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The Beasman: Virginny brings misery on Main Street to Suckville

Posted on March 2, 2018 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

THE BEASMAN va shocks Louisville – radio sketch Friday, March 2, 2018

(laffs) I’M STILL LAUGHIN ABOUT THE VIRGINNY GUY HITTING THE THREE AT THE BUZZER TO BEAT LOSERVILLE. OH LARRY. (laffs) YOU GOT TO ADMIT THAT WAS A BIGGER LONGSHOT THAN KIM JONG UN SHOOTIN A NUKE-U-LAR MISSILE AND HITTIN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY RIGHT ON THE HEAD. (laffs) ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS KINDA HOPIN Y’ALL WOULD BEAT VIRGINNY SO WE COULD SAY WE BEAT Y’ALL BY 30 AND Y’ALL BEAT #1 SO THAT MEANS KENTUCKY IS THE BEST. (laffs) BUT THAT’S OK…IT WAS STILL FUN WATCHIN ALL THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS CRY THEIR CROCKER-DOW TEARS THINKIN THEY WAS ABOUT TO BE SOMEBODY. BUT YOU AIN’T.

WHEN YOU WOKE UP TODAY YOU CARDINAL CONVICTS HAD TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE WHAT YOU SEE EVER DAY: A LOSER. Y’ALL HAD VIRGINNY RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT ‘EM BUT YOUR DUMB BUNNY PLAYERS FOULT A GUY BEHIND THE THREE POINT LINE. THEN YOUR GUY DING DONG DELL DID THE HARLEM SHUFFLE A-DANCIN BEHIND THE END LINE SO THEM VIRGINNY PEOPLE GOT THE BAW WITH LESS THAN A SECOND ON THE CLOCK AND DOWN TWO POINTS. BUT RUM DUMMY LOSERVILLE JUST STANDS THERE AND LETS THE VIRGINNY GUY THROW UP A PRAYER AND HE BANKS IT IN FOR THE WIN. (laffs) US KENTUCKY WILDCAT FANS LAUGHED AND PLAYED OUR BANJOES ALL NIGHT LONG.

THAT WAS AWESOME! LOSERVILLE FELT REAL GOOD ABOUT THEIRSELFS FOR MOST OF THAT GAME AND THEN VIRGINNY RIPPED THAT SCAB OFF THEIR TATTOOED NECKS AND GIVE ‘EM A JOLT OF PAIN THEY AIN’T NEVER GONNA FORGIT. SAY IT WITH ME, LARRY! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! N.I.T.! YOU CARDINAL CRIMINALS HAVE HAD A REAL GOOD YEAR. THEY FIRED SLICK RICK AND REPLACED HIM WITH BOY PADGETT WHO CAINT CATCH A BREAK. THEN Y’ALL HAD TO TAKE DOWN THAT FRAUD BANNER AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER WITH MOHAMMER ALI’S OLYMPIC MEDAL. AND SO NOW YOU IS ON THE BUBBLE BUT IF YOU BEAT #1 VIRGINNY THEN YOU IS GONNA MAKE MARCH MADNESS. BUT….WHOOPS! THE WAHOOS DONE PULT THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER YOU WITH A BRILLIANT FINISH AND NOW U OF SMELL CAN PACK THEIR GUILTY BAGS UP FOR A QUICK VISIT TO THE N.I.T.! I LOVE IT! I GUESS YOU AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK WAS WATCHIN UP ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. WAS YOU RUBBIN SHOE POLISH ON HIS BALD SPOT AND TELLIN HIM HOW GREAT HE IS, LARRY? I BETCHA SLICK RICK LOVED IT THAT BOY PADGETT COULDN’T BEAT NO BIGTIME TEAMS THIS YEAR CUZ THAT MEANS THE FANS WILL CALL FOR SLICK RICK TO COME BACK.

Coach Padgett addresses media following game against Virginia. https://t.co/TBAX9sp5sh

— Louisville Basketball (@LouisvilleMBB) March 2, 2018

BUT THAT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN CUZ THEM TWO PUMP CHUMPS GRISSOM AND POSTEL SAYS THEY IS PRESSURE WARSHIN ALL THE SCUM OUT OF U OF SMELL AND THEY DON’T WANT NO SLICK RICK OR TOMMY TURTLENECK COMIN BACK. IT’S OVER FOR Y’ALL CRIMINAL CARDINAL BIRDS.

via WDRB.com

JUST STAY IN N.C.2.A. PRISON AND WATCH YOUR KENTUCKY WILDCATS LIGHT IT UP FOR MARCH MADNESS. FLORIDER IS GOIN DOWN TO THE CATS, THEN WE GONNA WIN THE S.E.C., AND THEN WE GONNA BOWL OVER ANYBODY THAT GITS IN OUR WAY IN THE MARCH MADNESS.

That moment when you realize it's March. pic.twitter.com/xrZOAibMZW

— Kentucky Basketball (@KentuckyMBB) March 1, 2018

LARRY, Y’ALL BE SURE TO PAY YOUR CABLE BILL AT THE LOCAL WHOREHOUSE SO YOUR CARDINAL PLAYERS DON’T MISS NONE OF U UH KAY’S EXCITING MARCH MADNESS VICTREES! AND AFTER WE WIN A NEW BANNER, WE’LL ASK THE N.C.2.A. TO GIVE US A EXTRA ONE SO WE CAN HANG THAT BEAUTIFUL BLUE BANNER UP IN THE YUM YUM RAFTERS WHERE Y’ALL SEEM TO HAVE A VACANCY!

(laffs) POOR LARRY. HE WAS JUMPIN UP AND DOWN THINKIN HIS CARDINAL HAS BEENS WAS GONNA FINALLY HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS BUT…PSYCH! THAT VIRGINNY GUY HITS A BOMB AND SUDDENLY CARDINAL TOWN TURNS BACK INTO SUCKVILLE. I HOPE SOMEBODY PUTS UP BILLBOARD TELLIN YOU TO GIT OUTTA TOWN AND LET MATT JONES HAVE YOUR SHOW, YOU TWO BIT, CROSS EYED, SAGGY PANTS RAP MUSIC, WELFARE STAMP FRAUD! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!

Even after an absolutely devastating loss, Louisville players took time to sign autographs and pose for pictures with the younger sister of one of the Marshall County High School shooting victims. Props to them. pic.twitter.com/4xJqIeoGfw

— Mike Rutherford (@CardChronicle) March 2, 2018

The Beasman can’t stop laughing about Clemson trouncing UofL

Posted on September 19, 2017 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

THE BEASMAN cats on fire as cards fold
(unaired portion of script) THEY DISSED US, LARRY! THEY DINT SHAKE OUR HANDS SO THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS HAD TO CRUSH THEIR SOUTH CARAMALINER SOULS FOR THE FOURTH TIME IN A ROW! WE ARE UK! WE ARE BIG BLUE! KENTUCKY PROUD! STOOPS TROOPS! AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! WE LOVE US SOME KENTUCKY WILDCATS! BENNY SNELL SAID IT BEST: WE BE 3 AND OH! WE BE 3! WE BE 3! WE BE 3! I ARE A COLLEGE STUDENT! I ARE A COLLEGE STUDENT.

photos: UK athletics

GOOOOO BIG BLUE! BUT THE STOOPID TOP 25 PO STILL DON’T GOT NO U UH KAY IN IT. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS WRONG WITH THEM LUNKHEADS WHO VOTE? IS THEY ALL ON DRUGS? WELL ONCE WE BEAT UP THEM FLORIDER GATORS COME SAIRDEE NIGHT THEN WE WILL SEE WHO BLONGS IN THE TOP 25 AND WHO IS A FRAUD! WHAT A WEEKEND! CATS WIN! CATS WIN! CATS WIN! AND GAME DAY AINT NEVER COMIN BACK TO Y’ALL’S GHETTO TOWN CUZ YOU CAINT GIVE EM A GOOD GAME. CARDINALS GOT BLOWED OUT AND US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS WAS LOVIN EVER MINUTE OF IT! FIRE HONEST BOBBY! FIRE HONEST BOBBY! HIRE JEFF BROHM! HIRE JEFF BROHM! (laffs) I LOVE STIRRIN THE POT, LARRY.

Y’ALL PATHETIC U OF SMELL FANS GOT TO TAKE YOUR LUMPS AND ADMIT THAT U UH KAY IS YOUR MASTER IN FOOTBAW AND BASKETBAW! WE BEAT YOU LAST FALL AND WE BEEN ON A ROAD WINNING STREAK EVER SINCE! Y’ALL SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FANS LAUGHED AT US WHEN WE SAID BEATIN U OF SMELL IN THE PIZZA OVEN WAS THE TURNAROUND FOR U UH KAY FOOTBAW. WELL LOOK AT BOTH OF US NOW, YOU FRUIT LOOP! THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS AMERICA’S TEAM AND U OF SMELL JUST GOT ANOTHER BEATDOWN ON NATIONAL TELLERBISION.

OL LEE CORSO PUT ON THAT CARDINAL HEAD AND THE CLEMZER DINT TAKE TOO KIND TO IT. LEE CORSO MUST BE SEE-NILE! BETTER GIT HIM A FULLTIME NURSE CUZ HE’S OUTTA HIS MIND. THE ONLY THING Y’ALL DID RIGHT WAS WEAR BLACK CLOTHES BECAUSE IT WAS A CARDINAL FUNERAL! (laffs) AND POOR OL SLICK RICK PUT ON LAY-MAR JACKSON’S TIGHT JERSEY LIKE HE THUNK HE WAS A NEW YARK FASHION MODEL. WHAT A JOKE! THE ONLY PASS SLICK RICK KNOWS HOW TO THROW IS TO SOME STRUMPET TO SNEAK IN THE DARM AND COMMIT SINS WITH HIS PLAYERS.

ADMIT IT, LARRY! IT IS ALL OVER FOR YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK AND HIS SINFUL SIDEKICK BOBBY PETRINKO. Y’ALL JUST NEED TO PIRE WARSH ALL THEM CRIMINAL COACHES OUTTA YOUR GHETTO TOWN AND START OVER. I BETCHA THE STATUE OF JOHNNY UNITAS WOULDA PLAYED BETTER THAN ANYBODY ON YOUR TEAM! MEANTIME U UH KAY IS THE TOAST OF AMERICA. WE GOT US COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY. AND WE GOT US MARK STOOPS, WHO USED TO BE STOOPID BUT NOW THAT HE’S WINNIN WE ALL LOVE HIM. KENTUCKY IS THE GOLD STANDARD AND LOSERVILLE IS THE MOLD STANDARD. Y’ALL IS CRUSTY, MOLDY, TIRED HAS BEENS THAT IS THE LAUGHING STOCK OF AMERICA.

photo: UofL athletics

PUT ME ON HODE FOR THE MARK STOOPS CALL-IN SHOW. HE TAWKS TO HIS FANS WHILE BOBBY PETRINKO DON’T TAKE NO CALLS AND GITS AST QUESTIONS THAT HIS STAFF MEMBERS WRITE IN ADVANCE. LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL! U UH KAY GONNA FINALLY WHOOP FLARIDER AND ALL THE CURSES WILL BE AS DEAD AS LOSERVILLE’S 2013 BANNER! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! TAKE IT DOWN! YOU SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, WHISKEY FOR BREAKFAST, FOULMOUTH, STINKBREATH, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, UNCHRISTIAN, UNHINGED, UNAMERICAN SCUMBAG U OF SMELL THUGS IS FINALLY GITTIN WHAT’S COMIN TO YOU….A BIG, FAT TRIP TO NOBODYLAND.

GAME DAY AINT COMIN BACK. BOWL BIDS AINT COMIN BACK. MARCH MADNESS AINT COMIN BACK. THE ONLY THING COMIN BACK TO LOSERVILLE IS NC2A INVESTERGATORS BRINGIN A BIG TALL LADDER TO CLIMB UP IN THE DEADBEAT YUM YUM ARENER TO CUT DOWN THAT FAKE NEWS BANNER, AND THEN THEY GONNA REPO THAT FRAUD HEISMAN TROPHY! BETTER SET YOUR GPS FOR BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, LARRY.

YOU AND YOUR TIGHT JERSEY WEARIN BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK ABOUT TO GIT RUN OUTTA TOWN WORSE THAN CLEMZER DONE TO YOUR OVERRATED FOOTBAW TEAM. BETTER PUT SOME FRESH LIGHTBULBS IN YOUR SCOREBOARD FOR NEXT SAIRDEE WHEN Y’ALL GIT TROUNCED BY CUPCAKE STATE! AWWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH!

Cards top Cats 73-70 guaranteeing Blue Christmas

Posted on December 22, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

UofL played a terrific game against a talent-heavy Kentucky squad, relieving pressure on what’s been a lopsided rivalry. Big win for Louisville. Great night for Quentin Snider & Deng Adel vs UK’s vaunted guard tandem of Malik Monk and De’Aaron Fox.

Quentin Snyder evades Malik Monk in Cards victory. (photo by Matt Stone, the Courier-Journal)

My radio buddy The Beasman isn’t happy about his Cats, his Coach, or his Christmas.

Malik Monk gets an earful from John Calipari (photo by Lexington Herald Leader)

Along with Heisman Trophy winner Lamar Jackson, Louisville Ballard alum Quentin “Q” Snider both became the toasts of the holiday season on Planet Red.

One little Q down in Louville knew…
this Christmas would not be blue#L1C4 pic.twitter.com/RqR8d6Eqn2

— Terry Meiners (@terrymeiners) December 22, 2016

THE BEASMAN cats lose to cards
(sad with sniffles) MAYBE COACH CAL SHOULDA STOLE YOUR PLAYBOOK, YOU BUNCH OF CROSS-EYED, TWO-BIT, GOD-HATIN LOSERVILLE SCUM. I JUST CAINT BLEEVE IT, LARRY, I JUST CAINT. I HOPE YOU AND YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK IS PROUD OF YOURSELFS.…AIN’T NO MERRY CHRISTMAS ACROSS KENTUCKY NOW.

Jaylen Johnson is feeling it

NOBODY GOT NO SLEEP LAST NIGHT. LITTLE WILDCAT CHILDREN IS CRYIN IN THEIR MAMA’S ARMS, THINKIN SANTY CLAUS DONE TURNT ON BIG BLUE NATION. GROWED MEN IS SETTIN BY THEIR POT BELLY STOVES WONDERIN IF COACH CAL IS WARSHED UP. COON DOGS IS HIDIN FROM GITTIN KICKED. WILDCAT WIVES DONE FALLED OUT OF LOVE WITH COACH CAL. U UH KAY FANS IS TAKIN DOWN THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AND JUST HOPIN THAT MARCH MADNESS WILL HURRY UP AND GIT HERE. AIN’T NO HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS TO BE HAD IN KENTUCKY NOW.

Deng Adel had a big night against Kentucky

(get fired up) DADGUMMIT, THAT WILDCAT MALIK MONK WAS POSED TO BE THE NEW MICHAEL JORDAN! WELL HE SUCKED AGAINST U OF SMELL, SHOOTIN LIKE STEVIE WONDER AND LETTIN THAT LITTLE WHITE BOY LEVITCH KEEP HIM IN CHECK. DADGUMMIT, THAT’S LIKE GITTIN GUARDED BY THE JOHNNY UNITAS STATUE. BUT MONK COULDN’T GIT IT DONE. MAYBE THAT WAS A IM-POSTER OUT THERE WEARIN NUMBER 5 CUZ THAT SURE WEREN’T THE GUY WE SEEN AGIN NARTH CARAMALINER! AND DEE-RON FOX WEREN’T NO GOODER.

Sean Jarboe and Terry Meiners celebrate UofL’s victory over UK in suite 71 at the Yum Center, December 21, 2016

FOX COULDN’T GUARD A CLOSET DOOR AND DINT SCORE ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR MONK THE FLUNK. I THUNK YOU SAID DEE-RON FOX WAS LIGHTNIN IN A BOTTLE! HE’S MORE LIKE MOLASSES IN A BOTTLE. THEM U UH KAY GUARDS WAS TURRIBLE AND U OF SMELL’S LITTLE GUY LOOKED ALL-WORLD.

Louisville Ballard product Quentin Snider was on fire against Kentucky

THAT QUINLEN SNIDER MADE BASKETS LIKE HE NEVER DONE BEFORE. COACH CAL SHOULDA HAD BIG OL DEREK WILLIS OUT THERE POPPIN QUINLIN SNIDER UPSIDE THE HEAD BUT NAWWW, CAL JUST LET HIM KEEP ON SHOOTIN. BIG OL BAM WAS POST TO BE THE DOMMERATOR BUT THAT EGYPTIAN FELLER WITH THE TOUPEE HELD HIS OWN. I MEAN BAM GOTTA COUPLE OF DUNKS BUT HE SHOULDA HAD ABOUT A HUNDERD MORE. THE EGYPTIAN FELLER’S HAIR NEVER GOT MESSED UP THE WHOLE TIME SO I GUESS BAM DINT RUFFLE HIM. AND BRISCOE IS A FRAUD. GIT HIM OUTTA THERE. AND THAT WENYAN FUNYON ONION OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS CAINT PLAY A LICK, NEITHER.

Rick Pitino

COACH CAL IS PICKIN UP BAD RECRUITS THESE DAYS. KENTUCKY NEEDS TO GO OUT THERE AND FIND THE NEW COW MACYS AND THE NEW SAM BOWIES INSTEAD OF THESE SISSY PRETENDERS WE GOT RIGHT NOW. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL AM I GONNA DO FOR CHRISTMAS CHURCH SERVICE? MY PREACHER IS GONNA BE TAWKIN ABOUT CHRISTMAS MIRACLES AND I’LL BE CUSSIN BACK THAT GOD DONE SMITED U UH KAY. WE DINT GIT NO MIRACLE. WE GOTTA LUMP OF COAL! NOW I’M THINKIN ABOUT U UH KAY GOIN TO THE N.I.T. INSTEAD OF TARMINTIN U OF SMELL IDIOTS LIKE I USUALLY DO.

UofL radio boys Terry Meiners and Tony Vanetti taunt UK fangirl Kelsey Starks during championship week 2013 when ALL employees were directed to wear red.

DADGUMMIT, US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAINT EVEN COME OUT OF THE HOUSE TIL THE BO GAMES NOW OR ELSE WE GONNA GIT TEASED BY BOOZE-BREATH CARDINAL LOUDMOUTHS CALLIN US OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED! MEANTIME ALL THESE GANG BANG, SNAGGLE TOOTH U OF SMELL SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, BACKWARDS CAP, NECK TATTOO, WELFARE QUEEN, OBAMA PHONE, GUN TOTIN, THUG WANNABE LOSERVILLE CARDINAL BIRD FANS IS OUT THERE LAUGHING THEIR HO, HO, HO, HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS, DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF JOLLY. AIN’T NO FA LA LA LA LAAAA’ING IN WILDCAT COUNTRY.

THANKS FOR NOTHIN, COACH CAL. YOU MIGHT AS WELL PAINT YOUR FACE GREEN AND BE THE U UH KAY GRINCH NOW THAT OUR SEASON IS RUINT AND WE CAINT EVEN ENJOY U OF SMELL’S SCANDALS OR STOOPS TROOPS WINNIN THE FOOTBAW GAME. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS WHO WINS THE BASKETBAW GAME AND SO NOW U UH KAY FANS GOT TO DO THE WALK OF SHAME. YOU SUCK, COACH CAL. AND GIT RID OF THAT LOSERVILLE REJECT KENNY PAYNE AS ASSISTANT COACH. HE’S TURNIN YOU INTO A U OF SMELL RUM DUMMY. CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED. AND IF YOU DON’T RUN THE TABLE THE REST OF THE WAY, SO IS YOUR CONTRACT.

Stay away from this guy for a few weeks.

Watch this edited version of the entire game in only 20 minutes. Nice going, Cardinals! #L1C4

The Beasman: God smites Cards for playbook theft, Cats shock the world

Posted on November 27, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

radio scripts for Monday, November 28, 2016

THE BEASMAN #1 it’s over
OH BOO HOO HOOOOO! KEEP CRYIN’ YOUR CARDINAL TEARS…THEY’RE DELICIOUS! (laffs) AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS! KEEP BURNIN THEM COUCHES, CAT FANS! THIS HERE IS BIGGER ‘EN CHRISTMAS! U UH KAY DONE SLAYED THE EVIL CARDINAL DEMONS! STEPHEN JOHNSON FOR HEISMAN! MARK STOOPS FOR S.E.C. COACH OF THE YEAR! U UH KAY WILDCATS FOR THE PLAYOFFS! BOOM WILLIAMS FOR PLAYER OF THE YEAR!

AWWWW BLUE! WHITE! BLUE! WHITE! CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) IT’S FINALLY OVER FOR YOU LOWDOWN, SAGGY PANTS, BACKWARDS CAP, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, GANG BANG, U OF SMELL CARDINAL POSERS.

YOU DONE BEEN EXPOSED BY THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS! AIN’T NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU! AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY! AIN’T NO ARNGE BO! IT ALL WENT UP IN SMOKE WHEN THE GOOD GUYS MADE THE WORLD HONORABLE AGAIN! NO GLORY FOR THE FILTHY CARDINAL BIRD ADULTERY STRIPPER POLE ARROGANT OVERPRICED SCUMBAG SCOUNDREL UNIVERSITY.

Y’ALL IS BACK TO NOBODYLAND. PETRINKO IS A FRAUD. SLICK RICK GOT ANOTHER TEAM FULL OF QUITTERS. THE LOSERVILLE HAS BEENS…Y’ALL IS WILDCAT WANNABES. STOOPS IS THE NEW BEAR BRYANT. COACH CAL’S CATS IS #1 AND GITTIN READY TO CRUSH THE CARDINAL BIRDS AGAIN FOR CHRISTMAS! I LOVVVVVVVE IT!

(laffs) THE GOOD AND CLASSY AND HONORABLE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOIN TO A BIGTIME BO WHILE LOSERVILLE SLID ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BACKGROUND NOISE BO.

BOOGER HAD YOUR NUMBER THE WHOLE TIME. WE LOVE BOOGER! BOOGER SAID U OF SMELL IS A FRAUD AND DON’T BLONG IN NO PLAYOFFS BUT U OF SMELL KEPT CALLIN BOOGER A LIAR. BOOGER NAILED IT! WE LOVE BOOGER! CATS! CATS! CATS! HEY LARRY, IS BOBBY PETRINKO STILL DOIN A STAREDOWN WITH A REPORTER ASKIN WHY LAY-MAR JACKSON STAYS IN THE POCKET TOO LONG? WOW! HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?

BOBBY PETRINKO AND TOMMY TURTLENECK SPEND ALL THEIR TIME HATIN ON REPORTERS INSTEAD OF GITTIN THEIR TEAM READY FOR GAMES. LARRY, TELL BOBBY TO STUDY FILMS OF STOOPS TROOPS AND MAYBE THEN HIS TEAM WILL LEARN HOW TO PLAY REAL FOOTBAW INSTEAD OF JUST LETTIN LAY-MAR RUN AROUND LIKE A CHICKEN WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF. AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY IN LOSERVILLE UNLESS IT’S A STOLEN ONE IN A PAWN SHOP.

YOUR CITY IS FULL OF GUN-TOTIN, GANG BANG, VIOLENT THUGS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AT PEEWEE FOOTBAW GAMES. Y’ALL DON’T BLONG IN NO BIGTIME SPOTLIGHT LIKE U UH KAY. Y’ALL DON’T HAVE THE MANNERS TO ACT HONORABLE AND REPPERSENT THE NC2A LIKE CAT FANS DO! Y’ALL IS LIKE A PRISON EXERCISE YARD FILLED WITH SCARY, VIOLENT PEOPLE. NO GOOD CITY WANTS U OF SMELLERS COMIN TO TEAR UP THEIR TOWN, SPRAYPAINT CUSS WORDS AND THROW LIQUOR BOTTLES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THE NC2A KNOWS WHEN CAT FANS COME TO TOWN THAT WE IS FRIENDLY, GOD-FEARING PEOPLE WHO GONNA SPEND OUR MONEY AND ONLY SHOOT OUR GUNS IN SELF-DEFENSE. WE IS CHURCH-GOIN, AMERICA-LOVIN TRUMP PEOPLE AND THAT’S WHY THE NC2A GONNA GIVE US A BIGTIME BO AND SEND U OF SMELL TO SOME GHETTO TOWN LIKE DEE-TROIT OR NEW JERSEY WHERE THE MESS YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL FANS MAKE WON’T MAKE IT NO UGLIER.

SORRY BOUT YOUR LUCK, CARDINAL BIRDS BUT YOU SHOULDN’T STOLE THAT PLAYBOOK OR GOD WOULDN’T SMITED YOU LIKE ISS. MEANTIME ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS IS PACKIN FOR SOME SUNNY BO GAME IN MIAM-UH OR ARLANDO CUZ AMERICA LIKES CLEAN-CUT, CHURCH GOIN WINNERS LIKE THE CATS!

THANK YOU, GOD! AND COACH CAL SAYS Y’ALL BETTER KEEP YOUR CARDINAL CRYIN TOWELS HANDY CUZ YOU GONNA NEED ‘EM AGAIN IN THREE WEEKS WHEN THE BASKETBAW TEAM CRUSHES YOU LIKE THE FILTHY COCKROACHES YOU IS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, CARDINAL THUGS! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!

THE BEASMAN #2 big blue Christmas
HEY LARREEEE! LARRY MINNER! PLAY THAT RAP SONG Y’ALL CARDINAL FRAUDS LOVE…WEEE READY! WEEEE READY! (laffs) WELL, Y’ALL NEED TO CHANGE THAT SONG TO “WE NOT READY!” (laffs) I LOVE IT! GOOD GUYS WIN! GOOD GUYS WIN! THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOWED Y’ALL OVERRATED FRAUDS WHO OWNS THIS HERE BLUE STATE! Y’ALL IS STILL LITTLE BROTHER AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS AIN’T UNDERRATED NO MORE!

via Lexington Herald Leader

LAY-MAR JACKSON DONE THE HEISMAN TROPHY POSE AND THEN HE FUMBLED THE BALL RIGHT WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE Y’ALL WAS GONNA WIN. KARMA! DON’T BE SHOWIN OFF CUZ PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL! TRUMP IS RIGHT… AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN NOW THAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TAWKIN ABOUT THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS BEIN FOR REAL!

EVER GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT CHRISTMAS TREE IS DECORATED WITH SPORTS PAGES DEE-CLARIN “CATS WIN! CATS WIN! CATS WIN!” EVER BOOMBOX IN KENTUCKY IS PLAYIN’ ELVIS SINGIN’ (sing) “I’LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUUUUE CHRISTMAS!” (laffs) I AIN’T SLEPT A WINK SINCE SAIRDEE, LARRY!

Kevin Harned and Terry Meiners, two guys who know nothing about sports

THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DONE SHATTERED ALL YOUR PATHETIC CARDINAL DREAMS IN ONE FOOTBAW GAME AND US CAT FANS IS EATIN IT UP LIKE CHRISTMAS DINNER! OL BOBBY PETRINKO DONE RODE AWAY ON HIS LITTLE MOTOR SCOOTER TRYIN TO FIGGER OUT WHAT WENT WRONG. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WENT WRONG – YOU RUN INTO A BUZZ SAW NAMED STOOPS TROOPS!

via Pat McDonogh

YOUR ARROGANT CARDINAL BIRDS WAS DOIN THE HEISMAN POSE, TAWKIN ABOUT THE PLAYOFFS OR THE ARNGE BO, BUT NOW U OF SMELL IS LIKE THE ZIKA VIRUS. EVERBODY IS RUNNIN AWAY FROM YOU! AIN’T NO BIGTIME BO FOR YOU YOU CARDINAL HAS BEENS. Y’ALL BE LUCKY TO GIT SENT TO JEFFERSONVILLE TO PLAY AT A HIGH SCHOOL PROM.

AIN’T NO HEISMAN TROPHY FOR LAY-MAR. HE TURNS IT OVER LIKE A SHART ARDER COOK FLIPPIN FLAPJACKS! Y’ALL STINKBREATH, SNAGGLE-TOOTH CARDINAL FANS FOUNT OUT LAY-MAR JACKSON AINT QUALLERFIED TO QUARTERBACK THE TOY BOWL. NOW THE U UH KAY QB IS FOR REALZ AND HE’S THE SECOND STEVIE JOHNSON TO BREAK LOSERVILLE’S HEART. ANOTHER ONE WITH THAT NAME CRUSHED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS 9 YEARS AGO. SO THE UNIVERSITY IS OFFERING FREE TUITION TO ANYBODY WHO IS AT LEAST 6 FEET TALL AND NAMED STEVE JOHNSON.

YOU GIT A FREE RIDE AND ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS SUIT UP TO PLAY LOSERVILLE ONCE A YEAR. TUITION IS FREE AND SOME TUTOR WILL DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK. WE GONNA PUT YOUR GIANT STEVE JOHNSON ON THE JUMBOTRON THE WHOLE GAME TO SKEER THEM U OF SMELLERS INTO FOLDIN LIKE A TENT AGAIN!

via Lexington Herald Leader

I LOVE IT! HEY LARRY, WE STAYED UP BURNIN COUCHES ALL SAIRDEE NIGHT AND SUNDEE NIGHT. TONIGHT WE GONNA GO UP I-64 AND TEAR DOWN THAT BIG SIGN THAT SAYS U OF SMELL IS “MILES AHEAD.” MILES AHEAD IN WHAT? FAILURE?

TELL TOMMY TURTLENECK IF HE EVER WANTS TO WIN AGAIN THAT SIGN SHOULD SAY “LES MILES AHEAD.” IF Y’ALL HIRE HIM INSTEAD OF CRYBABY BOBBY – WHO STEALS PLAYBOOKS AND HOLLERS AT REPORTERS – THEN MAYBE LES MILES GIVE Y’ALL A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY HANG WITH KENTUCKY. AND NEXT COMES BASKETBAW. I LOVE IT!

SLICK RICK’S TABLE SCRAP REE-CRUITS GIVE UP A 22-POINT LEAD TO LOSE TO NOBODY BAYLOR WHILE COACH CAL IS CRUSHIN FOOLS BY FIDDY POINTS! LOSERVILLE IS THE HILLARY CLINTON OF SPARTS. YOU IS OLD, TIRED HAS BEENS THAT EVERBODY HATES CUZ YOU BEEN STEALIN MONEY FROM THEM FOR DECADES. HOW MUCH IS THEM LOSERVILLE TICKETS WORTH NOW! AND YOU CAINT EVEN PAY YOUR RENT IN THE FORECLOSURE YUM YUM DUM DUM ARENER!

COME ON, REPO MAN! YOU TAKE THEIR ARENER AND U UH KAY WILL TAKE THEIR HEISMAN TROPHY AND ARNGE BO AWAY FROM ‘EM! YOU SAGGY PANTS, LOUDMOUTH, ROYAL CROWN DRINKIN, ALCOHOLIC, FOULMOUTH, FOOD STAMP CASHIN, OBAMA PHONE, HANDGUN SHOOTIN CARDINAL CONVICT FANS AIN’T GITTIN NUTHIN FOR CHRISTMAS BUCEPT A HEADACHE WATCHIN U UH KAY WIN. ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

Cats stun Cards 41-38 in football reversal of fortunes

Posted on November 27, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

via WHAS11

It was a swagger switch no one anticipated…totally Trumpian in its scope.

Ever since Donald Trump won the presidential election, the football fortunes of the University of Kentucky and University of Louisville turned in completely opposite directions. UK is soaring and UofL is imploding.

Mark Stoops’ Kentucky Wildcats were 25 point underdogs coming into Louisville’s stadium for the regular season closer. Kentucky spent the season climbing out of its own rubble of unexpected early losses to eventually become bowl eligible.

Louisville was sniffing the national championship playoffs until the Houston Cougars destroyed them last week. But at least UofL quarterback Lamar Jackson remained the prohibitive favorite to win the Heisman trophy. He even struck the pose after a late touchdown to tie the game at 38 apiece.

via Pat McDonogh

Moments later, Lamar fumbled the ball and UK launched its game winning drive.

via Lexington Herald Leader

Many opined that, on this day, Kentucky’s Stephen Johnson was the bigger star quarterback on the field.

via Lexington Herald Leader

Kentucky collected the Governor’s Cup. Mark Stoops went from early season goat to Big Blue hero. And Louisville’s bowl hopes continued tumbling from playoff level through probable Orange Bowlers to now a background noise bowl sure to draw tepid response from disappointed Cards fans.

via Lexington Herald Leader

TRANSCRIPT Mark Stoops postgame comments

As for the taunts…they’re rolling in faster than I can keep up with them.

Louisville fans aren’t too shy to reply.

Louisville coach Bobby Petrino catches flack win or lose. It’s just the way of the sports culture.

Petrino wasn’t interested in media questions reflecting on Lamar Jackson’s game management.

Even worse news for Cards fans who are reeling from football’s freefall is that John Calipari will head to Louisville in three weeks with his #1 ranked Kentucky Wildcats basketball team. Gulp.

Rick Pitino’s Louisville basketball team just endured an unexpected meltdown against Baylor. 5-1 Purdue is next. Cards fans are reeling.

Cal’s undefeated Cats are soaring.

Sounds like the perfect setup for a reversal of fortunes.

Or not. Let’s just throw it up and see what happens.

The Beasman can’t bear to watch UofL thrive

Posted on February 5, 2016 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

radio sketch, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2016, 5:40 p.m.

THE BEASMAN the turnaround starts now
HAS THE WORLD GONE CRAZY? U UH KAY IS ON A LOSING STREAK AND U OF SMELL IS BUILDING THE BIGGEST FOOTBAW STADIUM IN KENTUCKY. EITHER I’M HAVING A HARRIBLE NIGHTMARE OR ELSE SOMEBODY AT U UH KAY IS ASLEEP AT THE SWITCH! WAKE UP, MITCH BARNFART! WAKE UP COACH CAL! WAKE UP, MARK STOOPID!

NOW I HEAR TELL THAT HOTSHOT WIDE RECEIVERS COACH WE JUST SNATCHED FROM U OF SMELL WAS ACTUALLY FIRED FROM LOSERVILLE CUZ HE SUCKS! AND HE DINT BRING LAMAR JACKSON WITH HIM! I THUNK THAT WAS THE WHOLE PLAN. MEMBER HOW COACH CAL HIRED MILT WAGNER BACK AT MEMPHIS JUST SO HE COULD GIT HIS SON TO PLAY FOR THEM?

DeJuan Wagner and John Calipari at Memphis

YOU DON’T HIRE SOME COACH UNLESS HE’S BRINGIN A SUPERSTAR WITH HIM AND THEN AFTER THE SUPERSTAR GOES TO THE PROS YOU FIRE THE COACH. BUT NAW, LOSERVILLE JUST PUT THEIR RECYCLING OUT TO THE CURB AND US U UH KAY DUMMIES PICK IT UP AND GAVE IT A BIG RAISE AND WE DINT GIT LAMAR JACKSON WITH IT. DADGUMMIT, WE GOT BAMBOOZLED BY THEM FILTHY CARDINAL BIRDS ONE MORE TIME! AND HOW IS WE GONNA LET THE NEW GOVERNOR ALLOW THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH CARDINAL FRAUDS TO BUILD A BIGGER, BETTER STADIUM THAN U UH KAY GOT?

THAT MATT BLEVINS WOULDN’T GOT ELECTED WITHOUT THE VOTES OF ALL THE GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS BUT THERE HE WAS THE OTHER NIGHT FROLICKING AROUND AT THE U OF SMELL GAME.

Ky. Governor Matt Bevin

WE DONE GOT BAMBOOZLED AGAIN AND ELECTED A FILTHY CARDINAL LOVER AS GOVERNOR! THIS HERE IS A CRIME AGAINST NATURE…THE NATURE THAT SAYS KENTUCKY IS ALWAYS THE BIG BROTHER AND LOSERVILLE IS THE LITTLE NOBODY GHETTO THUG SCHOOL THAT LOSES.

Lamar Jackson, recruited by Lamar Thomas

————-BUT THEY KEEP GOIN TO BOWL GAMES AND WHOOPIN THE WILDCATS AND WE JUST SET HERE AND SAY “WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR!” NO, DADGUMMIT, NO! CALLING ALL TRUE BLUE WILDCAT FANS OF U UH KAY. THE TURNAROUND STARTS NOW! DADGUMMIT, I DON’T WANNA SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE THAT CRAZY BERNIE SANDERS, BUT US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS NEED US A REVOLUTION. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, WE NEED TO GO IN THE STREETS AND SCREAM OUTSIDE OF COACH CAL’S MANSION THAT WE IS SICK & TIRED OF LOSIN, AND WE AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT NO MORE!

NO MORE LOSIN GAMES AND NO MORE LOSIN GROUND TO THEM FILTHY ROTTEN U OF SMELL CARDINAL BIRDS. FIRST OFF, I SAY WE DON’T PAY COACH CAL UNTIL THE CATS WIN. THEN WE GIVE HIM JUST THAT WEEK’S PAYCHECK. ANYTIME HE LOSES, WE DOCK HIM A MILLION DOLLARS. DADGUMMIT, THIS HERE IS KENTUCKY! WE DON’T LOSE TO NOBODIES LIKE TENNERSEE AND AUBURN. WHY IS WE PAYIN THIS GUY TO GIT US #1 RECRUITIN CLASSES THAT PLAY LIKE N.I.T. HAS BEENS?

DADGUMMIT, US CAT FANS LIKE TO TAWK TRASH ABOUT HOW GREAT THE CATS IS AND SO WHEN WE LOSE, THEN WE GOTTA HIDE IN THE HOUSE FOR THREE DAYS. WE IS KENTUCKY. WE IS POSED TO BE VINCIBLE. COACH CAL SAID NO CRYING ON THE YACHT, BUT DADGUMMIT, THE YACHT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE KENTUCKY RIVER. I SAY WE DON’T PAY MITCH BARNFART NO MORE UNTIL HE GITS NICK SABAN TO COME COACH U UH KAY. AND HE GOTTA BRING HIS WHOLE OFFENSE AND DEFENSE WITH HIM.

Nick Saban, a college football god

AND THEN LET’S FIX UP RUMP ARENER AND THE FOOTBAW STADIUM SO THEY IS BIGGER AND BETTER THAN WHAT LOSERVILLE GOTS. STEVE BESHEAR KNOWS WHERE ALL THE MONEY’S HID…AND HE’S A CAT FAN, NOT NO RED LOVIN MATT BLEVINS. AND FOR EXTRA HELP, LET’S GIT THEM GOOD KENTUCKY COAL MINE GUYS TO PAY WHATEVER MONEY IT TAKES TO GIT NICK SABAN, WITH $100 HANDSHAKES, AND POINT SHAVIN FOR GAMBLERS, AND FREE CARS AND ALL THEM OTHER THINGS THAT MADE U UH KAY GREAT BACK IN THE DAY.

The Courier Journal was forced to apologize to John Calipari for publishing this caricature of the Kentucky coach in 2014.

THE REVOLUTION STARTS NOW, CAT FANS! FEEL THE BURN! FEEL THE BURN! WILDCAT REVOLUTION STARTS NOW! Y’ALL BRING SOME 2 BY 4s AND A COUPLE TRUCKLOADS OF AMISH PEOPLE OVER TO THE FOOTBAW STADIUM TOMORRY. DADGUMMIT, WE’LL HAVE A END ZONE BARN RAISING THAT’LL GIVE US ONE MORE SEAT THAN LOSERVILLE GOTS AND WE’LL GIT IT DONE IN A DAY. YOU’RE GAY, LARRY!

The Beasman don’t like losin’ to no Little Brother Loserville

Posted on November 29, 2015 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

THE BEASMAN first call after loss
(crying) I DON’T WANNA GIT OUTTA BED, YOU BALD HAIRED, SNAGGLE TOOTH, SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN CARDINAL FRAUD. LARRY, COME OVER HERE AND JUST HOLD MY PILLER DOWN OVER MY FACE UNTIL I STOP WIGGLIN. I KEEP THINKIN I DON’T WANNA LIVE NO MORE CUZ I CAINT STAND GITTIN MOCKED BY CARDINAL LOUDMOUTHS LIKE YOU. BUT I CALLED MY PREACHER AND HE SAID IF I COMMIT SEWER-CIDE THEN I IS GOIN TO HADES WHERE I WILL SPEND ETERNITY WITH NOTHIN BUT SINFUL, DEVIL WORSHIPPIN U OF SMELL FANS, SO I GOT TO FIGGER OUT HOW TO GO ON LIVIN. PLUS I GOT A ‘SPONSOR-BILITY TO ALL THE OTHER GOOD & CLASSY CAT FANS OUT THERE TO HELP EM WHEN WE IS ALL TORE UP LIKE ISS. (cries) WE IS ALL HURTIN BAD…REAL BAD RIGHT NOW, LARRY MINNER. IT AIN’T POSED TO BE LIKE ISS. POSED TO BE US COCKY CAT FANS IS DANCIN AROUND WAGGIN OUR FINGERS IN YOUR STUPID, POINTY HEAD, RAP MUSIC CARDINAL HEADS. BUT NAW…WE DONE…WE DONE…LOSTED AGAIN TO THE MOTOR-SICLE RIDIN CHEATER NECK BRACE CRAZY MAN BOBBY PETREENER AND HIS LITTLE BROTHER CARDINAL CONVICTS. (cries)

COME ON, GOD. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US AGAIN? WHY DO YOU HATE WILDCAT FOOTBAW, GOD? WE KNOW YOU LOVE COACH CAL CUZ HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY. IF WE MAKE COACH STOOPS GO TO BABDIZ CHURCH EVER DAY WOULD YOU WAVE YOUR MAGIC GOD HANDS SO U UH KAY CAN START BEATIN LOSERVILLE IN FOOTBAW? (cries) ALL THESE POOR WILDCAT CHILRENN COULDN’T GO TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE THEY IS STILL UPSET ABOUT THE CATS LOSIN. WILDCAT LADIES IS SO SAD THEY CAINT GIT UP AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR WILDCAT FAMBLIES. AND I’M EXPECIALLY SAD ABOUT ALL THE WILDCAT FAN MEN WHO HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK TODAY AND FACE A BUNCH OF SMIRKIN, NO COUNT, SAGGY PANTS, NECK TATTOO, TRASH TAWKIN, ADULTERY-SUPPORTIN LOSERVILLE LOSER FANS. (cries) I CAINT DO IT YET, LARRY. I’M STAYIN HERE IN MY DARK ROOM UNTIL I FEEL LIKE GITTIN UP AGAIN AND FACIN JERKS LIKE YOU IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.

I WISH IT WAS LATE DEE-CEMBER AND COACH CAL WAS BEATIN SLICK RICK TODAY SO US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT FANS HAD SOMETHIN TO BE HAPPY ABOUT, BUT WE STILL GOT A MONTH TO GO BEFORE THAT HAPPENS. A WHOLE MONTH OF GLOATIN, IDIOT, BAD BREATH, HOME INCARCERATION BRACELET BREAKIN U OF SMELL FANS RUNNIN AROUND MOCKIN THE GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS DISGUSTIN. I CAINT GO ON LIVING WITH THE THOUGHT OF U OF SMELL GOIN BOWLIN WHILE U UH KAY COLLAPSES AGAIN. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF COACH CAL COULD LEAD OUR FOOTBAW TEAM TO VICTREE. I’M JUST HOPIN BASKETBAW CHEERS US UP AGAIN. I MEAN, WE DONE BEAT DUKE THIS SEASON BUT NOW IT DON’T FEEL MAGIC CUZ U OF SMELLERS IS RUNNIN AROUND LAFFIN AT OUR PAIN. YOU’RE GAY, LARRY. YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SLICK RICK BETTER KNOW THAT COACH CAL IS REALLY GONNA BRING A BEATDOWN NOW BECAUSE BOBBY NECK BRACE ADULTERY EXPERT PETREENER RUN UP THE SCORE ON STOOPS TROOPS.

YOU AND SLICK RICK BETTER RE-TIRE AND RUN OFF TO GAY ISLAND SO YOU DON’T GOT TO FEEL THIS KINDA PAIN I’M FEELIN NOW. COME ON, GOD. STEP UP AND GO “ALL IN” WITH U UH KAY. RIGHT NOW YOU IS JUST A HALFWAY GOD WHO HELPS COACH CAL RECRUIT AND COACH BUT STOOPS CAINT COACH US OUTTA WET PAPER SACK. BE A FULLTIME BIG BLUE GOD, NOT SOME PART-TIMER GOD WHO JUST HELPS US WITH BASKETBAW. ALL IN, GOD. ALL IN! I’M GONNA TAKE SOME MORE MICHAEL JACKSON GAS AND GO BACK TO SLEEP, YOU CROSS-EYED, SNAGGLE TOOTH, SMIRKIN, U OF SMELL BUTTLICKIN HOMER. WHEN I WAKE UP…(cry)…MAYBE THIS WILL ALL BE SOME HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE!

THE BEASMAN cats lose 2nd call
(weakened voice) LARRY? IS THIS THE NO COUNT LOSERVILLE CRYBABY LOUDMOUTH LARRY-THE-TRAITOR-MINNER? (cries) I HATE YOU AND NOW I HATE MATT JONES, TOO. ALL Y’ALL RADIO LOUDMOUTHS IS A BUNCH OF LYIN FRAUDS. YOU AND MATT JONES BOTH PREDICTED THAT THE CATS WOULD WIN AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED, DADGUMMIT. Y’ALL AINT NO NOSTRIL-DOMMUS. US GOOD CLASSY KENTUCKY FANS SPENT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO FIX UP COMMERWEALTH STADIUM BUT IT AINT CHANGED THE CURSE OF BAD FOOTBAW DOWN ON THE FIELD. (cries) I BEEN PUKIN ALL OVER MY SHOES AND AIN’T GOT NO SLEEP SINCE THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS LOSTED AGAIN TO THE SAGGY PANTS, GANG BANG, STRIPPER POLE LOVIN LOSERVILLE CARDINAL CRIMINALS.

WE EVEN HAD CAT FANS FIGHTING IN THE PARKING LOT AFTER THE GAME. ONE CAT FAN PISTOL WHIPPED ANOTHER WILDCAT FAN LIKE THEY THUNK THEY WAS IN A RAP VIDEO. BIG BLUE NATION IS STARTIN TO ACT LIKE U OF SMELLERS. HOW DID IT ALL FALL DOWN, DADGUMMIT? THE CATS WAS PERFECT IN THE FIRST HALF AND U OF SMELL COULDN’T STOP US. GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS UP IN THE STANDS WAS SCREAMIN IN THE FACES OF U OF SMELL FANS CALLIN ‘EM PROSTITUTE LOVERS AND TUCK-A-BUCK STRIPPER FANS. AT HALFTIME, WE WAS ALL LAUGHIN, CARRYIN ON, DRINKIN OUR HOMEMADE HOOTCH AND CALLING CARDINAL FANS GAY BOYS AND THUG LOVERS.

ME AND GROVER THE FAKE COP WENT OUT IN THE PARKING LOT AND KEYED ANY CAR WITH A U OF SMELL BUMPER STICKER. WE TOOK OFF OUR SHIRTS AND CHEST BUMPED GOVERNER BU-SHEER. WE WANTED TO TAUNT LOSERVILLE CRIMINAL FANS IN THE WHOLE SECOND HALF BUT DADGUMMIT, U UH KAY NEVER SCORED AGAIN. THE COMMERWEALTH CURSE KICKED IN AGAIN. U OF SMELL PUT THAT LAMAR JACKSON GUY IN THERE AND HE RUN AROUND LIKE HE STOLE SOMETHING, WHICH HE PROBLEE DID. BUT OUR DUMB U UH KAY COACH STOOPY POOPY DINT DO NOTHING TO STOP THE DEVILS FROM LOSERVILLE. THEY JUST KEPT JACKIN OUR BIG BLUE JAWS AND LAUGHIN AT US.

WE CHASED JOKER PHILLIPS OUTTA TOWN AND GOT US STOOPY POOPY AND IT TURNS OUT JOKER WON MORE GAMES. NOW WE IS STUCK SETTIN AT HOME WHILE THE CARDINAL PROSTITUTE PARTY BOYS IS GOIN TO ANOTHER BO GAME. IT MAKES MY BIG BLUE BELLY SICK. AND LARRY, I BET ALL MY SAVINGS ON U UH KAY BECAUSE MATT JONES SAID HE HAD A GOOD FEELIN AND SAID THAT GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL. SO I WENT TO THE BANK AND CASHED OUT MY RETIREMENT AND BET IT ON THE CATS. BUT NAW, U OF SMELL GOT THE GOVERNOR CUP FOR 5 YEARS IN A ROW AND I’M ON SKID ROW. I NEED A GO FUND ME SO I DON’T LOSE MY BIG BLUE MOBILE HOME. HECK, I BOUGHT MY DOG ON LAYAWAY SO I MIGHT LOSE HIM, TOO.

LARRY, YOU AND MATT JONES IS A COUPLE OF CON MEN WHO TRICKED ALL THE GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS BECAUSE Y’ALL RADIO LIARS IS ALL DEMONS. Y’ALL BETTER DO YOUR LAFFIN NOW BECAUSE LES MILES IS COMIN TO SAVE U UH KAY NEXT. HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! HAVE YOUR FUN, CARDINAL JACKASSES, CUZ COACH CAL GONNA SMASH SLICK RICK UPSIDE THE HEAD AND SEND YOU GOLD TOOTH, SAGGY PANTS, RAP MUSIC, OBAMA PHONE, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, TARC BUS RIDIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK U OF SMELL CARDINALS RIGHT BACK TO LITTLE BROTHER LAND WHERE YOU BLONG! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! YOU’RE GAY, LARRY. HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! HIRE LES MILES! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! FARDY & OH! HOs BEFORE PROs. HOs BEFORE PROs. HOs BEFORE PROs. FARDY & OH!

Rick Pitino on UK, Coach Cal, Cat fans in Yum, comparison to ’96, and whether to continue the rivalry

Posted on December 30, 2014 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

University of Louisville head basketball coach Rick Pitino didn’t have much to say following his team’s latest loss to arch-rival Kentucky, the seventh loss out of eight games since John Calipari arrived in Lexington.

He needed a day to decompress and then we chatted about the game on 840WHAS Radio on Monday, December 29. Pitino didn’t shy away from talking about Coach Cal, UK’s potential, abundant UK fans in the KFC Yum Center, and much more.

AUDIO from WHAS Radio

TRANSCRIPT

Rick Pitino, Ron Carmicle, Terry Meiners, and Brent Rice at Valhalla Golf Club, September 2014

Pitino enjoys life away from basketball during the few weeks a year that he’s not working but he has no plans to walk away from the game he cherishes. He loves his Louisville Cardinals and still honors his Kentucky coaching years with a massive Big Blue memorabilia room in his home, but he is frustrated with his Louisville teams continually coming up short against Calipari’s Wildcats.

The Beasman: Coach Cal is playing possum

Posted on February 28, 2014 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

radio script for Friday, March 1, 2014 — airs at 5:45 p.m.

THE BEASMAN just for men
WELL LARRY MINNER, NOW THAT THE GAY MARRIAGE RAINBOW FLAG PEOPLE IS ALL RUNNING AROUND HERE CELERBRATIN, WHEN IS YOU AND SLICK RICK BUTEENO GONNA TIE THE KNOT? I KNOW YOU’S IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE YOU GIT ALL STARRY-EYED WHEN THE TWO OF YOU TAWKS ON THE TELLERBISION. MATT JONES DON’T ACT LIKE A CREEPER WHEN HE SETS ON COACH CAL’S LAP TO AST QUESTIONS. THEY IS PROFESSIONALS BUT YOU AND SLICK RICK ACT LIKE A COUPLE OF MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS AT THE ICE CREAM SHOP. I GUESS YOU TWO SWISHY BOYS IS GONNA HAVE ONE OF THEM BIG GAY WEDDINGS, AINT YOU? WELL LET US KNOW IN ADVANCE SO ALL THE GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS CAN BE OUTTA TOWN WHEN THAT BIMBARRASSMENT TO KENTUCKY HAPPENS.

2013-14 University of Louisville basketball team, Media Day photo by Scott Utterback, The Courier-Journal

I SEEN SLICK RICK LYING TO THE MEDIA ABOUT COLORIN THE HAIR IN HIS SCRAWNY BEARD. LARRY, THERE WAS A BUNCH OF GRAY IN IT LAST WEEK AND NOW IT LOOKS ALL RUSTY LIKE DENNY CRUM’S TOUPEE SO I KNOW HE’S COLORING IT. HOW COME HE CAINT ADMIT IT? JUST A LITTLE MORE DECEPTION FROM THE U OF SMELL HYPE MACHINE. I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU PEOPLE NEVER STOP WITH THE LIES, DO YOU? ALL THIS TIME YOU BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT HAVING THE #1 MONEYMAKING ATH-A-LETICS PROGRUM IN AMERICA AND THEN FORBES MAGGER-ZINE COMES OUT AND SAYS ALABAMMER IS #1 AND U OF SMELL AIN’T EVEN IN THE TOP TIN. THERE YOU GO LYIN AGAIN, U OF SMELL. AND YOU BUILT THAT BIG UGLY ARENER AND TOLD THE TAXPAYERS, OH DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT – WE CAN AFFORD IT. NOW YOU GOT THE REPO MAN THERE TRYING TO HOOK A CHAIN TO A WINCH TO DRAG IT AWAY TO SOME ARENA AUCTION HOUSE IN INJINAPLISS, WHERE THEY KNOW HOW TO BUILD ARENERS AND ACTUALLY MAKE THE MORTGAGE PAYMENTS, TOO. OH, AND CONGRATUMAGATIONS ON BEATING LITTLE NOBODY TEMPLE AGAIN THERE IN YOUR DEADBEAT FORECLOSURE ARENER. WHY IS Y’ALL PLAYING THEM LITTLE JEWISH BOYS FROM THE TEMPLE? PLAY A REAL TEAM, WILL YOU? THAT’S WHY YOUR R.P.I. IS A JOKE AND Y’ALL GONNA BE LUCKY TO EVEN SNIFF MARCH MADNESS. I BETCHA OL MEMPHIS GONNA JACK Y’ALLS JAW TOMORRY. ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA BE CHEERING OUR LUNGS OUT FOR COACH CAL’S FARMER SCHOOL WHERE WE TOOK HIM AWAY AND MADE HIM THE BIGSHOT HE IS TODAY. BUT WE LOVE YOU, MEMPHIS, SO DON’T DISSERPOINT BIG BLUE NATION. BE SURE AND BEAT LITTLE BROTHER LOSERVILLE BECAUSE THEY’S ALL SWOLE UP RIGHT NOW THINKING THEY BLONG IN THE TOP 10, WHICH IS A TOTAL JOKE. Y’ALL ONLY PLAYED ONE GOOD TEAM THIS YEAR – KENTUCKY – AND WHAT HAPPENED? YOU GOT YOUR BUTT HANDED TO YOU, YOU BUNCH OF SNAGGLE TOOTH, BEER DRINKING, RODEO CLOWN CARDINALS. Y’ALL STILL AINT GONNA MAKE THE BIG DANCE. I BETCHA MEMPHIS BEATS YOU TO A PULP AND THEN NEXT WEEK OL UCONN GONNA CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG. THEN THE WHOLE WORLD WILL SEE WHAT HAS BEEN FRAUD NOBODIES Y’ALL REALLY IS. N-I-T! N-I-T! N-I-T! YOU BETTER GO RUB SOME POLISH ON LAST YEAR’S TROPHY BECAUSE YOU AIN’T GOT A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE OF WINNING IT ALL THIS YEAR.

At her core, she’s still a hometown girl.

MEANWHILE, THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS JUST COMING INTO THEIR OWN. WE BEEN HOLDING BACK MOST OF THIS SEASON SO WE CAN RAMP IT UP RIGHT NOW GOING INTO MARCH AND STARM RIGHT TO THE TOP TO WIN IT ALL AGAIN. COACH CAL KNOWS HOW IT WORKS. YOU LOSE A FEW GAMES TO MAKE EVER BODY ELSE FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEIR CHANCES AND THEN COME TOURNEYMINT TIME – BOOM – BOOM – BOOM. CATS WIN IT ALL. WE PLAYING POSSUM WITH THE REST OF THE BIGTIME TEAMS. I TELL YOU, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY ABOUT ARIZONA BUT NOW THAT THEY WENT GAY, WELL, KENTUCKY IS REAL MEN AND WE WILL SLAP DOWN ANYBODY FIXIN TO GIT IN OUR WAY OF THE U UH KAY DUNK DYNASTY! SO SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE AND GO LOSE TO MEMPHIS, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, HONERY TALKIN, WELFARE CHECK, SNAGGLE TOOTH, G.E.D. GETTIN, NECK TATTOO, LIQUOR GUZZLIN, MAKING BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, RAP MUSIC, OBAMA LOVIN, ILLIGITERMATE, TWO BIT, GHETTO SPRAY PAINT LOSERVILLE LOSERS. Y’ALL GOIN DOWN! -30-

The Beasman is a Belieber

Posted on January 24, 2014 by terrymeiners Posted in Uncategorized

THE BEASMAN back from vacation
I CAINT BLEEVE YOU COME BACK TO WORK, YOU SLICK RICK BUTTKISSIN LOUDMOUTH LOSERVILLE LOSER. WHEN YOU WAS GONE THEM FEW DAYS AND I HEARED LOCKJAW McCRANE ON THERE I THUNK TO MYSELF—I BETCHA THEY FINALLY FIGGERED OUT THAT LARRY IS A U OF SMELL GASBAG AND THE WH&S NEEDS TO GET A FAIR AND IMPARTIAL REPLACEMENT FOR HIM. SOMEBODY LIKE MATT JONES, A GUY WHO JUST TELLS THE TRUTH, AND THE TRUTH IS THAT U UH K DOMMERATES AND U OF SMELL IS A MAGNET FOR THUGS. BUT NAW, MATT JONES NEVER TURNT UP. NEXT THING I KNOW, I TURNT ON THE LECTRIC RADIO AND I HEAR A VOICE THAT SOUNDS LIKE TWO WEASELS MAKING LOVE INSIDE A PILLOW CASE…IT’S LARRY DADGUM MINNER, BACK ON THE AIR TAWKING ABOUT HOW GREAT HE IS. YOU MAKE ME SICK WITH ALL YOUR BIGMOUTH BRAGGING, LARRY MINNER. “I WAS IN FLORIDA PLAYIN’ GOLF WHILE Y’ALL WAS FREEZING HERE.” SHUT YOUR BALD PIE HOLE, LARRY, BECAUSE AIN’T NONE OF US IMPRESSTIGATED WITH YOUR GOLF GAME. AND I AINT GONNA SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU LIKE ALL THEM OTHER SUCKUPS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I WANT YOU TO HAVE A MIZZERBLE BIRTHDAY LIKE YOU DONE LAST YEAR WHEN YOU JINXED U OF SMELL AGAINST THE VILLERNOVA. BUT NAW, THIS TIME OL LARRY WENT TO FLORIDA AND THEM CARDINALS DONE ACTED LIKE A BUNCH OF THUGS WHOOPIN UP ON LITTLY BITTY SOUTH FLORIDA TIL THEY THREW IN THE SURRENDER FLAG IN THE FIRST HALF. NO WONDER Y’ALL BEAT EM BY FARDY. THEY TOOK THEIR SHOWERS AT HALFTIME AND COME BACK IN STREET CLOTHES TO PLAY Y’ALL IN THE SECOND HALF, THAT’S WHY IT WAS A PIECE OF CAKE FOR SLICK RICK AND THEM CARDINAL TROUBLEMAKERS. THEM SOUTH FLORIDA PLAYERS SURRENDERED LIKE THEY WAS FRENCH. WHAT DO THEY SERVE AT THE CONCESSION STANDS, SNAILS AND STINKY CHEESE? I HOPE YOU SLICK RICK BUTT-KISSIN U OF SMELL FRAUDS GIT TO FEELING ALL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELFS BEFORE MARCH MADNESS CUZ YOU GONNA GIT YOUR JAW JACKED BY A REAL TEAM LIKE U UH KAY. COACH CAL AINT PLAYING AROUND. THE CATS GOT SHOCKED THERE AT ARKANSAS BUT MAYBE IT WAS COACH CAL’S WAY OF GITTIN THE CATS’ BUTTENTION. NOW THEY IS FOCUSED AND THEY GONNA GO MOW DOWN EVERBODY ELSE FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON. MEANWHILE, U OF SMELL IS OFF THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE AIN’T ENOUGH OF YOUR PLAYERS OFF THEIR HOME INCARCERATION BRACELETS TO BE ALLOWED TO GO ON ANOTHER ROAD TRIP FOR AWHILE. U UH KAY GONNA PUT THE SMACKDOWN ON JARJUH TOMORRY AND THEN GO RIGHT INTO MARCH MADNESS READY TO BRING HOME DUCK NINE-ASTY—ANOTHER NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS FOR THE BIG BLUE. HEY LARRY, I SEEN U OF SMELL FOOTBAW FINALLY GOT RID OF CLINT HURTT. WHO Y’ALL GONNA REPLACE HIM WITH, BERNIE MADOFF? Y’ALL LOVE HAVING STREET CRED CRIMINALS ON YOUR TEAM SO WHY DON’T YOU LET JUSTIN BREEBER DRIVE THE TEAM BUS WHILE HE’S HIGH ON COUGH SYRUP? AND DON’T BE MAKING NO JOKES ABOUT THAT U UH KAY COACH LOCKING HIS WIFE IN THEIR UNHEATED GAY-RAGE AND THROWING WATER ON HER WHILE THE TEMPERCHURE IS ZERO. THEM KIND OF THINGS IS PERSONAL MARRIED LIFE STUFF AND DON’T BLONG IN THE PUBLIC EYE. EXCEPT IF IT’S BOBBY PETRINKO RIDING HIS BLONDE GIRLFRIEND AROUND – THEN IT’S OK FOR MATT JONES TO BELITTLE HIM EVER DAY BECAUSE THAT KIND OF PERSONAL MARRIED LIFE STUFF IS ABOUT U OF SMELLERS. THAT’S DIFFERNT BECAUSE U OF SMELL IS A JOKE UNIVERSITY AND U UH KAY IS ONE OF THEM ACADEMIC SCHOOLS. YOU SUCK, LARRY. WHY DON’T YOU RETIRE SO MATT JONES CAN HOST YOUR TIME SLOT. HE CAN START EVER DAY BY RIDING IN ON A HARLEY AND SAYING “AIN’T NO BLONDE ON HERE WITH ME—JUST 8 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHIES— 5 MORE THAN Y’ALL GOT!” NOW THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE A ENTRANCE! GO CATS!

At her core, she’s still a hometown girl.