE GOOD CATS, NOT NO FLOPPIN, FADIN, LOSIN STREAK CATS. SEND IN THE NATIONAL GUARD. THIS HERE IS A NATURAL DISASTER TO HAVE U UH KAY STRUGGLIN. TELL GOVERNOR BLEVINS HE CAN CUT ALL THE PROGRUMS HE WANTS BUT SPEND EVERTHANG HE GOT TO GIT THE WILDCATS WINNIN AGIN. HIRE LEE-BRON JAMES AS ASSISTANT HEAD COACH. GIT STEPH CURRY TO TEACH OUR CATS HOW TO SHOOT. DON’T MATTER WHAT IT COSTS – U UH KAY WINNIN IS OUR TOP PRIORITY. NOT ILLITERACY OR TEENAGE DRUG DEATHS OR POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH IN-SHORE-UNCE.

NOPE. OUR #1 PRIORITY IS GITTIN THE WILDCATS TO THE FINAL FOUR AND COACH CAL IS LIKE KIM JONG UM THROWIN A NUKE-U-LAR BOMB AT OUR CHANCES. WAKE UP, COACH CAL! U UH KAY STUDENTS WILL GO WITHOUT FOOD AND LECTRICITY IF WE NEED THAT MONEY TO PAY THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS TO SHOW THE CATS HOW TO HIT HALF COURT SHOTS AND BOUNCE BALLS OFF REFFERMARIE HEADS THAT GO IN THE BASKET. LET’S FIX THE WILDCATS AND THEN WE CAN START TO CARE ABOUT DEAD TEENAGE DRUG ADDICTS AND GANG MURDERS AND STUFF. AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! AND YOU’LL GIT YOURS, LARRY! DEEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH PENALTY! TAKE DOWN THAT FRAUD BANNER AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER WITH MO-HAMMER ALI’S OLYMPIC MEDAL. AND IF COACH CAL DON’T SHAPE UP AND WIN THE REST, WE’LL THO HIM IN THE RIVER TOO. KINNY SKY WALKER IS READY TO STEP IN AND LEAD THESE CATS! GO BLUE! GO CATS! GO BIG BLUE! THIRTY FIVE & FIVE! THIRTY FIVE & FIVE! THIRTY FIVE & FIVE!