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The Beasman has the winter blues, the right color for a crazed UK fan

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THE BEASMAN sick of everthang
I’M GLAD IT’S THE WEEKEND, LARRY MINNER, CUZ THIS HERE WEEK SUCKED REAL BAD. U OF SMELL KEEPS WINNIN WHILE OUR KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS STILL LOOKIN LIKE THEY’S IN QUICKSAND HALF THE DADGUM TIME. COACH CAL KEEPS SAYIN’ THE U UH KAY BASKETBAW PLAYERS IS YOUNG AND THEY IS GITTIN BETTER BUT I CAN SEE WITH MY OWN EYES THEY AIN’T! DO Y’ALL FISHBREATH, BEER DRINKIN, ROSARY BEAD RUBBIN’ CATHLICKS JUST LIE ALL THE TIME TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER?

COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – HOW COME HE LIES TO BIG BLUE NATION ALL THE TIME TAWKIN BOUT HOW WE GONNA GIT BETTER? WE DON’T! AND U OF SMELL JUST GITS BY AND STAYS RANKED IN THE TOP TIN! DADGUMMIT THE CATS GIT THE #1 RECRUITIN CLASS EVER YEAR SO HOW COME THEY SUCK COME TOURNEYMINT TIME? IT’S ALL A BIG FARCE TO MAKE US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS KEEP PAYIN HIGH TICKET PRICES FOR A BUNCH OF NOTHIN. AND TODAY THEY SAID ONE OF OUR PLAYERS IS TRANSFERRIN. KHALIL WHITNEY IS RUNNIN AWAY FROM U UH KAY SO COACH CAL AIN’T DOIN SOMETHIN RIGHT.

DADGUMMIT, CATS! I’M FRUSTER-PATED! LARRY, MAYBE I JUST GOT THEM JAM-YOO-ARY BLUES. THEM SHRINKS SAY SOME PEOPLE GIT DEE-SPONDENT RIGHT ABOUT THIS TIME OF YEAR CUZ THE HOLIDAYS IS OVER AND MARCH MADNESS IS STILL FAR AWAY. I MIGHT GIT MY GRANDSON TO GIMME SOME SHOCK THERAPY. HE’S GOT ONE OF THEM TAZER GUNS LIKE THE PO-LEECE GOT. HE USED IT ON ME ONE TIME A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS CON-STER-PAY-DID. HE SHOT ME RIGHT IN THE BEE-HIND AND I’LL BE DADGUM IF I DIDN’T POOTY ALL OVER MYSELF TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. SO IF U UH KAY LOSES TO THESE REDNECK TEXAS TECH FREAKS TOMORRY, I’M PROLLY GONNA GIT TAZERED AGAIN TO SEE IF IT SNAPS ME OUT OF MY DOLDRUMS.

I ONCE TRIED TO GIVE MYSELF SHOCK THERAPY BY USING MY CAR BATTERY JUMPER CABLES ON MY NIPPLES BUT THAT KNOCKED ME THROUGH THE BACK OF MY GAY-RAJ, SO NEVER AGAIN ON THAT ONE. LET’S JUST TRUDGE ON THROUGH TOMORRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I HEAR TELL THAT THEM TEXAS TECH PUNKS IS GITTIN FREE BEER DURING THE GAME AGAINST KENTUCKY SO I HOPE THEY STRING UP SOME CHICKEN WIRE AROUND THE VISITORS BENCH TO KEEP REDNECKS FROM THROWIN BEER BOTTLES ON OUR GOOD AND CLASSY CATS!

BEER DRINKIN, LOUDMOUTH, SAGGY PANTS, BACKWARD CAP, NECK TATTOO, G.E.D. FLUNKIN, MAKIN BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, WELFARE QUEEN TEXAS TECH FANS IS GONNA MAKE US FEEL LIKE WE’S PLAYIN LOSERVILLE. AND I GUESS THAT’S GOOD CUZ WE ALWAYS BEAT LOSERVILLE! (laffs) HEY…I’M STARTIN TO FEEL BETTER ALREADY WITHOUT NOBODY STRAPPIN A SEARS DIE HARD BATTERY TO MY GONADS! MAYBE THIS HERE IS THE WEEKEND THAT GITS IT ALL TURNT AROUND FOR US GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCATS! GO BLUE! GO CATS! LET’S GO MESS WITH TEXAS! IF THEY’S DRUNK, THEY CAINT STOP THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS!

AND LET’S ALL SAY A PRAYER FOR CLEMSON TO BEAT U OF SMELL SO US CAT FANS CAN START A-TAUNTIN THEM SNAGGLE TOOTH, CROSS-EYED, SISTER-KISSIN U OF SMELL TRAILER TRASH CARDINAL FANS! THEY IS HONORIN THEIR 19&75 FINAL FOUR TEAM AT THE U OF SMELL GAME. I BETCHA THEY WON’T MENTION THAT U UH KAY WAS IN THAT FINAL FOUR, TOO, CUZ THEY IS JEALOUS OF THE BIG BLUE!

Junior Bridgeman, University of Louisville (1975)

IF DENNY DUMMY’S STOOPID GUARD DINT THROW A BAD PASS THEN THEY WOULDA BEAT U.C.L.A. AND THEN U UH KAY WOULDA BEAT U OF SMELL FOR THE NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIP, BUT NAW…U OF SMELL SCREWED THE POOCH AGAIN! IDIOT CARDINALS! (laffs) AWWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! IF YOU DON’T WIN….DON’T COME HOME!

UofL hits the skids and The Beasman ain’t too blue about it

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THE BEASMAN cathlick magic
POOR, POOR CARDINAL BIRDS. DONE LOST ‘EM THREE IN A ROW AND AIN’T NO RELIEF IN SIGHT. MARCH SADNESS STARTS TOMORROW IN YOUR GHETTO TOWN WHILE THE REST OF BIG BLUE NATION GITS READY TO WIN ANOTHER CHAMPERCHIPS! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! GO BIG BLUE! BUT OL U OF SMELL CAINT EVEN BEAT NOBODY BOSTON BAKED BEAN COLLEGE. (laffs)

TOO BAD, SO SAD! (laffs) YOU KNOW LARRY, I’D LIKE TO SAY ALL US GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS FANS IS FEELIN PITY FOR YOU LITTLE BROTHER NOBODIES BUT I DON’T WANNA LIE RIGHT HERE ON THE LECTRIC RADIO. (laffs) Y’ALL U OF SMELL FAILURES NEED TO DO LIKE DONALD TRUMP AND JUST WALK AWAY! TRUMP DONE THAT WITH THAT LITTLE KOREA GANGSTER KIM JONG KIM KIM AND THAT’S WHAT BALDY SEWER MOUTH CHRIS MACK GOTTA DO. JUST PULL THE CURTAINS AND DISMANTLE THE U OF SMELL FAILURE BASKETBAW PROGRUM. IT’S OVER, LARRY. (laffs)

EVER SINCE TOMMY TURTLENECK CHASED MY BUDDY DENNY CRUMMY OUTTA THERE AND RE-PLACED HIM WITH THAT SLICK HAIRED I-TALIAN CHEATER NAME OF SLICK RICK, Y’ALL BEEN A LAUGHIN STOCK. (laffs) SLICK GOT Y’ALL A FAKE NEWS CHAMPERCHIP BUT THE NC2A WISED UP AND YANKED DOWN THE FAKE U OF SMELL BANNER SO DENNY CRUMMY IS STILL THE ONLY NATIONAL CHAMPEEN COACH IN YOUR GHETTO TOWN. (laffs) MEANTIME, THE #1 SEED KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GONNA GO DOWN TO TENNERSEE AND POP A KNOT ON THEIR STUPID ROCK TOP FOREHEADS ONE MORE TIME! (laffs)

Keldon Johnson. He is good.

WE GONNA SINK THE ADMIRAL’S BATTLESHIP JUST LIKE WE DONE TWO WEEKS AGO! COACH CAL – HE GOES TO MASS EVER DAY – WE DONE TODE COACH CAL WHEN HE GOES TO MASS THIS WEEK HE NEEDS TO SAY A LOT OF THEM FAKE CATHLICK PRAYERS TO TELL THE CATHLICK FAKE GOD TO MAKE SURE THE NOTRE DAME HUMILERATES U OF SMELL ON SENIOR DAY! (laffs) I LOVE IT! BALDY MACK IS A CATHLICK BUT HE AIN’T GOT NO CATHLICK MAGIC LIKE COACH CAL CUZ BALDY MACK DON’T GO TO MASS EVER DAY.

BALDY MACK JUST GOES IN THEM GHETTO STREETS TO LEARN HIM MORE OF THEM NASTY CUSS WORDS TO YELL ON NATIONAL TV. THAT’S SOME REAL CLASS Y’ALL GOT GOIN ON, LARRY MINNER! COACH CAL GONNA PRAY EXTRA HARD FOR TOUCHDOWN JESUS TO HELP THEM CATHLICK FISH EATIN, BINGO PLAYIN, BEER DRINKIN, GENUFLECTIN, GOIN TO CONFESSION INSTEAD OF TAKIN RESPONSIBILITY FOR SINNIN NOTRE DAME IRISH BAR FIGHTIN WHISKEY BREATH HEATHENS PUT ONE LAST A.C.C. BEATDOWN ON NOBODY U OF SMELL.

THEN FINALLY SOMEBODY GONNA WAKE UP AND SEND THEM PHONEY BALONEY CARDINAL BIRDS TO THE N.I.T. WHERE Y’ALL BLONG EVER YEAR! (laffs) OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED! OVER-RATED! GOOOOOO BIG BLUE! THE WILDCATS IS RATED A #1 SEED IN THE BIG DANCE WHERE U OF SMELL GONNA GIT LEFT OUT AGAIN.

COME ON, YOU CATHLICK HEATHENS. DRINK LOTS OF THAT HOLY WATER SO YOUR FAKE CATHLICK GOD WILL GIVE Y’ALL NOTRE DAME FISH BREATH BREEDERS THE FIGHTIN IRISH SPIRIT YOU NEED TO STOMP ON THEM FLUNKY CRIMINAL CARDINALS. GO AHEAD AND DRINK YOUR IRISH WHISKEY DURING THE GAME TOO CUZ LOSERVILLE AINT GOT NO MORALS.

Mike, Terry, Lisa, and Lynn Meiners (November 2018)

EVERBODY IN THAT GHETTO TOWN IS HIGH ON LIQUOR OR METH OR SNIFFIN THE MARIJUANA. (laffs) BUNCH OF DOPEHEAD LOSERS! BE CLASSY LIKE THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS, YOU CARDINAL FLUNKIES! AWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!

Cats caught in storm of poor performance, difficult for Beasman to mock U of Smell

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THE BEASMAN cats and petrino lose again
WELL LARRY, MAYBE YOU DONE THE RIGHT THING TO GO TRAITOR TURNCOAT AND RENOUNCE YOUR U UH KAY LOYALTY TO BE A U OF SMELL THUG FAN. IT’S A BITTERSWEET TIME TO BE A CAT FAN, I TELL YOU WHAT. NORM-ULLY I’D BE DANCIN A JIG CUZ THE U OF SMELL FOOTBAW SCUMBAG COACH BOBBY NECK BRACE GOT FIRED BUT THEN AS SOON AS I START GRINNIN I THINK ABOUT STOOPS TROOPS PLAYIN LIKE POOPS AND I GIT SAD AGAIN. (crying)

WE DON’T WANT BAMA NOW! U UH KAY IS RANKED #20 AND FALLIN. AIN’T NO NEW YEAR’S BIG SIX BO GAME. BINNY SNELL AIN’T GITTIN NO HEISHMAN TROPHY. AND TERRY TOUCHDOWN IS NOW TERRY LETDOWN. (crying) IT’S A BAD TIME FOR ME, LARRY, CUZ COACH CAL’S CATS SUCK, TOO. WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS A-GOIN ON RIGHT NOW? THE OTHER NIGHT COACH CAL WAS STRUGGLIN TO BEAT THE NOBODY SUCKY SALUKIS. DADGUMMIT, WE IS KENTUCKY. (crying)

WHY IS WE HAVIN TO EVEN BREAK A SWEAT AGAINST SOME SCHOOL FOR MIDGETS WHO AIN’T GOT NO BIDNIZ EVEN THINKIN THEY CAN HANG WITH U UH KAY? BUT THEY RAN WITH US LIKE WE IS SOME DIE-RECTIONAL SCHOOL INSTEAD OF THE LEGENDARY KENTUCKY WILDCATS. HAS THE WORLD GONE CRAZY, LARRY? IF COACH CAL DON’T GIT THESE HERE WILDCATS PLAYIN LIKE MEN THEN HE CAN CLIMB ON THE BACK OF BOBBY PETRINKO’S MOTOR-SICKLE AND RIDE AWAY WITH HIM.

US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS AIN’T IN NO MOOD FOR JOSHIN RIGHT NOW CUZ WE WAS EXPECTER-CATIN’ TO WIN THE FOOTBAW NATIONAL CHAMPERCHIPS. WE LOSTED TO JARJUH SO THEN WE WAS GONNA SHOW THE WORLD BY BEATIN THE VOLS. BUT THEM TENNERSEE HILLBILLIES DONE PUT A SMACKDOWN ON THE CATS AND POPPED OUR BALLOON AGAIN! (crying) DADGUMMIT, WE AIN’T BEAT THEM PRISON UNI-FARM WEARING TENNERSEE FRAUDS SINCE FRAN CURCI WAS GITTIN JIGGY WITH THE U UH KAY CHEERLEADERS IN THE 1940s. (crying)

WE SUCK IN FOOTBAW AND WE SUCK IN BASKETBAW AND U OF SMELL IS SO TURRIBLE THERE AIN’T NO BU-CITEMENT BEATIN THEM CUZ EVERBODY DOES. THANKSGIVING GONNA BE HARRIBLE THIS YEAR CUZ THERE AIN’T NOTHIN TO THANK GOD FOR. THANKS A LOT, GOD! THE BLUE WAVE DINT COME. THEM DUKIES CRUSHED COACH CAL. AND STOOPS WET HIS PANTS ON THE BIG GAMES. I WANT TO LAUGH AT U OF SMELL BUT US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS IS KINDA SKEERED THAT THEIR NEW COACHES IS GONNA TURN IT AROUND.

THAT VINCE TYRUS DONE PRESSURE WARSHED AWAY ALL THE SCUMBAG, STRIPPER POLE HEROES LIKE PETRINKO, PAPA JOHN, SLICK RICK, AND TOMMY TURNTLENECK. THE U OF SMELL MOUNT RUSHMORE OF TRAGEDY DONE BEEN DEMOLISHED. WHAT IF THESE NEW U OF SMELL COACHES START WHOOPIN U UH KAY? I DON’T KNOW IF US GOOD AND CLASSY CAT FANS CAN HANDLE IT. MATT JONES GOT DRUNK IN HIS BIG BLUE BOO HOO BAR FRIDEE NIGHT AFTER COACH CAL’S WEAK PERFORMANCE AND COACH CAL IS OVER IN A SIDE BOOTH. I HOPE MATT AND CAL DON’T GO ALL PORCINI’S WITH EACH OTHER.

Jesus. Not sure whether this is the real Baptist son of God or the fake bingo tolerant Jesus.

AND NOW WE SEE THE NEW U OF SMELL FOOTBAW COACH IS A JESUS MAN, TAWKIN ABOUT THE LARD ALL THE TIME ON TWITTER. DADGUMMIT. I TODE YOU COACH CAL BEEN GOIN TO MASS EVER DAY TO PRAY TO THE FAKE CATHLICK GOD WHO ALLOWS BEER DRINKIN, BINGO PLAYIN, AND DANCIN. IF THIS U OF SMELL COACH IS PRAYIN TO THE REAL BABDIZ GOD THEN US CAT FANS IS IN BIG TROUBLE!

COME ON, MITCH BARNFART. DO SOMETHIN! TELL STOOPS AND COACH CAL TO PICK IT UP OR LET’S THROW EM ON THE TRASH HEAP AND HIRE NICK SABAN AND MIKE SHIT-SHETSKI. THEY’LL DO IT – DOWN DEEP EVERBODY WANTS TO BE A KENTUCKY WILDCAT! AWWWWWW SHAPE UP, SHIP OUT! SHAPE UP, SHIP OUT! WE IS THE ROMAN EMPIRE OF COLLEGE SPARTS AND RIGHT NOW THE ROMAN EMPIRE IS ON FIRE! DO SOMETHIN, DADGUMMIT! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS! WE DON’T WANT BAMA! WE DON’T WANT BAMA!

One and Dunce

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One of the most downloaded 84WHAS Radio podcasts are my conversations with University of Kentucky fanatic The Beasman. These sketches air two times weekly, usually at 5:45 p.m. but occasionally earlier in the 4 p.m. hour.

RECENT BITS: Beasman just prior to the UofL vs Cincinnati football game
Beasman after UK beats Providence and Alabama football loses
Beasman after UofL loses to North Carolina

Here’s tomorrow’s radio script for The Beasman, scheduled to air at 5:45 p.m. so that you can read along. Terrestrial: 840 AM; streaming via whas.com or iheartradio.com

BEASMAN cats lose again
(sniff) AINT NO HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS IN WILDCAT COUNTRY, LARRY MINNER. FORGIT SANTY CLAUS. TAKE DOWN THE TREE. ALL THESE POOR CAT FAN KIDS IS CRYING ABOUT NO FARDY AND OH, NO THURDY NINE AND ONE, MAYBE NOT EVEN NO THURDY EIGHT AND TWO. I BEEN WALKIN AROUND IN A DADGUM DAZE SINCE FRIDAY NIGHT. BAYLOR. WE WAS CALLING THEM GAY-LER. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN TO THE GOOD AND CLASSY BIG BLUE NATION? HOW COME WE GIT ALL THE BEST RECRUITS IN THE WORLD AND THESE OTHER TEAMS HAVE THE NERVE TO SCORE MORE POINTS? WE IS THE CATS! IT AINT POSED TO BE LIKE THIS. ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS POSED TO BE WALKIN AROUND GITTIN IN YOUR FACE TAWKIN ABOUT HOW WE IS DUNK DYNASTY AND COACH CAL IS A GOD AND U UH KAY IS THE ONLY SCHOOL IN THIS STATE AND “THEY DON’T WANNA BEAT US – THEY WANT TO BE US!” WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT? WE DON’T RECRUIT—WE JUST RELOAD. DADGUMMIT, AIN’T NOBODY POSED TO BEAT NO U UH KAY NEVER. SO I TURNT ON YOUR STOOPID RADIO SHOW TO LISTEN TO SEE IF YOU’RE SMIRKIN…BUT YOU AINT. I BEEN WAITIN FOR YOU TO KICK COACH CAL IN THE FACE BUT YOU AINT. WHY CAINT YOU U OF SMELLERS BE LOUDMOUTH HATERS LIKE US GOOD CLASSY WILDCAT FANS? COME ON, LARRY. JUST SAY WHAT YOU’S WANTIN TO SAY—THAT YOU IS LOVIN’ WATCHING COACH CAL FAIL. THAT YOU LIKE SEEING CAT FANS WALKIN AROUND LONGFACED. HOW COME YOU CAINT TAWK SMACK LIKE MATT JONES USED TO DO BEFORE U UH KAY DONE BECOME A FAILURE? COME ON…GIT IT OVER WITH. GO AHEAD AND MOCK ME, LARRY MINNER. MOCK MATT JONES FOR BEIN A GASBAG OBSESSIN ON U OF SMELL. I KNOW YOU WANT TO BECAUSE HE PUNKED ON YOU WHEN U OF SMELL LOST TO NARTH CARAMALINER. I’M SICK TO MY STOMACH CUZ MY CATS DONE LOSTED TO GAYLOR AND DROPPED IN THE PO; AND WE MIGHT LOSE SOME MORE. BUT I CAINT MAKE LARRY MINNER BITE ON MY BOBBER. COME ON—I WANT THAT BALD HEAD OF YOURS TO GIT ALL SWOLE UP THINKIN YOU’S GONNA BEAT THE CATS IN A COUPLE A WEEKS. I KNOW YOU IS ALL COCKY BECAUSE YOUR LOSERVILLE CARDINAL BIRDS THUMPED EM ANOTHER CUPCAKE BASKETBAW TEAM SAIRDEE, AND BACK ON THURSDEE THEY GOT LUCKY IN FOOTBAW AGAINST CINCINNAPLISS. AND NOW CHARLIE STRONG GOIN BOWLIN AGAIN WHILE U UH KAY STAYS HOME WITH COACH STOOPID. COME ON, LARRY, LEMME HAVE IT. IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT, ME AND MATT JONES WOULD BE IN YOUR FACE SCREAMIN “GOOOO BIG BLUE – YOU SUCK – YOU’RE GAY – Y’ALL IS LITTLE BROTHER – CATS IS AWESOME – BIG BLUE NATION.” WHEN YOU DON’T TAUNT US, WE GOT NOTHIN TO TAWK ABOUT BUCEPT THE WILDCAT HISTREE BOOKS. THAT’S WHAT US CAT FANS DO—TAWK ABOUT THE 1940S AND 50S, AND THEN COACH CAL WINNING IT TWO YEARS AGO, BUT NEVER TAWK ABOUT SLICK RICK OR TUBBY WINNING IT CUZ THEY SUCK. AND WE NEVER, EVER MENTION LOSIN IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE N.I.T. TO BOBBY MO BECAUSE THAT WAS SOME KIND OF KARMA PAYBACK FOR HAVING THAT U OF SMELL GUY KENNY PAYNE ON OUR BENCH. I DON’T WANT CHRISTMAS TO GIT NO WORSER. I DINT THINK I’D EVER SAY THIS, BUT GO WESTERN KENTUCKY HILLTOPPERS. BEAT THEM LOSERVILLES TO SHUT EM UP. I TELL YOU WHAT, IF COACH CAL LOSES TO NARTH CARAMALINER AND THEN TO LOSERVILLE ON DECEMBER 28, HE BETTER JUST PACK HIS BAGS AND MOVE ON. WE’LL GO GIT US TRAVIS FARD TO COME BACK TO U UH KAY TO LEAD US BACK TO THE PROMISED LAND. THEN BIG BLUE NATION WILL SOUND LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT AND SING WE AINT NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER GONNA HIRE NO MORE SLICK TAWKIN I-TALIAN COACHES. WE IS STICKING TO KENTUCKY BOYS!