radio script for Friday, March 1, 2014 — airs at 5:45 p.m.
THE BEASMAN just for men
WELL LARRY MINNER, NOW THAT THE GAY MARRIAGE RAINBOW FLAG PEOPLE IS ALL RUNNING AROUND HERE CELERBRATIN, WHEN IS YOU AND SLICK RICK BUTEENO GONNA TIE THE KNOT? I KNOW YOU’S IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE YOU GIT ALL STARRY-EYED WHEN THE TWO OF YOU TAWKS ON THE TELLERBISION. MATT JONES DON’T ACT LIKE A CREEPER WHEN HE SETS ON COACH CAL’S LAP TO AST QUESTIONS. THEY IS PROFESSIONALS BUT YOU AND SLICK RICK ACT LIKE A COUPLE OF MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS AT THE ICE CREAM SHOP. I GUESS YOU TWO SWISHY BOYS IS GONNA HAVE ONE OF THEM BIG GAY WEDDINGS, AINT YOU? WELL LET US KNOW IN ADVANCE SO ALL THE GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS CAN BE OUTTA TOWN WHEN THAT BIMBARRASSMENT TO KENTUCKY HAPPENS.
I SEEN SLICK RICK LYING TO THE MEDIA ABOUT COLORIN THE HAIR IN HIS SCRAWNY BEARD. LARRY, THERE WAS A BUNCH OF GRAY IN IT LAST WEEK AND NOW IT LOOKS ALL RUSTY LIKE DENNY CRUM’S TOUPEE SO I KNOW HE’S COLORING IT. HOW COME HE CAINT ADMIT IT? JUST A LITTLE MORE DECEPTION FROM THE U OF SMELL HYPE MACHINE. I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU PEOPLE NEVER STOP WITH THE LIES, DO YOU? ALL THIS TIME YOU BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT HAVING THE #1 MONEYMAKING ATH-A-LETICS PROGRUM IN AMERICA AND THEN FORBES MAGGER-ZINE COMES OUT AND SAYS ALABAMMER IS #1 AND U OF SMELL AIN’T EVEN IN THE TOP TIN. THERE YOU GO LYIN AGAIN, U OF SMELL. AND YOU BUILT THAT BIG UGLY ARENER AND TOLD THE TAXPAYERS, OH DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT – WE CAN AFFORD IT. NOW YOU GOT THE REPO MAN THERE TRYING TO HOOK A CHAIN TO A WINCH TO DRAG IT AWAY TO SOME ARENA AUCTION HOUSE IN INJINAPLISS, WHERE THEY KNOW HOW TO BUILD ARENERS AND ACTUALLY MAKE THE MORTGAGE PAYMENTS, TOO. OH, AND CONGRATUMAGATIONS ON BEATING LITTLE NOBODY TEMPLE AGAIN THERE IN YOUR DEADBEAT FORECLOSURE ARENER. WHY IS Y’ALL PLAYING THEM LITTLE JEWISH BOYS FROM THE TEMPLE? PLAY A REAL TEAM, WILL YOU? THAT’S WHY YOUR R.P.I. IS A JOKE AND Y’ALL GONNA BE LUCKY TO EVEN SNIFF MARCH MADNESS. I BETCHA OL MEMPHIS GONNA JACK Y’ALLS JAW TOMORRY. ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS GONNA BE CHEERING OUR LUNGS OUT FOR COACH CAL’S FARMER SCHOOL WHERE WE TOOK HIM AWAY AND MADE HIM THE BIGSHOT HE IS TODAY. BUT WE LOVE YOU, MEMPHIS, SO DON’T DISSERPOINT BIG BLUE NATION. BE SURE AND BEAT LITTLE BROTHER LOSERVILLE BECAUSE THEY’S ALL SWOLE UP RIGHT NOW THINKING THEY BLONG IN THE TOP 10, WHICH IS A TOTAL JOKE. Y’ALL ONLY PLAYED ONE GOOD TEAM THIS YEAR – KENTUCKY – AND WHAT HAPPENED? YOU GOT YOUR BUTT HANDED TO YOU, YOU BUNCH OF SNAGGLE TOOTH, BEER DRINKING, RODEO CLOWN CARDINALS. Y’ALL STILL AINT GONNA MAKE THE BIG DANCE. I BETCHA MEMPHIS BEATS YOU TO A PULP AND THEN NEXT WEEK OL UCONN GONNA CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG. THEN THE WHOLE WORLD WILL SEE WHAT HAS BEEN FRAUD NOBODIES Y’ALL REALLY IS. N-I-T! N-I-T! N-I-T! YOU BETTER GO RUB SOME POLISH ON LAST YEAR’S TROPHY BECAUSE YOU AIN’T GOT A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE OF WINNING IT ALL THIS YEAR.
MEANWHILE, THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS JUST COMING INTO THEIR OWN. WE BEEN HOLDING BACK MOST OF THIS SEASON SO WE CAN RAMP IT UP RIGHT NOW GOING INTO MARCH AND STARM RIGHT TO THE TOP TO WIN IT ALL AGAIN. COACH CAL KNOWS HOW IT WORKS. YOU LOSE A FEW GAMES TO MAKE EVER BODY ELSE FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEIR CHANCES AND THEN COME TOURNEYMINT TIME – BOOM – BOOM – BOOM. CATS WIN IT ALL. WE PLAYING POSSUM WITH THE REST OF THE BIGTIME TEAMS. I TELL YOU, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY ABOUT ARIZONA BUT NOW THAT THEY WENT GAY, WELL, KENTUCKY IS REAL MEN AND WE WILL SLAP DOWN ANYBODY FIXIN TO GIT IN OUR WAY OF THE U UH KAY DUNK DYNASTY! SO SHUT YOUR CAKE HOLE AND GO LOSE TO MEMPHIS, YOU BUNCH OF SAGGY PANTS, HONERY TALKIN, WELFARE CHECK, SNAGGLE TOOTH, G.E.D. GETTIN, NECK TATTOO, LIQUOR GUZZLIN, MAKING BABIES OUT OF WEDLOCK, RAP MUSIC, OBAMA LOVIN, ILLIGITERMATE, TWO BIT, GHETTO SPRAY PAINT LOSERVILLE LOSERS. Y’ALL GOIN DOWN! -30-
