radio scripts for Monday, November 28, 2016
THE BEASMAN #1 itās over
OH BOO HOO HOOOOO! KEEP CRYINā YOUR CARDINAL TEARSā¦THEYāRE DELICIOUS! (laffs) AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS! KEEP BURNIN THEM COUCHES, CAT FANS! THIS HERE IS BIGGER āEN CHRISTMAS! U UH KAY DONE SLAYED THE EVIL CARDINAL DEMONS! STEPHEN JOHNSON FOR HEISMAN! MARK STOOPS FOR S.E.C. COACH OF THE YEAR! U UH KAY WILDCATS FOR THE PLAYOFFS! BOOM WILLIAMS FOR PLAYER OF THE YEAR!
AWWWW BLUE! WHITE! BLUE! WHITE! CATS! CATS! CATS! (laffs) ITāS FINALLY OVER FOR YOU LOWDOWN, SAGGY PANTS, BACKWARDS CAP, RAP MUSIC, NECK TATTOO, GANG BANG, U OF SMELL CARDINAL POSERS.
YOU DONE BEEN EXPOSED BY THE GOOD AND CLASSY KENTUCKY WILDCATS! AINāT NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU! AINāT NO HEISMAN TROPHY! AINāT NO ARNGE BO! IT ALL WENT UP IN SMOKE WHEN THE GOOD GUYS MADE THE WORLD HONORABLE AGAIN! NO GLORY FOR THE FILTHY CARDINAL BIRD ADULTERY STRIPPER POLE ARROGANT OVERPRICED SCUMBAG SCOUNDREL UNIVERSITY.
YāALL IS BACK TO NOBODYLAND. PETRINKO IS A FRAUD. SLICK RICK GOT ANOTHER TEAM FULL OF QUITTERS. THE LOSERVILLE HAS BEENSā¦YāALL IS WILDCAT WANNABES. STOOPS IS THE NEW BEAR BRYANT. COACH CALāS CATS IS #1 AND GITTIN READY TO CRUSH THE CARDINAL BIRDS AGAIN FOR CHRISTMAS! I LOVVVVVVVE IT!
(laffs) THE GOOD AND CLASSY AND HONORABLE KENTUCKY WILDCATS IS GOIN TO A BIGTIME BO WHILE LOSERVILLE SLID ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BACKGROUND NOISE BO.
BOOGER HAD YOUR NUMBER THE WHOLE TIME. WE LOVE BOOGER! BOOGER SAID U OF SMELL IS A FRAUD AND DONāT BLONG IN NO PLAYOFFS BUT U OF SMELL KEPT CALLIN BOOGER A LIAR. BOOGER NAILED IT! WE LOVE BOOGER! CATS! CATS! CATS! HEY LARRY, IS BOBBY PETRINKO STILL DOIN A STAREDOWN WITH A REPORTER ASKIN WHY LAY-MAR JACKSON STAYS IN THE POCKET TOO LONG? WOW! HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?
BOBBY PETRINKO AND TOMMY TURTLENECK SPEND ALL THEIR TIME HATIN ON REPORTERS INSTEAD OF GITTIN THEIR TEAM READY FOR GAMES. LARRY, TELL BOBBY TO STUDY FILMS OF STOOPS TROOPS AND MAYBE THEN HIS TEAM WILL LEARN HOW TO PLAY REAL FOOTBAW INSTEAD OF JUST LETTIN LAY-MAR RUN AROUND LIKE A CHICKEN WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF. AINāT NO HEISMAN TROPHY IN LOSERVILLE UNLESS ITāS A STOLEN ONE IN A PAWN SHOP.
YOUR CITY IS FULL OF GUN-TOTIN, GANG BANG, VIOLENT THUGS SHOOTING EACH OTHER AT PEEWEE FOOTBAW GAMES. YāALL DONāT BLONG IN NO BIGTIME SPOTLIGHT LIKE U UH KAY. YāALL DONāT HAVE THE MANNERS TO ACT HONORABLE AND REPPERSENT THE NC2A LIKE CAT FANS DO! YāALL IS LIKE A PRISON EXERCISE YARD FILLED WITH SCARY, VIOLENT PEOPLE. NO GOOD CITY WANTS U OF SMELLERS COMIN TO TEAR UP THEIR TOWN, SPRAYPAINT CUSS WORDS AND THROW LIQUOR BOTTLES ALL OVER THE PLACE.
THE NC2A KNOWS WHEN CAT FANS COME TO TOWN THAT WE IS FRIENDLY, GOD-FEARING PEOPLE WHO GONNA SPEND OUR MONEY AND ONLY SHOOT OUR GUNS IN SELF-DEFENSE. WE IS CHURCH-GOIN, AMERICA-LOVIN TRUMP PEOPLE AND THATāS WHY THE NC2A GONNA GIVE US A BIGTIME BO AND SEND U OF SMELL TO SOME GHETTO TOWN LIKE DEE-TROIT OR NEW JERSEY WHERE THE MESS YOUR FILTHY CARDINAL FANS MAKE WONāT MAKE IT NO UGLIER.
SORRY BOUT YOUR LUCK, CARDINAL BIRDS BUT YOU SHOULDNāT STOLE THAT PLAYBOOK OR GOD WOULDNāT SMITED YOU LIKE ISS. MEANTIME ALL US GOOD CLASSY CAT FANS IS PACKIN FOR SOME SUNNY BO GAME IN MIAM-UH OR ARLANDO CUZ AMERICA LIKES CLEAN-CUT, CHURCH GOIN WINNERS LIKE THE CATS!
THANK YOU, GOD! AND COACH CAL SAYS YāALL BETTER KEEP YOUR CARDINAL CRYIN TOWELS HANDY CUZ YOU GONNA NEED āEM AGAIN IN THREE WEEKS WHEN THE BASKETBAW TEAM CRUSHES YOU LIKE THE FILTHY COCKROACHES YOU IS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, CARDINAL THUGS! AWWWWW C-A-T-S! CATS! CATS! CATS!
THE BEASMAN #2 big blue Christmas
HEY LARREEEE! LARRY MINNER! PLAY THAT RAP SONG YāALL CARDINAL FRAUDS LOVEā¦WEEE READY! WEEEE READY! (laffs) WELL, YāALL NEED TO CHANGE THAT SONG TO āWE NOT READY!ā (laffs) I LOVE IT! GOOD GUYS WIN! GOOD GUYS WIN! THE MIGHTY KENTUCKY WILDCATS SHOWED YāALL OVERRATED FRAUDS WHO OWNS THIS HERE BLUE STATE! YāALL IS STILL LITTLE BROTHER AND THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS AINāT UNDERRATED NO MORE!

LAY-MAR JACKSON DONE THE HEISMAN TROPHY POSE AND THEN HE FUMBLED THE BALL RIGHT WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE YāALL WAS GONNA WIN. KARMA! DONāT BE SHOWIN OFF CUZ PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL! TRUMP IS RIGHT⦠AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN NOW THAT THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TAWKIN ABOUT THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS BEIN FOR REAL!
EVER GOOD AND CLASSY WILDCAT CHRISTMAS TREE IS DECORATED WITH SPORTS PAGES DEE-CLARIN āCATS WIN! CATS WIN! CATS WIN!ā EVER BOOMBOX IN KENTUCKY IS PLAYINā ELVIS SINGINā (sing) āIāLL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUUUUE CHRISTMAS!ā (laffs) I AINāT SLEPT A WINK SINCE SAIRDEE, LARRY!

THE KENTUCKY WILDCATS DONE SHATTERED ALL YOUR PATHETIC CARDINAL DREAMS IN ONE FOOTBAW GAME AND US CAT FANS IS EATIN IT UP LIKE CHRISTMAS DINNER! OL BOBBY PETRINKO DONE RODE AWAY ON HIS LITTLE MOTOR SCOOTER TRYIN TO FIGGER OUT WHAT WENT WRONG. IāLL TELL YOU WHAT WENT WRONG ā YOU RUN INTO A BUZZ SAW NAMED STOOPS TROOPS!

YOUR ARROGANT CARDINAL BIRDS WAS DOIN THE HEISMAN POSE, TAWKIN ABOUT THE PLAYOFFS OR THE ARNGE BO, BUT NOW U OF SMELL IS LIKE THE ZIKA VIRUS. EVERBODY IS RUNNIN AWAY FROM YOU! AINāT NO BIGTIME BO FOR YOU YOU CARDINAL HAS BEENS. YāALL BE LUCKY TO GIT SENT TO JEFFERSONVILLE TO PLAY AT A HIGH SCHOOL PROM.
AINāT NO HEISMAN TROPHY FOR LAY-MAR. HE TURNS IT OVER LIKE A SHART ARDER COOK FLIPPIN FLAPJACKS! YāALL STINKBREATH, SNAGGLE-TOOTH CARDINAL FANS FOUNT OUT LAY-MAR JACKSON AINT QUALLERFIED TO QUARTERBACK THE TOY BOWL. NOW THE U UH KAY QB IS FOR REALZ AND HEāS THE SECOND STEVIE JOHNSON TO BREAK LOSERVILLEāS HEART. ANOTHER ONE WITH THAT NAME CRUSHED THE CARDINAL CONVICTS 9 YEARS AGO. SO THE UNIVERSITY IS OFFERING FREE TUITION TO ANYBODY WHO IS AT LEAST 6 FEET TALL AND NAMED STEVE JOHNSON.
YOU GIT A FREE RIDE AND ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS SUIT UP TO PLAY LOSERVILLE ONCE A YEAR. TUITION IS FREE AND SOME TUTOR WILL DO ALL YOUR HOMEWORK. WE GONNA PUT YOUR GIANT STEVE JOHNSON ON THE JUMBOTRON THE WHOLE GAME TO SKEER THEM U OF SMELLERS INTO FOLDIN LIKE A TENT AGAIN!

I LOVE IT! HEY LARRY, WE STAYED UP BURNIN COUCHES ALL SAIRDEE NIGHT AND SUNDEE NIGHT. TONIGHT WE GONNA GO UP I-64 AND TEAR DOWN THAT BIG SIGN THAT SAYS U OF SMELL IS āMILES AHEAD.ā MILES AHEAD IN WHAT? FAILURE?
TELL TOMMY TURTLENECK IF HE EVER WANTS TO WIN AGAIN THAT SIGN SHOULD SAY āLES MILES AHEAD.ā IF YāALL HIRE HIM INSTEAD OF CRYBABY BOBBY – WHO STEALS PLAYBOOKS AND HOLLERS AT REPORTERS ā THEN MAYBE LES MILES GIVE YāALL A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY HANG WITH KENTUCKY. AND NEXT COMES BASKETBAW. I LOVE IT!
SLICK RICKāS TABLE SCRAP REE-CRUITS GIVE UP A 22-POINT LEAD TO LOSE TO NOBODY BAYLOR WHILE COACH CAL IS CRUSHIN FOOLS BY FIDDY POINTS! LOSERVILLE IS THE HILLARY CLINTON OF SPARTS. YOU IS OLD, TIRED HAS BEENS THAT EVERBODY HATES CUZ YOU BEEN STEALIN MONEY FROM THEM FOR DECADES. HOW MUCH IS THEM LOSERVILLE TICKETS WORTH NOW! AND YOU CAINT EVEN PAY YOUR RENT IN THE FORECLOSURE YUM YUM DUM DUM ARENER!
COME ON, REPO MAN! YOU TAKE THEIR ARENER AND U UH KAY WILL TAKE THEIR HEISMAN TROPHY AND ARNGE BO AWAY FROM āEM! YOU SAGGY PANTS, LOUDMOUTH, ROYAL CROWN DRINKIN, ALCOHOLIC, FOULMOUTH, FOOD STAMP CASHIN, OBAMA PHONE, HANDGUN SHOOTIN CARDINAL CONVICT FANS AINāT GITTIN NUTHIN FOR CHRISTMAS BUCEPT A HEADACHE WATCHIN U UH KAY WIN. ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! ALL WE DO IS WIN! WIN! WIN! AWWWWW C-A-T-S CATS! CATS! CATS!